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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I should be able to buy presents for my own family?

51 replies

Mimishimi · 02/12/2013 22:52

This hasn't become a huge issue as yet but this year it has started to annoy me. My youngest brother married my SIL almost ten years ago. They had their first child about three years ago after trying for at least five. They now have two. Since DN's were born, she has rung up without fail about a month before Christmas and asked if "we can make Christmas all about the kids "and just buy presents for them (we have two). She rings up everyone to tell them this rather than just asking. I actually have no problems if she personally doesn't want to get a gift for the adults but my gripe is a) I've often done my Christmas shopping by then anyway and b)I actually do enjoy giving gifts to my brothers and parents, especially one brother who has no children but who always gives really lovely, thoughtful gifts especially to our kids. I suppose I could suck it up and just give them out later but I enjoy our family tradition of handing them out from under the tree after the dinner. SIL was a bit weirdly competitive when she first joined out family but has mostly mellowed out in that respect, especially after having my nephew and niece. I do like her but am feeling she's not really being fair about this and it's not really her place. I am 100% certain my brother doesn't ring her family up (large Italian family) and tell them who they can and can't give gifts to. AIBU?

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 03/12/2013 00:56

Retro why should she?

If she agrees to "just kids" with the SIL then thats fine. What the OP chooses to do with her parents, brother etc is nothing to do with the SIL. OP doesnt need her permission to buy gifts for her family.

Original poster

Mimishimi · 03/12/2013 01:54

My SIL is not necessarily consciously trying to be controlling. I do think she thinks she's doing us all a favour for suggesting it ( less people for us all to buy for) and she made the sniffy comment when there was a present from us to my parents - I'm fairly sure I did just buy for nephew that year anyway(his first Xmas) and not my brother and her. I might have given them something homemade (like jams or chutneys), nothing bought. I feel she should not be feeling bad if we buy presents for my other family members and I don't think I should have to sneakily give them on Boxing Day , couple of days after etc. When I get a gift for someone it's usually because I've passed by something during the year and thought "Oooh X would like that" then I keep it in the linen press for the year, there's no big showy splurge from any of us.

OP posts:

CSIJanner · 03/12/2013 02:14

YANBU - just keep to buying for the children for both your families, but she can not and should not dictate who else you buy for. You should say what I said the first year a family member suggested this to me - "thanks but too late for this year as the family have bought all the presents already" TBH she's left v late for the suggestion.

If its aside comments every year for the last five years, has anyone mentioned something to her or has your brother said anything? Not saying you should now, but maybe say something after Christmas so everyone knows and agrees for next year.

lunar1 · 03/12/2013 02:27

She sounds like hard work! I'd have to be honest and tell her it's none of her business what the rest of the family do.

FixItUpChappie · 03/12/2013 03:12

I don't think she is right to dictate what you do, but I think I can see where she is coming from. Even if it shouldn't be it is awkward to be given gifts when you haven't reciprocated. Its probably similar when your watching gifts being given out to people you yourself haven't bought for.

My family has been doing the same type of Christmas giving from when we were kids. Everyone buying stocking stuffers, large gift, smaller gifts - OMG it is so OTT now that we are all adults with spouses and I have 2 children. I requested that we stop doing stockings or just do our own immediate families (I'd do my DH's and kids, my brother can do his wife's etc) and further requested that we just do one gift for each person from this point on.

I suppose that could be seen as dictating but I simply cannot go on buying this many Christmas gifts. If they all show up this year and go nuts for each other I suppose I would feel a bit of pressure to keep up or whatever the term is....but I wouldn't say anything. I've said my peace - one gift for each from my family here on out.

All that said, of course it is entirely up to you what you buy and who for naturally. Your SIL should state what she and your brother need and are doing, then leave everyone else to sort out their own presents.

MidniteScribbler · 03/12/2013 03:45

"That's fine, we'll just do presents for the kids between yourself and us. However, I'll still be buying for the rest of the family."

"But..."

"No, we have always enjoyed exchanging gifts and see no need to change that tradition."

"But."

"No.." Repeat as necessary.

ChubbyKitty · 03/12/2013 04:01

Yanbu. My aunt tried to do this with my dads side of the family every year since she married my uncle. Needless to say it hasn't stuck. My parents particularly enjoyed the fact that their kids are actually kids - under 10, whereas my parents kid is a grown woman. We're waiting for the year I become the too old kid to get a present

perfectstorm · 03/12/2013 05:55

she made the sniffy comment when there was a present from us to my parents

That is quite staggeringly rude. YANBU and she is being extraordinarily so.

maddening · 03/12/2013 07:22

I would do a gift for their whole family - eg zoo membership etc and something oittle for the dc to open.

You should give your other family gifts as you want to (am assuming she is only referring to gifts to her abd your db?)

maddening · 03/12/2013 07:26

Sorry read on - ahe ibu to dictate present giving between the rest of the family

WooWooOwl · 03/12/2013 07:56

I think she's a cheeky cow tbh. She's got no right to try and tell other people who they should and shouldn't buy for. If she wants to opt put of presents then that's up to her, but it's an enjoyable thing for a lot of people and it's horrible for someone to try and get rid of it.

I'd call her and tell her that you've already bought presents and you will be giving them. It will be awkward, but better now than on Christmas Day.

Peekingduck · 03/12/2013 08:09

It's fine for her to suggest that between your two families you only buy for the children. You may want to buy for your brother, but probably need to accept that he is aware of this and maybe they need to limit how much they spend. However, I would be completely up front with her and tell her that while you're quite happy to do this, you will be buying for the rest of the family. That's none of her business.

HuglessDouglas · 03/12/2013 09:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

flowery · 03/12/2013 09:08

Why blame it all on her? Have you actually spoken to your brother about it? Do you have any reason to believe they haven't discussed it between them and he isn't in agreement with her?

He should be the one ringing his side of the family rather than her doing it imo, but it sounds as though she might be turning into the scapegoat for their joint decision?

Justforlaughs · 03/12/2013 09:19

I don't think YABU to want to buy presents for anyone you want to, although I don't think you should buy for DB and DSil if they request that.

However, I am a bit about this bit of your post Since DN's were born, she has rung up without fail about a month before Christmas and asked if "we can make Christmas all about the kids "and just buy presents for them (we have two). She rings up everyone to tell them this rather than just asking. I actually have no problems if she personally doesn't want to get a gift for the adults but my gripe is a) I've often done my Christmas shopping by then anyway If she does it every year then why is a surprise and why haven't you spoken to her about it before now?

Every family has different dynamics and my family is no different. We buy for each others children and our parents. We buy for childless DSil and also Aunts and Cousin who live alone (and I buy for my DSis and she buys for me, just because we want to) and if we see something/ know someone would just love something we buy that as well. No real rules, no offence taken.

TheGreatWizardQuiQuaeQuod · 03/12/2013 09:32

Well, she has no actual authority, does she? Why not just say to her no, sorry, I won't be doing that. I am happy to not receive gifts from you, that's fine honestly. If you don't want me to buy you a gift, that's fine too, but you will not tell me that I may not buy a gift for my parents or siblings.

Sometimes you have to be very direct.

Or just ignore her and buy for whoever you like and if she says anything, say, I wanted to buy them a gift.

babywipesaremagic · 03/12/2013 09:33

Your SIL sounds a bit dull. There is nothing to say you have to spend a fortune on each present. Even only spending a few pounds you could get a token gift, a small box of chocs, cheap party games that you could all enjoy together. It sounds like she just can't be bothered. Just talk to your own family and decide what you all want to do and let you db know, he can pass on the message if she is likely to have a strop.

SlimJiminy · 03/12/2013 09:43

I don't have a problem with the "all about the kids" thing, but I would still buy my childless brother a gift. The kids-only thing wouldn't apply to my parents either. It's a couples + kids thing, not a family-wide blanket rule. In fact, I would be mightily peeved if someone felt like it was their place to tell me whether I could buy gifts for my parents or brother. Definitely not her place. Tell her you've already bought their gifts but you'll do kids only with her.

Nanny0gg · 03/12/2013 09:46

Just tell her that you're happy to follow her request for her family, but otherwise everyone else will continue to do what they've always done.

Okay?

IShallCallYouSquishy · 03/12/2013 09:56

YANBU!

With my IL's we have the arrangement that we only buy for children. This means when we all meet at FIL's on Boxing Day we have gifts for DNephew, DSNephew (cash/iTunes as per 15 year old boy request!), and SIL and BIL have a gift for our DD. FIL and his partner also give the kids pressies. We don't give to IL adults at all and vice versa. This was instigated by SIL a few years ago after we did a £10 on adults limit and all thought it was ridiculous as you were just buying a pressie for the sake of it. However we ALL agreed. We will do gifts for kids until they are 18 so will all even up in the end as we have DC2 due in 12 weeks.

DH and I have the only DC on my side of family so we still exchange adult gifts however it's only between my parents and sister and us. They also buy for DD.

DeWe · 03/12/2013 10:16

Dh's family has one of those sil's!

She has managed to dictate the rest of them into doing secret santa (me and dh refused) even though I know the other two siblings would rather not, and I suspect fil would prefer not (I think mil finds it easier so isn't too bothered)
One of the first years they were married (not the first but two or three in) she sent out to everyone (unasked) their Christmas list. All the presents were about 3x what everyone spent on each other (including them on others). The list was ignored and she hasn't done it since though. I think others may have been more vocal than just ignoring it.

At least your sil is letting you know (albeit a bit late). We had three years of giving birthday presents before dh made a comment about expecting a good one as they'd forgotten for three years. As they accepted their present he handed over they just said "oh we decided back then we wouldn't give birthday presents to adults any more"... but hadn't said anything until dh brought it up. Oh yes, and two years later we got sil phoning up to ask dh to pay £50 in for an "experience day" for his 40th birthday. "Because the 40th is special". No they hadn't got any present (or even a card) for dh's the previous year.

I would send a group email out to all the siblings and say "I have decided that this year I would like to give to the adults in the family. If you wish not to give me a present, then please don't feel you have to give one back. I love to give presents and have really missed feeling unable to give in previous years". Before she starts her phoning.

BrandybuckCurdlesnoot · 03/12/2013 10:17

Just speak to her. Tell her you don't expect presents for the adults in your family but you will be buying for the adults you want to buy for.

Why are your family going along with this every year?

I have a big family and we cannot afford to buy for everyone anymore. It was stressing me out and spoiling the run up to Christmas for me. The person suggesting £50 a family, that's great if you can afford it, but we have 9 families to buy for! That would take up more than our Christmas budget.

So we have done what your sister does and explained we're only buying for the kids and direct family, ie. parents.

If someone had said "well we want to buy for you" I would have been fine as long as they were aware we couldn't afford to buy for them in advance.

Thankfully everyone has agreed because they felt the same way. Christmas with big families gets too expensive for some.

OpalTourmaline · 03/12/2013 10:29

Yes, just say that you will agree not to buy for adults in her family, but will continue to buy for other adults in the family as you have always done.

Original poster

Mimishimi · 03/12/2013 10:34

Thanks all. Some good suggestions. I have to admit that I wasn't exactly surprised this year. She hasn't been doing this the entire ten years they've been married, only the past three since their first child. She never suggested it when we were the only ones with children They were quite happy to get gifts from us then. Fairly sure it's not coming from my brother because she makes all the phonecalls and leaves messages like "Hi Mimishimi, I'm just calling to see what we are all going to be doing about Christmas this year". Everyone gets that call. Which leads straight to this conversation and the dinner as an afterthought. I will give presents to other family members regardless but maybe I should just let them know in advance that I already had them so they don't feel embarrassed?

I do understand about the costs involved but honestly we've never gone overboard except once (bought my Dad a nice telescope).

OP posts:

flowery · 03/12/2013 11:06

It may not be directly coming from your brother but really is there any reason to think he doesn't know/doesn't agree?

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