To be pissed off at my future in-laws?

[SlightlySquiffy]

I think this is going to be long so I apologise in advance, but basically, my fiancé and I are buying our first flat and have very generously been given a nearly 5 figure sum by his parents to help us out. We are very very grateful for this as it will almost cover the stamp duty and we wouldn't be able to consider the flats we are without it (or we would, but would have less deposit and a higher LTV as a result).

The problem is that a couple of weeks ago we were staying with fiancé's brother and SiL and they we're bragging about their 70% equity in their home. The reason for this, we found out, is because their parents gave the bother and SiL an almost 6 figure sum to purchase their house. There were other circumstances which is why they would have needed that amount, none of which apply anymore.

Logically I know it's none of my business as it's not my family and my job is to support my future husband, but I'm still very annoyed about it as the SiL is the sort to throw a tantrum over the smallest thing and I KNOW if the situations were reversed she would be demanding we have an equity release so they could have their share. That is absolutely not what I want, but I am heartbroken as we have decided that we won't be able to start a family a soon as we wanted because of financial reasons. I'm annoyed at his parents for making that decision in the first place and for the compromised position we will potentially be placed in in the future, in terms of inheritance. Not to mention my fiancé is feeling 'punished' (for lack of a better word) because he has a better paying, white-collar job in the City, and I find it upsetting that he feels his brother is the davourite.

I am coming from the position of everything always been given equally amongst my siblings and me turning down many offers of financial help from my parents because I knew my siblings weren't offered the same and I didn't want things to be unfair.

I know I most likely am being unreasonable so please tell me to stop being a money-grubbing banshee, but the favouritism is really bothering me (for example we have had no offer of help for our wedding (nor do we want it) but in-laws will be paying for BiL and SiL's accommodation for our wedding? )

Am I being as unreasonable as I think I am or are my illogical upset feelings over the matter even slightly justified?

Are you pissed off because your fiancé is being given 5 figures and his sister got 6?

If so, maybe he will get more in their will. Maybe they don't have 6 figures. Maybe they don't want to give him 6 figures.

PIL have bought my DH two houses. They have bought BIL no houses. No one seems to have their knickers in a knot about it.

This seems to happen in families, parents give more to the one they see as needy, which is usually not the one deserving, I have no idea why as it causes bad feeling and jealousy (not surprisingly).

I don't think your DP is unreasonable in his anger as that is a ten fold difference in a gift, a hell of a lot. It is wrong of his parents imo, unless there is some mitigating reason which you don't know. We have given money to our DCs to help with first mortgage and they all got exactly the same for this reason.

I'm not sure if there is anything to be done though.

Well if they ever think to brag about it again, you can bring up the fact that they have nothing to be proud of really as the equity in their home was not earned by them?!

YANBU but it should be your DH who should be voicing his feelings to his parents - yes, not easy if he is hardwired to have low expectations from them. DH is in a similar scenario with his siblings. I find it extremely hard to bite my tongue over the disparity of say birthday/ Christmas gifts. Consequently, over the years, we have spent less time, effort and money on their gifts. It has also contributed to growing distance between the siblings because there is undisputed resentment. My DH has voiced his feelings which MIL simply failed to accept so we don't talk about it anymore and he phones her less......

YANBU. You both should have been treated equally, otherwise its a certainty that resentment will arise as its a normal human emotion.

Much fairer to have given both brothers nothing and for them to stand on their own two feet.

You don't have to accept it...

Either you want the gift and keep it or you are upset and hand it back. I don't see how you can say 'thank you but we think we should have more'!

You said there were other circumstances at the time which was why BIL needed that amount, none of which apply any more.

So the PILs then reacted to something that necessitated extra outlay. Perhaps they'd do something similar in the event of your DP requiring an extra boost.

Maybe they think as you're not yet officially one of the family it is more prudent to hold back on bigger sums.

Or possibly yourr fiance's DB and SIL were winding you both up and lying about the exact sum received.

I will never understand why parents would treat siblings any different, it would break my heart if my DCs thought I favoured the other.

My parents have always been very generous but have always been open about it all to the extent that if my DBhas needed help my mum has talked to me about it, she always willl say so as I am helping him I will buy this or contribute to this for you which of course I would say is not necessary.

For the larger amounts ie weddings/houses then they have always been fair which is how it should be.

OP,

When you mention that you are use to equal treatment, have you considered, these incredibly generous people have felt that one child needs more support than the other, for reasons you may be unaware of, I bet if you use your imitation you could come up with a few ideas which could give you an explanation.

Another explanation may be that they don't have faith in the longevity of your relationship, because they detect your attitude. (they will of noticed)

Whatever the reason, it is none of your business.

You should return the money, because you are not receiving the gift with good grace.

imitation/ imagination

My parents paid the deposit on my house and not for either of my sisters. The reason? Their partners' parents paid their house deposits. So I got a large sum of money and they didn't. What mattered to my parents was equality of outcome -,we all had our own house. One of my sisters didn't mind at all, the other felt my parents should have given us all equal sums of money. In total, she received six times as much money from her future in-laws than I did from my parents but she felt that the principle was that parents should be scrupulously equal in what they give their children regardless of circumstances. I completely understand her point of view but I don't agree - *I think we are all very lucky!

I don't think you should be discussing who got what from your PILs. And I can't even find the words to express how I feel about this:

I'm annoyed at his parents for making that decision in the first place and for the compromised position we will potentially be placed in in the future, in terms of inheritance.

It's just so wrong. What the hell is a compromised position in terms of inheritance?! What exactly do you think you/OH deserve?! It really is an awful attitude and I hope they spend the 'inheritance' on cruises around the world while they can and then leave the rest to a donkey sanctuary so you lot don't get your ungrateful hands on a penny more. You sound like you've had your fair share already.

His parents probably feel great that they have the money to help out their kids. My parents helped me with a deposit for my house. They're helping my brother out too. I couldn't give a flying flip whether they're giving him more or less than me. It's none of my business. Does it affect how much they love either of us? No. YABVU.

What a fantastic and generous gift from your future ILs! Why are you being so petty about it?? Maybe they like their other son and DIL better than you? Maybe they had more money to give them at the time, and now they don't? And guess what, the way you think your SIL would have reacted if the roles were reversed, is exactly the way you are reacting yourself right now, except that you're doing it on MN!

You have absolutely no right to their inheritance either, entitled much?! If anyone offered me a five figure sum for anything I would thank them most profusely and make them a cake.

What tinmug said, exactly. Free yourself from any caring about this so far as you can, and always remember you are not owed or entitled to any inheritance, nor should you live in the expectation of getting one. Recipe for unhappiness.