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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to have a separate house from DP and DSC indefinitely?

97 replies

DippyPippy · 04/12/2013 12:57

DP and I have been together for four years and have been planning to move in together in the new year. I have a 7 year old and 4 year old and he has an 8 and 6 year old who he sees around once-twice per month. We are really happy and I know we are both committed long term. The children all get on really well. My problem is that I've got a really good job lined up once my youngest starts school in January. If I move in with DP I can't take the job as I'll receive no tax credits to help with childcare and because the distance from his house to my DC school means it'd be impossible to get to work on time. DP absolutely cannot move as he has to live close to work.

Also, he has a three bedroomed house and we have 3 girls and a boy between us. His children want a bedroom each and refuse to share despite both being girls. He intends to make both rooms girly meaning my ds won't be happy or feel welcome in my opinion. I would struggle to find a job as he earns too much to qualify for tax credits and I want to work to earn, not just for the sake of it.

If we stayed living separately until the children arr older (we don't plan on having anymore) we could afford days out, weekends away, to save etc. If we move in together I'd have to be a SAHM and we'd have to live frugally, plus my children would have a lower standard of living and my career would be finished while DPs would flourish with me as back up childcare. AIBU to want to remain living separately?

OP posts:
Original poster
DippyPippy · 04/12/2013 13:53

His exW has known about us for our entire relationship though so it isn't as if she's suddenly going to become more in favour of it all. If anything I'd think she'd be even more difficult if we moved in and make more demands, albeit through the children.

OP posts:
Original poster
DippyPippy · 04/12/2013 14:01

Of course he stopped for water Smile He also bought my dc a normal sized packet of Maltesars to share which is what they'd normally do. His dds demanded an entire box each...!

OP posts:
Original poster
DippyPippy · 04/12/2013 14:04

I think he would man up a bit if I moved in but I'd automatically be cast in the role of evil stepmother and his dc would take the change out on my dc

OP posts:
honeythewitch · 04/12/2013 14:05

Good Lord, DippyPippy! Are you saying he bought his children a box of maltesers each while yours had to share a packet?

Beastofburden · 04/12/2013 14:06

Good grief, those girls have him on a string....

I would personally keep my distance until I see what kind of teenagers they turn out to be - its not looking good so far Grin

Why does he choose to treat your DC differently? Is he a bit jealous of them? Given you have been together four years and your DS is also 4, there must have been recent history when you got together.

olgaga · 04/12/2013 14:07

OP your analysis and approach is very sensible. Forget the whole "blended family" stuff and allow your children the benefit of a childhood home free of that extra stress and tension, and yourself the independence of running your own household the way you want it. Sounds like you have your priorities right.

If you're in any doubt, go and have a look at the Step-parenting thread and see just how "happy" many of these blended families are in reality!

youretoastmildred · 04/12/2013 14:09

YANBU and you are dead right to think all this through now.

You know what you are doing.

I think some people are a bit strange about seeing landmarks like moving in as big romantic landmarks, whereas in your case there is nothing to be gained, and a lot (including romance!) to be lost.
Sounds like you are really thinking of your dcs and your are right to do so.

needaholidaynow · 04/12/2013 14:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
DippyPippy · 04/12/2013 14:17

Yes, honey, he did. I wouldn't expect or want him to buy such a ridiculous amount of chocolate for my children and they realistically wouldn't be able to eat that much. But I don't like them seeing that whining and demanding gets more stuff. Beastofburden - he treats my dc differently because he treats them as I do with boundaries in place etc. He treats his dc how they/his exW think they should be treated.

I love him and want to be with him but not at my childrens expense. The difficult thing is my children love him and enjoy being with his children, despite their attitude towards them sometimes, and would want to move in. I think two houses with occasional sleepovers etc would be better.

OP posts:
maddening · 04/12/2013 14:17

The thing is if his dc won't share their bedroom with each other then you'll need a five bed house as you can't move your dc in ther.

catsmother · 04/12/2013 14:22

I don't know why you're even asking the question ??!! Grin

I think this is one of the clearest cut YADNBUs that I've ever seen!

Original poster
DippyPippy · 04/12/2013 14:23

My dc would happily camp out in front room once or twice per month so his dds could have their rooms if they wanted. I just don't want it to be us making all the sacrifices with no compromise in return.

OP posts:
Original poster
DippyPippy · 04/12/2013 14:25

Catsmother, I'm asking because he and his family think it's the next logical step after a four year relationship which I agree with but not if it's at the expense of my dcs wellbeing and my career while everything is tailored to his dc and career.

OP posts:
Beastofburden · 04/12/2013 14:26

I think you are absolutely right. Separate homes, with sleepovers, and then the kids can all be friends. Living together with such different rules and boundaries in place will be unworkable.

You are making the right call! Do you think your DP will see it your way?

bouncingbelle · 04/12/2013 14:27

My mum has been with her partner for 20 years and they have never moved in together as we were all younger and at home at the time, and it,s actually worked really really well. We looked forward to the time spent with her partner/his kids as it wasn't forced on us and things in our house didn't really change.

LemonBreeland · 04/12/2013 14:28

This sounds like a hopeless situation. Disney Dad who treats his kids like spoilt little princesses. Your DC would have to lose their bedrooms for the little princesses visits. I can just imagine the huge resentment that would build up in your DC, and rightly so!

Keep your house, and if you ever do move in with him it needs to be into a new house that has space for you all and some boundaires need to be agreed. Although if I was you hell would freeze over before I moved in with this guy.

BlackbeltinBS · 04/12/2013 14:28

You sound very sensible and NU.

The box of Malteasers each thing to eat on a journey has me Shock, let alone whilst your children sat there sharing a packet.

3littlefrogs · 04/12/2013 14:29

Do not give up your home/job/independence.

Continue as you are. Reassess the situation in 5 years time.

Stripyhoglets · 04/12/2013 14:30

I think your career is a good reason to suggest you wait, as once you are earning more you can get a bigger 4 bed house, your kids get a room each and his get one to do as a girly room and if they still won't share your daughter sounds lovely enough not to mind giving up her room for a night (although that might change!) it sounds like you and your kids moving in with him might make his DDs terribly unhappy as they can't always be with their dad like your children would be.

Original poster
DippyPippy · 04/12/2013 14:30

Thanks bouncingbelle, that's encouraging Smile

Beastofburden - he desperately wants to live together. I think his hope is that his children will want to live with him one day. That could only happen if I was there because of his shift pattern.

OP posts:
catsmother · 04/12/2013 14:33

There's nothing wrong with camping out occasionally and at 7 & 4 your kids would probably see it as a big adventure but I strongly suspect it'd wear thin in years to come as they'd be left in no doubt who ruled the roost (plus boy/girl privacy issues). It should never be about what two - out of four - children want, about those two always getting their own way. I suspect your two are too young right now to have properly noticed this but it won't be long before the older one in particular starts asking awkward questions and putting you on the spot. Maybe, for example, you can "justify" this by explaining that too much chocolate rots your teeth and makes you fat (or somesuch) in a situation like the Maltesers - though most small kids probably wouldn't appreciate the health benefits and would just feel hard done by .... but even if you don't move in together, if you remain as a couple there'll inevitably be lots of potential situations in the future where you're all together and his two get given their own way over something you can't easily explain away - other than by pointing out how spoilt his girls are and what a doormat your DP is, which will hardly be conducive to good family relations! In your shoes, I'd be thinking hard about all of that .... I wouldn't want my kids to be made to feel 2nd best, and/or that they were "missing out", even if you know that your way of doing things was for the best.

honeythewitch · 04/12/2013 14:33

I think if the children are treated differently it will cause terrible problems for them all, and you are absolutely doing the right thing by keeping the households separate.
Your children are very lucky to have a mother who puts their needs above her own.

youretoastmildred · 04/12/2013 14:33

Dippy, your children sound very nice, if they would happily camp out to accommodate the other children on a regular basis. But you are right not to be happy about it and I think even the suggestion of doing things this way is very telling, not in a good way. All the more reason to hang onto your independence!

"think it's the next logical step after a four year relationship" - there is a sort of subconscious view amongst some people (left over from the days when respectable women had no livelihood and no autonomous, adult future without being married) that for a man to take the Next Step towards Commitment is a huge, flattering, big deal; and what goes along with this is that every relationship should be headed that way or it doesn't mean anything. Neither is currently true and in many cases (like yours) the opposite can be true - you will lose autonomy.
The resilience of these myths is probably associated with their benefits to men.

whois · 04/12/2013 14:36

I can't see the benefit of moving in together for your children. Less space, further to school, drop in living standards. Your children should come first in this, I think you are being very R in maintaining separate houses.

caramelwaffle · 04/12/2013 14:37

You have your head screwed on really well.

Stay together and live close by but separately until you are past the teenage years is my suggestion. You have a Disney Dad right there, with young children.

Good luck with the new job in January.