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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that SIL should get a job?

69 replies

superlambanana · 03/12/2013 12:59

SIL is the youngest of three and the only girl. She did a degree, every aspect of which was funded by DH's parents. She then worked for about a year, then had a 'year out' in which she didn't do much (wrote poems). She decided she wanted to do a masters for a year, which again PIL completely funded (inc. central London accommodation).

She finished in Oct 2012 and hasn't done anything since, except visit friends and write. She isn't earning anything at all, PIL keep giving her money, they bought her a car which she doesn't look after, they pay for its servicing and upkeep. She has a very good, vocational postgraduate degree, is extremely clever, and could probably find work in about two minutes if she tried (which she hasn't - not applied for anything at all).

I know this is up to PIL if they want to keep funding her, and it's not my decision. I would never say anything to them or her even though I'm dying to. It just makes me so angry that she is taking advantage of their very good nature and doesn't show any sign if using the knowledge from the degrees they've spent thousands on, or indeed getting any job at all. I am losing all respect for her. She has a very strong personality and can be very forceful, and tries to tell me I'm doing things wrong, which bugs me even more!

AIBU to think she should get off her bum and start supporting herself? There's no earthly reason why she shouldn't and she's nearly 26!!

OP posts:

LifeofPo · 03/12/2013 13:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gordyslovesheep · 03/12/2013 13:02

jealousy maybe?

NigellasLeftNostril · 03/12/2013 13:04

if she tries to tell you what u are doing wrong tell her to butt out.

Feminine · 03/12/2013 13:05

I think you are envious, but I think that is only natural.

There is nothing you can do, well apart from ignore!

AngelaDaviesHair · 03/12/2013 13:06

Ignore her life choices completely, I would say. But do by all means get her to stop interfering in yours. You may find you care a lot less about her wasting her life once you stop her passing comment on yours (have a SIL a bit like this).

Original poster

superlambanana · 03/12/2013 13:11

LifeOfPo If I rant on here, it stops me ranting in real life

Tbh I'm quite happy with my lot - love my job, am proud of myself for getting it, and having worked and saved with DH to buy our own lovely house. I have no doubt that PIL would do the same for us and for DBIL if we asked but we just don't want to take advantage! (Yes I am on my high horse. No I don't care )

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 03/12/2013 13:13

That's families for you...they're all different.

LouiseAderyn · 03/12/2013 13:15

Their daughter, their money, their business!

The only thing that needs to concern you is when she speaks out of turn to you, at which point you have the right to tell her to butt out.

Does the irony escape you that you resent her interference in your business while starting a thread that interferes with hers?

Original poster

superlambanana · 03/12/2013 13:36

Don't get me wrong, I have no intention of interfering. Entirely up to them what they do, though it's very difficult to bite my tongue when she lives with them and we see them every day (does make it impossible I see them on their own as well). I'm just interested to know if I'm being unreasonable for being annoyed!

OP posts:

Mintyy · 03/12/2013 13:39

Yanbu. I think she should get a job too. I hate seeing grown up children who can't break away from their parents and who rely on them for everything, especially money.

SaucyJack · 03/12/2013 13:40

Absolutely YANBU for being annoyed. She sounds like an arsehole. Maybe if she had a life of her own she wouldn't be so interested in how you live yours.

HECTheHeraldAngelsSing · 03/12/2013 13:43

Her choices are her own and so are her parents. If they want to help her to remain a dependent child all her life, that's up to them.

However, she doesn't have the right to try to control you or order you around and you would be perfectly reasonable to tell her to keep her beak out.

tbh, depending on how obnoxious she was about it, I wouldn't be above telling her that you don't intend to take life advice from someone who relies on mummy and daddy at the grand old age of 26.

HedgehogsRevenge · 03/12/2013 13:53

I would actually feel sorry for her. If she ever does make it out into the real world she'll have zero coping mechanisms. She can't be learning much about who she is/what she wants from life sat at home with her parents. I would also say what HEC said if she tried to give me advice.

Kilimmesoftly · 03/12/2013 14:00

Not really your business.

And besides - not that there needs to be a besides - maybe there is more to this situation than you know?

OneLittleToddleTerror · 03/12/2013 14:08

It's not your business. She's just a SAHD (stay-at-home daughter). Not unlike the Duchess of Cambridge, isn't it? Do you go and tell SAHM to go and get a job? If your ILs are happy to support her, what's the problem?

Mintyy · 03/12/2013 14:13

God, I wish we could ban the retort "it's none of your business" on this forum. Mumsnet would die if we didn't talk about ourselves and other people and our thoughts about them. Its such a stupid, pat answer. Are we not allowed opinions on anything any more?

SoupDragon · 03/12/2013 14:16

Are your judgey pants a little tight?

AbiRoad · 03/12/2013 14:16

I would leave her to it, although if she started commenting on my life in a negative way I woudl definitely tell her to mind her own business and as you do in relation to the decisions she has made in her life.

Original poster

superlambanana · 03/12/2013 14:17

They're not really happy about it either. MIL keeps making excuses for her, saying she's having a 'year out' (from what I don't know) and FIL is not happy with her doing nothing. They get embarrassed when people ask them what she is doing because they believe in hard work and doing your best. But nobody will stand up to her and tell her what they think (except me, and it's not my place to) - they just tentatively mention something and she gives them some airy, dismissive response and that's that.

OP posts:

Original poster

superlambanana · 03/12/2013 14:19

OneLittleToddler I wouldn't dream of telling SAHM to get a job - they have a very legitimate reason! Or people who are ill etc etc.

OP posts:

OneLittleToddleTerror · 03/12/2013 14:21

superlambanana how about housewives with secondary school or university age, or even adult children? A lot of the SAHM never return back to the work place. But I don't see a problem given their husbands are happy to keep them at home. Is that so different from here?

tinkertaylor1 · 03/12/2013 14:23

I have a brother like this (26), he lives with my DGM.

I have ranted and raved about it, but have come to the conclusion to keep my nose out. My DGM is happy he is there and its their business. He works 6 months agency work a year, then takes 6 months off to concentrate on his computer games.... I kid ye not!

He gives me the rage as he is a dosser and we have fallen out many a time after me telling him to sort his life out - ALWAYS which my DGM will take his side! leave them too it.

WilsonFrickett · 03/12/2013 14:25

Well if they're not happy about supporting her they need to tell her so, don't they? And if I were you I wouldn't be smiling and nodding when they had those conversations either, I would be bloody telling them to get her told!

But then I loosen my judgy-pants and remember a heart breaking thread from a mum on here about a DD who had been raped in her first year of college and who's life had basically gone to shit since then and I remind myself that we never really know the full story. I'm not suggesting anything like that has happened. I'm just saying there may be lots of reasons why she still needs to be at home.

expatinscotland · 03/12/2013 14:26

It's really none of your business.

Timetoask · 03/12/2013 14:27

Could she have mental health problems that you are not aware of?
if there is no real reason for this, then her parents are not doing her any favours. What a shame. She is young, she should make the most of her opportunities, it is much more difficult as you get older.

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