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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that SIL should get a job?

69 replies

superlambanana · 03/12/2013 12:59

SIL is the youngest of three and the only girl. She did a degree, every aspect of which was funded by DH's parents. She then worked for about a year, then had a 'year out' in which she didn't do much (wrote poems). She decided she wanted to do a masters for a year, which again PIL completely funded (inc. central London accommodation).

She finished in Oct 2012 and hasn't done anything since, except visit friends and write. She isn't earning anything at all, PIL keep giving her money, they bought her a car which she doesn't look after, they pay for its servicing and upkeep. She has a very good, vocational postgraduate degree, is extremely clever, and could probably find work in about two minutes if she tried (which she hasn't - not applied for anything at all).

I know this is up to PIL if they want to keep funding her, and it's not my decision. I would never say anything to them or her even though I'm dying to. It just makes me so angry that she is taking advantage of their very good nature and doesn't show any sign if using the knowledge from the degrees they've spent thousands on, or indeed getting any job at all. I am losing all respect for her. She has a very strong personality and can be very forceful, and tries to tell me I'm doing things wrong, which bugs me even more!

AIBU to think she should get off her bum and start supporting herself? There's no earthly reason why she shouldn't and she's nearly 26!!

OP posts:

OneLittleToddleTerror · 03/12/2013 15:09

But what on earth does she do all day?

I'd love to not have to worry about money and do whatever I like. Hobbies? Craft? Writing? Baking? Meet up with friends? Participate in the local community? Volunteer?

I actually love working. But I would made my choices very differently if I don't have money worries.

Anniegetyourgun · 03/12/2013 15:16

He works 6 months agency work a year, then takes 6 months off to concentrate on his computer games

cough

Original poster

superlambanana · 03/12/2013 15:24

That's exactly what I mean, OneLittle. And for people who have no money worries because they earned a lot in the past, or they have a rich OH, or an inheritance or whatever, that's different to someone who only has no money worries because they're sponging off their parents. My parents would have given me the shirt off their backs if they thought I needed it, but they gave up so much for me and my brother when we were growing up that I wanted to make them proud and show them they had taught me to be an independent, hardworking, strong person who respected them.

OP posts:

LoonvanBoon · 03/12/2013 16:20

From what you say, super, it doesn't sound like a very healthy family dynamic at all. Maybe your pil are nervous about discussing her future with her because she's so forceful / used to getting her own way: but I don't think they're really helping her - just enabling her to put off making normal adult decisions. Must be awkward for you & your husband.

kotinka · 03/12/2013 16:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

formerbabe · 03/12/2013 16:33

Yeah she probably should get a job, but till she comes to you with the begging bowl, it's none of your business.

womblesofwestminster · 03/12/2013 16:33

OP, why the heck are you letting it bother you?

Are you jealous?

greencatseyes · 03/12/2013 16:38

YABU,

if this was a man being a poet would you say the same??? Plenty of the world's geniuses have had wilderness years like this regrouping and indeed writing/creating in private. Also if she really is doing 'nothing' then there may well be a reason - like depression - that is not your business - or if it is - that you should be supportive of......

Original poster

superlambanana · 03/12/2013 16:40

Because I feel sorry for my PIL even though it's largely their own fault

She hasn't asked us for money but she has asked to (and did) stay with us for a while because she had no job and needed somewhere to live. Obviously we wouldn't have refused, but I was a bit as she had no reason to need to stay in the area we lived at the time, and could quite easily have gone back home. She wasn't working there, or doing anything there in particular, she just liked it better. So she stayed in our spare room for a while and spread her mess over the house. We found all sorts of yukky stuff under the bed when we moved house shortly after she'd gone.

OP posts:

Ephiny · 03/12/2013 16:41

I agree it's none of your business, and there's likely nothing you can do about it anyway.

Getting wound up by other people's life choices is almost always a waste of your time and energy - just put her out of your mind and get on with living your own life.

Original poster

superlambanana · 03/12/2013 16:44

Greencatseyes nothing against the profession at all. I do think it's highly indulgent to do it at someone else's expense, however. Plenty of successful creative people create their work while doing other jobs that aren't what they want to (actors, musicians, writers...). I'd be surprised if many people had the luxury of spending all their time creating without earning (and I do work in arts myself so I know the industry).

OP posts:

Original poster

superlambanana · 03/12/2013 16:45

Ephiny that would be a lot easier if I didn't have to see her nearly every day and be affected by her calling the shots all the time...

OP posts:

givemeaclue · 03/12/2013 16:50

Why do you have to see her every day?

AngelaDaviesHair · 03/12/2013 16:50

Then the real issue is how you can work it so you don't have to dance to her tune when it doesn't suit you to, e.g. over Xmas arrangements. I suppose you have to get your DH to broach things with PIL first, so you can agree before she has had a chance to dictate things (unless you think PIL would backtrack is she disagreed?). Can you see PIL at your house without her more often, or would she just come too?

kotinka · 03/12/2013 16:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thebody · 03/12/2013 16:56

yep she sounds a lazy arse and your pil sound daft but their choice.

however if she interferes with you then point these things out.

I would laugh heartily and say when you start acting like an adult and stop sponging off your parents then I may take you seriously. etc.

womblesofwestminster · 03/12/2013 16:58

superlambanana are you jealous?

ProfondoRosso · 03/12/2013 16:58

YABU to think it's your concern. But YANBU to feel (quietly, secretly) a bit rankled by the inequality of the situation. I'm sure loads of us would love to do what we love all day without ever worrying about money, but most of us can't. And it does seem awfully unfair on PIL.

I went to art school, and I know loads of painters, designers and photographers as a result. But not ONE of them has carried on with their practice without having some kind of additional work to support them. Except those who are now doing well enough to survive on making work and selling it, or those who have received business set-up grants or bursaries (like my friend who's a knitwear designer, another who's a textile designer and my DSis, who's a photographer).

Re: the Duchess of Cambridge. I saw her referred to as a 'Working Mother' on the cover of OK or something like that recently. No disrespect to the woman, but FGS, call a spade a spade.

Ephiny · 03/12/2013 16:59

I see. Yes of course it's a lot harder to ignore someone when you're around them all the time. Actually, I wonder if might be the real problem here. If I had to see my in-laws every day, they'd probably start to wind me up too (same goes for my own parents, siblings etc).

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