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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To dislike it when dp arranges things that involve me?

57 replies

muddyprints · 02/12/2013 14:36

I think I probably am being unreasonable actually and I'm not sure why I feel like this.
I'm a sahm, dp works 6 days a week, I do the school run and take dd2 to play groups, swimming, walks, shopping so we aren't in much. We tend to be in on afternoons when dd has a nap and I do internet shop, housework and gardening and relax a bit.
If we need work doing on the house or a parcel is due then I wait in.

Today is dps dad's birthday, dp is working and has an evening meeting so can't visit him. He knew this in advance but made no attempt to visit at the weekend. He has phoned his dad and said he will drop his present tomorrow but his dad said he might pop round today. No mention of a time. So I've put dd to bed and I've had to keep an eye out for them whilst doing the washing,dusting round etc as if the doorbell goes dd will wake. I'm out at 3 on school run and got to drop another dc home so won't be back till almost 4 then I need to do dinner and I have a feeling the ils will turn up and be waiting for us after school and this stresses me out and I'm not sure why.

I just wish if people want to visit when only I'm in that they would arrange with me so I know when to expect them.

Dp does this all the time, the week before Xmas when dds are both home I plan nice things to do and then dp will tell me that his friends/relatives are coming wed morning and we have to sit in and wait all morning for his friends and I feel like he is telling me what to do with my time.

I think I feel it should be my choice if people are visiting me.

I am unreasonable aren't I?

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 02/12/2013 14:39

A bit.

If you knew they were coming, why didn't you ring them to sort out a time?

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 02/12/2013 14:40

It is incredibly bad manners of him to allocate your time without checking with you first. At best it's thoughtless and taking you for granted and at worst, its a bit controlling.

Bellini81 · 02/12/2013 14:40

I don't like the fact that your dp won't be there when his dad pops round on his birthday.. surely he would like to see him too.

I do get that hanging around is a pain but in future I would say to your dp please don't make arrangements for people to pop round willy nillly as it stresses me out waiting for them. If you are stressed about this then of course I don't think yabu

CailinDana · 02/12/2013 14:41

No you're not at all unreasonable. Your dp seems to think you just sit around all day. Why don't you ring his dad and say today isn't good?

scortja · 02/12/2013 14:41

Of COURSE you aren't being unreasonable!

Tell him how you feel and ask people to arrange things with you rather than him..

BeigeBuffet · 02/12/2013 14:41

What's to stop you contacting your IL's to finalise arrangements? From your post you seem to be acting as if you are being imposed upon, but there's a very simple solution to making sure you take control of when people visit.

Roastbeefandyorkshires · 02/12/2013 14:41

Yanbu

diddl · 02/12/2013 14:42

"I just wish if people want to visit when only I'm in that they would arrange with me so I know when to expect them. "

Sounds reasonable tbh!

thebody · 02/12/2013 14:42

no he should ask you as that's polite.

he's treating you like a bloody servant although he probably doesn't mean to.

still why should you entertain his friends? bugger that.

you probably need to suck up your inlaws as they are close relatives although can totally see the tea time drop in is a pita.

however if he arranges friends to pop round then say no sorry doesn't suit as I will be out.

MrsSquirrel · 02/12/2013 14:44

YANBU my dp does the same thing. I work part time and dp seems to think that I don't have anything to do during the time I am not at work.

But you don't have to sit in and wait in all morning for people he has made an arrangement with. Just tell him you won't be there and he needs to rearrange. It's what I do. He made the arrangement to begin with, he can rearrange it.

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/12/2013 14:45

Just say, "no, we aren't in then, I was planning x". It's his fault if he arranges it and you aren't there. It's your guilt, just let it go. School run happens. If they are there, "sorry, school run, DH didn't tell me a time".

rundontwalk · 02/12/2013 14:45

Nope YANBU - it's common courtesy to check with you first.

thebody · 02/12/2013 14:45

oh yes phone your inlaws and say of course they would want to see dh on his birthday so arrange for them to visit on his day off or book a restaurant for you all to meet up and celebrate his birthday.

BackforGood · 02/12/2013 14:47

YABa bitU - it sounds like a relaxed thing - your FiL has mentioned he might pop round - if it's affecting your day, then whyever can't you phone him and ask when he might come, so you can make sure he doesn't have a wasted journey ? Really doesn't sound like anything to get worked up about.

Nanny0gg · 02/12/2013 14:49

Maybe the OP's DP was unreasonable to make those arrangements (I assume the OP always checks with her partner before she arranges anything that affects him).

However, is there really any need to make the ILs feel really unwelcome (because, god forbid they might want to see their DGC on FiL's birthday)?

Oh yes. They're InLaws. Therefore they must be an imposition.

misskatamari · 02/12/2013 14:50

I can totally understand you feeling annoyed - I absolutely HATE waiting around for something that may happen at some point - so stressful!

However I would just give in laws a ring and explain you need a time if they are planning to pop round - no point wasting your day feeling anxious about it when it could easily be clarified. I'd also make sure to say to DH that in future he needs to ask and clarify times if people are going to be round.

misskatamari · 02/12/2013 14:51

I don't think it's that the inlaws aren't welcome nanny - just that the op often makes plans and is now having to hang around waiting with no actual idea of if/when people might come round

CoffeeTea103 · 02/12/2013 14:52

Yabu, instead of taking the time to post this you could have made a quick call to wish him hbd and find out what time they will be stopping by. Sounds like you make life difficult for yourself.

Nanny0gg · 02/12/2013 14:56

misskatamari that was more to some of the other posters than the OP, really.

Just seems that the received wisdom on MN is that ILs are the Devil Incarnate.

Original poster

muddyprints · 02/12/2013 14:58

Ils like to just pop by and won't give a time as they don't know when they are passing.
When I gave up work I think they thought they would be popping in all the time but after turning up regularly to find me out or just walking out the door they realised I'm never in so did start ringing. But when I answer they say oh good yours in we will be round in ten mins, just cos I'm in I might be doing housework, have friends over or due out shortly, I didn't give up work to sit in all day.

Thing is when it's the week before Xmas or a birthday I know these friends/family are coming with gifts for dds so I don't like to just go out but I feel it's not fair for me to have to stay in all the time.

I do feel it's controlling my time but then I feel really ungrateful cos they are visiting and have asked dp and he's said muddy will be in.

Also I'm quite introvert so the thought of sitting with dps friend and their wife making small talk and accepting gifts is hard for me.

OP posts:

OddFodd · 02/12/2013 14:58

No you're not being unreasonable but you're being very unassertive! Call his dad and arrange a time for him to pop round. Or tell him it's not convenient.

And if his friends/relatives are coming to visit before Xmas, you need to get involved and say 'tell them they can come at X time. Before then, I won't be around'.

And if you're worried about the doorbell going when your DD is napping, put a note on the door :)

pinkdelight · 02/12/2013 14:59

I think YAB a bit U, as he does work 6 days a week and presumably has lots of stuff imposed on him that he doesn't especially want to do as we all have to do for work. I don't really see why your 'work' as a SAHM should be so different, that you can pretty much please yourself. Of course, as in an ideal workplace, you'd have better communication and he'd check with you first or you'd take the lead so things fitted in better with your schedule, but to me it just sounds like he's busy and batting things to you, who is more available, to help out when he's tied up. Yes, he could have done it at the w/e, but he only has one day at the w/e so it's not that unreasonable to inconvenience you a little I don't think. He should thank you though, be more team-like about it.

tallulah · 02/12/2013 15:00

No YANBU.I wouldn't wait in for your DP's friends either if you've got other plans.

When I first went back to work after having DD I was deliberately off Fridays so we could continue with Toddler group. DH took to arranging for his DPs to come round to see DD Friday lunchtimes. So I'd get back from Toddlers with DD asleep in her pram, with a million and one things to do before she woke up, to find the ILs waiting to see her and have to spend my afternoon entertaining them instead.

The second time he did it (I thought they'd just turned up and not realised he'd arranged it) he got such a rollicking after they'd gone that he never did it again .

pinkdelight · 02/12/2013 15:04

"Also I'm quite introvert so the thought of sitting with dps friend and their wife making small talk and accepting gifts is hard for me"

It's not that great a hardship, really though, is it? I'm an introvert too, but I know it gets worse when I'm not working so that smaller impositions like that feel more stressful, whereas when I'm working I take it more in my stride. I agree with coffeetea that you're making too much of it. He's not controlling your time. He's just run out of time and you - by agreement with your DH in having you SAH - have more time to spare, even by your own assessment of your day.

FiscalCliffRocksThisTown · 02/12/2013 15:06

Why dot text the IL's saying

"Hi. looking forward to seeing you, what time do you think you'll be here? I am out doing school run 3-4, and don't want you to have to wait outside in the cold for me to come back! xxx OP"

problem solved.

Why are you making this a problem? You sound stressed out, and in need of a break. Get that sorted too while you're at it ;)

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