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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to have a separate house from DP and DSC indefinitely?

97 replies

DippyPippy · 04/12/2013 12:57

DP and I have been together for four years and have been planning to move in together in the new year. I have a 7 year old and 4 year old and he has an 8 and 6 year old who he sees around once-twice per month. We are really happy and I know we are both committed long term. The children all get on really well. My problem is that I've got a really good job lined up once my youngest starts school in January. If I move in with DP I can't take the job as I'll receive no tax credits to help with childcare and because the distance from his house to my DC school means it'd be impossible to get to work on time. DP absolutely cannot move as he has to live close to work.

Also, he has a three bedroomed house and we have 3 girls and a boy between us. His children want a bedroom each and refuse to share despite both being girls. He intends to make both rooms girly meaning my ds won't be happy or feel welcome in my opinion. I would struggle to find a job as he earns too much to qualify for tax credits and I want to work to earn, not just for the sake of it.

If we stayed living separately until the children arr older (we don't plan on having anymore) we could afford days out, weekends away, to save etc. If we move in together I'd have to be a SAHM and we'd have to live frugally, plus my children would have a lower standard of living and my career would be finished while DPs would flourish with me as back up childcare. AIBU to want to remain living separately?

OP posts:
34DD · 04/12/2013 14:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

catsmother · 04/12/2013 14:37

Blimey, x-posted again and in the meantime, you put up another red flag !

So you moving in could potentially mean - if he ever gets what he wants - 4 kids in the house permanently with all the bedroom problems, and he won't get that unless you agree to be a SAHM.

Does he actually value you as a partner - or is your main value that of a housekeeper and nanny ? Can you imagine how undermined you'll be if his girls always get their own way and there you are potentially running the house and looking after 4 kids full time ? That is the stuff of nightmares.

diddl · 04/12/2013 14:37

Why does he see so little of his kids?

DisAstrophe · 04/12/2013 14:38

Yanbu op. It makes no sense to move in in these circumstances. But I do feel for his dc. For whatever reason he only sees them once or twice a month. Sounds like he stays over with you a fair bit. His dd's must know he spends more time with your kids so it is only natural that they are a bit jealous. This may explain why they are mean to your kids - note explain not excuse.

How come they had access to your kids toys to break them? If you and your dc often go along on the days he has his kids that might be upsetting them and may explain the greediness - they were testing their dad by seeing if he would do more for them than for your two.

Please feel free to ignore my cod psychology. I agree with your decision but just feel for his kids. Maybe he could spend more special time with them on his own

CinnamonPorridge · 04/12/2013 14:41

Another YNBU from me.

You see the potential problems, and unless you all move to a five bed house somewhere in the middle, equal distance to both jobs, I would stay put.
If you move in, his children will always be at an advantage, because they were there first. And if they are spoilt rotten now, I foresee many issues when they are teens. You would not be able to keep out of it, and it would cause problems between your dp and you.
And I definitely would not swap a good job for childminding his dc.
Don't do it.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 04/12/2013 14:42

Huge red flags for me at least in your last post.

Being a means to an end is very off putting, particularly if the end is not the one I have in mind for my family.

Take the job, keep separate houses, and discuss a common future you both agree to.

Branleuse · 04/12/2013 14:43

youd be a fool to move in with him

keep it as it is.

pictish · 04/12/2013 14:45

I just can't get over how he bought your kids a standard packet of Malteasers to share, while his kids got given a box each!

That just sums it all up to me. Do not move in...your kids would be marginalised while his exalted, and this would do nothing...nothing for their self esteem whatsoever! Your kids would be expected to toe the line and live within boudaries, and then twice a month the princesses who must be indulged and obeyed would sweep down on the household and cause chaos!

No no no yanbu. And your dp is a very silly man.

Beastofburden · 04/12/2013 14:46

Dippy, i can see the problem.

the issue of bedrooms, if it was just that, maybe in that case you could say that moving in together needs to wait until you have a big enough house. Four kids who won't or can't share bedrooms.....that would mean five bedrooms. Either by moving, or by saving to do a loft conversion.

That still leaves the issue of paying for childcare. I know you would lose your tax credits if you got together, but perhaps he can afford to make it up?

Then there's the commute. Too difficult for you, and your kids are young enough that this is a ten year problem. Finding a similar job near his house and moving their schools is not trivial.

And finally, there's the issue of different standards of parenting. It's unworkable right now as his girls are spoilt, sorry but they are by the sound of things.

Those, I think, would be the things I would go through with him. I also know a couple who didn't get together for the first ten, maybe even 15 years. Both had been widowed with young children, so they waited for them to grow up, and then they got married. The kids all turned out well, nobody went off the rails, everyone is friendly, and they are really enjoying their late marriage and have bought a house in France to enjoy their empty nest freedom.

Mumsyblouse · 04/12/2013 14:49

Everyone is right about the unequal treatment- and your kids would blame you for this, not him, so on that grounds alone, yanbu.

I am more alarmed though about your last post, he's hoping that his children will be cared for by you staying at home while he works shifts, and that way he gets to increase residency. NO! That is the most duff deal I ever heard- you give up opportunity of really good job and prospects to stay home to mind his kids so he gets to be better dad whilst changing nothing himself and not even giving your children their own bedrooms (boy in a girls' room, moved out when other child comes to stay, wtf?)

You know you are in the right here and don't be swayed by people's expectations, but I would be worried that your partner seems to think your role is to facilitate his life- rather than him facilitating and making yours better.

oscarwilde · 04/12/2013 14:59

Your post doesn't state anywhere why you want to move in together, or any benefit to doing so. I think you know the answer for now at least.

UC · 04/12/2013 15:07

Your subsequent posts just make me think you definitely definitely should NOT move in. Catsmother is right - you are getting warnings already of what it would be like -

your DCs sidelined, with no bedrooms
his DCs idolised, and demanding, and pandered to by him.

That sounds like a nightmare. Don't go there.

mouldyironingboard · 04/12/2013 15:08

YANBU, don't move in. Your DP has everything to gain because you and your DC would be making all the sacrifices.

Beastofburden · 04/12/2013 15:18

What's more... He only thinks his daughters will want to come and live with him if you move in. He doesn't know that.

So he will be desperate to do whatever they want, to get them to say yes. Which they might never do as it is far more fun having two parents both trying to attract you. So then he will do even more to appeal to them. And they will enjoy that, and.....

Meanwhile you are a SAHM providing free childcare at the expense of your life, and with your kids treated as second best.

I can see that ending badly, and you will be the one left with nothing if it does. Well, you and your DC.

Bogeyface · 04/12/2013 20:51

So he is assuming that you will look after his DD's if they lived with you? Have you said that no, you wont be doing that because you will be working too, and see what his reaction is?

It would be very telling I think!

Bogeyface · 04/12/2013 20:53

I responded right at the start of the thread saying that someone who could treat my kids as second best like that wouldnt be someone I would want to be with, never mind live with.

Having read your further posts, I can not believe you give this man air time! You may love him and I am sure he says he loves you, but he loves himself and his easy life more. As for the Little Princesses, they are only going to get worse.....step away from the car crash before you are one of the victims.

WilsonFrickett · 04/12/2013 21:42

You are not a bloody nanny. Don't move in with him.

Original poster
DippyPippy · 04/12/2013 22:20

He doesn't necessarily assume it'd be just me caring for his daughters if they eventually moved in. He's spoken about moving closer to his mum where he could also move his job to, but that'd mean my dc moving school which I wouldn't want to do. I've perhaps painted him unfairly - he is a very good dad but he struggles to enforce boundaries because he's scared they won't want to see him anymore. Their mum backs them up if they complain they weren't given what they wanted etc and would back them up in stopping contact, and has done so previously. He does see them alone, the once-twice per month are sleepovers and he sees them four or five times more in their town without us there.

OP posts:
caramelwaffle · 05/12/2013 08:33

I'm going to sound bossy, but make sure you take that job in January, and have a good Christmas.

youretoastmildred · 05/12/2013 09:33

I know someone else has already mentioned this but at no point have you said anything that would be good for you about moving into his.
A nosy question: what would be the ownership arrangement of your shared house? If he owns it, would he sign over half to you? (as would be de facto the case if you were married and a SAHP)

Good luck with your new job. I hope you enjoy it and I am sure it will lead to a whole new exciting era for you.

rookietherednosedreindeer · 05/12/2013 09:38

YANBU. I'm sure your DP is ever so nice and loves you dearly, but he is making his priority his children and his work requirements, then you third and your DCs fourth or tbh, not really on his list at all.

Shows he is a good father, but not necessarily a good partner and definitely not much of a step father. You sound really sensible, please put your DCs first ( just like he is putting his first) and do not move in with him.

Your relationship may not survive, but you cannot let your DCs grow up in an environment where they are so clearly second class citizens and where you don't have the independence to move.

I hope you make the right decision.

pictish · 05/12/2013 09:51

This business of the bedrooms is preposterous. The little princesses must have a room each, even for the twice monthly weekend visits must they?
Your dp's answer is to what? Shift your kids out of the rooms for the royal visit?
And what's that about him proposing to do both the rooms up in a girly fashion which your son will just be expected to suck up?
Just....what? I...uh...I just....what??

You'd be mad to go along with it.

pictish · 05/12/2013 10:00

Seriously OP - do not be one of those silly women who puts their relationship above their children on the priority list.
As things stand, his proposal would be an unmitagated disaster for your kids. It's all about what's right for him - his kids, his job, his house. There is nothing in it for you and yours but being diminished.

Judge a person not by what they say but by what they do.

Think back to the incident with the Malteasers. That is everything you need to know for the time being.

roses2 · 05/12/2013 10:01

So he wants a bedroom each for his children who he sees once or twice a month but your children who live there permanently have to share?

It's a no brainer really. Moving in together should be win-win for both of you. If you're not happy now, it will only get worse later on.

DirtyDancingCleanLiving · 05/12/2013 10:13

If I was single, I wouldn't even consider moving into 'his' house. Under any circumstances, even if the sun literally shined out of his arse and he was wonderful in every way.

If anything goes wrong, in a month, a year, or five years it will be you and your dc that have to leave.

I would move in with someone into OUR house. A fresh start, a home we chose together (either rented or mortgage). If he owns his house he could either sell or rent it out.

I wouldn't put myself in the position of moving into an already established home, regardless of other circs.