To dislike it when dp arranges things that involve me?

[muddyprints]

I think I probably am being unreasonable actually and I'm not sure why I feel like this.
I'm a sahm, dp works 6 days a week, I do the school run and take dd2 to play groups, swimming, walks, shopping so we aren't in much. We tend to be in on afternoons when dd has a nap and I do internet shop, housework and gardening and relax a bit.
If we need work doing on the house or a parcel is due then I wait in.

Today is dps dad's birthday, dp is working and has an evening meeting so can't visit him. He knew this in advance but made no attempt to visit at the weekend. He has phoned his dad and said he will drop his present tomorrow but his dad said he might pop round today. No mention of a time. So I've put dd to bed and I've had to keep an eye out for them whilst doing the washing,dusting round etc as if the doorbell goes dd will wake. I'm out at 3 on school run and got to drop another dc home so won't be back till almost 4 then I need to do dinner and I have a feeling the ils will turn up and be waiting for us after school and this stresses me out and I'm not sure why.

I just wish if people want to visit when only I'm in that they would arrange with me so I know when to expect them.

Dp does this all the time, the week before Xmas when dds are both home I plan nice things to do and then dp will tell me that his friends/relatives are coming wed morning and we have to sit in and wait all morning for his friends and I feel like he is telling me what to do with my time.

I think I feel it should be my choice if people are visiting me.

I am unreasonable aren't I?

my inlaws were ace but I wouldn't want them popping round at tea time as remember that as being the frantic time when my kids were young.

surely as I said before you should be all going out for a meal to celebrate his birthday anyway. go on his day off.

I think fine for things to be 'batted' to the SAHM/PTM BUT this should always be - 'I think it'll be fine for you to come round that week, but I'll check with M and get back to you about when/why don't you contact M and arrange it directly/I'll get her to give you a call to arrange...'

Yep, seafood, that'd do it. Get the sense OP wouldn't like calling them either though, but if she doesn't want him to arrange it all, she'll have to be proactive and set out when the suitable times are.

Not acceptable and YADNBU. It is not your job to wait in for your DP's friends and relatives. That would drive me mad. It's only happened here a couple of times but I have expressed my EXTREME annoyance at it.

The main reason it irritated me immensely was that I felt I was assumed to be home all day. I work from home, so I am often home, but that doesn't mean I don't pop out to the shops and stuff. Also, when I am working at home I am working. DP's friends and relatives turning up takes me away from my work. I'm sure that being a SAHM you have plenty enough to do and your own routine.

Grr, I'm getting irritated again just thinking about it and on your behalf too.

I think I feel it should be my choice if people are visiting me.

Yes, it should be.

I would get irritated by this too, I don't like people just popping in, but then I recognise that I'm a bit up tight about that sort of thing. I am sure your DP doesn't realise, just point it out to him for future reference that actually you are busy doing x and y during the day, so you can't just be in randomly. Regarding the doorbell waking your little one, also a pet peeve, if you know people are coming round, can you text them and ask them to call you when they get there and not ring the door bell? I say this as someone who has lost out on my afternoon as a delivery guy with a parcel for my neighbours has just woken my DS by knocking on the door loudly! No afternoon for me now! Grrrrr!

Err why is it that it's the OP's DH who is arranging something with his parents wo telling her but it's the OP that should then do all the organizing by ringing the ILs??

Yes if he had talked to her about it, that would be the right reaction but not in this case.

OP you do need to get much much more assertive and not sort everything out when your DP behaves like that. He organized something for his dad, then it's his responsibility to organise things so that both you and his parents can meet up.
And tell him you can't.

Btw why didn't he go and see his dad over the weekend? Is there some issue between them?

I can totally understand you feeling annoyed - I absolutely HATE waiting around for something that may happen at some point - so stressful!

So stressful? Are you fucking kidding? You have clearly had no real stress in you life!

I think it is very disrespectful to make plans for other people and not consult them first. But this is also your fault for allowing it!

Tell your husband that you may or may not be in and that he is not to do this again. Then go out. If anyone kicks off tell them to take it up with him!

I am a sahm and I would not tolerate my time being organised for me. Your h is not your employer and he might need a gentle reminder of that fact.

I agree as a sahm I have more time than dp and I'm happy to wait in for deliveries, workmen, and if I'd been told ils we're coming at 2 I would have known to be downstairs ready to open door, no problem.

I was told this morning that his dad said he might pop round, I washed and dusted and tidied round keeping my eyes open for the car, but I couldn't go in the garden or out the back. I rushed school run including dropping off another dc I case they were waiting.

They didn't come.

They are known for agreeing on phone to come at 5 and then at 5.30 dp rings to see what's wrong and they have changed their mind but don't bother ringing.

I couldn't ring as I didn't have their new number.

Tbh the problem wasn't just today, that's just an example, dps friends don't seem to arrange times they just say they will pop in Thursday afternoon and by 6 I'm saying well where are they the kids are going to bed soon, dp rings and they are on their way, they turn up at 8 kids are asleep.

I have loads on in next few weeks and I should be more assertive so will be saying when I'm in and out and be a bit less available. Dp is busy and was just thinking I'm probably in.

You really could have gone in the garden or out the back. And you needn't have dusted and tidied and rushed around. It's really not a big deal. Your inlaws clearly don't think so if they just change their minds and let it slide. Yes on the one hand you do need to be more assertive, but on the other hand, just chill a bit. This does make me think, as someone above says, that there is a lack of real stress to occupy you.

I didn't dust and do housework for their visit, when dd naps I try and sort house quick.
Actually I'm more annoyed they didn't come, so I'm meant to be in I case they turn up but then they decide not to but don't let me no. They have my phone number.

So the in-laws don't like giving a time, and prefer just to be able to pop in whenever they like...?!

Sorry, but that is unreasonable.

They honestly expect people just to sit at home all day, purely so that they can be able to drop in at a time that is entirely, unilaterally suitable to them?

They're being ridiculous.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with agreeing a time. If they were going to the doctor or any other appointment, they'd have to do it at a set time. It doesn't have to be a time agreed on pain of death, but surely a time half-an-hour either way is not going to kill them.

Stick to your guns. I am usually very pro-ILs on here, but they are being totally unreaosnable; and likewise, your request for an actual time is completely reasonable. If they don't come at the agreed time and you need to be somewhere else, just leave and get on with it. Their time is not more important than your own.

I just think when someone says to dp we might pop and see muddy and dcs, he should say give her a ring and arrange it, not just say yes pop in and then tell me someone is coming so I have to sit and wait.
Ils come weekly, very often they just don't turn up and then come the next day, which to me is weird, especially as I do an early tea on the days I expect them so kids get more time to play with gps before bed.
I do need to chill more though and just carry on and if people turn up they will have to muck in with what we are doing.

I very much doubt that the ILs have any idea that you're sitting around anxiously wondering when they're going to turn up.
You have two choices:

1. Get on with your day. If they turn up when you're out, or napping, or otherwise unavailable then too bad for them - they should have made more definite arrangements.
2. Make a more definite arrangement yourself.

Personally, I'd go for 1.

Next time DP makes such an announcement, just blithely say to him that they should give you a call to arrange a mutually agreeable time. And then leave it at that, going about your day as normal.

It sounds incredibly frustrating, but it needn't be. Mostly, because if they can't be arsed to firm things up and follow through, then why should you?

Yes I need to get on with my days more, I have cancelled too many play groups/ walks and stayed in for a visit that hasn't happened and I'm the one left feeling crap like I can be picked up and put down to suit others.

I think people think cos I'm a sahm I should fit round them, but my few years off work with my kids are precious to me and not to be wasted.

It's harder when I'm in but busy cos I want dd to stay asleep and want to get on.

YANBU - just tell him not to do it. Explain to him that it is rude to organise your time for you and that it feels very controlling - so to damn well stop it.

Tell your dp that there really isn't very long before christmas (I only have 14 school days in which to get loads done before the dc are at home and I can't do everything with them around) so that you now have every day planned out and you don't want random things being added to screw your days up as it will have knock on effects on everything else you have planned.

So for now, just until Christmas is over, can he not book you in to do anything. If there is anything urgent, then he can ring and check and see when it would be most convenient for you (and if it is his friends then maybe the most convenient day would be when he is there too - if he complains then say that it can be shifted until after christmas, it won't matter if the kids get their presents after the day and it will be much nicer for him to see his friends too. And of course if it is ok for him to complain that something is inconvenient then why is not ok for you to point out that something is inconvenient, especially when you have pointed out that you are fully booked for the next 4 weeks!).

Put a calendar up on the wall with every possible activity in it that you want to do - even if it is just shopping as it all needs to be done and takes time. Even if it is just a table showing the next four weeks, it shows that you have things pencilled in to do and he can't conveniently think that he is helpfully arranging things for you and giving himself an easier time.

If you say this now, in the run up to christmas, and give a time limit of christmas then you aren't being assertive for very long, there's a fixed reason and stopping point at the end, so it's shouldn't be too scary a prospect.

And definitely say that if he makes arrangements without checking with you in the run up to christmas that it is ok - then his friends will have to take pot luck as to whether or not you are actually there when they arrive.

Hopefully it will work really well and after christmas you'll be fortified by the success of his not arranging things for you that you will then carry on and ignore his arrangements if they don't work for you and he hasn't checked with you beforehand! It's just common courtesy - that he should be treating you with regardless.

*I can totally understand you feeling annoyed - I absolutely HATE waiting around for something that may happen at some point - so stressful!

So stressful? Are you fucking kidding? You have clearly had no real stress in you life!*

What an ignorant remark.

I have done the calendar zip zap, including weekends which are quite full too. I won't cancel anything planned. People need to fit around me more. I was being too soft.

You need to just say airily that you might not be around. Don't get cross, be perfectly pleasant, but keep turning it back to him, what HE is going to do about it.

DH: Dad might pop round to pick up his present today.
You: Oh, well I am in and out all day, you have told him I might not be here, haven't you?
DH: Can't you ring him and arrange a time?
You: [Depends on how you feel] Give me the number/No, it's YOU he really wants to see, he's YOUR Dad. You need to arrange a time when YOU can give him his present.

DH: My friends are coming round on Wednesday.
You: Oh, shame, DDs and I are booked to go out. Make sure you get some nice food and drink in for them.
DH: But you can't go out.
You: I told you last week what we are doing that day. What do you think you'll do, rebook them for a day I am in, or do the food yourself? Don't forget to check that I WILL be in this time hahahaaa < smile >

Wow Samandi - just been back to the thread and your comment towards me was pretty rude! I was empathising with the op as can understand how stressful it is waiting indefinitely. I have plenty of real stresses in my life which I manage very well thank you - doesn't stop me finding certain things annoying at times! No need to be on the attack over a simple comment jeeesh!

misskatamari - comment was directed at whois, not you - sorry if that was unclear. It was deliberately rude as I thought s/he was being ignorant (and rude towards you!) I come from the same place as you and the OP - plenty of "real" stresses in my life over the years and I find hanging around pretty stressful too.

To clarify

"So stressful? Are you fucking kidding? You have clearly had no real stress in you life!"

was not my remark ... I really should be more clear when using quotations!