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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

and a cruel mother?

55 replies

ExcitedEmmy · 03/12/2013 13:07

MIL has commented that she thinks I'm cruel to 6 year old dd, based on a few recent situations.

Firstly, dd was climbing on a stool in the shop (the sort they use to stack shelves) I told her she shouldn't be climbing on it and asked that she please get down. She went on to climb back on and fell off. She wasn't hurt or upset, I said: 'that's why you shouldn't be climbing on it' before asking if she was ok. MIL was practically running to pick her up and cuddle her and couldn't believe I'd reprimanded her.

Secondly, I have a spelling test app on my iPad. Dd uses it to practice then when she gets them all right she's allowed to play a game for twenty mins. MIL thinks it's mean to only allow 20 mins screen time per day and to have her do spellings first.

Finally, dd takes ages to wake up in the morning and to get ready. She comes to my room to get ready but will spend ten mins dancing with knickers on her head etc. Every school day she spends 10-15 mins singing on the toilet and it's started making her run late for school. I tried getting her up earlier, changing clocks etc but she just spent longer on toilet. I spoke to her and said she's spending too long singing on the toilet and she said it was only a couple of mins so I timed her then that evening I asked her to sit on a chair for the same llength of time to demonstrate how much time she was wasting in the morning. The next day she was on and off in a minute. MIL said this is cruel and controlling Confused

AIBU and a horrible mother?

OP posts:
CeliaFate · 03/12/2013 13:43

Yanbu. My mum is like this, she's often said I'm cruel when I've calmly and politely asked the dc to stop doing something. She would allow the dc unlimited screen time and chocolate if I let her, which I think is lax and gluttonous, so I keep my mouth shut and smugly think I am right! Xmas Grin

NurseRoscoe · 03/12/2013 13:44

You sound like a brilliant mother! Will be stealing some of those tricks (especially the time wasting one!) as my kids get a bit older!

If my son falls over (he's only 2) I just say 'oh dear' or 'up you get' in a cheerful voice, always have done so now he only cries if he's actually hurt and not for attention, if he's hurt he obviously gets a cuddle etc.

I am very strongly against 'babying' children and whilst I believe in letting them have fun & enjoy their childhood I don't want to protect them from the real world so they are suddenly thrown out there one day with no preparation. They need to learn that things aren't fair sometimes, actions have consequences that don't disappear just because you are a child and that hard work & effort earns rewards - you don't get things for nothing. Your MIL is being unreasonable.

Original poster
ExcitedEmmy · 03/12/2013 13:44

Betty I don't tell her. DH or DD do though. I have had lots of eyebrows raised at my lack of sympathy from injuries I've pre-warned would happen if she didn't stop something, I started thinking maybe MIL is right and I'm cruel.

OP posts:
ConfusedPixie · 03/12/2013 13:46

YANBU. And the toilet idea is genius! !

zzzzz · 03/12/2013 13:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HesterShaw · 03/12/2013 13:47

Of course YANBU. Children are like puppies and need training. Your MIL sounds like a trial.

And your six year old sounds hilarious :o

Dalaimama · 03/12/2013 13:48

Your daughter sounds hilarious (knickers on head) wish I woke up in such good form!

monicalewinski · 03/12/2013 13:48

You made me laugh (actually out loud!) with your pants on head dance and toilet singing - it took me back in time to when my boys were toddlers (8 yr old still insists on toilet singing though!).

You are definitely not UR or cruel, and the timing thing was inspired.

Xmas Grin
WoodBurnerBabe · 03/12/2013 13:49

I also have no sympathy for pre warned injuries, or repeat events. YANBU at all.

Justforlaughs · 03/12/2013 13:51

I did similar to the stool thing myself, when my DD insisted on climbing on the side of the shopping trolley and then cried when it fell on her. Again, she wasn't hurt but she got little sympathy from me - shop assistant got really shirty with me for not making a fuss of her Angry
Might pinch the "time on the chair" thing for DH! Grin
Sounds like your a great Mum! Flowers

MrsGarlic · 03/12/2013 13:51

I share your pain. I've been told I am a cruel mother for not letting my son have juice, and for insisting he is offered rice/vegetables/meat etc before ice cream or biscuits. He is 10 months old! He doesn't need juice!

After the second time (this was my father saying these things) I very firmly told him not to undermine me in front of my son EVER again, because I wasn't going to bring him to visit people who put me down. It took some courage on my part but it worked.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 03/12/2013 13:51

ExcitedEmmy if your MIL has no issues commenting on your parenting skills (and in answer to your original question I don't think that you are (a) unreasonable and (b) a cruel mother) then have no issues whatsoever about pulling her up on her parenting skills.

Or tell her that it isn't any of her business how you are raising your DD. You DH shouldn't be raising his eyebrows at you for lack of sympathy from injuries you have pre-warned about. You could foresee these injuries happening as you have assessed the situation, you know your child and you put 2 and 2 together and got 4. What is wrong in that?

You are not cruel at all.

friday16 · 03/12/2013 13:52

Why isn't your MIL in her own house, rather than hanging around in yours all day?

PPaka · 03/12/2013 13:53

Yanbu
And what's the spelling app!

kmdwestyorks · 03/12/2013 13:54

Based on your MIL's analysis, I'm even more cruel than you.

I bet she would have had a dizzy fit if you'd given DD a round of applause the first time fell of her bike............. Wasn't hurt, laughed and got right back on

sent her to bed without dinner because she only wanted pudding and refused to eat the mains..................Never had that argument again

let her go out covered in chocolate because she refused to clean her face..........The other kids laughed, now she washes her face when asked

Binned a game after she threw another almighty tantrum at loosing said game...............Still working on that one!

Love the toilet trick though, I plan to use that one myself!

Aeroaddict · 03/12/2013 13:54

There is nothing cruel about what you have described there. It all sounds very normal and healthy. I might have to steal the timing, and sitting idea from you for DS.

miffybun73 · 03/12/2013 13:57

YANBU. You sound like a very sensible, good Mum.

Your MIL on the other hand sounds nutso :)

Needadviceandfast · 03/12/2013 13:58

Yanbu at all. You sound very fair to me. MIL should keep her comments to herself.

Original poster
ExcitedEmmy · 03/12/2013 14:06

DH doesn't say it negatively, btw. He told MIL about the spelling test and messing around thing as his nephew who MIL was looking after that week was doing similar things and MIL couldn't stop him. I also do the no pudding/replacement meal rule if dd doesn't eat the meal she was given a choice of and MIL thinks that's practically sadistic :-S

It makes me feel sorry for DSIL as MIL is constantly in her ear about her 6 month old dd - convincing her to give up breastfeeding because DN weighed 8lbs and breastmilk wasn't enough, encouraging her to ignore HV and give DN solids at 10 weeks, leave her to CIO at 8 weeks etc. I have exactly opposite views to MIL which is difficult as if SIL asks me something I give my honestoopinion/experience which MIL always disagrees with on the basis she had more children and therefore knows more Confused

OP posts:
WoTmania · 03/12/2013 14:08

YANBU.
And, seriously, your MIL thinks what you're doing is nasty and practically sadistic and yet advocates letting 8 week olds CIO?!?

CrapBag · 03/12/2013 14:10

She needs a hobby rather than telling other parents how to bring up their children. I think a dismissive "umm hmm" when she comments should make her stop in the end.

As an aside, a 6 month old baby that weighed less than my newborn would be a source of concern actually.

Whentheredredrobingoesbobbobbo · 03/12/2013 14:12

Yanbu at all your mil is being a twerp

What is this spelling app please sounds great

Original poster
ExcitedEmmy · 03/12/2013 14:18

I think it's just called 'spelling test' - baby is asleep on my lap, will check later. You record you saying the word, they type it and it goes green or red depending if right or wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
ExcitedEmmy · 03/12/2013 14:20

Weighed 8lbs at birth, CrapBag, thought that was fairly obvious sorry.

OP posts:
CrapBag · 03/12/2013 14:39

Sorry, wasn't obvious to me. Smile It actually looked like your MIL wanted her to stop BF because she was 6 months old and weighed 8lbs (I was assuming a health problem there tbh).