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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that SIL should get a job?

69 replies

superlambanana · 03/12/2013 12:59

SIL is the youngest of three and the only girl. She did a degree, every aspect of which was funded by DH's parents. She then worked for about a year, then had a 'year out' in which she didn't do much (wrote poems). She decided she wanted to do a masters for a year, which again PIL completely funded (inc. central London accommodation).

She finished in Oct 2012 and hasn't done anything since, except visit friends and write. She isn't earning anything at all, PIL keep giving her money, they bought her a car which she doesn't look after, they pay for its servicing and upkeep. She has a very good, vocational postgraduate degree, is extremely clever, and could probably find work in about two minutes if she tried (which she hasn't - not applied for anything at all).

I know this is up to PIL if they want to keep funding her, and it's not my decision. I would never say anything to them or her even though I'm dying to. It just makes me so angry that she is taking advantage of their very good nature and doesn't show any sign if using the knowledge from the degrees they've spent thousands on, or indeed getting any job at all. I am losing all respect for her. She has a very strong personality and can be very forceful, and tries to tell me I'm doing things wrong, which bugs me even more!

AIBU to think she should get off her bum and start supporting herself? There's no earthly reason why she shouldn't and she's nearly 26!!

OP posts:

chipshop · 03/12/2013 14:32

I have a few friends like this and it's sad to see.

One is such a lovely person and very intelligent. She's dabbled in jobs but leaves once it gets tough. Her dad pays off her credit card bill, buys her cars, clothes, etc. She's nearly 30, hasn't been working for six months, no idea what career she wants and is living in her parents' mansion. She isn't happy with her life.

I have two other friends, one late 20s and another early 30s, who are clearly never going to leave home. I think they are actually terrified of doing so because they've relied on their parents for so long. Not healthy IMO.

Have you asked SIL or PILs what her plans are out of interest?

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 03/12/2013 14:38

You can hardly compare a sahm to a child that lives at home with no responsibilities and does fuck all.

scarlettsmummy2 · 03/12/2013 14:39

Does she maybe have mental health issues? Would she be unable to sustain employment maybe?

mummytime · 03/12/2013 14:40

Sorry but I think you should butt out.

You don't know that she doesn't have health/mental health issues which she is covering up for. I also have quite a few male friends who have led very alternative lifestyles; with more than one degree and financing themselves through odd jobs/music work. Eventually they have had to choose to settle down and get "proper work" or continue to drift.

OneLittleToddleTerror · 03/12/2013 14:41

Pobblewhohasnotoes what I meant is nobody's business if another person is happy to support him/her to stay at home. If it's on the tax payer's money, it's different.

OneLittleToddleTerror · 03/12/2013 14:42

Or how about people retired early in their 30s or 40s because they made a ton of money? It's really no difference if you think about it. They are people who can afford to not be in paid employment.

Original poster

superlambanana · 03/12/2013 14:43

Yes I've asked mil (very politely, in an interested / enquiring kind of way). She just makes excuses.

SIL was really ill when she was a teenager. She had got over it by the time she was about 19 and has been fine with no symptoms for years, but because of that PIL still pussyfoot around her. I could understand that for a while but it's been seven years and she is now just taking advantage IMO.

My theory is that she knows how clever she is and has built up a reputation for being successful at whatever she tries. She is now, I think, scared of not living up to it so just doesn't try, and therefore carries on with her head in the sand. She is terrified of being seen as not able to cope. (DH agrees with me on this)

OneLittle those situations are different. If someone has worked for years, either in the workplace or bringing children up, and is in a position to not have to go back to work, then that's an entirely different situation to someone who has never started and doesn't have children to bring up or any sort of job and just lives off their parents (who, from what I can gather, aren't badly off but certainly don't have the money to finance her way of life indefinitely).

OP posts:

LoonvanBoon · 03/12/2013 14:43

It sounds like you just don't really like her - & that may well be reasonable, I don't know! Certainly if her "strong personality" affects you, & she keeps giving unsolicited advice, then you need to stand up for yourself & tell her to mind her own business (possibly expressed more politely than that).

As to the question of her parents supporting her - I do think you're being unreasonable to be angry about that, because that part isn't your business. And as other people have pointed out, there may be issues - like depression - of which you're not aware.

I had quite a few friends who lived back at home for a year or two after graduating, while they worked out what to do / got themselves sorted out etc., & they're all fully functioning adults now. It was never an option for me - my mum couldn't have afforded to support me - & I do remember feeling slightly envious that I didn't have that support to fall back on. But I knew it wasn't my business & would never, ever have expressed a view about it. As you've already said you wouldn't dream of saying anything either, I think you're wasting your energy being angry.

MillyRules · 03/12/2013 14:44

The parents may just seem uncomfortable with the situation to you but in reality they are obviously happy with the way things are as is their daughter. If they are all happy then it works for them.

HesterShaw · 03/12/2013 14:45

Do you mean, you would rather they spent the money on you?

Original poster

superlambanana · 03/12/2013 14:46

I must repeat that I'm not 'butting in'! I haven't said anything to SIL and have only made one polite enquiry to PIL. Hence why I'm talking about it on an Internet forum because I can say what I think without it offending anyone I know!

OP posts:

Bowlersarm · 03/12/2013 14:46

What does she do with all the time at her disposal?

OneLittleToddleTerror · 03/12/2013 14:46

I really think you just don't like her, or maybe that you think she's spending your husband's inheritance.

Certainly no one said such a thing about the Duchess of Cambridge. She never worked a day after she graduated from university, and she has the best education money can buy. (Ok she did get an internship somewhere which she couldn't finish).

Bowlersarm · 03/12/2013 14:48

I thought Kate Middleton worked at the family business?

MillyRules · 03/12/2013 14:48

I understand you just having a rant but you are judging the parents and the sister in law on your own standards which is normal BUT at the end of the day you just have to accept that everyone is different and they are all happy with the situation .

Bowlersarm · 03/12/2013 14:50

I suggest you get a hobby

I thought MN was a hobby.

Original poster

superlambanana · 03/12/2013 14:51

Good grief no, Hester! Never even crossed my mind.

Loon I did, but I think I'm losing my respect for her which is affecting that.

She is definitely capable of working. She even knows what she wants to do (degree and masters were very vocational) and keeps vaguely talking about doing the next bit of her training - but she's been vaguely taking about it for a year and a half and not done anything about it. The longer she leaves it the less likely it is she'll get a job in that area, as it's massively competitive and she'll find it hard explaining such huge gaps on her CV.

OP posts:

AngelaDaviesHair · 03/12/2013 14:51

She never worked a day after she graduated from university

She did: the DoC got a job at Jigsaw (ok, mates of her parents, but it was an actual job) but was hounded out of it by paparazzi intrusion. She then worked for her parents for a short while then went to live in Angleseas with Prince William.

Original poster

superlambanana · 03/12/2013 14:53

What Angela said and I don't think I can realistically compare my SIL to a member of the Royal Family...

OP posts:

BrickorCleat · 03/12/2013 14:54

I thought you said she writes.

Or is it your opinion that that's not doing anything?

You can't really be that happy with your lot to care so very much about something which has absolutely noting at all to do with you.

People who are intelligent are allowed to study for the sheer enjoyment of it, not as a means to get a job to stop your lace curtain twitching.

You sound like my SIL.

That's not a compliment.

ZombieMonkeyButler · 03/12/2013 14:54

This is only really your business (well your DH's) if your PILs own lifestyle/needs are suffering in order to fund their daughter.

If PILs can comfortably afford to both live well themselves & fund SIL then there isn't really a problem. It's not the way that you would chose to live your life, but that's not really relevant to anyone else.

Yes, she sounds a bit lazy but maybe there is more to it than you (or even your DH) knows?

UNLESS the PILs one day come to you asking for your opinion of course, they you can feel free to give it.

AngelaDaviesHair · 03/12/2013 14:55

But what on earth does she do all day?

I mean, I'd love not to work for a while, but I think after 6 months unless I had oodles of money to spend on hobbies or travel, I'd be desperately bored. Most people are working or studying, so there can't be that many people for her to hang out with all day.

Or maybe she is secretly your friendly neighbourhood drug dealer, working from home?

Procrastinating · 03/12/2013 14:56

I noticed the writing bit. I would be happy to subsidise one of my children if they had a burning ambition to do something like writing. Not if they weren't seriously committed to it though, and it doesn't sound like she is. So YANBU.

I sympathise OP, I have a sister who has never worked (she is 39) and I'm sure my parents are giving her money. She doesn't have any ambition at all and we have nothing in common. I blame my parents actually, they prop her up and always have. I do not say anything though, it is difficult but I just about manage.

LoonvanBoon · 03/12/2013 14:59

Yes, I agree that the gaps on her CV could be a problem. I wonder why her parents aren't encouraging her to take the next step career-wise, as it does sound as if it would be in her own best interests. Perhaps you've hit the nail on the head with your idea that she's terrified of failing, having been seen as ultra-successful up until now. I always think it's good to get a few failures under your belt as early as possible!

The thing is, if it's some kind of fear that's paralyzing her & keeping her dependent on her parents, she probably is either depressed already or verging on it. So perhaps you should be feeling sorry for her, not angry - not easy if she's irritating in other ways, though.

Original poster

superlambanana · 03/12/2013 15:07

I do feel sorry for her... It's hard, though, when she is so forceful, PIL allow her to dictate what goes on in the house (eg deciding what time we are all eating on Christmas Day, telling her mum she's getting things wrong when cooking), and she's trying to tell DH and I what we should be doing (in general).

Tbh I'd just wish she'd talk to someone about it - there is obviously something stopping her working, and we all want to see her happy. I would quote happily hang up my judgy pants if she would actually tell her parents or brothers or whoever why she's doing what she's doing, because at the moment she's just driving everyone up the wall.

I suppose there is a bit of me that resents she is spending her days doing what DH would love to do, but hasn't as he didn't want to take advantage of his parents!

OP posts:

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