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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to just say what I'm really thinking?

62 replies

MolotovCocktail · 03/12/2013 16:01

I'd appreciate some perspective and honesty with this, please.

So, I have 2 dds, aged almost 5yo and 19mo. Both are tall; dd1 is slender, dd2 not so much - just normal toddler chubbiness. Not overweight.

There is another mum of a girl who is in my dd1's class who is nice enough and does comment on how cute my dd2 is. Her children (age 5 and 3) are very small - at the other end of the spectrum to my dcs.

Lately however, since returning to school in September, she makes a lot of comments re my daughter's sizes and about dd2 in particular. I usually bite my tongue and let it pass but I have to admit, its getting right on my tits.

I carried dd2 on my hip to the school gates today and the latest gem was 'God, I bet she weighs a ton!' I answered 'No, not at all. She's just a normal weight'.

Biscuit

I think the other mum comments because she has an issue with her children's small statures. There was a time over the summer when she commented on my dd2's foot size (she was only a 5 at the time!). Her 3yo was a 5 and I said 'you mean he's still in toddler shoes?!' It stopped the conversation.

WIBU to, next time she comments on either of my dd's heights/weights, say 'Every time I see you lately, you're making comments about her weight. Why do you keep going on?'

I don't really want to make issue, but like I say, I'm feeling irritated.

OP posts:
SourSweets · 03/12/2013 22:08

People always comment on my son's size and weight. Always. He's on the 98th centile and I get "blimey, what are you feeding him?"... "he's a big old lump isn't he?" Etc etc. I personally like that he's big as he's obviously thriving, so I reply with a big smile and a "thank you, he is a big healthy boy!" Or "yes I know, isn't he gorgeous!"

You don't want to start going tit for tat, it'll be endless.

picnicbasketcase · 03/12/2013 22:17

'Yeah, she's part giant, she will one day scale a building and start swatting at aircraft. But anyway! How's your tiny tiny child? Like a teeny pixie isn't he? Mind you don't lose him amongst the blades of grass.'

Not really of course.

ToysRLuv · 03/12/2013 22:25

"Thank-you all so, so much for your help. You've given me things to say and think about, ready for my next inevitable encounter. Not sure how I'll play it yet; may keep ot breezy and will be certain to say 'leggy' 'beautiful' (my dd's have blonde hair and blue eyes, too), and look happy and jolly"

Ok, but blonde hair and blue eyes? How does that matter? Does she have "less desirably" coloured children?

Ullapull · 03/12/2013 23:43

OP - this "I don't think that the other mum in my case is bright enough to realise that that she is reinforcing negative social stereotyping; that she limits her own dd to the confines of Disneyfication/pinkification is another issue"

jars with this
"will be certain to say 'leggy' 'beautiful' (my dd's have blonde hair and blue eyes, too),"

At least be consistent if you're going to try and smash sexist stereotypes.

Original poster
MolotovCocktail · 04/12/2013 07:31

Sorry, didn't mean to offend anyone with the blonde hair/blue eyes comment. Of course children with dark hair/dark eyes are beautiful, too.

OP posts:
Original poster
MolotovCocktail · 04/12/2013 07:35

And yes, I take on board my inconsistent comments. Something clashes with me tying to recognise why the mum makes comments about my dds who, in simplest terms, are pretty girls.

Again, no offence intended.

OP posts:
Original poster
MolotovCocktail · 04/12/2013 07:35

For the record, her children are absolutely beautiful.

OP posts:
Itstartshere · 04/12/2013 08:21

I would just come out with, 'are you aware that you constantly make references to my child's size?' and give her a good glare. Hopefully she'll feel embarrassed. It's none of her business.

Birdsgottafly · 04/12/2013 08:34

"Toys" beat to it and I know that you've back tracked OP, I still find this odd, though.

"I don't think that the other mum in my case is bright enough to realise that that she is reinforcing negative social stereotyping; that she limits her own dd to the confines of Disneyfication/pinkification is another issue - "

I wondered the relevance of the "blond hair and blue eyes", you have just said again, you meant they were pretty.

What does eye and hair colour have to do with making a child pretty, unless you go by Disney/ Racist standards.

You have since said that her children are beautiful, to.

Why are you both hung up

Margene · 04/12/2013 08:34

"I hope you don't mind, but we generally avoid discussing body shapes and sizes in front of them. Healthy and happy, that's all we care about!"

Birdsgottafly · 04/12/2013 08:34

"On appearance"

Original poster
MolotovCocktail · 04/12/2013 09:14

I don't think I've backtracked, Birds. I think I accepted that I'd made contradictory statements and because it is important to me not to offend people over something that was inferred from comments I made, I clarified my point.

I did (subconsciously within my dialogue here) refer to a white ethnocentric standard of beauty because we are a white British family. My children 'fit' that ideal in the blonde hair/blue eyes way.

I will repeat that a legitimate inference was taken, but my statement was in no way against those of 'other' non-white ethnicities

My worry now is that this thread will digress and much, much more will be made out of a statement that I've held my hands up to (and hope I've already clarified clearly already).

OP posts:
cornflakegirl · 04/12/2013 09:18

It sounds like the other mother might be a bit insecure about her children's size - some people do feel the need to talk others down in order to feel okay about themselves and their children. If you think she's not especially bright, it's probably not worth challenging.

Heavy can be a descriptor of how it feels to carry something, as well as a description of the actual thing. So my DS2 is perfectly in proportion, but doesn't really hold on when I carry him, so feels heavy to carry - and I announce this to him and others. My friend's DD who is 10 is objectively heavier, but much easier to carry because of her fantastic stomach muscles and the way she holds herself.

So I think you can treat her comments as chit-chat - "Yes, she is getting heavy", or "Yeah, I'm saving a fortune on gym membership!". "She does love her food - I'm so lucky". "She costs me a fortune at the shoe shop". Do the self-deprecating British thing, where the underlying assumption is that everything is a compliment. Or if you can't, just ignore her. But don't bite back - you will be the bad guy, and I guess in a small village school, you really don't want that.

Original poster
MolotovCocktail · 04/12/2013 09:18

And it may seem like I'm getting 'hung up' because I'm defending my comments against inferences made which imply issues that were not intended here.

Let's remember that this thread is about a mum at my dd's scho who lately has started to make lots of comments about my 19mo's height and weight.

OP posts:
poopadoop · 04/12/2013 09:46

Jeez - the 'ideal' is blue eyes blond hair - you sound pretty fixated on appearances yourself. It is not just that it is 'offensive', it is that you come across as shallow and silly.
Just (politely) ask the woman to please avoid commenting on your daughter's size as you don't want your children to have hang-ups about their appearance. Job done. And then have a little think yourself about your own prejudices! This plotting about obnoxious things to say to her makes you sound like a toddler yourself.

monicalewinski · 04/12/2013 09:48

I'd actually be more inclined to put her comments down to lack of things to talk to you about, I would have probably just taken them as innocuous comments made as small talk tbh.

FWIW my boys were little butter-balls from birth until about 18 months or so, my youngest was so chubby he practically couldn't bend in the middle at 6 months (he's now 8 and is slight but muscly). Everyone used to comment on his chubbiness, and he was unbearably cute with it - it was the obvious conversation point for people I was just acquainted with.

Goldenbear · 04/12/2013 10:03

It is wholly inappropriate to make comments continuously about a child's weight/size. I would be particularly concerned about her motivation for doing so if she has very small percentile children herself. It's probably wise to ignore but on the other hand I wouldn't want my DC to start believing her observations, normalising her skewed perception of things. If you go around endlessly pointing this stuff out to people when your own DC are not average but in fact the other end of the spectrum, I'm sorry but people are in the end going to reply matter of factly to you!

Whatever anyone says the topic of 'weight' is often a sensitive issue for most, that is why people don't frequently tell others they are 'fat' or objectively 'heavy' or overweight. It is socially frowned upon. I'm not sure why it is any different for children- they are not objects, they have feelings and are often aware of a lot more than we think. This is why I would be especially concerned about this woman's comments around your eldest DD. I remember my step aunt saying I was 'podgy' and poked my belly when I was 5- I was really upset and ran up to my room. It really stayed with me. Looking at photos of myself at 5 I was all skin and bone but had a bit of a pot belly I suppose but I was in no way podgy,, if anything I needed to put weight on. This is why I wouldn't dismiss the impact thoughtless comments can make.

Goldenbear · 04/12/2013 10:11

The point is she shouldn't have to politely or otherwise ask this woman to stop commenting on her DD's size. The woman is socially inept and understandably the OP does not want her daughter to bear the brunt of this.

MelanieRavenswood · 04/12/2013 10:20

The woman is definitely socially inept and she really needs the message that she should stop, I agree.

But am genuinely surprised that the OP feels that blonde hair and blue eyes fit an "ideal" of a "white ethnocentric standard of beauty". Is there really a standard of beauty within ethnicities? Where has that come from? It's quite a troubling thought.

Original poster
MolotovCocktail · 04/12/2013 10:23

Don't be silly - of course there are ideals of beauty within each and every culture.

OP posts:
monicalewinski · 04/12/2013 10:35

Ideals of beauty are not hair/skin/eye colour though IMO.

Ideals of beauty are symmetry, blemish free, aesthetically pleasing etc.

I do think you're over-reacting to passing comments from a very casual acquaintance - your daughter is bigger than hers, so what, you've already said you're a tall family, it stands to reason your children will be taller/bigger than a small statured family.

I would say it's more upsetting for those with children on the very small side tbh. It's far more unsettling as an adult to be very small than it is to be tall - tall adults have a natural physical presence that short people do not and often feel they have to compensate for.

Birdsgottafly · 04/12/2013 10:46

"But am genuinely surprised that the OP feels that blonde hair and blue eyes fit an "ideal" of a "white ethnocentric standard of beauty". Is there really a standard of beauty within ethnicities? Where has that come from? It's quite a troubling thought."

It us the Ayran ideal of beauty. Hitler was a big fan of it, it sets the ideal, after all.

Disney was a big Nazi supporter, that's what makes the OP's comment so contradictory.

It's fine to treat people badly if they aren't light skinned with blonde hair, blue eyes, makes Racism so much easier to engineer.

The OP understands the concept of social conditioning so much better then the other mother, after all.

MatryoshkaDoll · 04/12/2013 10:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MolotovCocktail · 04/12/2013 11:00

This thread is digressing toward a very unsettling route. I will not engage with the Aryan/Nazi/Hitler comment anymore, though suffice it to say that Hitler stole and bastardised the vocabulary of existing ideals.

I really do think now that my earlier comment is being heavily manipulated.

Thank to all for your constructive comments.

OP posts:
poopadoop · 04/12/2013 11:08

OP - you did bring it on yourself to be honest! And seeing as many if not most white english kids are blond hair and blue eyed I wouldn't get too hung up on 'ideals of beauty' as you define them