Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To be having a bit of a breakdown! Please help me.

80 replies

grapelovingweirdo · 02/12/2013 19:22

Sounds dramatic but it's true!

Anyone familiar with my posts will know that I have posted about my DP a few times.

I have always wanted to live and work in a certain city. Since I was in my teens, the industry I work in is very centred around this city as well.

I'm working in the same field but in a town about two hours away. Recently I applied for a job in this big city and I have just received a very nice offer.

The problem is, my DP says that we would have to split up if I went, even though I have said i will be home every weekend and will give it a trial.

I love him so much, even through all the hurt. I don't want to lose him. I also know I will hate myself if I don't go for it.

I have always not done things because of boyfriends and its time I did something for me.

My mum says I'm being selfish but all my friends who know my DP are saying the opposite.

I can't stop crying. What the hell am I going to do?!!!

OP posts:

TheCatThatSmiled · 03/12/2013 02:46

Congratulations! You have done so well.
And never, ever let anyone hold you back from your dreams.

If he loved you, really cared about your happiness he would not be trying to control you with this emotional blackmail.

How much are you prepared to give up for this man?
And what will he give you in return? Bar empty promises and a pat on the head?

poppycock6 · 03/12/2013 03:12

Go! Listen to the other posters. If he loved you enough he wouldn't try and hold you back. He's trying to blackmail you into not going. Don't let him! x

SecretLimonadeDrinker · 03/12/2013 05:20

Firstly, congratulations on your dream job.

Secondly, it sounds like he is not the one, he doesn't support your dreams and happiness and you deserve someone who does.

Please take the job, follow your dreams!

Morloth · 03/12/2013 05:42

No kids? Not married?

GO.

LovesBeingHereAgain · 03/12/2013 05:48

You must go. Do not let him hold you back.

Isn't it interesting tgat in both of his examples he dumps you, not things don't work out or you drift apart.

I think you would regret not going more than you will ever regret giving up your dream. Now is the time to make tgat big decision tgat will alter the rest of your life, grab it.

Mumstheword1976 · 03/12/2013 05:48

Go!!! He is jealous end of. And scared you will stop coming back eventually. Please dont let him hold you back from your dream.

claraschu · 03/12/2013 05:48

Go and make a life for yourself. Relationships can survive distances which are much longer than this. If you are truly committed, your relationship will end up stronger than ever, but it sounds like he is not truly committed. It is better to find that out now than after you have children.

tiredoldmum · 03/12/2013 06:27

I read your other thread. Bin him. New job, new year, new life!

You deserve so much better than this married, selfish turd.

comingintomyown · 03/12/2013 07:59

Skipped reading all the replies as from your OP alone you should 100% go dream jobs in a good city near to friends do not grow on trees !

Original poster

grapelovingweirdo · 03/12/2013 08:29

Thanks so much for all of your replies. I am definitely going to do it. I'm wondering if I can commute for the first month and see how it feels, it might be okay. Obviously if that doesn't work out then I will look for somewhere to live in the city.

Boyfriend didn't even sleep in the same bed as me last night. I phoned my closest friend last night and he didn't want to speak to me when I was off the phone. Wouldn't cuddle, or even look at me. That hurt. He told me to leave him alone.

He's gone to work and didn't even say goodbye, normally we make sure the other one is up in time.

OP posts:

Kerosene · 03/12/2013 08:30

No kids, no marriage, no future with an arsehole who sounds controlling and abusive. Take the job! You'll feel more secure in yourself, if you're the one controlling your future rather than being dictated to by him, and there are many guys in the big city who aren't complete tosspots.

Good luck with the move and getting yourself settled in a new city! I've done it myself and it was a hell of a faff, but I'm so glad I did it

AnandaTimeIn · 03/12/2013 08:32

I agree with everyone else. Go for it!

Do you want to spend your life with a man who holds you back from following your dreams?

What if you do split up down the line, you will regret it forever if you don't do this.

Job satisfaction is a major boost to living a happy life.....

Kerosene · 03/12/2013 08:33

Crosspost - I'd just move. I've done two-hour commutes each way and it's expensive and tiring, particularly if you're coming home to Mr Grumpy-pants. Do any of your friends have a sofa you could crash on while you're looking for a flat?

Chlorinella · 03/12/2013 08:41

Dump him and follow your dream job .
He sounds nasty and selfish .

GiveItYourBestFucker · 03/12/2013 08:45

Don't commute. If it's your dream city you should be living in it. It doesn't sound like any compromise will work for him, so I wouldn't bother harming your social life and your ability to commit to this new opportunity.

SlimJiminy · 03/12/2013 08:47

Go for it! And don't look back :-)
Good luck!

quietbatperson · 03/12/2013 08:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

longtallsally2 · 03/12/2013 09:07

He's scared. He sees you becoming stronger and is trying to control you. Grown ups in healthy relationships don't do that. They celebrate each other's successes and work together to make the most of what life brings.

Take the job and be looking for accommodation nearer the job. Don't plan to do it from home. He will resent watching you become stronger and seek to undermine you.

If you do it, and become strong, then he might, just might realise what a twat he has been and see that he should move heaven and earth - or at least get a train - to be with this strong successful woman who would be prepared to be with him at weekends. However, from what others have said this sounds as if it will all be too threatening to him.

You are not choosing between your security and your dream job. You are building a new security in a new city based on your success. If he wants to share that and be with you, you could make it work. If not, enjoy your friends, enjoy your new job and find someone who wants to be with the real you.

BarbarianMum · 03/12/2013 09:14

Right. So you are going to take this great opportunity, then add a long commute just so you can make it home for another helping of cold-shouldering, emotional abuse and sulking.

That'll be fun.

Please get a place in the city you'll be working in - a room in a shared flat - anything, then go home at weekends if you want to.

Preciousbane · 03/12/2013 09:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

inadreamworld · 03/12/2013 09:23

I have just read that you have no children and assume you are not married to him as you call him DP not DH. In which case I think you should move to the city and pursue your dream and good luck! My advice would be different if you had children together.

Hopasholic · 03/12/2013 09:26

From the sounds of it the thing he's going to miss the most is the CONTROL he has over you rather than missing you as a person.

Please don't waste anymore time with this abusive man. Take this as your chance to get out, be free and live your life.

Honestly a loving partner would be looking at ways to make this move work. They really would, can you see that?

Call his bluff. Take control, tell him you're sorry he feels that way but obviously it's over. Do it!

Well done and good luck!

TwoLeftSocks · 03/12/2013 09:43

I agree, you should go for it.

If he loves you, he'll help make it work. It's two hours away, not two countries away (though I know a couple who make that work too).

Sulking, threatening to dump you, emotionally blackmailing you so he can have you around him all the time at the expense of you following your dreams... not good.

If you do try commuting for a month, be prepared for him to put obstacles in the way and make it generally difficult.

TheCatThatSmiled · 03/12/2013 09:52

so - rather than sit down a discuss how this can work out, he is withdrawing affection to make you do what he wants? Thats not very loving is it?

I get that he doesn't want to move far away from his kids. But that is his responsibility. Not yours.

Why do you have to sacrifice your dreams for his wants? Long term, what are you getting from this relationship?

If hes not willing to discuss a 2 hour commute so that you can further your career, I can't see him being very supportive if you ever did have kids together.

PatriciaHolm · 03/12/2013 09:57

Go. Don't commute - you'll be dog tired within a few days and that won't help in a new job. Plus your partner will do all he can to make it hard for you and make you feel guilty.

Move; this man does not deserve you, he doesn't even love you, you are essentially another possession to be ordered about.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread