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AIBU?

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Original poster

To want to strangle my sister in law??

103 replies

HankEpankie · 03/12/2013 15:15

Apologies for the rant.... But

Everytime she see my ds, even for a short visit she brings some sort of gift. I have tried everything from asking her to limit it to special occasions, to dropping hints about not wanting him to be spoilt to downright refusing to accept stuff but she NEVER LISTENS.

Her kids are so spoilt it's embarrasing and I dont want my child turning out rude and materialistic like hers. I don't really agree with the way she raises her kids but it's her right to do what she wants for her kids, as it is my right to make desicions about my child.

We have never really got on and I feel like this is her partly trying to wind me up which infuriates me because my child is being used in her silly games. It's not that I don't appreciate the gesture but all this gift giving no longer seems genuine, just a ploy to piss me off. Now she has taken to comin over to visit and then waiting till I'm out the room and pulling out the latest gift and giving it directly to ds so I can't really take it off him without being the bad guy. And she does it with a smirk on her face Angry.

Another thing she does is constantly trying to undermine my authority ..I don't allow ds to any sort of junk food and whenever my back is turned she is plying him with cake etc things a 15 month old doesnt need to be eating!!

The other day ds ate his food at a restaurant and I went to order him fruit for dessert, and as Im cutting it up I hear her sayin "oh u don't want that, do u want cake" and tried to give him cake off her plate. I said "no he is not allowed cake" and she still went to hand it to him and I actually had to physically take it out her hand!!!! What.the.actual.fuck

Then the other day she asks what i plan to get him for xmas and i told her...the next day i get a txt sayin she has just ordered what i ws planning to buy so "can i please not buy it aswell"

She is constantly trying to undermine and patronise me like she knows best and short of strangling her I don't know what to do. Believe me I am no wallflower and have put my foot down over and over again but she just ignores me...any advice on what I should do?? I refuse to let this carry on...

OP posts:
nancy75 · 03/12/2013 21:43

How often does she visit with a gift? if it is everyday yanbu, if it is 3 or 4 times a year maybe yabu

OutragedFromLeeds · 03/12/2013 21:52

How can it be constant? Do you live with her? If she's popping in to visit, it's not constant. 'Other people' are not undermining what you're teaching him. Firstly, it's only one other person, everyone else is normal right? Secondly, what is being undermined? Teach him how lucky he is, have a 'one in-one out' policy, every time he gets a gift he gives something away (to a charity shop or women's refuge). One person giving your child gifts will not ruin them. I promise.

The only real problem is the stress and annoyance you're experiencing, but it's all unnecessary. Relax.

PurpleValentine · 03/12/2013 21:53

How bloody boring, you sound so self righteous. Give the poor child a piece of cake.

And either call her out on it or play her at her own game. When she gives a gift be over the top about and how wonderful it is.

First world problem.

winkywinkola · 03/12/2013 22:18

It doesn't actually matter if the op is uptight or not. She doesn't sound it to me but she may do to others.

However, that is not the point.

The point is that one of her relatives keeps on saying eff you and continuing with unwelcome behaviour. To me, that's a pretty weird and serious over stepping of respect and boundaries.

Why would anyone do that? Unless of course they were spoiling for a fight.

It's very manipulative too. Can you imagine? "God, I was only giving him a present!" (never mind it was the 40th gift that year) or "The kid needs a bit of cake. What a crime!" (give your own kids cake - don't assume everybody else is the same.)

If someone said to me, "I'd rather you didn't do that," with regard to their child or own personal arena, regardless of what I thought of the request, I would respect their personal preferences.

That is key. It's respect. Just because you do one thing with your children, do not dare to assume it's okay to do the same with other people's even if it is well intentioned. Parents get enough flak.

And that is why so many wider family relationships fail because other family members think they know best and cannot understand why parents of children (who take full responsibility for their children) get cheesed off.

Original poster
HankEpankie · 03/12/2013 22:21

Oh yeah ok lets just stuff the little babies face with cake constantly, why not macdonalds every morning for breakfast while we're at it Hmm some people comments are actually ridiculous, I didn't come here to argue the toss over whether I should let my son eat cake it was about asking advice on someone who I feel undermines me as parent.

I can't believe some people are acting as if I have done something wrong here, if Ive asked her not to do something for what I feel is the better of my child and she does it anyway that's demonstrates a complete lack of respect for my opinion and authority as a parent.

I love the way people are judging me because I give my son a balanced diet. He is a baby for gods sake why give him all the shit when he doesn't need/want or ask for it..that doesn't make me self righteous cos I want him to eat healthy food. "Poor Child"

Your acting as if I lock him in his room everyday with no toys and only organic rice cakes for company.

OP posts:
maddy68 · 03/12/2013 22:22

I also think your being stupidly uptight. Your child isn't going to grow up into a spoilt brat because an Aunty occasionally gives her a gift when she visits or gives her a piece of cake That's what aunts and grandparents are for.... Get over yourself , you are making a problem where there isn't one

Original poster
HankEpankie · 03/12/2013 22:23

Thank you winkywinkola that is exactly what I am getting at, it's not me sticking my nose up at people that give their children cake or gifts for gods sake!

OP posts:
PurpleValentine · 03/12/2013 22:25

What an absolute killjoy.

Original poster
HankEpankie · 03/12/2013 22:26

At Maddy68 it is constant, just because I didn't sit here and list every example chronologically does not mean it's not constant. It's not the "occasional gift" if it was we wouldn't be having this conversation.

I think you need to get over yourself and stop commenting when you clearly have no comprehension of the full story. Unbelievable

OP posts:
OutragedFromLeeds · 03/12/2013 22:28

How is it constant? Do you live with her?

Original poster
HankEpankie · 03/12/2013 22:31

No I don't live with her but she comes round alot and if she's not bringing stuff she's sending stuff through the post

OP posts:
winkywinkola · 03/12/2013 22:35

maddy68 and purplevalentine, you are totally missing the point.

I'm sure you both are relaxed to the point of falling down - how cool - but you should still respect other people's preferences regardless instead of railroading them into accepting yours by saying, "Oh, you're so uptight," and "Oh chill," which reads as, "Oh you won't let me do what I want. Oh you've got a rod up your ass."

Nope. Wrong.

OutragedFromLeeds · 03/12/2013 22:35

If you ask her to stop coming round would she listen?

The post stuff is not a problem. Just re-gift.

If she's doing it to annoy you, which is what you think she's doing, the best way to deal with it is to NOT be annoyed. She'll get bored and move on. In the meantime your DS is not coming to any harm.

winkywinkola · 03/12/2013 22:36

Just to reiterate. Cake is not the point. Making the child spoilt is not the point.

The mother, the primary caregiver, does not want it happening.

Why is her pov not important and respected here?

GoodnessKnows · 03/12/2013 22:40

Avoid like plague.
Tell her she must've been confused as you told her that's what YOu'D bought him. So she'll have to take it back.

PleaseJustLeaveYourBrotherAlon · 03/12/2013 22:41

Do I give my toddlers cake? Yes, I choose to, I'm the parent.

If my friend's baby doesn't eat caje, I don't give the baby cake.simple.

Babies don't need cake.

Interesting there are a few people here who think the needs of others supersede the parents wishes.

Maybe your sil is on the ithread op?

And 20 gifts in 2 months is constant. Tell her one last time. After that sell whatever she sends and put it an account for your ds

BillyBanter · 03/12/2013 22:45

With regards to the christmas present don't say anything. Your DC will open yours first on Xmas morning and hers will be a duplicate and you can give it back to her or tell her you gave it to charity.

Is she your DP's sister? What does he have to say about it? Or your brother's wife? Same question.

foreverondiet · 03/12/2013 22:47

re: gifts, a bit hard but with my kids (slightly older) I would say thanks, will use that as a reward in next star chart, and take it from them saying they could have it back when they completed star chart. That way they have to "earn" their gifts.

re: Christmas present, well look at it this way, he is too young to remember whats from who, so she just saved you lots of money.

re: cake, thats hard, I am laid back about cake (although would never give to someone else's toddler) so it was a bit rude and unacceptable but short of telling her you don't want him to have cake not many options.

mrstigs · 03/12/2013 22:56

Any mother has the right to choose how to bring up their child (barring abuse obviously). She is using your son to get at you and thats just a horrible way to behave. It will also be very confusing for him when he gets older and picks up on this point scoring and undermining. I would disengage as much as possible if i were you.

BillyBanter · 03/12/2013 22:59

The problem isn't really cake or not cake. If the OP was happy for her DC to stuff his face with all the cake in the shop but not drink fizzy drinks then the SIL would be giving him fizzy drinks.

Original poster
HankEpankie · 03/12/2013 22:59

@billybanter

She's dp's sister but we are no longer together. They are not actually on speaking terms at the moment and haven't been for a while but I have tried to let my ds maintain a relationship with her despite the fact she is not actually related to me and we never got along in the past.

He also hates her behaviour though, he says she acts like ds is her child ...on his 1st birthday she rang and booked a venue for his party without even asking if it was ok and then rang him asking for his card details to pay for it and expected him to reimburse her for the deposit she put down on it!!

Tell me that's not crazy

OP posts:
Xmasbaby11 · 03/12/2013 23:00

How often does she visit? I just can't imagine getting annoyed about the DCs getting a few presents.

I would be annoyed about the food, though.

Xmasbaby11 · 03/12/2013 23:01

OK she is CRAZY. Oh she is! Oh, poor you.

MadAsFish · 03/12/2013 23:05

What an absolute killjoy.

No, she's not.

BillyBanter · 03/12/2013 23:07

So you are letting a woman you are no longer related to, who you don't like, who undermines you with your childrearing come and visit how many times a month? Maybe it's a way to undermine her brother too, especially as he's sensible enough to not be talking to her.

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