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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want to have a separate house from DP and DSC indefinitely?

97 replies

DippyPippy · 04/12/2013 12:57

DP and I have been together for four years and have been planning to move in together in the new year. I have a 7 year old and 4 year old and he has an 8 and 6 year old who he sees around once-twice per month. We are really happy and I know we are both committed long term. The children all get on really well. My problem is that I've got a really good job lined up once my youngest starts school in January. If I move in with DP I can't take the job as I'll receive no tax credits to help with childcare and because the distance from his house to my DC school means it'd be impossible to get to work on time. DP absolutely cannot move as he has to live close to work.

Also, he has a three bedroomed house and we have 3 girls and a boy between us. His children want a bedroom each and refuse to share despite both being girls. He intends to make both rooms girly meaning my ds won't be happy or feel welcome in my opinion. I would struggle to find a job as he earns too much to qualify for tax credits and I want to work to earn, not just for the sake of it.

If we stayed living separately until the children arr older (we don't plan on having anymore) we could afford days out, weekends away, to save etc. If we move in together I'd have to be a SAHM and we'd have to live frugally, plus my children would have a lower standard of living and my career would be finished while DPs would flourish with me as back up childcare. AIBU to want to remain living separately?

OP posts:

pictish · 05/12/2013 10:27

Neither me. If I were single, nothing could persuade me to give up mine and my kids independence, other than a completely equal set up where my half was protected by law.
And if his kids 'need' a room each...so the fuck do mine.

Topaz25 · 05/12/2013 10:33

YADNBU You shouldn't be expected to move in because he and his family think it's best if it's not best for you. I think he's looking at you moving in from an emotional perspective but it's just not practical. If he wants his children to move in after you do, how is he going to manage the bedroom situation? How is he going to manage discipline? He isn't prioritising the needs of you and your children so you have to. With these unaddressed issues it's not a good idea to give up your independence or career in case anything goes wrong.

perlona · 05/12/2013 12:13

Your children will lose their personal space, suffer reduced living standards and you will lose your financial independence and control over your family environment, for what exactly? Insane to even consider it.

rookietherednosedreindeer · 05/12/2013 12:18

Have you discussed this with him yet OP ? I suspect he will come back in one of two ways. 1) some small concession like one of the bedrooms will be painted light blue or a boxroom or niche under the stairs will be used for your DS or failing that or if you don't agree 2) he will threaten to break up as you aren't taking the relationship seriously.

Please stay strong OP for the sake of your DCs. Have you read the stepparents topic? Lots of posters who wish they could go back in time and unblend their family - and I would imagine most of them started out much more auspiciously than your proposed set up.

FetchezLaVache · 05/12/2013 12:19

I think the only scenario you should even consider is a four-bedroomed house or larger (if four, a bedroom each for your DCs and one for his DDs to share) halfway between your current homes, so that both of you get to keep as much of your respective statuses quo as possible. If he won't even consider that, then I think that shows how much importance he grants to you and your DCs, I'm afraid.

wonkylegs · 05/12/2013 12:25

If you both can't come to an acceptable compromise then I'd say you aren't ready to move in together.
When DH & I moved in together we bought a new place as neither of ours suited us both together (although we loved them when we bought them).
Kids further complicate the whole thing but unless you can treat them equally (not necessarily identically but fairly giving and taking on both sides) I don't think it works as it's not fair on any of them.
It sounds like that isn't going to be the case and ultimately there will be resentment from the kids and eventually you.

HedgehogsRevenge · 05/12/2013 12:40

It's not a legal requirement to live with a partner. People living in each others pockets is probably one of the main causes of relationship breakdowns, throw in different parenting styles and the whole thing is a recipie for disaster. Personally I think it's much healthier for some couples to have their own place. It's just society that put pressure on people to conform to the 'norms'. In your position i wouldn't even consider moving in with disney dad. Ask yourself what will you and your dc gain/lose by moving in? sounds like you'd be losing a lot more than you'd be gaining.

QuintessentialShadows · 05/12/2013 13:09

If he had ANY interest in you and your children, he would suggest finding a 4 bed house, let your children have a bedroom each, and his girl share a guest room made up beautifully and girly.

Instead, he is setting the rooms up for his girls, he kindly let your children borrow his childrens' room, and they need to shift the Eff out when the princesses are visiting, 4 days per month.

No. Just No.

NotActuallyAMum · 05/12/2013 13:10

I think he would man up a bit if I moved in

Please don't rely on this OP

Please stay where you are for now, and when you do move in together please buy a neutral house together that is truly yours as in both of yours

QuintessentialShadows · 05/12/2013 13:11

if you don't agree 2) he will threaten to break up as you aren't taking the relationship seriously.

I think this is the most likely scenario to be honest.

And the only response to that is "no actually, the way you have planned it all out to benefit yourself, your work and your children only, is showing me that you are not taking this relationship, me and my children seriously at all."

NotActuallyAMum · 05/12/2013 13:11

And what Quint said

QuintessentialShadows · 05/12/2013 13:12

I think he would man up a bit if I moved in

When you move in, he needs to really reassure his girls that he loves them, so I reckon he will do the opposite of manning up.

WilsonFrickett · 05/12/2013 13:17

Completely agree Quint. No matter how well (or badly) they are parented, all DCs need a lot of reassurance if the status quo changes. In this situation imo this will take the form of him lying down and making like a carpet...

Inertia · 05/12/2013 13:23

There is not one advantage (for you and your children) to moving in with your DP.

On the other hand- he would get unlimited free childcare for his children without having to put in any extra effort himself. He'd expect you to pander to his children's whims just as he does, while your children get to play the role of Tiny Tim, with no bed and a shared bowl of gruel. Your children clearly have very generous natures, but this unequal treatment is going to start to hit home soon and the unfairness and resentment just isn't worth it.

And FWIW- the maltesers / water thing - I'd have been pretty cross. It'd have been one box for everyone to share. They way your DP capitulates to the demands of his Ex and his children bodes very ill for the relationship. What happens if you give up your job and your children's school places to move in, and then his children demand that you don't live there, or your children can't use 'their' rooms? He's clearly not ever going to put you and your children on an equal footing.

QuintessentialShadows · 05/12/2013 13:24

Isnt it interesting how he is planning on doing up his childrens rooms when you are due to move in? He knows they will be around more often!

He is making no preparations to YOUR children moving in....

monkeymamma · 05/12/2013 13:40

I'm massively confused. The tax credits you're talking about are presumably intended to help single parents. If you have a D 'P' (as opposed to boyfriend) then you are not a single parent.

This is personal choice but if after four years you are content not to live with him and forge a family life together with your four children (even if this does involve some compromise on either side) then it doesn't really sound like true love to me.

The issue of moving into 'his' house is a separate one. It would make much more sense to find a new house together. If the new house only has 3 bedrooms then the girls will have to share and your ds have his own room, or the older girls can have a girly room and the younger two (assuming your ds is the younger of your children) can have a more gender neutral one. If it is your joint house then it is not his sole decision whether the girls will share or not, it's up to both of you to decide what's best for the whole family.

Re work, I'm not sure why it's so black and white - a glittering career in the exact location you're in now, or fully sahm with no chance of ever working again living with DP. The reality is unlikely to be so polarized. If it really is impossible to move to a location between your work and his then you may need to think about part time/freelance/working for a different company or in a slightly different role elsewhere. Unless he lives in outer Siberia or somewhere with no job opps whatsoever.

I also think the 'leave it for a few years and save up' idea is not a great one because in to few years you may find your kids (who all get on great now) have started to develop slightly stroppier personas and more involved needs, so moving in all together may be much harder to do by then.

If you have doubts about this man or your relationship, or his intentions as a stepdad then that's another issue, but i can't believe so many mnetters are telling you don't move in with your partner and start a family life together for the sake of your tax credits!

Hissy · 05/12/2013 14:11

tbh, I wouldn't have anyone in my life, or that of my child that is that crap a parent.

His ineptitude will then cause problems when your child wants to know why YOU don't demand the same for your DC as he does for his.

Not compatible.

Don't move, and tbh, reconsider your relationship.

TalkativeJim · 05/12/2013 14:22

Is that a unanimous verdict?

OP, you KNOW it would go tits up, very quickly. And that would be a shame if you actually have a functioning happy relationship now where - crucially - your children feel enthusiastic about things. Incidentally, I think that's the way to look at their 'wanting' to live together - they are too young to really be able to envisage that, so their enthusiasm for that plan simply reflects the fact that RIGHT NOW, with things the WAY THEY CURRENTLY ARE, they love the thought of moving in with your DP and his children - one big sleepover! That's to your credit.

You however know the real changes that that would bring. My guess is if you did move in, you wouldn't have those happy children for long...

Oh, and this:

'I think his hope is that his children will want to live with him one day. That could only happen if I was there because of his shift pattern.'

I get that you're happy, and you seem to have your head screwed on, but be careful, won't you? I hope your reply to that was something along the lines of - 'how so? Are you assuming that I'll take on childcare for your children? I certainly don't think they'd enjoy having to live by the same rules as mine, do you? Better start rationing those Maltesers now then, DP...'

QuintessentialShadows · 05/12/2013 14:29

I am not so sure this man is perfectly happy for you to try raise his children the way you successfully parent yours, and I dont think he will back you up.

He is quite happy to apply your rules to your children, in the same way as he expects you to fall in with how he and is exwife are spoiling his own.

He is also quite happy to treat them differently when they are all together. My children my rules, and your children your rules, are not a recipe for good co parenting of each-others children under one roof. You see already how he is happy to treat your children more stingily and second rate by how he rationalizes the bedrooms!

Nothing can change for his girls when you move in, in fact they will get new rooms. But your children shall have lots of changed thrown upon them, move in, and have less.

This is a real Cinderella scenario here, where he is instantly going to be the wicked stepdad with his two princesses ruling the roost!

notallytuts · 05/12/2013 14:36

financial reasons along i think YABU - surely losing tax credits will be mitigated by the fact that the two of you will be paying rent/mortgage for one house rather than two?!

but for all the other reasons - YANBU i would not move in!

QuintessentialShadows · 05/12/2013 14:40

There is the long term view that she would not earn, but be a sahm, and therefore in a very vulnerable position in his house, looking after their 4 children, and not working and having the possibility of being independent. She would leave herself very vulnerable.

Stropzilla · 05/12/2013 14:44

I'm sure he's a good dad to his girls. He's not one to your son! He would need to step up BEFORE you moved in. If he's going to move you in though what will be the benefit to you? YOUR kids will have to move school, closer to his mum, it's all stacked in his favour isn't it?

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