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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I should be able to buy presents for my own family?

51 replies

Mimishimi · 02/12/2013 22:52

This hasn't become a huge issue as yet but this year it has started to annoy me. My youngest brother married my SIL almost ten years ago. They had their first child about three years ago after trying for at least five. They now have two. Since DN's were born, she has rung up without fail about a month before Christmas and asked if "we can make Christmas all about the kids "and just buy presents for them (we have two). She rings up everyone to tell them this rather than just asking. I actually have no problems if she personally doesn't want to get a gift for the adults but my gripe is a) I've often done my Christmas shopping by then anyway and b)I actually do enjoy giving gifts to my brothers and parents, especially one brother who has no children but who always gives really lovely, thoughtful gifts especially to our kids. I suppose I could suck it up and just give them out later but I enjoy our family tradition of handing them out from under the tree after the dinner. SIL was a bit weirdly competitive when she first joined out family but has mostly mellowed out in that respect, especially after having my nephew and niece. I do like her but am feeling she's not really being fair about this and it's not really her place. I am 100% certain my brother doesn't ring her family up (large Italian family) and tell them who they can and can't give gifts to. AIBU?

OP posts:

SantanaLopez · 02/12/2013 22:54

Dunno really. It gets horrendously expensive buying for all the adults and maybe they just can't afford to reciprocate.

AdoraBell · 02/12/2013 22:55

If you want To give gifts and don't expect/want a gift in return then just give them gifts and tell them it's because you like giving rather than recieving gifts.

Famzilla · 02/12/2013 22:57

Maybe she can't afford to get everyone in your family a gift? She's not stopping you from giving any other family member a gift, just trying to say that she can't. I feel sorry for her really, I doubt very much she's doing it to control you or whatever you think is really going on.

ICameOnTheJitney · 02/12/2013 23:01

We only buy for siblings who haven't got DC....why would anyone need to enjoy buying for adult siblings? It mostly IS all about the kids....I get that you like giving...but she's not able to afford it maybe?

Original poster

Mimishimi · 02/12/2013 23:02

Adora: I did that the first year she started asking this because I'd already bought my gifts and she got a bit stroppy and sniffed loudly "I thought we'd all agreed just to buy for the kids". I'd misunderstood her and thought she meant that only they would be buying for the children. It was very uncomfortable.

I'd be very happy with several jars of her nonna's pickled eggplants. Not into competitive gift giving at all.

OP posts:

Damnautocorrect · 02/12/2013 23:02

I think not giving your childless bro a present is a bit rude if he's expected (by sil) to be buying for the kids. The parents are the same situation really. Maybe just keep it between your two families as 'just kids' but the rest you do what you blooming like

If you want to decide a precedence another suggestion is a house total, so £50 a house and then it's split however you want within that house. If that makes sense.

hoppinghare · 02/12/2013 23:03

I think it's fair enough for her to say that you and your dh shouldn't buy for her and your brother as they may not want to spend the money on you and your husband. But she cannot tell you not to get presents for anybody else. Nobody can tell you that you can't get your own mum and dad presens at Christmas. How rude? And you should definitely get your other brother. If he doesn't have any kids does she just expect him to buy all the kids in the family presents and not get a week present for Christmas himself?

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 02/12/2013 23:06

I can see what you are saying - she is controlling the whole family and your gift giving traditions & it isn't 'her place'.

Why not get in first and speak to your parents and brothers etc - say you want to go back to how things were before but if this particular SIL doesn't want to buy for everyone else that's fine - but why should you all stop doing something you don't want to stop doing because of one person.

zipzap · 02/12/2013 23:06

Just tell her what you've said here - that you've already bought your presents for everyone this year, that you love handing out presents to your family and if she doesn't want to do that then fine, but you want to carry on your family traditions, etc etc. I'd definitely be pointing out that you don't want your parents or brother to miss out.

And anyway, if your parents are there too - then surely you count as one of the kids

Original poster

Mimishimi · 02/12/2013 23:07

Sorry, I wasn't clear enough in the OP. She's not asking if they can just buy gifts for the children - she's asking all of us, extended family, including grandparents, aunties etc not to buy gifts for each other. It would not be a problem at all if she just said they would be buying only for the kids.

OP posts:

wontletmesignin · 02/12/2013 23:08

My sister done this every year also.
I completely understood as i struggled myself.

My sister didnt feel right, and felt an incredible amount of guilt if a present was bought for her, and she didnt hand a gift ovr.

She couldnt affors to buy gifts for all, and she really, really didnt want any bought for her.
I stopped buying for her as i knew she spent christmas feeling guilty and i didnt want that

bluesbaby · 02/12/2013 23:08

Sounds like she just means for her and her husband because they can't afford to reciprocate? Nothing to say you can't give to anyone else you want to, like your other brothers and sisters, and mum and dad

MortifiedAnyFuckerAdams · 02/12/2013 23:08

Ooh I prefer buying for the adults. There are two children in my family, one of which is my own. I get great pleasure in pickibg put things for my parents, in laws and siblings. There being only one other child, if I didnt buy for her mum (abiding by the only buying childless couples rule), itd be pretty mean.

I dont ever exoect any gifts in return and wouldnt care a jot if someone didnt give me something, however it is nice to be given something someone has seen and thought id like, even a nice pair of primark pjs (best ever) or a pair of fluffy socks.

If she wants to.only buy for the kids, fine, but I wouldnt want anyone telling me that I cant buy a gift for.my folks or for.my uncle etc.

Bogeyface · 02/12/2013 23:08

Maybe just keep it between your two families as 'just kids'
This

Why should your lovely brother miss out because he doesnt have children? Agree with her that your 2 families will do kids only and leave it at that. You dont need her permission to buy gifts for your parents and brother, thats between you and them. If she gets sniffy then thats her issue, and I say this as someone who is doing a real Super Scrimpers Xmas! I dont begrudge the fact that my sister can afford to spend far more on my family and our parents that I can spend on hers and our parents. Thats life, surely?

And no, it isnt all about the children!

BrianTheMole · 02/12/2013 23:09

We do this. Buy for the kids, and for the family that doesn't have kids, buy for them. Its too expensive otherwise.

SantanaLopez · 02/12/2013 23:09

From your 3rd post, YANBU!

AngelaDaviesHair · 02/12/2013 23:11

Bollocks. You only buy for her kids, you don't expect a present from her, fine. The rest is emphatically not her business.

HaveAstarterANDaPudding · 02/12/2013 23:12

I have 6 siblings who all have children but I do not.
We do the 'just buy for the kids' thing and I love buying for my nieces and nephews but every year DH and I sit with our gifts for each other and nothing else and I picture 6 houses all opening 6 sets of pressies and I admit I have a little twinge of the old 'it's not fairs', but I've never had the balls to say "Hey - what about us?" because I know I'm being stupid.
This year the whole family are getting together and I think I will get as much pleasure from watching all the little ones opening and enjoying their gifts. I hope .
I would love it if one of my siblings stood up to the SiL who dictates this and said they'd like to buy for their family.

LessMissAbs · 02/12/2013 23:13

She is like my SIL, who wants to impose secret santa on the family. Its the interference with the traditions of a larger number of people by one bossy person that I find irks the most. Resist. Its fun!

zipzap · 02/12/2013 23:13

x-posted with lots of these posts.

definitely get in there first and tell her that everybody is giving gifts to everyone if they want to - just because she might not want to, that's fine. But she certainly can't tell the rest of you not to exchange gifts is you want to!

And if she suggests it or strops about it later by saying 'I thought we'd decided yadda yadda' then just say that no, she'd suggested it but you'd said that she could do what she wanted but you were giving gifts to everyone.

I bet she is giving gifts to her own parents and/or siblings (assuming they are still alive and in contact)...

I also reckon that she is just being lazy and doesn't want to have to go out shopping for a load of extra gifts for people that aren't her immediate family so she isn't comfortable knowing what they'd really like. plus she wants everybody to buy more gifts for her kids so that you can all spend all your time watching how wonderful her kids are and how wonderfully they play with their presents - why would you all want to waste precious time exchanging gifts of your own when you could be watching in awe her dc playing with their new gifts

BrianTheMole · 02/12/2013 23:13

she's asking all of us, extended family, including grandparents, aunties etc not to buy gifts for each other.

Sorry totally misunderstood your post. Of course YANBU. Tell her now that you will be carrying on as you please. Its nowt to do with her.

wontletmesignin · 02/12/2013 23:15

Oh..so she is trying to control everybody over christmas - telling everyone who can and cant give a gift. Hmm yanbu

What a way to make a family feel uncomfortable over christmas.

SaggyOldClothCatPuss · 02/12/2013 23:17

I was coming onto this thread to say YABU. We are the lowest earners in our huge family, and asked for reciprocal presents for kids or childless relatives only. If a family member didn't stick to this and bought us presents as well, not only would we feel bad, but it would put added pressure on us for the next year.
HOWEVER, reading your 3rd post, I don't think you are BU. What others buy for each other is irrelevant!

foreverondiet · 02/12/2013 23:24

I do this. I hate commercialism. Also because I hate my relations wasting money on stuff I don't want.

However would buy for adults who don't have kids, eg buy for my PIL and parents as their children all grown up. Bought for SIL and BIL before they had kids as thought it a bit unfair to say only buy for my kids, and then they would buy for my kids and get nothing.

However I couldn't care less what others in the family do, I just was saying I won't buy for adults, don't buy for me. Luckily everyone else felt the same, but I wouldn't care if say DH's 2 sisters gave to each other.

Retroformica · 03/12/2013 00:13

Can you ask for the adults to do a secret Santa next year? Adults can create s wish list.

Alternatively you can tell your SIL and aunts etc that you plan to buy adult Xmas gifts as you really enjoy it.

Lastly you could tell her that you plan to but for kids and if a family has no kids, but for the adults instead.

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