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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off at my future in-laws?

64 replies

SlightlySquiffy · 02/12/2013 17:41

I think this is going to be long so I apologise in advance, but basically, my fiancé and I are buying our first flat and have very generously been given a nearly 5 figure sum by his parents to help us out. We are very very grateful for this as it will almost cover the stamp duty and we wouldn't be able to consider the flats we are without it (or we would, but would have less deposit and a higher LTV as a result).

The problem is that a couple of weeks ago we were staying with fiancé's brother and SiL and they we're bragging about their 70% equity in their home. The reason for this, we found out, is because their parents gave the bother and SiL an almost 6 figure sum to purchase their house. There were other circumstances which is why they would have needed that amount, none of which apply anymore.

Logically I know it's none of my business as it's not my family and my job is to support my future husband, but I'm still very annoyed about it as the SiL is the sort to throw a tantrum over the smallest thing and I KNOW if the situations were reversed she would be demanding we have an equity release so they could have their share. That is absolutely not what I want, but I am heartbroken as we have decided that we won't be able to start a family a soon as we wanted because of financial reasons. I'm annoyed at his parents for making that decision in the first place and for the compromised position we will potentially be placed in in the future, in terms of inheritance. Not to mention my fiancé is feeling 'punished' (for lack of a better word) because he has a better paying, white-collar job in the City, and I find it upsetting that he feels his brother is the davourite.

I am coming from the position of everything always been given equally amongst my siblings and me turning down many offers of financial help from my parents because I knew my siblings weren't offered the same and I didn't want things to be unfair.

I know I most likely am being unreasonable so please tell me to stop being a money-grubbing banshee, but the favouritism is really bothering me (for example we have had no offer of help for our wedding (nor do we want it) but in-laws will be paying for BiL and SiL's accommodation for our wedding? Hmm)

Am I being as unreasonable as I think I am or are my illogical upset feelings over the matter even slightly justified?

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 02/12/2013 18:51

I would stay out of their direct family business, talks of inheritance etc. Maybe it is unfair but just concentrate on enjoying your new home together and be grateful they have paid your stamp duty. It sounds a little like you are almost blaming them for delaying you trying to start a family.

birdybear · 02/12/2013 18:57

You can always say, no thank you. I don't suppose you'll be saying that though, Will you?!!

CuntyBunty · 02/12/2013 18:57

Actually, WhenSarah has a point; at the start of the recession and for the first couple of years of it, I thought "what recession?". Now, it hurts as the "squeezed middle". We should be as loaded as public sector workers could be, but we aren't, we finish the month overdrawn and I resent it. Your PILs circumstances could have changed like ours.

In the nicest possible way, OP, YABU, and as I say to my kids, "Life isn't fair suck it up". Your ILs are tres tacky for boasting about what they have given to whom though, urgh, how vulgar. Money can't buy class eh?

MoreThanChristmasCrackers · 02/12/2013 18:58

OMG, you really need to read your op again.
Then you need to visit the threads where people are struggling to survive.
How much of a bloody hand up do you want.
As for not being able to start a family as soon as you wanted, nothing but greed is standing in your way. The sum total of our finances when we had ds1 was nothing, not even a pot to piss in.
Please get over yourself, here's a grip. Angry but mostly pity you.

MrsCampbellBlack · 02/12/2013 19:03

YANBU

I think unless there are extenuating circumstances then you should try and treat children equally.

But I wonder if your in-laws did give them as much money as sil claims? If I was your fiancé and he has a good relationship with his parents I'd speak to them about it - maybe its not quite as clear cut as you think.

Luckily my in-laws and parents are incredibly fair.

mameulah · 02/12/2013 19:09

If you don't want things to be unfair, give it back. Just in case they are planning on giving you a huge other present to 'make it fair'.

It is not your business to decide what is fair with someone else's money.

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 02/12/2013 19:13

Another one here saying YANBU, though I'm not sure you can really do anything about it. I don't understand parents who have favourites (if what SIL has said is in fact correct).

Whilst this might be a first world problem to some, the comments about the OP being ungrateful etc aren't very helpful. Yes, they're being helped out by family, but not it seems to the extent of DH's sibling. I'd feel upset too. Nothing wrong with that - the fact it's relatively big figures seems to have brought out the green eyed monster in some.

Vivacia · 02/12/2013 19:16

I just don't get this. How can somebody receiving more than you diminish your gift?? We're talking about adults, not 4 year olds for goodness' sake.

HappyJustToBe · 02/12/2013 19:18

Being treated equally is not the same as being treated the same. My DF treats us equally, giving help as required, whether that is monetary or otherwise but we don't get the same for various reasons.

Famzilla · 02/12/2013 19:25

Jesus Christ. Heartbroken?

My husband and I had to borrow £500 from IL's this week to pay part of our mortgage as the NHS buggered up my pay. I was so grateful I almost cried, I feel so privelidged to have married into a family who take care of their children well into adulthood. I don't even have contact with my own family.

Just a bit of perspective for you.

DH once told me about a spoiled ex girlfriend who used to stamp her feet that it wasn't fair everytime her sister got something she didn't. One year her parents bought her a new mini for her birthday and gave her sister a £50 Topshop voucher so she didn't feel left out. This girl kicked off and stamped her feet until her parents gave her £50 as well. She was 18.

Sorry, but this thread reminds me of that behaviour.

expatinscotland · 02/12/2013 19:27

Compromised in terms of inheritance? The people aren't even dead yet! There is something dreadful about even thinking like that.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 02/12/2013 19:28

My parents have always given equal amounts of financial help, but that was because my siblings and I have always been in relatively similar financial positions.

If your DP earns a lot more than his brother then perhaps their parents feel the need to even things up a bit? Or maybe their circumstances have changed since they gave them so much help?

I know of a few families where there is one sibling who earns significantly less than the others - and parents have tried to help them out more.

If your DP works in the City then you shouldn't really need any help unless you have over-inflated ideas about what you should be able to afford in terms of lifestyle.

MrsCampbellBlack · 02/12/2013 19:29

I don't give my children the same the whole time and don't rigidly calculate how much I spend on each of them at birthdays etc. They ware still small though.

But there is no way I'd give one child £100k for a house and another one £20k - its just not fair.

However, I would just speak to my parents about it if I was the OP's fiancé. There may be some extenuating circumstances.

And I wouldn't accept so much more from a parent than my sibling would receive either.

SatinSandals · 02/12/2013 19:34

If you are that upset you could give it back!

Bowlersarm · 02/12/2013 19:42

They sound like extremely generous people.

Maybe you will be the recipient of more money in the future from them.

For the time being, I really think you should be grateful, rather than resentful, about the help they are giving you now.

QuintessentialShadows · 02/12/2013 19:42

"I'm extremely grateful for the help we are getting"

Really? If that was true you would not be posting here about how unfair it is that you are not getting more! Shock

There are words used in conjunction with people like you. Gold-digger, grabby, greedy, entitled, being among the least unpleasant. Take your pick

digerd · 02/12/2013 19:43

pinupgirl
Not in UK. In many continental countries yes, you cannot disinherit your blood-line DC. In France, Spain and Greece the spouse cannot be the heir either or step children.
In UK you can leave your money to whom you want.
On the otherhand, in France, Spain and Greece, the DC heirs have a legal obligation to financially support their surviving parent who cannot inherit from their father.

Bubbalub · 02/12/2013 20:00

I have 3 children - all grown up now. As a parent, I've found that all my children needed different amounts spent on them at different times. For example number 3 went to a private nursery - the others didn't. Number 2 went to private 6th form - the others didn't. Number 1 needed help with rent - the others didn't. I can imagine a new partner might see some of this as unfair but they are also unlikely to know the ins and outs of what we've spent out on over the years. You are being vu and I think your kind and generous pils would be v upset if they read your op.

ZenNudist · 02/12/2013 20:14

You sound horrible. Yabu. Yes a 6 figure sum is great but until you knew your BIL had that you were happy with £ 9-10k. It's not like you were even part of the family when they got their house! Let it go NOW, whatever you do don't dwell on what you aren't getting in the future & count yourself lucky you are getting anything now.

Sounds like your df is doing ok. just assume you're going to have to support yourselves in life & anything else you get if just a bonus.

I'd also leave it up to your df to sort things with his parents now & in the future. If he isn't bothered then you can't be. What does he think about the unequal help given by your PIL's?

For all you know PIL could be saving the big gift for when you buy your family house & just want to make the flat buying easier for you.

Also you future SIL is hopelessly crass to be bragging about 70% equity & letting on its to do with your PIL's generosity.

ZenNudist · 02/12/2013 20:18

Ah he's upset, just saw your other post. In that case he needs to speak to them. Its probably because the economy has gone south since they gave your BIL money & now they can't afford big gifts. Investments and pensions could have gone down the pan. You also don't know of they would actually put it right in their will.

Still best not to get upset with them for doing something nice for you! Totally spoilt.

Vivacia · 02/12/2013 20:22

but I'm still very annoyed about it as the SiL is the sort to throw a tantrum over the smallest thing and I KNOW if the situations were reversed she would be demanding we have an equity release so they could have their share.

This is another crazy bit. You are annoyed and acting unreasonable because you imagine that your sister-in-law would react angrily and unreasonably if the roles were reversed.

Salmotrutta · 02/12/2013 20:28

OP - just be grateful for the help and point out to your fiancée that his parents may be feeling the pinch right now.

They may be horrified to know tha the DB and SIL have been boasting about what they got and they may also be gutted if they just can't afford to give you an equal amount right now.

On a side note - I'm not sure about England's inheritance laws but up here all children are entitled to an equal share of one-third of the moveable estate even if they are not mentioned in the will.
And the spies is entitled to the property and remainder of the estate if there is no will left.

Salmotrutta · 02/12/2013 20:30

spouse - not "spies"

Although it would be funny if MI5 got all the cash - imagine the relatives faces!

Salmotrutta · 02/12/2013 20:31

Good point about the pensions Zen - maybe they aren't going to have much left.

FariesDoExist · 02/12/2013 20:38

Bloody hell!!! I cannot imagine what I would feel if I gave someone a huge amount of money and it pissed them off.

Oh go on, tell his parents how pissed off you are. They might want to give all their money to the local cats re-homing centre.