Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to just say what I'm really thinking?

62 replies

MolotovCocktail · 03/12/2013 16:01

I'd appreciate some perspective and honesty with this, please.

So, I have 2 dds, aged almost 5yo and 19mo. Both are tall; dd1 is slender, dd2 not so much - just normal toddler chubbiness. Not overweight.

There is another mum of a girl who is in my dd1's class who is nice enough and does comment on how cute my dd2 is. Her children (age 5 and 3) are very small - at the other end of the spectrum to my dcs.

Lately however, since returning to school in September, she makes a lot of comments re my daughter's sizes and about dd2 in particular. I usually bite my tongue and let it pass but I have to admit, its getting right on my tits.

I carried dd2 on my hip to the school gates today and the latest gem was 'God, I bet she weighs a ton!' I answered 'No, not at all. She's just a normal weight'.

Biscuit

I think the other mum comments because she has an issue with her children's small statures. There was a time over the summer when she commented on my dd2's foot size (she was only a 5 at the time!). Her 3yo was a 5 and I said 'you mean he's still in toddler shoes?!' It stopped the conversation.

WIBU to, next time she comments on either of my dd's heights/weights, say 'Every time I see you lately, you're making comments about her weight. Why do you keep going on?'

I don't really want to make issue, but like I say, I'm feeling irritated.

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 03/12/2013 16:04

Why did you feel the need to comment on her children and foot size?

Maybe she is mentioning your dd's weight because you seemed to think it was okay to make comments about her child?

elliegoulding · 03/12/2013 16:07

Have a look at the answers to the practically identical thread that was going on yesterday!! :)

Chattymummyhere · 03/12/2013 16:08

I think those of us while small children forget that actually a much younger child can be the same size and not over weight etc.

My own 2 year old is around the same size as a few 9month olds I know and it still shocks me just how big they are stood next to my 2 year old, I don't think it in a horrible way I just forget that my 2 year old is only 9th percentile

Original poster
MolotovCocktail · 03/12/2013 16:13

YouTheCat, I think you misunderatood. The other mum commented on my child's foot size. I retorted once after many months of biting my tongue.

Please can I have the title of yesterday's thread? Apologies for the repeat.

OP posts:
DontmindifIdo · 03/12/2013 16:15

I read that as hte woman was making comments that the OP's DD2 had big feet, and the OP mearly pointed out that this woman's DS was the one who was outside the normal range (being small so still in toddler shoes) rather than the OP having produced some sort of big footed freak...

Basically OP, if she's generally nice, it could well be she's commenting because she's very aware of her DCs being under the norm and is concerned enough about it that she does notice all the other children's sizes. You are hearing it as "wow, you have fat giants for daughters!" she might not mean it at all as an insult, more she's commenting because she's worried about her own DCs.

FWIW, I have small children (but then I am rather small myself, I'm 5'0 and have a small frame), I get comments about how little they are all the time, interestingly, it seems less like it's framed as an insult for a girl, she gets called 'delicate' and 'wee little thing', whereas comments about DS's weight aways seemed to be followed by questions along the lines of "was he born small?" with comments about how often/how much I was feeding him (not "how much does he eat?" more "how much do you give him?" as in, "you are obviously starving the poor thing, that's why he's small"). It can make you a bit defensive.

CaptainTripps · 03/12/2013 16:24

Just do the bright and breezy replies, keeping it pleasant. If you make a kerfuffle, she may well turn it back on you.

Let it go.

CaptainTripps · 03/12/2013 16:27

Having re-read your post, OP, you say she makes a lot of comments re your daughter's sizes and about dd2 in particular. Can you give more examples / be specific?

I know it's easier said than done to move past it, but the art of the dramatic pause and look of shock on your face may stop her with no words needed from you.

YouTheCat · 03/12/2013 16:27

Okay. I have misunderstood.

I'd just give a breezy - 'well it's not really that important, so long as they're thriving' and move on.

Or just don't engage with her at all. Is there any reason you have to?

Original poster
MolotovCocktail · 03/12/2013 16:33

Examples - there's nothing major or overtly offensive going on here. It's more the daily grind, the everyday-ness of 'Oh! Isn't she big!' 'Look at those chunky legs!' 'She's not a tiny little thing anymore, is she? She's packing it on!' 'What do you feed her? I bet she eats everything!' 'Aren't her feet massive!'.

I've tried not engaging and would prefer to ignore her, but its a small village school so this isn't always easy.

Appreciating all your feedback, thank-you.

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 03/12/2013 16:35

She will be obsessed with reading levels as well, I'd bet. Wink

She just sounds very insecure about her smaller than average children.

I know it's difficult but I'd ignore or change the subject as much as possible (just don't start on attainment at school or she might implode) Grin

DontmindifIdo · 03/12/2013 16:53

I would say react to every comment as though it's a compliment. So lots of "aw, thanks, yes, she's going to be all tall and leggy!" or "I know, doesn't she look great? Nice and snuggly plump like a toddler should be!" (react to any comment on her feet or hand size by saying that she's going to be tall and "leggy", make it clear that you just see your DD is in proportion).

If you act like she's said something nice, it'll annoy her if she's trying to be insulting, and if she's just commenting because she thinks these things are bad, by framing them as positives every time, bit by bit you'll chip away at her firm belief your DDs look bad and she'll start to see what you see.

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/12/2013 16:56

" 'Oh! Isn't she big!' 'Look at those chunky legs!' 'She's not a tiny little thing anymore, is she? She's packing it on!' 'What do you feed her? I bet she eats everything!' 'Aren't her feet massive!'."

"WIBU to, next time she comments on either of my dd's heights/weights, say 'Every time I see you lately, you're making comments about her weight. Why do you keep going on?'"

Frankly, I would not consider your response unreasonable. It's possible that she's unaware of it, or just one of those speaks-without-thinking types, in which case this would give her a heads-up that her comments are wearing. If she's being PA, it'll tell her she's been rumbled and put her on the back foot. If she's concerned about the size of her own children, it gives her an opening to say so (although I doubt she would take it, as she's already had plenty of opportunity to do so). Her response to being picked up on it will tell you why she's doing this, and you can take it from there.

thebody · 03/12/2013 16:59

just repeat ' yes they are absolutely gorgeous arnt they' to any and every comment. add a laugh.

lovelychops · 03/12/2013 17:07

Probably a bit passive aggressive, but could you say something along the lines of, "I'm always reluctant to mention other children's weight/ height/ shoe size, it can come across as really rude."

Original poster
MolotovCocktail · 03/12/2013 17:15

Thank-you all so, so much for your help. You've given me things to say and think about, ready for my next inevitable encounter. Not sure how I'll play it yet; may keep ot breezy and will be certain to say 'leggy' 'beautiful' (my dd's have blonde hair and blue eyes, too), and look happy and jolly Smile

Sincere thanks again

OP posts:
Goldenbear · 03/12/2013 18:58

It was my thread that was running yesterday in 'chat'- I have to say, you're lucky- you've had a lot more helpful and understanding responses. I got told I had mental health issues that I would have to deal with for the sake of my children's care. My experience was similar- I was carrying my 2.9 month old and was similarly told, 'that's a heavy child you have there.' Her own daughter is 7 and very thin, she tells a lot of people this and when she sees me at the school gates often comments on DD's size. The comment yesterday was the icing on the cake and I unthinkingly said, 'no she isn't heavy at all.' As she was walking with us her own daughter said to her Mother that she (being 7) was very heavy to carry and she quickly corrected her and said that she wasn't heavy at all which made me think that she was referring to my DD's size. Most posters believed me to be paranoid and that the word, 'heavy' is not an insult when talking about a small human's weight.

Apologies for digression. You are probably not imagining it but you will be told that it's a non issue.

Original poster
MolotovCocktail · 03/12/2013 19:25

Thank-you for your message, GoldenBear. I'm sorry to read that you didn't feel the messages you received supported you. I haven't read your thread yet but I'm glad that my post today has gleaned some very useful tips from some very kind and thoughtful MNetters and I hope that you might find these comments more useful in your particular situation Smile

Fwiw, the reason why I think I feel so irritated by this other mum is for the fact that she makes comments about my daughters: I see it as a very female issie that has broader connections in terms that big=large =unfeminine/undesirable/unattractive/unpretty.

I do not believe this to be the case, nor do I believe that small/petite=beautiful/desirable.

I don't think that the other mum in my case is bright enough to realise that that she is reinforcing negative social stereotyping; that she limits her own dd to the confines of Disneyfication/pinkification is another issue - just let it be enough for me to say that I celebrate my own dd's willowy statures but that it irritates me beyond end that I feel I need to defend their height.

I mean, I'm 5'10" and dh is 6'2". It's quite obvious that our children were probably going to be tall.

I'll try and find your thread now.

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 03/12/2013 19:32

Really I should be utterly irresistible being as I am both large and small at the same time. Grin

Balaboosta · 03/12/2013 19:43

It's possible she's just chatting an I a bit insensitive. I sometimes say stupid things that irritate people... It's easy to do if you're a friendly type (I am) but a bit insensitive (I can be). Try wishing her well and cut her some slack.

Original poster
MolotovCocktail · 03/12/2013 19:59

Woah, GoldenBear, you received some very harsh feedback.

I think the mum in question re this thread is insensitive - I shall continue with breezy and continually follow up with how beautiful my dds are; how bright my dd1 is and how dd2 ia follwing in her sister's footsteps.

It's just the endlessness of it thay grates my nerves.

I may even turn it around and say that my dd2 is almost as tall as her 3yo ... then ask what growth centile her child is on (knowing tnat it is probably

OP posts:
perplexedpirate · 03/12/2013 20:15

See, this is why I never made any 'mum friends'.
It's a fucking minefield!

redexpat · 03/12/2013 20:27

How about - no she's perfectly healthy, which is more than I can say for your obsession with my child's size. Good day.

Original poster
MolotovCocktail · 03/12/2013 21:05

Wow, Redexpat ... love it! Grin

OP posts:
TheBakeryQueen · 03/12/2013 21:30

Well if you do make comments on her 3yr old's size, having 'toddler' sized feet etc, bear in mind that her 3yr old might be listening & could be affected by it.

She sounds irritating but harmless and I think if you make silly comments about her child as a retort then your behaviour is no better.

Why can't you just avoid getting into conversation with her?

My ds2 is small for his age & one of the mums would point it out at every opportunity for some reason (not much else going on in her head?), so I realise this sort of thing can be annoying.

redexpat · 03/12/2013 21:39

I'm feeling grumpy this evening. Can you tell?

Swipe left for the next trending thread