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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want MILs dog to stay in the kitchen.

82 replies

Filimou · 02/12/2013 06:21

A few months ago mils dog lunged at our ds (2) when he fell on the floor at her house.
It was only quick reflexes and good fortune that the dog didnt get his jaws round his face Sad Sad Sad
Since then we have insisted that the dog is locked in the kitchen when we visit. The dog doesnt like this and yelps and barks and tries to get out becoming quite distressed, so MIL goes and sits in the kitchen with it...so needless to say our visits are getting shorter Sad . After receiving some excellent ideas for keeping the dog calm here, we suggested them to MIL who just wants to keep sitting in there with it.
At the weekend we went to visit and the dog started whimpering again, as we were packing up dh suggested that maybe next time the dog could come in as long as ds sat on dh lap. I was Shock Shock Shock Shock .
For a start how can ds at 2 be relied on to sit still on dhs lap, why should he feel afraid??? Most of all I just cant trust that dog. I just cant. So AIBU to refuse, to stick to my guns and say, if its not in the kitchen we are NOT visiting with ds.

OP posts:
perfectstorm · 02/12/2013 11:58

YANBU.

She's a shocking dog owner. They're pack animals, and by pandering to the dog and thinking its needs should be more important than the child she's failing it. The dog won't suffer one scrap if given nice toys and treats to occupy it next door, or muzzled, or put in a crate in the living room, while small kids are around. Ideally no, you don't need to do that and a dog should be well controlled and docile, but a dog that's indicated aggression towards a small child does not get the chance to prove their point twice. Apart from anything else, is the woman too bloody stupid to understand that if her hound ever were to bite your child badly, the dog would have to be put down? She's failing everyone with this nonsense.

I am a paid up member of the dog brigade. I love dogs with a passion. That's why I have so little time for the idiots who have no respect for them as a species and try to pretend they're fluffy humans. Have a dog? Train it; love and exercise it; if not planning to breed then neuter it; insure its medical needs with a good company; provide it with other canine company now and then; ensure it is safe around children and anyone else in fact... and pick up its damn crap!

Anyone who doesn't do the above is not a dog lover. They're a self-indulgent sentimentalist at best.

AngelaDaviesHair · 02/12/2013 12:08

I like your post, perfectstorm.

fluffyraggies · 02/12/2013 12:19

whoknows - my apologies, i thought you were reading the OP and seeing something different from the rest of us Grin

I agree with the poster who said the re-homing musings here are a mute point, MIL cant even bare to put the dog in the kitchen alone for an hour, let alone anything else.

AND - just a thought - but i cant see it being too easy to re-home a dog who has been given up due to it snapping at a toddler ... very sadly.

My elderly parents had a Sealyham terrier. He lived to a ripe old age and bit everyone in sight. The dog was a pain in the arse and i used to cringe at how they pandered to it. Like a child. The dogs they had while i was young were all well behaved and treated and trained properly - like dogs! Perhaps it's a similar thing with OPs MIL? An age thing? I don't know. But ultimately she is going to loose out on time with her GCs at this rate.

happylittlebear · 02/12/2013 12:48

Peppina, I have been in your situation, MIL has a very big untrained dog that she treats like her baby. He jumps up, isn't (IMO) adequately exercised (because she cannot control him while out) and is frankly an accident waiting to happen.

I spoke to her during my pregnancy about the safety of my baby around the dog and also my safety while pg as he jumps up so much and is so big (he weighs 9stone and can put his paws on my 6ft 4 DH) and I was assured he would be kept completely out of the room while we were there, he would never hurt anyone, baby would be safe etc etc...

A couple of months later, while I was 7 months pg, she let him in to the living room while we were there, because she "felt sorry for him", this was without my knowledge (or I would've immediately left), he went to jump up on me but thankfully I was able to move out of the way quick enough and I wasn't hurt.

From that point, I have never returned to her house. DS is now 3.5.

MIL makes a lot of noises about how terrible her life is, her friends, family and her grandson do not visit her house because of the dog but her complete disregard to others safety makes me lack any sympathy for her.

My choice to not visit there and a ban on DS ever going there hasn't been popular and it caused a lot of arguments but I have stuck to my guns and after a lot of weeping and wailing, she doesn't mention it to me any more, just comes to us when she wants to see DS.

It's a sad situation for all really, DS doesn't see DH family as much as he would if it weren't for the dog (they are a 20min drive from us so not far), and MIL is missing out on having the relationship with DS that my parents have. I also contrary to what MIL thinks, really feel for the dog, if it had been properly trained and socialised it would've had a much better life.

I blame MIL for the whole sorry mess really.

VisualiseAHorse · 02/12/2013 12:57

YANBU!!

Is the dog the sort that likes to chew things? If so, when you visit, you can try taking a chewy thing (pigs ear, chewy bone), and let him have it in the kitchen. Then he'll begin associating your visits with a good thing and perhaps that will calm him?

Pinupgirl · 02/12/2013 13:13

MTB why are you even considering going to the inlaws?-Madness and you are putting your dc in danger. Don't go!!

Original poster
Filimou · 02/12/2013 19:39

So sorry I posted and ran, my internet died....
Thank you for all the responses. Im so glad Im not overreacting.

OP posts:
Original poster
Filimou · 02/12/2013 19:45

Five they were indeed the suggestions. Id hope she'd be more flexible for a toddler but she seems to think her dog is a toddler...
Soup Thanks to some great ideas here at the time ds isnt frightened around dogs but knows he needs to keep a safe distance. He will point and say "doggy mummy nice doggy" but will not approach it iyswim.
gleek oddly dh always supports me, which is why I found this odd and didnt know if I was overreacting.

OP posts:
thebody · 02/12/2013 19:48

MTB I wouldn't go there either or take the children.

op you are quite right and stand firm. your dh and mil are reckless.

Original poster
Filimou · 03/12/2013 05:41

whoknows It wasnt a snap, its teeth were bared and the only thing between my ds face and its jaws was my hand. I saw it lunge and put my hand/arm in the way. The dogs mouth was round my hand ds nose was touching the other side, thats how close it was. DS was trappdd on the floor between a small table and the couch. I dont doubt for a second that the dog saw ds was vulnerable and took its chance.Its spoiled rotten and I dont believe exercised nearly enough.
Im on the app so cant link the original thread, will try on computer later.

OP posts:
Morloth · 03/12/2013 05:50

Very simple really.

Either the dog is restrained (in the other room) or my kid doesn't go there.

No negotiations, no need for behaviourists. Keep the dog and the kid separate and there can be no accident resulting in injury to the child and death for the dog. They are both much safer if kept apart.

If MIL would rather sit in the kitchen with the dog and the whole point of the visit is to see her then when she goes to the dog it is time for you to leave.

OP posts:
Whoknowswhocares · 03/12/2013 08:31

Sorry Fillimou, I must have remembered it wrong! Oops.

QuickQuickSloe · 03/12/2013 08:46

My grandmother did something similar, her dog bit me when I was six. All her grandchildren knew she was prioritising her dogs over us and we have no relationship with her as adults.

Original poster
Filimou · 03/12/2013 08:57

Its ok whoknows , I do so much complaining these days its hard to keep track Grin

OP posts:
SlimJiminy · 03/12/2013 09:12

YANBU!

Don't back down on this one. MIL is being ridiculous. No way does she expect to go into the kitchen and sit with that dog for the rest of your son's childhood - she thinks you'll come round / forget about it / change your mind eventually.

My OH's parents have 2 soppy-as-anything spaniels. They're shut in the kitchen whenever any children go round. No question about it. No exceptions. That's the responsible thing to do.

ILovePonyo · 03/12/2013 09:21

YANBU. I got told on mn that I was making my dd scared of dogs because I asked my sister to put her dog away when we visited Hmm your mils dog has given a warning, it would be silly not to heed it. good luck op.

expatinscotland · 03/12/2013 09:21

She comes to yours with no dog, you meet elsewhere, or no contact.

hermioneweasley · 03/12/2013 09:37

If she sits in the kitchen with the dog thw whole time she's at yours, why doesn't she just come to you?

This whole attitude massive,y pisses me off - animals are not on a par with any humans, let alone family!

cingolimama · 03/12/2013 10:29

YADNBU! Like perfect, I am a dog lover. However your MIL's attitude is appalling. As is your DH's.

The most important thing here is that the dog has a history of attacking your child. Do NOT give it another chance. No proximity. Please be absolutely firm about this.

Chippingnortonset123 · 03/12/2013 10:33

Only read the op and yanbu. Stick to your guns. Our dog lives in the kitchen. It isn't cruel.

tudorqueen · 04/12/2013 22:36

My old dog grew up with my DDs and was awesome with young children. My present dog only really has contact with my teenage DDs and my adult DSc and, as he is most definitely our family baby, and is soppy and cuddly and tbh I prefer him to my teenagers most of the time - I wouldn't trust him around very young children because he has no experience with them and they move fast and that scares him, so he'll snap at them. And that isn't fair to the children or my dog. And your MILs actions aren't fair to her DGC or her dog either.

Topaz25 · 05/12/2013 11:07

YANBU Your MIL needs to train her dog rather than just indulging him and since she has ignored your suggestions it doesn't seem like she is willing to do that. You have put your DS's safety first. Is there any way you could see your in laws somewhere other than their house so the dog isn't there?

Delilahlilah · 05/12/2013 12:39

I suggest inviting her to visit you. Shutting the dog in the kitchen every time you visit is only likely to increase any jealousy / bad behaviour towards your child. Your MIL is clearly unhappy with the status quo, and so are you. If she wants to improve his behaviour when shut in the kitchen, a baby gate is a good learning tool. The dog can see her, and should reduce anxiety. Move forward to closing the door over time and things should improve. The kitchen being a positive place for the dog will work better for you all. Your ds should be less aware of him then too, as you don't want him to be afraid as you stated above.

KingRollo · 05/12/2013 12:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.