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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think my Mother is being unreasonable?

79 replies

BunnyLebowski · 05/12/2013 21:26

DP and I are selective about answering the landline phone. We both see an incoming phone call as an invitation to talk rather than an obligation to iyswim.

My darling mother has quite the opposite view .

I'm 6 weeks pregnant and feeling very tired, DP is working long and busy days. We have DD and a demented puppy to keep us occupied every evening! Tonight I just wanted to have a bath and watch Masterchef with DP in peace (watch TV with DP NOT bath with DP) once bedtime had been done.

She has just phoned FIVE times in half an hour!!!

I know she would ring my mobile if it were an emergency. It would have to be an emergency as she is tight and refuses to ring mobiles as a rule. She didn't. And she didn't text either. Just 5 shrill, demanding, attention seeking phone calls till it rang out.

AIBU to think she should have stopped ringing after one and maybe two phone calls??

Rant over. And breathe.

OP posts:

Helpyourself · 06/12/2013 02:38

Hello mum, I'll call you tomorrow, I'm shattered'
Brrrrrrrrrrrrr

SparkleSoiree · 06/12/2013 02:57

YANBU.

We rarely answer our landline when it rings because we are usually doing other things. If it needs a return call people will leave a message on the machine and we can return the call when we are ready.

wishingforwillpower · 06/12/2013 03:11

Yanbu. This drives me mad, it is so imposing. When people repeatedly ring without leaving a message they are essentially saying "I know you are there and no ring me, but I'm not giving up". We no longer have a landline as the only person who rang it was MIL in a similar fashion to what you have described. Our mobiles are often on silence in the evening... Peace and quiet. I agree when someone calls, unless it is urgent, it is an invitation to chat - it shouldn't be a demand. When you are pg, shattered and have DC your down time is precious and an hour on the phone can see most of an otherwise relaxing evening gone!

SlimJiminy · 06/12/2013 13:48

Uplugged landline here too - not due to unwanted calls from DM, but due to the fact that it was only ever used by The sodding Dogs Trust or someone trying to sell me something. I don't even like dogs. I unplugged the bugger and nobody has even mentioned it. If an oldie calls me off their landline, I always tell them I'll call back so it's free for me and doesn't cost them a fortune. Hardly ever happens though.

Chattymummyhere · 06/12/2013 13:59

I only answer the landline if I feel like it, if it's important ring my mobile.

I don't get people who have to have a phone chat at lest once every single day with mum or dad, I have a life to live and get on with jobs too do people to see etc I'm not 12 mummy does not need to know what I do everyday or that I'm wearing clean underwear.

I can go weeks without talking to my mum she will see that I'm alive via my Facebook or talking to someone who's seen/talked to me lately we are all adults. My inlaws however have a thing that if you have not talked for a week you must be dead or something. They also had a habit at ringing gone 9pm asking how the video works.

snooter · 06/12/2013 14:09

I selectively answer calls from my mother too, because it is impossible to get her off the phone. I prefer to ring her, even though getting her off the phone is no easier - cup of tea at the ready & usually on my laptop at the same time. Every ten minutes or so she says "I'd better let you go - oh I'd better just tell you about X Y or Z - this will usually be to do with people I don't know" She usually starts with "I just fancied a nice long chat" & will not be put off by the fact I'm cleaning toilets, cooking, answering the door, whatever. The only way to get her off is to be really blunt, almost rude & then she will be in a huff for a while - aargh! She just can't get that when I'm not at work I am busy, not sitting about waiting to chat on & on for ages - always 40 minutes plus - can be much much longer...

snooter · 06/12/2013 14:10

Mother-in-law withholds her number - so we know it's probably her as nearly everyone else we know doesn't - & never leaves a message!

KateSpade · 06/12/2013 14:14

Next time, DP answers the phone & says bunny is asleep!

Excellent excuse for avoiding phone calls!

ceebie · 06/12/2013 14:15

Is there a compromise? From her point of view, it can be frustrating to ring and get no answer, and not knowing if you were out / didn't hear / something wrong etc. But I can see that you don't want to have long conversations every evening. Could you agree that someone will answer the phone (ideally DP assuming she is less interested in chatting to him) assuming you are not busy putting DD to bed / in the bath / in bed, so long as if you tell her you are tired and could you perhaps phone her back later in the week, she respects that? If she can't respect that, then you can go back to not answering the phone again. Also, tell her not to phone after 9pm unless it's an emergency.

dollywashers · 06/12/2013 14:15

I think it's a bit sad. She's your Mum. You could always say you're busy and will talk to her tomorrow then she would stop the phone calls. She might be just lonely.

My dad died recently and I'd give anything for him to bombard me with phone calls just cos he wanted to say hi.

Ephiny · 06/12/2013 14:15

I would unplug the phone if someone called repeatedly like that, very rude and intrusive. And it makes no sense. If I'm not home, or I'm busy or don't want to talk, how is ringing again and again going to change any of those things?

Original poster

BunnyLebowski · 06/12/2013 14:21

For those of you feeling sorry for me and thinking my mum is some lonely old widow can I just clarify:

She is in her late 50's and is young for her age. She has my Dad, she has a job and friends and she has my aunt living next door. She is not some white haired old nanna who is isolated from the world and is desperate to connect with her evil daughter .

She is just rude and demanding. I wish she weren't. It would have made my childhood a lot happier.

I live in England. She lives in N.I. I speak to her a few times a week. That is enough. We are not best friends. Most of the time she can barely talk anyway from her judgey pants strangling her and all I hear is who is dead/dying/having babies.

Thanks to those who understand. I think taking the phone off the hook a few nights a week is the way forward .

OP posts:

Original poster

BunnyLebowski · 06/12/2013 14:22

And at crabb

Obviously I was talking about the bath! I woudn't be knocked up otherwise .

OP posts:

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 06/12/2013 16:04

Why is it so difficult to pick up and say sorry but it's not convenient right now I'll call you at (arrange point) to talk.

I get it. However it's how you deal with it that makes you a reasonable person compared to a petulant teen.

snooter · 06/12/2013 16:11

It can be difficult to pick up & quickly say it isn't convenient - my mum just will not be got rid of in less than 20 minutes - it makes me not want to speak to her as she clearly thinks her time is more important than mine. She's widowed now, but it was just the same when Dad was around - he used to have a quick chat after she'd finished & take the piss about how many times she'd said "I'll let you go then" before getting off the phone

dustarr73 · 06/12/2013 16:21

People who ring and ring just dont have the mindset its not all about them.My aunt is a bit like this and it does your nut in.I dont always answer the phone its not a law.But she will ring and ring and get some other poor sap to ring as well.If im busy i dont answer and i call her back when i can.

grimbletart · 06/12/2013 16:28

DCs and I speak about once a week and whether it's me ringing them or them ringing me we all preface the call with "Is it convenient now?" If it is, we chat. If it isn't we arrange to call when it is. You could try that.

Thinkingofmyfabfour · 06/12/2013 16:37

My parents often ring at inconvenient times eg 5pm when I'm trying to get tea on table, I just don't answer. They are retired and have all day to phone! I also hate evening phone calls unless its a friend, as evenings are the only time I can have conversation with dh.
Also if I've just sat down to feed baby I'm not jumping up and disturbing her for someone trying to sell me something I don't want.
Yanbu

Musicaltheatremum · 06/12/2013 16:58

Grimble , we do the same. My parents and I email on and off during the week and speak about once a week but we both can say sorry am just about to eat or whatever.
Our landline hardly ever rings now. Usually sales people but occasionally my parents or mother in law.

GhostsInSnow · 06/12/2013 17:06

I don't think YABU particularly, sometimes you just don't want to talk to people. I have a friend like this, don't get me wrong I love her dearly but I don't always have time for her epic hour long chats which are almost always in the middle of me cooking dinner (which she knows).

Her tactic is somewhat different, she will leave the phone ringing. 20 minutes isn't unusual at all. Quite why she thinks if I haven't answered it after ten I'll answer it after twenty I don't know. She'll then call back 15 minutes or so later and do the same thing. I unplug all the phones in the end. If after an hour she's had no joy she'll start to call and text my mobile. Drives me absolutely batty.

Mouthfulofquiz · 06/12/2013 19:58

Juice - that would drive me so mad!!!!!
I get the rage if our home phone rings after 8. In fact, because we have a crap phone with no caller id, I never actually answer it but wait for a message. Anyone that needs me desperately can call my mobile.

DoYouLikeMyBaubles · 06/12/2013 20:11

If my friend did that juice she wouldn't be my friend anymore, that's beyond rude and obnoxious

PosyNarker · 06/12/2013 20:18

Well I have a relationship with both DM and PIL that is such that while we can often talk for a good while, if I answer and say 'I'm in the middle of X, can I call you back tomorrow?' they will accept that.

Friends are more difficult. My DM has a friend who lives less than a mile away, but while they visit rarely she is often on the phone for an hour and whilst my DM can fairly talk, she's completely outdone by her friend. They're the same when they visit (and her DH is worse). If there are two of them, you need to be backing them out the door for 45 mins, because that's how long it'll take from standing up / coats to leaving. This is sober BTW - I know and probably have been the person who doesn't take the hint while drunk.

Personally I'd speak to your DM and suggest that if you don't answer, rather than being an arsehole ringing your phone continually, she sends you a text as you're more likely to pick that up and if it's a non-emergency you'll ring her back as soon as you can the following week

DorisShutt · 06/12/2013 20:31

I'm with the pulling the cable out - we're suffering a plague of sales calls atm; those that masquerade as an information dispersal about the latest government grant so they're not "sales" calls at all. And thus get snippy when I point out the TPS registration.

GhostsInSnow · 06/12/2013 21:33

baubles rude and obnoxious about describes her really. I could start a whole thread on her, how she talks to people, over people, belittles etc. DH and my BF can't for the life of them understand why I still have anything to do with her but its complex, she has a lot of health issues as does her DH so I probably cut her more slack than I really should.

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