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Original poster

To feel this way?!

91 replies

Berzingaa · 02/12/2013 19:46

I know I am, I feel I am yet I can't help but feel annoyed when my partner tells my LO off sad hmm We've been together 4/5 months and he's around my LO every day always playing with him. My LO loves him! Don't get me wrong I do to. We've moved fast but that's how I want it and I've never felt this way about anyone

Like today we went to Argos to pick his PS4 up whilst we where there LO being 18 months old and being just woken up was wanting to be held as soon as the woman comes over to him he's like "you can hold him" we'd been in the store 2 minutes and all he had to do was stand there and answer question. After 10 minutes LO gets a tad restless as he like to run around and he can't. I sit him on the side and every time he makes a sound or goes to touch something he just looks at me with that old "why can't he keep still and be quite" look.

Lo was touching the little charity pots on the side (the ones that have the slot in and are chained round the chip and pin machines) and he starts going "don't touch that" or "Stop" he's 18 months old he's not robbing them literally just touching them and putting the tip of a pencil in there and taking it back out again. He accidently knocked it off the side and my partner caught it so he looks at me with that look again and goes "see what happens when you let him play with things."

So I'm there trying to hold his arms away from anything he may find remotely interesting and keep him quite, which is VERY hard with my LO.

We get home and he starts all over again because LO is touching the box to his PS4 and the controller?!?! Seriously it's new he's excited he's not exactly going to pick it up and chuck it out the window is he!

I've been a Lone Parent since I found out I was pregnant and with my LO everyone always follows my orders down to the 'T' when it comes to my parenting but I seriously can't help but feel annoyed if someone else tells him off and I don't know why. If he's done something wrong believe me I'll come down on him and he will give you a kiss and a hug for a sorry.

How long did it take you all to get use to your partner telling your children off?

OP posts:
Original poster
Berzingaa · 02/12/2013 21:15

Icame How do you know someone has the same parenting styles as you if they don't have children? I suppose because I always use to as a kid pick them up, rattle them I've never really seen an issue (right or wrong) However I was always told off for playing with the pens on string in the banks by my mum. I personally could see myself being with him for a rather long time whether others view differently I don't mind.

Heartbroken I never said that I thought it makes myself a better parent. If you feel I have than I can only apologise that It came across that way. I'm not going to judge if you do or not. Simply because I don't know you as a person or a parent. I just don't like leaving my LO as I said that's my personal choice

I'm not forcing him to "play daddy" the option for him to leave if he can't accept my LO is plenty clear enough. My child only new a mother up until that and that was more than "good enough" for my LO

OP posts:
Original poster
Berzingaa · 02/12/2013 21:17

Icame From what I gather he's stroppy because he told LO not to touch something and a child because he got a PS4 (he's 23, no children)

OP posts:
KerwhizzedMyElf · 02/12/2013 21:17

I don't really think you care about my opinion but yes that's what I'd do. Friendship is different to a relationship. I might get on well amazingly with a man and then find as a partner it doesn't quite click or we have different ideas of what works. So I would want enough time in a relationship to get to know him as a partner before introducing him to my child. That way if we don't click as partners say six months in, my child hasn't been affected and doesn't need to lose someone who she may have developed a relationship with. If after say a year or more, I feel he's the one or whatever, then they would slowly meet. It might still fall apart after that point and she would still lose someone she likes but by taking the extra time to get to know him myself, I'd be weeding out the ones that definitely won't work. Like relationships with man children.

pictish · 02/12/2013 21:19

You'll be fine OP - the fact that he doesn't live with you yet means that you can still take things slow and steady while you all get used to each other. It's not a disaster yet by any means.
Like I say, talk to him...really talk. Tell him what's on your mind without being confrontational...and you never know...he might just listen. x

Heartbrokenmum73 · 02/12/2013 21:19

Erm, no, I don't think he's a child because he's got a PS4. I've got a 3DS and a Wii. The difference is I don't get touchy when the kids touch the consoles, or the remotes, or the packaging they came in.

As, apparently, your boyfriend did, OP. Or are you now changing what you said in your original post? You used the PS4 as an example of your boyfriend getting touchy.

Original poster
Berzingaa · 02/12/2013 21:20

Pictish Thank you

OP posts:
ICameOnTheJitney · 02/12/2013 21:22

Berzinga The way you know what their parenting style is, is through discussion. BEFORE entering a relationship...you say you've known him for a year....what should have happened is as soon as a relationship came on the cards, is a discussion....about how to deal with parenting. You needed to have made it clear to him that he is not to tell your child off...in which case, as that is not at ALL fair to him, you should not have introduced him to your child.

Whether you did so at a later date or not, it would have protected you all from the current situation. Which is a clash of parenting styles. As your partner he is spending time with you and your son as a sort of family unit...therefore it's unfair to deny him ANY say...you need to talk again and make a plan....or end it.

bialystockandbloom · 02/12/2013 21:22

If you think this new boyfriend is really going to be a potential stepfather for your dc in the long term, then you need to set boundaries now with him about what is and isn't acceptable. If he is for the long-term then yes, at some point you will have to accept that he will be a parent to your child, which includes disciplining the dc if he/she needs it. But the form of that discipline has to be on your terms as it's your child.

If you just let a really, really new boyfriend (which he is) go ahead and discipline your dc in a way which you don't like you have to say so. You're the child's parent, not him. Stand up to him. If you let him speak to your child in a way which makes you uncomfortable after only a few months it will not get better unless you put your foot down now and set out the terms to him.

It does sound like he is not really ready to step into an instant role as father, esp to a child who is not his.

Only1scoop · 02/12/2013 21:24

Heart I think I see what you are meaning. There is a difference between the bf not wanting the child to knock over charity pots(etc etc) and vocalising that. Then Getting irritated/ stroppy when he messed with his Psp etc just makes him just sound immature.

ICameOnTheJitney · 02/12/2013 21:24

Heartbrokenmummy where did the OP say he got touchy about the child touching the consoles? Confused I never saw that....he got tetchy about him touching the charity box.

ICameOnTheJitney · 02/12/2013 21:25

Scoop he is only 23 though...that is young...he has no kids yet. The OP maybe needs someone older.

Original poster
Berzingaa · 02/12/2013 21:26

Heartbroken No I'm not changing that at all :). I also have a Wii and a laptop that my LO knocks around, accidently steps on etc. I've learned to live with it. At first don't get my wrong I was annoyed when LO kept pushing it over but I got over that, he now stands on my Wii fit board and we play with the remote's. However having living with him all the time I know that,.

Would I get annoyed if another child came in and started playing with it no, but I know via having a child that things are going to get broken by accident, they're going to get touched, moved etc and that's life.

However my partner doesn't have children doing that to him (bar my LO) whom he lives with etc, I assume having nobody touch your stuff for however many years and then suddenly little fingers occasional touch stuff may get some getting use to?

OP posts:
monicalewinski · 02/12/2013 21:26

Ok OP, advice:

Stop allowing your child to form an emotional attachment to your relatively new boyfriend.

It is different 'knowing' someone for a year, to being in a relationship with someone for a year - at least after a period of forming a proper relationship with a new partner you will have a better idea of whether there is a true future in it.

Only then should you begin to introduce your child to your partner, so that they get to know each other and then emotional attachment can naturally form.

For your current situation, have a proper talk with your boyfriend about how you think you may be rushing things a bit with regards to your son and him - be honest and explain to him why you are a bit put off. Ask him to slow things down, and stop staying over - suggest a proper 'courtship'.

If you are determined to stay in the status quo, then you need to talk to your bf regardless, to let him know that you don't want him to discipline your son.

I suspect this isn't the advice you wanted though.

JanineStHubbins · 02/12/2013 21:26

We get home and he starts all over again because LO is touching the box to his PS4 and the controller?!?!

There, ICame

Heartbrokenmum73 · 02/12/2013 21:26

We get home and he starts all over again because LO is touching the box to his PS4 and the controller?!?! Seriously it's new he's excited he's not exactly going to pick it up and chuck it out the window is he!

From the first post. I didn't dream it, honestly!

BlackholesAndRevelations · 02/12/2013 21:27

Just a little thing... You were asleep while your son was screaming at 3.30 am? I'm not surprised your boyfriend woke you up. Did you expressly tell him how you deal with night wakings? Because if not, I can see why a young bloke with no parenting experience would let him get up.

Sounds like you need to have a very Frank discussion about parenting if you reckon you have a future together.

Heartbrokenmum73 · 02/12/2013 21:28

Hang on, OP, you were the one who was saying it was a problem, not me. I'm saying that I think it makes him a bit childish to behave that way and that it indicates (to me, anyway) that he's not really 'into' your child the way you think he is.

Original poster
Berzingaa · 02/12/2013 21:30

Thank you all for your advice etc

I do need to speak to him about it and make it clear. How would you go about this? I don't want to go in there guns a blazing saying you annoy me when you tell LO off, you can't do that etc etc

How would you go about this now?

OP posts:
ICameOnTheJitney · 02/12/2013 21:30

Well God...he has my sympathy as I was just like that at his age! A bit precious....and why should a toddler touch his expensive new kit?!

It doesn't sound like he's ready to enter into a relationship with a woman who has a child though. OP I really would reconsider....it's up to you of course but how do you see your future with him?

Maybe you'd have more fun with him if you stopped mixing with him and your child together but rather had nights out etc....just for fun and not any future plans?

ICameOnTheJitney · 02/12/2013 21:32

Just seen your last post. I would talk to him about it as soon as I had decided what I want from the relationship. If you're not sure, then you need to get that straight in your mind...can you see yourself with him in the future?

If you CAN, then you need to ask him if he could possibly try to chill out a bit regarding the small things that toddlers do...because it stresses you to hear him nagging your son about little things.

ErrorError · 02/12/2013 21:32

OP is getting a hard time here and I'm not sure why. I didn't detect neediness for a man. I agree that it sounds like this man is not ready to play Dad, especially if he's inexperienced around children. I think the OP needs to have a talk with him about what she expects and doesn't expect from him in terms of discipline. I don't think the child did anything wrong for their age and the boyfriend overreacted, but if he is to be a permanent figure in the child's life, there needs to be an open dialogue about how to handle discipline and how much a part (if any) the boyfriend should have in it.

I wonder if some of the posters would have responded the way they did if she said she was in her 30s. Still, he does sound like he's got some growing up to do, but I don't suspect OP is putting him before her child, it's harsh to imply that. I know someone who got serious very quickly with a man when her child was young. They got married and are very happy. I don't think timescale is the issue here, it's whether or not the relationship is the right fit for you both (meaning OP, and her child.)

waltermittymissus · 02/12/2013 21:35

OP you're not making this easy for him, or you.

On the one hand you don't want him disciplining your ds. On the other, you complain that he sometimes refers to him as "your son".

You can't have it both ways IYSWIM.

I won't comment on the speed of your relationship I will just say that you need to decide exactly what you want before you talk to him.

If you want him as a "father figure" then that will entail some sort of discipline.

However, I think that should be a long, long way off. Right now, you need to seperate the two.

It's only been a few months, put your ds to bed and have evening dates. Don't push for too much too soon.

They shouldn't be spending that much time with each other until you and he have formed a proper, solid relationship.

Original poster
Berzingaa · 02/12/2013 21:35

BlackHoles Yes I did tell him that, LO will only do it for say 5-10 minutes and will be sound asleep he only does it every so often however If you leave him he'll go to sleep, let him run round then he gets up again thinking it's play time. He woke me up because it was "annoying" him.

Heartbroken Telling an 18 month old off for touching a box is idiotic

How would you see/date somebody without leaving your LO's

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 02/12/2013 21:36

You say in you Op "lo loves him it's moved fast but that's the way I want it"
It sure is moving fast but you seem happy with that.
Personally dc having such a strong bond with a new boyfriend seems quite worrying. You don't know if its a long term relationship yet.... What was the rush....

Heartbrokenmum73 · 02/12/2013 21:40

How would you see/date somebody without leaving your LO's

Everything else aside, this is near impossible to do, I think. Why are you so reluctant to leave your son? I can't remember whether you have anyone to have him for you occasionally, but if so, why not?

It's good for children to spend time with other people apart from their parents. As I said, mine have been spending time with family and friends since they were little, sometimes so I could have time to myself and other times so I could spend individual time with them.

I don't think you can realistically 'date' as such without leaving your child. Unless you want all your dates to be in your house while your child is asleep.