To think maternity leave does not = housewife and general PA to DH leave?

[bumpandkind]

My husband told me yesterday that if he had a years paternity leave he would use it wisely and sort the house out. Basically he feels I'm not doing enough at home. This is not an 'obviously I'm NBU thread' as I do feel it is my responsibility to do the lions share of house stuff but my main priority is a refluxy 5 month old who wake at least three times a night. I'm exhausted and tend to do bursts of housework with a 8kg Ds in a sling as when he sleeps, I do too. I am not expecting a 50/50 share of duties but for example if he did bath time once in a while I could do a huge amount in that space of time. Also the PA stuff really gets to me. Answer your own letters and bills. Rant over.

puntasticusername What steam mop do you have? I like the sound of your system, as someone who also has an extreme housework aversion. Seriously considering getting one now.

OP - as has been said, get what you can done but don't succumb to the idea that your days are now available to be filled with as much domestic drudgery as is humanly possible. And your DH should certainly have done bathtime at least once by now.

Your DH obviously has no idea what it is like looking after a baby. He obviously thinks maternity leave = holiday. You need to leave him with the baby for a couple of days.

I did use the Baby Bjorn sling with the lumbar strap for the first 18 months as refluxy babies benefit from being carried upright - if you put a child who is really refluxy in a bouncer or on a mat to play they are likely to just howl because the acid will come flooding back up their little throats. The Baby Bjorn chair also has an upright setting which worked for about 5 mins.

But really, reflux babies in pain and discomfort want to be held, comforted and it isn't uncommon for them to want frequent breast feeding sessions during which they sip a bit, nap a bit, repeat for an hour at a time.. Little, frequent sips calm the acid - they can't do big feeds the way other babies can. And as for doing stuff while baby naps - to give you an idea, my DD screamed for 45 mins, napped for 15-20, screamed again for an hour, rinse and repeat five times a day, every day,.and then the night started....and that was 'moderate' reflux.

So, it all depends how bad the reflux is, but seriously, you folks with 'normal' babies have NO idea how draining that is. The good news is its worst around 4 months so the worst of it should be passing by 6-7 months, esp when your little one starts eating, as that will help keep it all down. DM if its grim and you would like some more support OP. I feel for you!

When on ML I did housework during the weekdays. On occasion I left dd to cry for a few minutes once I could see her.

I cooked and cleaned most days. I did not have to do the school run and only went out if I wanted to.

I never rarely napped when dd did.

It depends, doesn't it?

If the baby is awake all night/ill and you are shattered, then the housework can wait.

However, if the baby is quietly sleeping for much of the time and you feel fine, then, really, there's no reason not to tackle the housework/any other chores that arise.

There's no hard and fast answer; you BOTH do what you can when you are fit to do it (and this may include being a P.A. on occasion).

I don't understand why you'd think it should be any other way, really.

I mean are you going to just sit there when baby is peacefully sleeping and well, chores done, and you are feeling fine and ignore a pressing piece of mail that needs immediate attention out of principle or something? .

I was on maternity leave for 9 months.

As far as my DH and I were concerned the childcare was my 'job' during the days he was working, same as if I'd been at work. When he was home everything was 50/50. This meant I got to take her to lots of baby groups, swimming etc which we both felt was important for DD and me.

I did do a little bit more housework when he was at home and looking after our DD. I did all the night waking though which were a lot! as I didn't have to get up at a set time the next day or do much driving etc.

She was quite high needs though.

Why don't you take an hour each weekend an sort a room at a time. That way house gets sorted and its easier for you to keep on top of it. Most rooms could be sorted by 2 adults in an hour.

We have four Dc. Twice a year they go overnight to Dm and Dmil (2 to each) and whole house gets blitzed by me and Dh. Including recycling and charity shop no longer needed stuff and a cleaner booked to clean.

Job done and everyones happy!

I'm a little late in response FairyLightsAtChristmas - I'd never have thought of just letting him have a little moan while I got things done

Unfortunately DS doesn't have a 'little moan,' he screams blue murder! He goes from content to screaming like someone is killing him at the flick of a switch. hence why I am spending a lot of time out and about because driving or pushing him in the pram are the only times I can be sure he won't be crying

Sling doesn't work either - we've used one when walking the dog. He usually stops crying by the time I'm on my way back home.

Unfortunately I appear to have been at the back of the queue when it comes to content babies and instead I got one with an incredibly short fuse!

Ps he's too young to use door bouncer etc yet, I'm looking forward to when he can and praying that he won't scream whilst he is in it

My first dd was a refluxy baby. I didn't realise how easy babies could be until I had my second child and I think that your DH and many people on here haven't got a clue. I found life easier once I went back to work.

Anyway, I wouldn't be my DH's PA whether or not I had the time whilst on maternity leave. In my experience, if you start doing that kind of thing during your maternity leave you can end up doing it for the rest of your marriage.

Thanks everyone, really glad I posted .

I spoke to DH who has agreed to do a bath time once a week and will cook most evening meals. He admitted his comment was out of order and apologised.

I'm now scared about my back with the sling. I'm using a By Kay wrap. Is that OK?

It's really reassuring that so many other Mnetters have babies who do not settle easily. It can feel like theres something wrong with yours when all the others seem to fall asleep on the mats at the end of play groups!

A few posters seem to have got the wrong end of the stick. I do feel I should be doing more housework than DH but not all of it and I certainly do not want to be called up on its standards by him!

One more thing.... I love all the suggestions to leave DH with Ds for a weekend but he is EBF and refuses expressed stuff. Once weaning starts I will try to get away.

Why can't he do bath time? Why should you be doing that as well? My DH comes home and does bath and bed as its the only time he gets to spend with DS.

Being a dad isn't just about the fun stuff.

When he gets in he want to relax with a beer and a smoke and sadly he get in at bath time time and refluxy baby does not like to be kept waiting at this time in the evening!

All our friends with babies have Daddy bath time so I am a bit but DH is a bit moody if he doesn't get that immediate down time when he gets in.

Well that's nice but do you have down time too?

Not much tbh but sometimes he will take him for a long walk and I sleep alone in the house, bliss! I'm painting him in a bad light but to be fair he does cook for me and when Ds is asleep at the beginning of the evening I get some me time ( if he settles).

Once a week? Wow, he's magnamimous. Does he work outside the home 6 days a week then?

Bumpandkind - your child is 5 months old. Do you think that when you stop EBF'ing that your DH is suddenly going to magically step up and do some of the care? The pattern of behaviour you set now is going to continue indefinitely, probably through a second child and even if you return to work you will probably still be responsible for bath and bedtimes and provision of the meals. Have a think about where you want to be in 6 months time, especially if you are returning to work outside the home and are considering another child.
By all means have him skip bathtime especially if a beer and a smoke take priority, but will he get your DC up and give your DC breakfast before he goes to work when weaning starts for example?

bump sorry for the delay in replying on the sling point, I've only just checked back in. Your By Kay wrap is not one I've come across before but I've just had a look and as it's a wrap it will be holding your little one in the right position. It's the "crotch dangler" slings which can be bad for you/the baby. Andharry's link is a good summary.

Oscar makes very good points. And as well as not setting a bad pattern, it's important for your DH to do day to day care at 5 months because it will only get harder if he suddenly starts to try to do things with no practice once you've stopped breastfeeding. Changing my DD at 5 months wasn't too hard. Changing her now at 11 months can be like wrestling a pooey octopus some days as she wants to flip over/climb off the changing table/do anything but be changed. My DH finds it harder than me sometimes because he doesn't do it all day every day, but he can do it because he changes her a lot when he is home. To be honest, taking a baby for a walk is nice as it gives you a break, but it's probably the easiest part of childcare (for a baby who likes the pram)...

I find it a bit sad that your DH would rather have a smoke and a beer as his downtime when he gets in. My DH immediately wants to cuddle and play with DD when he gets in from work. When work is stressful, seeing her when he gets in IS his downtime. And to my mind the commute home is part of downtime. Time to yourself to read/listen to music/have your own thoughts. By the time he gets home I've been on shift from at least 6am - 6pm if not longer. Always longer than his working day!

I was going to post saying that your DH was BU, and adding my 2 cents, but everything I was going to say has been covered! I just wanted to add that I use to sling wrap, much like the moby, for DD2 who is also refluxy/colicky. Very comfy for wearing for a long time, and safe for her. As for the expressed milk refusal, have you checked how your expressed milk tastes? It's worth checking in case it's an issue with lipase making it taste off. If so you can scold it before storing to solve it.