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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off at my future in-laws?

64 replies

SlightlySquiffy · 02/12/2013 17:41

I think this is going to be long so I apologise in advance, but basically, my fiancé and I are buying our first flat and have very generously been given a nearly 5 figure sum by his parents to help us out. We are very very grateful for this as it will almost cover the stamp duty and we wouldn't be able to consider the flats we are without it (or we would, but would have less deposit and a higher LTV as a result).

The problem is that a couple of weeks ago we were staying with fiancé's brother and SiL and they we're bragging about their 70% equity in their home. The reason for this, we found out, is because their parents gave the bother and SiL an almost 6 figure sum to purchase their house. There were other circumstances which is why they would have needed that amount, none of which apply anymore.

Logically I know it's none of my business as it's not my family and my job is to support my future husband, but I'm still very annoyed about it as the SiL is the sort to throw a tantrum over the smallest thing and I KNOW if the situations were reversed she would be demanding we have an equity release so they could have their share. That is absolutely not what I want, but I am heartbroken as we have decided that we won't be able to start a family a soon as we wanted because of financial reasons. I'm annoyed at his parents for making that decision in the first place and for the compromised position we will potentially be placed in in the future, in terms of inheritance. Not to mention my fiancé is feeling 'punished' (for lack of a better word) because he has a better paying, white-collar job in the City, and I find it upsetting that he feels his brother is the davourite.

I am coming from the position of everything always been given equally amongst my siblings and me turning down many offers of financial help from my parents because I knew my siblings weren't offered the same and I didn't want things to be unfair.

I know I most likely am being unreasonable so please tell me to stop being a money-grubbing banshee, but the favouritism is really bothering me (for example we have had no offer of help for our wedding (nor do we want it) but in-laws will be paying for BiL and SiL's accommodation for our wedding? Hmm)

Am I being as unreasonable as I think I am or are my illogical upset feelings over the matter even slightly justified?

OP posts:
BrownSauceSandwich · 02/12/2013 17:56

Oh my god, I think you really need to mind your own business here. It sounds like your husband to be probably needs less help than his brother, so the favouritism angle is a bit lame. Anyway as it's his parents money to do with as they choose, you need to forget all thoughts of "our share"/"their share", and just be grateful if they offer you anything.

Tabliope · 02/12/2013 17:59

YANBU. Totally unfair. Not that you should expect a 6 figure sum but both should have had the same and the PILs should have thought of that when they helped the first brother. It only leads to discontent treating kids differently to this extent. It's not the money. Different if one child needs more and by this I mean if they're unable to work for whatever reason.

Gossipyfishwife · 02/12/2013 18:01

Yabu

You are pissed off at your in laws because they only gave you a 5 figure sum of money?

Ye gods.

MrsMoon76 · 02/12/2013 18:06

Its not fair but tbh it's none of your business and its not their fault that you cannot afford to start a family yet. I would step back from it. its not your business.

And btw my husband is similar in that his brother is given constant handouts - it doesn't matter. We live our own lives and are beholden to no one.

tinmug · 02/12/2013 18:07

I think if I were in your position, I would want to sit down with my DH and propose that we jointly take the decision to stop accepting any financial help, at all, from his parents. As long as you are in the running for financial help from them, this issue is going to exist and you are going to be wondering how much BIL & SIL have received, comparing it to what you've been given, fretting over the "fairness" of it, etc etc etc.
You are both adults. It would appear that you earn enough to support yourselves, so you don't need money from your in-laws. The current set-up puts them in a position of power and control over you (I don't mean deliberately - just that that is the result of the current situation) and by declining offers of financial help you will be eradicating that.

Joysmum · 02/12/2013 18:08

Omg how different we are.

I spent much of my early married life feeling like a sponger because my in laws gave us a start in life. By 'us' I mean hubby and I just happened to benefit from it but it wasn't because of who I was. It took years to finally accept and be happy without guilt for how I'd benefitted.

You're not coming across as a pleasant person at all I'm afraid.

wispywoo1 · 02/12/2013 18:08

I don't think YABU... my DF is treated in the same way and his sister receives a lot more, usually because she asks for more and he won't ask. We bought a house around the time his sister did, she got £5000+ some. DR got zilch. She claims it was an advance on her 'wedding fund' yet their Dad has said he doesn't want it back. We are now engaged and there is no mention of a wedding fund. But I'm happy with the fact that we can say everything we have has been earnt by ourselves.

HappyMummyOfOne · 02/12/2013 18:09

YABVU, you were very happy to take their money until you found out SIL got more. Did you turn it down initially saying it wasnt fair to take it unless they had been helped too, somehow i doubt it.

How about acting like an adut and paying for your own home, wedding and child rather than moaning you cant have everything now. You sound spoilt.

bakingaddict · 02/12/2013 18:10

I do wonder why parents do this. Its not the money so much but the feeling that a bigger sum given to one and not the other when the same circumstances arrive leads to the conclusion that there is preferential treatment.

If I ever have 100k to give to my children it will be 50k each regardless of their individual financial situation

Balaboosta · 02/12/2013 18:13

This isn't going to go down well...

WilsonFrickett · 02/12/2013 18:16

Personally I think things should be equal for siblings.

However, this family obviously does not. So essentially, that's how they operate and it's nothing to do with you. Circumstances have also changed mightily for very many people recently - perhaps they now can't afford to give what they gave before but perhaps they planned to at that time?

(eg sell shares for DB1. But now it's time to do the same for DB2 their shares are worth significantly less?)

As I said, I wouldn't operate this way, but they do so there's really very little you can do about it except count your blessings and your measly five figure sum

Original poster
SlightlySquiffy · 02/12/2013 18:16

I thought I was. Thanks for the comments and reality check. As I said, I'm extremely grateful for the help we are getting, I am just an upset for my fiancé as he is really bothered/upset by the matter. I'm more pissed off at them for upsetting him, it's very little to do with the finances. I will just continue to support him but keep schtum on the matter.

OP posts:
Fuem · 02/12/2013 18:17

I feel it's up to his parents what they do with their money. My parents have helped us all out from time to time, in very small ways compared to what you talking about and I wouldn't dream of say he/she got more than me. My parents would prob tell me to mind my wn business!

Cherriesarered · 02/12/2013 18:18

I have been given a 5 figure LOAN to buy my house. My sister has had nothing, my brother is still living rent free at 30 years old.

It doesn't matter, none of it matters. It is THEIR money to do with what they WANT TO and give it TO WHOM THEY WANT for the REASONS they want because they WORKED for it!

You could be divorced and a single parent before they've even had their first SAGA cruise so stop being a child and grow up.

IThoughtThat · 02/12/2013 18:22

YANBU to be frustrated about this but it won't get you anywhere other than a lifetime of upset and dissapointment. If I were you I would try and distance myself from any of the family drama and go for the smoke and nod technique. Let your husband deal with them. Count any money you get from them as a pleasant bonus.

You won't get anywhere by getting pissed off with them.

Xfirefly · 02/12/2013 18:22

yes I agree that its not right when siblings are not treated fairly but you really should be grateful for what you've been given me it 5 figure.. 6 figure..whatever. our parents never gave anything to us as they couldn't afford it. we paid for our house on our own. please try not to get bitter over this.

Cherriesarered · 02/12/2013 18:23

I'm not harsh really, just been with my husband 20 years and am accepting of this sort of thing. We had a similar thing with my in laws, despite his father earning a lot over the years, he will have no inheritance as his father decided to re marry a much younger person and he is leaving everything to her children (which aren't his) and nothing at all to my husband, his own son. He has made him the executor as well yet is giving him nothing. But it is his life so it's up to him.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 02/12/2013 18:26

How long ago was that gift to BIL and wife? Perhaps PILs have seen investments and savings dip.

Maybe much later on your BIL will take in aged PILs or a surviving parent if he and SIL have room. There could be any arrangement or condition laid down explicit or hidden.

For my DCs I hope DH & I will be even-handed. Bequests and money so often cause trouble because of secret or ill-considered schemes.

MollyWhuppie · 02/12/2013 18:28

I agree that maybe their circumstances have changed and can no longer afford to give you both the same amounts of money.

It's not really fair but hey that's life!

Owllady · 02/12/2013 18:29

they don't have to give any of you anything
never look a gift horse in the mouth

HesterShaw · 02/12/2013 18:36

It happens, that's life.

My SIL was spoilt rotten by her parents (car, credit card at university, deposit for house), whereas my DH received nothing like that. Nothing we can do.

Actually I'm glad because it means she has to go on holiday with them and we don't.

Look at it like that. If they give you tons of money, you will be beholden to them.

Pinupgirl · 02/12/2013 18:42

cherries-I believe their is a law that means you cannot legally disinherit your dcs? So your dh could challenge the will if he wished too. I would tell his dad to go fuck himself with being the executor too.

Yanbu op-it isn't fair but it happens a lot in families. Inlaws gave us the deposit for our house-a couple of thousand. But it is the only time they have ever helped us. They have given bil and his family far more over the years but in dribs and drabs. Cest la vie!

WhenSarahAndStuckUpTheChimney · 02/12/2013 18:44

YABU.

They are doing a nice thing for their son and for you.

Perhaps they had hoped to give him the same as his brother but now find that they can't as financially things have changed for them since they gave the sum to your fiancés brother.

They don't have to give you anything. And what they do give doesn't have to be equal.

They have NOT compromised your financial future with regards to inheritance.

It's not inheritance yet. Not your inheritance, or your DH's inheritance, or his brothers inheritance. It belongs to your PILs and at the moment it isn't inheritance at all, it's just their money, that they have earned and saved and invested.

You shouldn't be earmarking any of it as inheritance or worrying about the position it might put you in.

You might not be able to start a family as soon as you hoped, but with their help it should still mean you can start one sooner than you could without their help, even if that help was less than the help your fiancé's brother received.

Vivacia · 02/12/2013 18:46

I'm more pissed off at them for upsetting him, it's very little to do with the finances.

Yes, that's exactly how your opening post read. Given your upset I think that the only way forward is to return the five-figure sum and say thanks but no thanks. Otherwise this would all just sound like money-grabbing bleating.

Original poster
SlightlySquiffy · 02/12/2013 18:49

Thanks all. I really do care for his parents, they are amazing people and I'm excited that our future babies (should we be so lucky) will have amazing grandparents.

Will do as you all suggest and keep my nose out of it and just support my fiancé through his feelings.

OP posts:
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