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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask when you stopped giving a shit?

97 replies

vitalia · 11/12/2013 08:40

I'm in my late twenties, and currently suffering from a crisis in confidence, a four year friendship has turned bad due to a Wendy and I'm being made out to be the unreasonable one.
We live in a tiny village and everyone knows everyones business, we have school aged children in the same class and I'm dreading the school run and the knowing looks.

At work I have no trouble with not giving a shit about what colleagues think of me and just do the job.

So when did you get the confidence to not give a shit, and how did you manage to get there?

OP posts:

gamerchick · 11/12/2013 10:13

Fake it until you make it imo. Head up.. shoulders back and an amused expression on your face.

I stopped giving a shit a long time ago. Life's too short to be bothered about other people who act like knobs.

CoffeeQueen187 · 11/12/2013 10:18

I don't think I've ever given a shit.

I speak my mind, I do what I like (obviously within the law etc ) it people don't like it/me then they know where to go

I've kinda of always been a bit of a loner though. I have friends, but I like my own company so it really doesn't bother me if people want to judge me and not speak to me.

Funny looks - I just smile at them and walk past

Idespair · 11/12/2013 10:21

The day I managed not it give a shit and never have done since was the day I had to cut off a person with similarly aged dc at school who harassed, stalked, stole from me and generally behaved like a deranged person. When I considered cutting her off, I knew I would face looks/hostility from people who thought I was nasty and rude but cutting her off was well worth it.

There was only one person who thought I was rude and nasty for cutting the deranged woman off and she comforted and became friends with her, all the while thinking how nasty I was (and ignoring me or giving me dirty looks every day in the playground). I have to resist the urge to laugh now because the woman who thought I was nasty has now been on the receiving end of all the deranged woman's behaviour herself and is desperately trying to cut her off as well, whilst suddenly being nice to me again. But she's a sticky bugger so good luck with that!

meddie · 11/12/2013 10:21

In my thirties. Utterly liberating. My mantra became." do they pay my bills? If no then I couldnt give a flying fuck what they think of me'. Also the first time I ever wore a bikini as I realised that at nearly fourty on a beach crammed with nubile 20 year olds. No one is giving my baby belly stretch marks a second look. Its been a revelation.

Original poster

vitalia · 11/12/2013 10:40

It's reassuring that so many of you don't give a shit!

I think when friends start turning away from you it's hard to not think what's wrong with me. When really I should be thinking, it's their loss because i'm fucking amazing!

I will try and fake indifference this afternoon at school pick up but don't know how easy I will find it .

OP posts:

gamerchick · 11/12/2013 10:42

Take your phone so you're occupied.

Original poster

vitalia · 11/12/2013 10:46

I also don't want to spend my thirties still worrying what people think of me. I know its going to be a big regret if I waste more time wondering if I have mumsy shoes, shit hair, why I don't have close friends etc.

I need to have a word with myself

OP posts:

cloggal · 11/12/2013 10:53

After a long period of illness which brought on serious anxiety.

Once I came out the other side of that I swore it wouldn't happen again, mid twenties and wasted a couple of my best years in a state of complete fear and panic thanks to my giving a shit, and some toxic people around me.

I don't give a shit any more. I live happily and peacefully, try to behave to others as I would like to be treated, and I love those close to me with wild abandon. But everyone else is surplus to requirements - if we get on, great and if we don't, that's just dandy :)

cloggal · 11/12/2013 10:54

Vitalia you sound bloody lovely.
I do have mumsy shoes and often shit hair, and I'm 30.
Amount of fucks given - ZERO.
I bet you have so, so much going for you but you can't see the wood for the trees.

VisualiseAHorse · 11/12/2013 11:02

I've never really given a shit....my mother has always said of herself "if you don't like me and don't want to be my friend, then it's your loss."

I adopt the same attitude. I'm nice, funny, caring, if you don't want to be my mate, it really is your loss. Hoping I can pass this attitude onto my little boy too.

greenfolder · 11/12/2013 11:03

Friends school run stuff-34-
Work 43 when I was bullied by a manager, had to file a grievance and knew that despite 13 years loyal service, nobody gave a fuck. The day I walked out of that building was the day I knew I would never care that much again

notanotherusername1 · 11/12/2013 11:04

I have never really 'given a shit'. I am with MalcolmTuckersMistress.

HereIsMee · 11/12/2013 11:05

I'm not sure I ever did or ever will. I've been told it's selfish but I'm also able to be empathic so I worry.

Twattyzombiebollocks · 11/12/2013 11:06

I only give a shit about people's opinions etc if they are dear to me. Good friends, family etc. the rest of the word can go to hell in a hand basket for me. I'm polite and considerate but aside from that i couldn't give a rats ass what people think

hiddenhome · 11/12/2013 11:13

40 and never been happier

BaconFrazzles · 11/12/2013 11:13

Mid thirties to me. I'm 37 now and in the past 2 or 3 years I've found I've cared less and less about what people think of me.

years ago it used to, say, bother me on the school run if I didn't have someone to stand and chat to, or if I thought someone seemed a bit 'off' with me, but these days I'm totally detached from the school run. I have a few friends from the DCs school but I tend to see them away from the school pick up environment. I love standing for 5 minutes on my own in the playground browsing on my phone and just chilling out.

With regards to women being wendies/bitches, the best thing I've learnt is to trust my instincts and don't hesitate to just cut someone off if they are unpleasant to me. And then don't back down. Nine times out of ten if you don't back down then the other person will.

WhatHo · 11/12/2013 11:17

Pretty much as I turned 30. My 20s were a desert of trying to twist myself into the most pleasing shape possible, and considering I can be quite awkward and eccentric I was onto a massive loser. I made myself miserable, couldn't keep a boyfriend as they quickly found out I wasn't who I presented myself to be, my friends found me needy, ugh it was a mess.

I just got really fucking tired. Tired of trying so fucking hard. Tired of caring so much. Tired of trying to work out if I'd done the right thing or not. Something broke in my brain and it was as if some kind of glass ceiling had been smashed and it was utterly liberating. I also had two years of therapy for my self-confidence, something I hadn't been brave enough to do until I started (ahem cough, cough therapy speak coming…) caring about myself and trusting myself.

It's a work in progress sometimes, I have to remind myself that not everyone will like me, just as I don't like everyone, and it's absolutely fine. Also that most people are too preoccupied by their own lives to truly care about what you're doing with yours

It was a life changer TBH. I moved out of London last year and had to me a whole heap of new friends and I just… did it. Yay me!

PS - your Wendy. Trust me, a lot of people will know that she's the dickhead, they're just waiting to see what will happen, or they haven't noticed the fall-out. People are lazy . It's awful but wait it out and you'll be fine.

WhatHo · 11/12/2013 11:18

ack - make a heap of new friends.

You're going to be just fine vitalia

ElleMcFearsome · 11/12/2013 11:19

I think I came to accept the fact that I don't like everybody, ergo it is not reasonable to expect everyone to like me a few years ago. And more importantly, that it's ok to accept that!

It felt like quite an epiphany as I'm by nature/nurture a people pleaser. I'm 36 and I still have to remind myself of said epiphany on a semi-regular basis but I don't torment myself through sleepless nights wondering what is wrong with me like I used to in my 20s.

fromparistoberlin · 11/12/2013 11:22

I think you nailed it with the "work" comment tbh

I can handle (ish) stuff at work, as essentially its sourced from a shared committment and professionalism

but the school gate, UGH UGH UGH

no advice, lots of sympathy

go back to work FT and trim the bitches???

MrsUptight · 11/12/2013 11:23

I am 41 and haven't got affected by what other people think for the last year or so. I think you need to have a bit of a bad time first...worse than falling out with mates...maybe lose a loved one or have a near miss yourself then you begin to see that it really doesn't matter if someone doesn't like you or if people talk about you...that's their affair and their problem....carry on regardless...smile at people, be polite and look to your family. Your family are everything.

fromparistoberlin · 11/12/2013 11:23

and vitalia, I am 40 ans started therapy last year! relationships are a fucking minefield

I do compare myself to others, and need to stop, Its life, you are not the only one

KatnipEvergreen · 11/12/2013 11:27

I don't know if I could say i've stopped giving a shit, I've definitely stopped trying to get everyone to like me and thinking there is something wrong with me if they don't. I've also become more thick-skinned. I remember when I started work going and crying in the toilets about the slightest criticism which wouldn't bother me at all now.

Just confidence and maturity.

JugglingUnwiselyWithBaubles · 11/12/2013 11:27

Recently - late forties. I've really started to look back on everything I've experienced along life's path and think it's mostly all been bloody interesting and often a good laugh as well. I've let go of a lot of the crap that bothered me so much at the time, and realised that generally the people involved just had no sense of perspective - unlike me with my new found and sometimes hard-earned wisdom

I'm practicing my Nelson Mandela serenity smile for my later years

MrsUptight · 11/12/2013 11:28

Juggling me too....I also look back to times which seemed so stressful and at the choices I made...and sometimes think I made choices through fear rather than what was right for me at the time.

I'm determined not to do that anymore.

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