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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be having a bit of a breakdown! Please help me.

80 replies

grapelovingweirdo · 02/12/2013 19:22

Sounds dramatic but it's true!

Anyone familiar with my posts will know that I have posted about my DP a few times.

I have always wanted to live and work in a certain city. Since I was in my teens, the industry I work in is very centred around this city as well.

I'm working in the same field but in a town about two hours away. Recently I applied for a job in this big city and I have just received a very nice offer.

The problem is, my DP says that we would have to split up if I went, even though I have said i will be home every weekend and will give it a trial.

I love him so much, even through all the hurt. I don't want to lose him. I also know I will hate myself if I don't go for it.

I have always not done things because of boyfriends and its time I did something for me.

My mum says I'm being selfish but all my friends who know my DP are saying the opposite.

I can't stop crying. What the hell am I going to do?!!!

OP posts:
Bourjois · 02/12/2013 19:56

I once had a boyfriend who worked 5 mins away from my flat in Chiswick. I wanted to move to share a house with my friend which was right at the end of the Northern Line. My boyfriend said that he would dump me if I moved. So I cried. Then I moved anyway. And it was surprising the times he moved his arse to come and see me. As other people have said, you will regret it if you don't do it. Your DP is portable, you've said that this job isn't.

Take the job and move. And pack Kleenex. And be glad of the support network of your friends who will be down the road to give you more Kleenex and some fun.

Nanny0gg · 02/12/2013 20:01

Just checked back over a couple of your threads (to jog my memory) and they are hugely relevant here.

If I was your mum I wouldn't be telling you that you were selfish, I would be kidnapping you to get away from this man!

He's too old, he's too controlling, he's abusive (mentally at least) and he's still married!!

Go and live your dream, listen to your friends and get away.

ImperialBlether · 02/12/2013 20:05

Oh I'm so glad you have this job offer! I remember your other thread and was really shocked by your twat of a boyfriend. I was shuddering while reading about him.

Pack your bags and get away from him as fast as you can.

By the way, what happened just a couple of weeks ago when you were ready to dump him? Why didn't you go through with it? Just wondering if you could identify it so that you could be prepared this time.

woodlandwanderwoman · 02/12/2013 21:07

Sorry I misread your op and realise you're not married. Shouldn't make a diff if it's the right relationship to stay for but sounds like it's not that great. Good luck xx

RandomMess · 02/12/2013 21:12

Sound like he's just bothered he won't have anyone on tap to have sex with and help run the house!

Original poster
grapelovingweirdo · 02/12/2013 21:15

Thanks so much for your replies. I know I'm being a bit melodramatic when saying about a breakdown so I apologise for that. I have had a breakdown in the past as well and am starting to recognise some of the signs of what happened last time.

I can't eat, sleep and can't go more than a couple of hours without crying. I wish I'd never applied for the job but it's so what I want to do.

DP says that if I went, he would either dump me because its too hard or he would dump me because he would realise he was better off on his own.

I'm so torn between my need for security and my dreams. This is killing me. I'm autistic as well, which hasn't affected my adult life very much, but the childhood scars are still there.

I am over sharing, sorry Hmm

OP posts:
SparklyNewNameChange · 02/12/2013 21:19

Re read your last post. With open eyes. He is an utter FUCKWIT. He is cruel and callous. This job will give you both financial security and your dreams, you said so in your opening post. He will give you neither, and indeed is giving you the start of a breakdown. GET OUT NOW! Take the job and RUN!

Nanny0gg · 02/12/2013 21:23

You are not over-sharing.

He has/is taking advantage of you.

Take the job.

pianodoodle · 02/12/2013 21:30

DP says that if I went, he would either dump me because its too hard or he would dump me because he would realise he was better off on his own

I was going to say you should go before I read this bit, but now I'd say lose him even if you weren't moving away!

Hissy · 02/12/2013 21:40

If anyone ever threatened to dump me if I did x or y... that'd be it

I've made mistakes in this area before, and learnt my lesson.

Trust me. Dump his arse. He's manipulating you.

For his own gain.

PoppettyPing · 02/12/2013 21:41

I've read your other threads too.

For the love of all that is holy, take the job.

Your boyfriend sounds frightening. Life is too precious to waste on someone like him.

RandomMess · 02/12/2013 21:41

~OMG he is so so so nasty.

He is a millstone around your neck, run to your freedom and the opportunities of meeting someone worth a hundred of him!

ImperialBlether · 02/12/2013 21:41

I'd tell him he was dumped, pack my bags and go to that lovely city and live near your friends.

Honestly, OP, to an outsider it's so obvious what you should do!

OvaryAction · 02/12/2013 21:41

OP he is abusing you.

Have a look at the freedom programme I think it would really help you.

WireCatGlitteryBaubles · 02/12/2013 21:42

Go. He's being an arsehole.

Congratulations on the job x

monicalewinski · 02/12/2013 21:43

Take the job, don't dwell on it.

If it's meant to be, it will be - if he doesn't make the effort too, then he's not as emotionally invested in the relationship as you are and for that reason he's not worth it.

I had a similar thing when I was in my early 20s, applied for a complete career change - my fiancé said "it's the stupidest idea you've ever come up with, it'll never work out"; that made my decision and I left and never looked back. To be fair, he made a huge effort and supported me in the end, but I never forgot that comment and we split up eventually (on good terms and are still friends now though).

When I had been with my (now) husband for only 6 months, he got posted to somewhere that I knew would make a relationship very hard so I finished with him as I didn't want to stutter to an end - he made a 'mercy-dash to the midlands' to come and talk me round and I realised how daft I was being, 13 years on we are married with kids.

For those reasons I truly believe that if it's meant to be - it will be. You will grow to resent him if you let him stop you from trying, you will always wonder "what if?"

Go for it!

monicalewinski · 02/12/2013 21:50

Have just read your other threads - definitely go for the job. xx

Bourjois · 02/12/2013 22:44

OP, to repeat what I said earlier - my ex threatened to dump me when I wanted to move, thereby making his life inconvenient.

Anyone who pulls this stunt has NO RESPECT for you. I wasted a further 9 years of my life with this arse of a man and his control, manipulation and fuckwittage just got worse. Once he knew that I was definitely going to leave him, he faked a breakdown and threatened to kill himself. I knew it was fake as he was quivering and trembling each time the doctor came on a call-out, but as soon as the doctor left then EXP disappeared off to the pub, right as rain.

Seriously, go. If you mean ANYTHING to him, then he will make time to keep in touch. If he doesn't, then you're better off without him.

This was how I decided that life was better on my own:

a) how do I feel when twatface is around?
b) how does twatface make me feel?
c) how do I feel when twatface isn't around?

It was easy, really, in the end.

And now I'm happily married to a wonderful man with a lovely DS and so you see, things can be OK you know.

Ajaney · 02/12/2013 23:28

Take this chance. You owe it to yourself. If your DP really loved you, he would be supporting you, not using emotional blackmail.

Do it for YOU!

NoSquirrels · 02/12/2013 23:35

TAKE THE JOB!

You don't need that man. At all.

SquirtedPerfumeUpNoseInBoots · 02/12/2013 23:36

Go.
Congratulations!

FurryDogMother · 02/12/2013 23:41

Yeah, go and don't look back. Don't try to tear yourself in half rushing back home all the time - grab your opportunity with both hands and do what's right for YOU!

Phalenopsis · 03/12/2013 00:05

I remember you OP. I think you're the poster whose partner will only train to be a teacher in a certain location and will not accept that you need and want to basically move to where the best jobs are. From memory, he has threatened you with splitting up if you move away and don't stick by his side.
The comments that I made on your other thread still stand: if he wants to behave like a selfish immature arse then let him. By being so stubborn and clingy he is actually cutting off his nose to spite his face not only by risking losing his girlfriend but also by pinning all his hopes on getting in to his choice of college. If it all goes tits up as it did for a friend of mine, HE is going to have to relocate.

You are young and bright and should not under any circumstances have to put up with this emotional blackmail. If he really loved you then he'd be supportive of your ambitions and would understand that a long distance relationship is not the end of the world. He would be telling you to go for it not attempting to tie a rope around your feet. That is not what good men do. Don't give him any more thought. This relationship has run its course in my opinion.

Retroformica · 03/12/2013 00:05

I think he is being selfish. If he loves you, truly loves you, he will want you to be happy. It's quite common for partners to be away with work midweek. Why is he unable to bend a little? Why is he so j flexible?

Phalenopsis · 03/12/2013 00:08

Oh and congratulations!