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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think maternity leave does not = housewife and general PA to DH leave?

71 replies

bumpandkind · 03/12/2013 12:46

My husband told me yesterday that if he had a years paternity leave he would use it wisely and sort the house out. Basically he feels I'm not doing enough at home. This is not an 'obviously I'm NBU thread' as I do feel it is my responsibility to do the lions share of house stuff but my main priority is a refluxy 5 month old who wake at least three times a night. I'm exhausted and tend to do bursts of housework with a 8kg Ds in a sling as when he sleeps, I do too. I am not expecting a 50/50 share of duties but for example if he did bath time once in a while I could do a huge amount in that space of time. Also the PA stuff really gets to me. Answer your own letters and bills. Rant over.

OP posts:

Finola1step · 03/12/2013 12:52

Stop doing his mail, bills etc. He's a grown up and you are most definitely not his PA.

Has he spent anytime alone with the baby? For a decent length of time e.g. best part of the weekend inc overnight on his own? Without you doing serious amounts of preparation, list writing beforehand?

It sounds like your DH has no idea how demanding a small baby is. It might be time for you to open his eyes for him.

rockybalboa · 03/12/2013 12:54

Housework is my least favourite bit about maternity leave. As well as spending time with my lovely baby I am also doing tidying, laundry, admin etc and it is dull dull dull. I still had to do all that stuff when I was working but it felt different. Getting a nanny when I go back after DS3 as its more cost effective and she can do the tidying/laundry as it's all child related!

MortifiedAnyFuckerAdams · 03/12/2013 12:54

Maybe DH needs to be left fri-sun 24hrs with the baby and a list of jobs and see how he gets on.

rockybalboa · 03/12/2013 12:55

PS We do have a cleaner though so the house gets properly blitzed once a week which helps a LOT!!! No way I was prepared to give that up but I appreciate its a luxury not everyone can afford esp when on mat leave.

sleepyhead · 03/12/2013 12:56

Dh does housework during the day when he can, but with an into-everything crawling 8 month old, school runs etc it's not nearly as much as he thought he'd get done. Dh's eyes were opened. Oh my word yes

sleepyhead · 03/12/2013 12:57

That makes Absolutely No Sense since I missed the first paragraph off.

It should have read:

"He should talk to my dh who's 8 weeks in to his 6 months paternity leave. That'd put him straight.

Dh does housework during the day when he can, but with an into-everything crawling 8 month old it's not nearly as much as he thought he'd get done. Dh's eyes were opened. Oh my word yes "

flipchart · 03/12/2013 12:58

There has to be a compromise in my opinion.
If you are struggling with the baby then obviously you will be knackered and need more help than if you had a placid one.

However I am baffled when I see posts on MN where people are outraged that a mum with a baby does house stuff while the DH is at work.

If the child is ok and having naps it seems reasonable to me to do house work stuff, after all most of us have washing machines, hoovers etc.
It's not like we are taking clothes to a river and beating rugs.
That way both get downtime.

After all DH was awake a lot of the night with the baby same time I was but then had to be up with the alarm and get to work and do a full day in a demanding job and then come home to help with the bath and bedtime stuff I, on the other hand could snuggle back with the baby, go to sleep when the baby slept. If we had a good sleep we could go out to the gym or the coffee shop or have a nice walk.

If I hadn't prepped any tea because I was tired we would just go out for a meal. Nothing fancy, just an informal place where children could go. If the washing didn't get done, well it got done the next day. Just do what you can.

lottiegarbanzo · 03/12/2013 13:03

Yes, I remember, in my 20s, saying to a friend with a 3mo that maternity leave seemed the perfect opportunity to write a novel. She thought not.

It's easy to see it, from the outside, as extended holiday with a bit of light nappy-changing and giggling with a baby thrown in.

The problem is that your DH is seeing parenthood from the outside.

Get him to do a couple of night shifts. That makes quite an impression on DP and he does pull his weight at other times e.g. Does all weekday bath and bedtimes.

OddFodd · 03/12/2013 13:04

I 3rd the suggestion of going away for the weekend and leaving him with the baby.

SaucyJack · 03/12/2013 13:06

I'll be reasonably nice because I also remember how much of a shock to the system the first baby is.

But c'mon. Life does still go on once you've had a child. It isn't that much of a struggle to bath the baby AND cook dinner in the grand scheme.

My mate does it every day whilst looking after her SIX other kids as well. Now that's fair play.

Yama · 03/12/2013 13:08

We agreed that I shouldn't do any additional housework on maternity leave as dh would get used to it and then find it difficult to adjust when I returned to work.

I would not take kindly to someone organising my time for me.

T100 · 03/12/2013 13:10

Completely agree yanbu

sashh · 03/12/2013 13:11

You are due a weekend away. Go for it.

flipchart · 03/12/2013 13:15

The PA stuff wouldn't bother me unless what he really needed was a full time secretary tbh.
If it was just mundane stuff that could be incorporated while doing something else, then why not. Eg I did my DH's banking (he is self employed) when I was off. Not a big deal, I would go into town for a walk, go to the bank, pay the bills, deposit his takings, have a look round town, shop if I wanted to.
We do things for each other. I do some admin stuff, he fills my car with petrol when I need it. Team work.

Walkinglikeazombie · 03/12/2013 13:41

OP, I don't think YABU, as I'm pretty much in a same boat as you. I've taken a year of mat leave, and all I seem to do is housework, preparing meals, sorting out all post, grocery shopping (mainly online) and look after our 4mo (also refluxy as well as teething) DD. All the work must be done while she is napping as she hates sling after 10 minutes, so I spend good 15 minutes getting her to sleep as she won't self settle and then crack on with work.

I also spend most of my days in house as I have no family here (all abroad), no friends living nearby and I don't drive. Sometimes, I take DD out for a walk in a carrier as she hates her pram but they last no longer that 20 minutes as she gets fed up.

My DH hasn't bathed her once, she is EBF so never fed her and she is so used to me that she pretty much only settles if I'm carrying her or talking to her.

Just few nights ago, I was exhausted and asked him if he could put her to sleep and he got so angry saying he is working long hours in a stressful role (which is true) and when he finally gets home he can't get any rest! I didn't respond, just took our DD and put her to sleep. The next day when he came home, he apologised, realised what he said and sort of turned a new leaf. I still do the majority of the work, but now most of the nights after I have fed DD he takes her and puts her to sleep. It's not much, but means a lot to me.

Sorry to rant on, as well as not offering any advice but at least you know you're not alone.

coffeeandcream · 03/12/2013 13:45

My maternity leave is almost over now.

At the start I had PND so at first I ran around like a loon tidying and polishing the house because that was preferable to being with my baby

Now things are much better and DS is so active and curious, there is very little I can do in terms of serious housework. He sleeps once in the day for 90minutes. I spend an hour max doing general tidying, laundry, making beds. Then I insist on having quiet time to myself to read with a coffee.

Stuff like cleaning floors, kitchens and bathrooms has to wait til the weekend when DH can help.

And your DH is a prat if he thinks you should be his secretary. Nothing wrong with helping out here and there but it sounds like he's trying to be your new employer

mistlethrush · 03/12/2013 13:46

DH used to come home and seem to wonder what I'd done all day when I was on ML... until he had 36 hrs of doing it himself (and didn't manage all the 'normal' things) - I thoroughly recommend it.

flipchart · 03/12/2013 15:53

Where did some of you find your DH's?
Never bath the baby, don't do anything with them.
Blimey DH's dad came home from work and looked after the 4 kids while DH's mum went to work for 'pin money' as she called it. She said she ended to do something to keep her brain alive. DH's dad would be 96 if he was alive now!

My dad worked long shifts and changed nappies, helped mum with the feedsetc. He is now 74. I remember my dad hoovering while my mum cleaned the window sils.

Men helping their families is not a new concept.
However like I said before it is team work so if one is at home longer in the day maybe they should do proportionately more housework so everyone has downtime.

DreamingOfTheMaldives · 03/12/2013 16:32

I think I would slap my DH repeatedly with a wet fish if he moaned I wasn't doing enough round the house while on mat leave.

I would actually love to run the sodding Hoover round the house but DS will not bloody sleep at home during the day and will only nap when I am out driving or pushing him in his pram. We spend a lot of time out and about and I'm bloody knackered. He won't spend any time at home just on his own eg in a bouncy chair and nor will he just be cuddled so I can chill out, he constantly wants to be jiggled or bounced when he is held.

I end up trying to do a quick tidy up when he has gone to bed as well as make bottles, put the washing out, feed myself, give the dog a bit of attention before collapsing into bed.

DH pulls his weight but often works away Monday to Friday so it all falls to me midweek. For that reason on the very odd occasion he stays asleep in his car seat for an hour when we get home, I usually try to have a snooze.

So OP, YA most definitely NBU!

fairylightsatchristmas · 03/12/2013 17:05

but dreaming why can't you hoover when your DS is awake? He won't be held still, he won't be put on a chair, so how about putting him in a sling while you hoover, or actually, just let him moan for the two mins its going to take you to run the hoover round the living room? Ditto making up bottles and food for yourself, putting washing out etc. Have you tried a door bouncer by the way, or an activity centre that they sit in the middle of?
OP, as others have said, it is all about finding a balance. You and your DH need to sit down and work out what is reasonable and what is not and her does need some solo time with the baby beforehand so he can appreciate the issues.

AnneWentworth · 03/12/2013 17:40

Try working as a PA, I am an Exec Assistant and DH has always had me bloody being his secretary!!!

In all seriousness though, he needs to help out a bit more. As others have said a bit of baby time should sort that, although today DH has built a bed with the most active 2 year old in the world at home whereas I manage to just about wash up and cook.

JanePurdy · 03/12/2013 17:49

DP didn't understand what I did all day (cooking, basic tidying, occasional cleaning, admin) & why I wasn't doing the bigger tasks (sorting the loft, DIY etc) until I went back to work full time & he went part time. It's done wonders for both of us.

worriedabout · 03/12/2013 17:53

AnneWentworth - he may have put the bed together but is your house really in tact? And also how is your child this evening?

OP definitely NBU. My view is to just do what you can and what is most important first. If you have time to do other stuff then that is a plus.

firesidechat · 03/12/2013 18:38

However I am baffled when I see posts on MN where people are outraged that a mum with a baby does house stuff while the DH is at work.

If the child is ok and having naps it seems reasonable to me to do house work stuff, after all most of us have washing machines, hoovers etc. It's not like we are taking clothes to a river and beating rugs.
That way both get downtime.

and

Men helping their families is not a new concept.
However like I said before it is team work so if one is at home longer in the day maybe they should do proportionately more housework so everyone has downtime.

I must admit that I feel a little bit like this too, flipchart. I'm honestly not being deliberately provocative, but it wasn't till I started to come on here that I discovered that juggling a baby and housework was seen as mission impossible. Of course there are circumstances such as pnd and ill health that have a big impact on the amount that can be achieved.

However it may be that your husband has excessively high standards and you ANBU. I wouldn't do the admin for a start.

I might have a very distorted view of all this though. We had our children a long time ago, husband worked very long hours and he was almost never home for bedtime. He did help where he could though, although with the babies more than with the housework, which is the way I liked it. Does your husband never do bath time etc?

I've never been able to nap in the day either, so when the baby slept I tended to do housework then.

Actually my reasons for doing the housework were entirely selfish. If I waited for DH to do housework too it would have eaten into our weekends when I preferred to do something more exciting. So I wasn't being some kind of domestic martyr.

firesidechat · 03/12/2013 18:43

Sorry the above post was more a general observation than a reply to the OP.

It took a long time before it was possible to do all the extra jobs around the house such as decorating. I think your husband does indeed have a rosy view of what it is possible to achieve with a young baby. I hope he isn't having a serious go at you because that would put him firmly in the unreasonable category.

What exactly does he mean by "sort the house out"?

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