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AIBU?

To want to strangle my sister in law??

103 replies

HankEpankie · 03/12/2013 15:15

Apologies for the rant.... But

Everytime she see my ds, even for a short visit she brings some sort of gift. I have tried everything from asking her to limit it to special occasions, to dropping hints about not wanting him to be spoilt to downright refusing to accept stuff but she NEVER LISTENS.

Her kids are so spoilt it's embarrasing and I dont want my child turning out rude and materialistic like hers. I don't really agree with the way she raises her kids but it's her right to do what she wants for her kids, as it is my right to make desicions about my child.

We have never really got on and I feel like this is her partly trying to wind me up which infuriates me because my child is being used in her silly games. It's not that I don't appreciate the gesture but all this gift giving no longer seems genuine, just a ploy to piss me off. Now she has taken to comin over to visit and then waiting till I'm out the room and pulling out the latest gift and giving it directly to ds so I can't really take it off him without being the bad guy. And she does it with a smirk on her face .

Another thing she does is constantly trying to undermine my authority ..I don't allow ds to any sort of junk food and whenever my back is turned she is plying him with cake etc things a 15 month old doesnt need to be eating!!

The other day ds ate his food at a restaurant and I went to order him fruit for dessert, and as Im cutting it up I hear her sayin "oh u don't want that, do u want cake" and tried to give him cake off her plate. I said "no he is not allowed cake" and she still went to hand it to him and I actually had to physically take it out her hand!!!! What.the.actual.fuck

Then the other day she asks what i plan to get him for xmas and i told her...the next day i get a txt sayin she has just ordered what i ws planning to buy so "can i please not buy it aswell"

She is constantly trying to undermine and patronise me like she knows best and short of strangling her I don't know what to do. Believe me I am no wallflower and have put my foot down over and over again but she just ignores me...any advice on what I should do?? I refuse to let this carry on...

OP posts:

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superlambanana · 03/12/2013 16:57

That's a bit harsh sparkly!

OP I'd be annoyed too - I think yanbu. I'm not sure what you can do though. Have you tried the calm 'this is how your behaviour makes me feel. Can you explain why you do this please?' chat? Maybe the soft approach might work...?

DameDeepRedBetty · 03/12/2013 17:02

Have you talked to the link between you? I'm assuming she's either your brother's OH or your OH's sister. What do they thing of it?

DameDeepRedBetty · 03/12/2013 17:04

think

Yanbu to be considering strangulation btw, Yabu to actually do it, but only as judges don't normally see in-laws being infuriating as mitigating circumstances.

HankEpankie · 03/12/2013 19:51

Thank you for all your constructive responses, for those who referred to me as uptight etc that is a ridiculous observation you don't even know me.

Asking someone to respect my wishes about the life desicions I have made for my child is not being uptight or po faced. This is not about me thinking I am a better parent because everybody has a right to do with their children what they feel is best, this is me stating that I do not want my child to be spoilt or grow up expecting gifts from everybody, everyday. I have never made comment to her on her parenting but I mentioned it in this post because her children in my opinion are very materialistic and I wanted you guys to understand why I would be concerned with that sort of overindulgence.

I will give you an example; I bought her 8 yr old son a gift for his birthday and when he opened it he screamed at me because it was the 'wrong colour' and threw it on the floor .....I would be mortified if my child ever did something like that, that's all I'm saying

Oh and I am not with ds's father any longer but he has currently fell out with her over the same sort of thing and is constantly asking her no to do it but she just does it anyway

Like I said the issue here is not me thinking I'm a better parent, it's about her not respecting my wishes or authority as my sons parent irrespective of whether she does things differently or not

Just to bring some perspective on the issue, in the last two months she has given him over 20 gifts ...

OP posts:

Jengnr · 03/12/2013 19:55

Just don't see her any more. If her brother doesn't want to and you're no longer with him why would you?

HankEpankie · 03/12/2013 19:59

@ Jengnr

Well I was considering that but basically I was trying to be adult and maintain a relationship for my sons sake but now her behaviour is becoming so destructive and I have tried everything I do not think I'm going to bother anymore

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sparklysilversequins · 03/12/2013 20:01

No of course I don't know you, but you posted here asking for opinions and that's what I thought from what you posted.

BohemianGirl · 03/12/2013 20:05

TBH buying someone a present isn't going to result in the following: I dont want my child turning out rude and materialistic like hers. I assume you do teach your child please and thank you? No rudeness need be involved.

Do you think she has some issues? The need to 'buy love' ? there are a lot of people like that. So insecure and vulnerable. Food of course is the gift of love, social acceptance. We swap food to show that.

You arent with the childs father any longer, is this her way of keeping contact with you?

HankEpankie · 03/12/2013 20:18

Ok that's fair enough, I just don't feel like me trying to set boundaries for my child and asking people to respect them is being uptight. I wouldn't dream of undermining her as a parent, even though I don't agree with her style of parenting.

I'm not sure if I'm coming across as I intend as I am at the end of my tether with this. I have tried the softly approach, I have tried to talk to her on several occasions and what Im saying is I believe she is doing it deliberately. She says things like "I know you said you didn't want ds to have such and such but I bought it anyway" . I just find it rude.

@bohemiangirl I do think she tries to buy love in that sense but I do also think she knows exactly how it makes me feel which is what infuriates me the most

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OutragedFromLeeds · 03/12/2013 20:20

I think you're worrying too much about the gifts tbh. One family member bringing him gifts isn't going to make him materialistic or grabby or bratty. Just smile and say 'thanks'. Let him have it until he's bored and then sell it or give it to the charity shop. If she's doing it to wind you up, she'll stop when it doesn't wind you up anymore. Don't sweat the small stuff.

He's 15 months old? He doesn't know what Christmas is. He's getting what you wanted him to have and you've saved some money. Win Win. He isn't going to know who bought it for him. Say 'thanks, that's saved me some money'. Don't tell her in future.

The food thing would bother me more, just continue saying no when it really matters. Don't sweat the small stuff. A tiny piece of cake will do him no harm.

winkywinkola · 03/12/2013 20:23

It's not about the bloody cake is it?

It's about how the sil just sticks up two fingers to the op at every opportunity. It's bang out of order. I would have told her to bugger off by now.

DejaVuAllOverAgain · 03/12/2013 20:27

Stop seeing her, you have no obligation to maintain a relationship between her and your DS. If anyone does that would be your ex and if he doesn't then she'll lose out and maybe it'll make her realise that she has to show you some respect if she wants a relationship with your son. I don't think your son will lose out much not having to see someone who constantly undermines his parents.

Noctilucent · 03/12/2013 20:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scarlettsmummy2 · 03/12/2013 20:31

I think she just sounds like a very eager auntie. I would just go with the flow, and honestly, the odd bit of cake is fine.

redexpat · 03/12/2013 20:34

YANBU about gifts. I often find it overwhelming.

Putting the best possible spin on it, it sounds as if she equates giving gifts with love. So really she's showing you how much she loves your DS.

Could your ex PILS stage an intervention on your behalf?

Otherwise I think your only option is to disengage.

HoHolepew · 03/12/2013 20:39

Stop seeing her. You aren't obliged.

DameDeepRedBetty · 03/12/2013 20:41

Thanks for the update.

I think you should stop socialising with her and seek out your own friends/family who have a rational attitude towards interfering between a parent and child.

Apart from anything else, the last thing your DS needs is a badly behaved brat cousin - 'the wrong colour' indeed!

ilovecolinfirth · 03/12/2013 20:42

Definitely a few security issues. Not got much advice, but definitely have sympathy. It sounds like she's into a little bit of one-up-man-ship

HankEpankie · 03/12/2013 20:44

That's exactly my point, it's not about the him having the odd bit of cake it's about her not listening to my wishes..

And I agree he may not know what's going on now but do you honestly think that being constantly plied with gifts for no apparent reason is going to make him appreciate anything? And as with her undermining me do you not think that if he grows up seeing "oh mummy said no bit auntie said yes anyway" that that isn't going to cause problems...he may be too young to understand now but that's why I'm trying to nip it in the bud before its too late.. Over 20 gifts in 2 months and she has bought him 9 Xmas presents already ...that is not normal I'm sorry!!

You are all absolutely right, I don't have to tolerate this woman or her behaviour and I am under no obligation to maintain a relationship, thank you for your advice, even to the posters who think I'm a bitch

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cjel · 03/12/2013 20:54

I don't know if it has been said and I missed it, but I'd be wary of telling her you already got the present and she had to get something else because from what you've said I think she will give it to your ds early and you'll be left to look like you doubled up not her.

I step back a bit from seeing her.xx

FunkyBoldRibena · 03/12/2013 21:03

You maybe need to tell her to wind her neck in or she won't be seeing your son again, and that includes returning the present that she says she has bought after knowing you were getting it for him. And yes, start putting them onto ebay and start playing her before she plays you.

OutragedFromLeeds · 03/12/2013 21:11

You're worrying too much, honestly.

She could give him 100 presents a day and you could still teach him to be appreciative. He's not a dog, he will be capable of complex thought. He has other people in his life to provide balance. A generous aunty will not ruin him. The 'mummy said no, aunty said yes' things is easily avoidable, just stop saying no! Unless it's really dangerous or something, let her spoil him for an hour when she sees him.

You don't need to maintain contact with her, but you will come across so many people like this that it's easier to accept that someone deviating from your parenting plan actually does them no harm. It's needless stress.

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mumofweeboys · 03/12/2013 21:27

She doesn't respect your wishes which isn't on but sounds like she is trying to feel wanted perhaps. It gives her a good feeling to buy presents and give them, perhaps she feels worried that she won't be a big part of her nephews life or needs to feel like she is doping something special for her nephew - even if it is misguided.

He won't become spoiled by her presents as you will teach him manners and appropriate behaviour. I would just grin and bear the her giving gifts but don't be telling her what you have brought.

HankEpankie · 03/12/2013 21:38

But it's not just being spoilt for an hour it's constant so will have some affect on him in the long run. I can teach him all the values in the world but if the other people in his life are undermining that is that really helping?

I'm sorry but I am his parent and if I don't want him doing something I am within my rights to say no, I'm not going to go against my normal principles just when she's around, she's not the queen. She is an adult who should respects my sons usual routines, and the boundaries and principles I am trying to instil.

That doesn't mean she can't give him the occasional treat but she should not take the piss with it or try and use these gifts as a way of winding me up. It's childish and rude

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HankEpankie · 03/12/2013 21:41

@mumofweeboys

At first I thought it was innocent in that sense like maybe she just wants to be included but I'm sorry I have told her enough times how it makes me feel and she still does it and when I hear her saying things to my ds like "ur mummy's silly, I will buy you whatever you want" I think that's bang out of order

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