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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

and a cruel mother?

55 replies

ExcitedEmmy · 03/12/2013 13:07

MIL has commented that she thinks I'm cruel to 6 year old dd, based on a few recent situations.

Firstly, dd was climbing on a stool in the shop (the sort they use to stack shelves) I told her she shouldn't be climbing on it and asked that she please get down. She went on to climb back on and fell off. She wasn't hurt or upset, I said: 'that's why you shouldn't be climbing on it' before asking if she was ok. MIL was practically running to pick her up and cuddle her and couldn't believe I'd reprimanded her.

Secondly, I have a spelling test app on my iPad. Dd uses it to practice then when she gets them all right she's allowed to play a game for twenty mins. MIL thinks it's mean to only allow 20 mins screen time per day and to have her do spellings first.

Finally, dd takes ages to wake up in the morning and to get ready. She comes to my room to get ready but will spend ten mins dancing with knickers on her head etc. Every school day she spends 10-15 mins singing on the toilet and it's started making her run late for school. I tried getting her up earlier, changing clocks etc but she just spent longer on toilet. I spoke to her and said she's spending too long singing on the toilet and she said it was only a couple of mins so I timed her then that evening I asked her to sit on a chair for the same llength of time to demonstrate how much time she was wasting in the morning. The next day she was on and off in a minute. MIL said this is cruel and controlling Confused

AIBU and a horrible mother?

OP posts:
harticus · 03/12/2013 13:10

YANBU and no you don't sound like a horrible mother.

ElenorRigby · 03/12/2013 13:10

Your fine.
However your MIL needs wind her neck in and keep her nose out!

AdmiralData · 03/12/2013 13:10

I seriously don't think YABU. I wish my own DM had put a bit of your style parenting into my childhood tbh. Is MIL a pushover? Does she generally spoil your DD?

WorraLiberty · 03/12/2013 13:11

I think your MIL is bonkers

But having said that, rather than make her sit on a chair to show her the length of time (clever idea btw!) I wouldn't have ever put up with it in the first place.

Your MIL would probably have a fainting fit Grin

Manchesterhistorygirl · 03/12/2013 13:11

You are not being unreasonable and your mil is odd.

TheSydenhamSet · 03/12/2013 13:11

I think you sound sensible and someone who takes child character training seriously. I'm sure all this is balanced by lots of love and affection. And I think 20mins screen time , earnt by a spelling test is fine, though I'm sure 30mins would be appreciated by your dd and wouldn't have a negative affect on her development. My ds loved his 30min screen time after a day at school

TheSydenhamSet · 03/12/2013 13:15

*loves not loved

HarkTEEHeraldAngelsSing · 03/12/2013 13:16

Yes. You are a horrible mother. Children should be allowed to run rampant and do whatever they want all the time.

ceebie · 03/12/2013 13:17

My goodness, cruel mother alert! Imagine teaching your daughter boundaries? Don't you know you are supposed to raise a spoilt brat.

MortifiedAnyFuckerAdams · 03/12/2013 13:17

All sounds fine to me.

Maybe you should spend less time with your MIL.

EatriskierDrinkAndBeMerry · 03/12/2013 13:18

YANBU at all, nor are you cruel or any of those other things.

Surely your MILs job as gm is to spoil her, but not to expect you too. My DD has to earn telly time through good behaviour but my MIL doesn't want to do that, I told MIL I wasn't bothered as part of being a gm was letting the kids get away with some things. But I'd be telling MIL where to go if she said I was cruel for doing it here (having said that MIL thinks its a great idea, she just can't be bothered implementing it for the day she looks after DD).

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 03/12/2013 13:18

YANBU and that timing thing is genius Smile

YouTheCat · 03/12/2013 13:22

When you have a well-adjusted, happy grown up child in 10 years it won't be because she was over-indulged by her GM. It'll be because you gave her sensible boundaries implemented with love.

CrapBag · 03/12/2013 13:22

YADNBU. Your MIL needs to mind her own business. None of this is cruel. You should ask her what exactly she thinks you should do, then ignore her as she will be talking crap.

I do the same, if my kids are doing something they shouldn't be and I have told them not to but then they fall or something, I tell them that it was their own fault etc (as long as they aren't seriously injured).

The reward for spelling test is fine, does MIL think kids should be allowed as much screen time as they want and not have to do things like homework?

Like the idea of sitting on the chair to show how much time she is wasting, that's great!

BoJolly · 03/12/2013 13:24

Goodness, is your MIL attached to you by a piece of string? How on earth is she constantly looking over your shoulder?

You sound like a very sensible parent to me and any child that sings on the toilet and dances around with their knickers on their head is clearly very happy. Grin

fuzzpig · 03/12/2013 13:25

Nope, you sound like on all counts you have your DD's best interests at heart, and that's what makes a good mother.

And your solution to the toilet singing is absolute GENIUS!

puntasticusername · 03/12/2013 13:29

YA so NBU.

HECTheHeraldAngelsSing · 03/12/2013 13:31

Your mother in law needs to keep her unasked for opinions to herself. You do not sound like a cruel mother.

BaronessBomburst · 03/12/2013 13:33

I'm copying that timing and sitting on the chair thing! Perfect!

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 03/12/2013 13:33

Maybe don't tell her and then she can't comment.

I never know with these sorts of threads whether the OP's just want us to tell them how fabulous at parenting they are - I mean, obviously the OP knows she isn't a cruel mother!

Dawndonnaagain · 03/12/2013 13:34

You sound quite normal to me. I once took ds1 (now 28) to school in his pyjamas. He'd been warned for a week that if he kept running late not only would I do it, I would ensure he stayed in them until breaktime. Teacher was on my side. Funny, he was never late again after that.

Yama · 03/12/2013 13:35

YANBU or cruel.

I would not take kindly to anyone commenting on my parenting.

PassTheSherry · 03/12/2013 13:37

No I don't think you're cruel - I would have said exactly the same thing regarding the climbing on the stool, and falling off. (i.e. not very sympathetic. Or told her I'd take her home immediately if she didn't stop messing about, even before that).

Encouraging her to practice spellings - wow, you're taking an interest in her education, and being proactive about support, how terrible!

Limiting screentime - Good for you, not to just let dd play on it every spare moment and basically use it as a glorified babysitter.

Finally, dd takes ages to wake up in the morning and to get ready. She comes to my room to get ready but will spend ten mins dancing with knickers on her head etc. Every school day she spends 10-15 mins singing on the toilet

That bit makes me laugh as it sounds very much like my 6yo dd! Grin I am taking notes about getting her to sit on a chair for the equivalent time wasted in a morning...seems like quite a good idea to me, as mornings are such a pain. Dd's have no sense of urgency whatsoever.

I think as long as your interactions are also balanced out with lots of affection and love too - no you're not cruel at all - you sound firm but fair. Your MIL is too soft and lacking in boundaries.

HopAlongOnItsOnlyChristmas · 03/12/2013 13:40

I think you sound very sensible and like a good mum. Your MIL needs to sod off. I sympathise though, as my inlaws treat every bump and scrape that toddler DS gets as The End Of The World. Even if he is not bothered.

Original poster
ExcitedEmmy · 03/12/2013 13:40

Worra it's hard to stop it though as if I remove her from the toilet she says she was trying to poo then walks around doing a 'need a poo' dance rather than getting dressed!

Yes MIL does spoil her big time. Dd only has to yawn and MIL is bedding her down on the sofa with a film and chocolate despite it being the middle of the day. Dd accepts I have different rules (or rather, that MIL has none!) and doesn't try the same things with me but it annoys me that MIL feels the need to comment on my parenting yet is happy to take praise when anyone comments how well behaved dd is.

My 18 month old has been ill with a sickness bug the last couple of days and not wanted to be put down so I've carried her around all day besides in the shower and MIL said I'm spoiling her and carrying her won't make her better so I should 'leave her to get over it.' I can't win!

OP posts: