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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel jealous/resentful of my friend 'breezing' through having a baby?

44 replies

AlmondFrangipani · 01/12/2013 21:32

I had a baby 4 months ago. He is lovely but we have had a roller coaster of a time. Induction and tough birth, extended hospital stay due to both if us being ill, tongue tie, feeding problems resulting in giving up BF (even though I desperately wanted to) and reflux meaning a baby who wakes up ever couple of hours at night. We are coming out of this now and things are getting easier but a good friend if mine has just had her baby. 5 days after having him she's out a lot, looks amazing (in her old jeans already) and generally 'breezing' through.

I don't really know why but I feel really upset/jealous. My experience has been so different! Desperate to feel like the old me and I'm nowhere near getting in my old jeans...Hmm

OP posts:
Annunziata · 01/12/2013 21:35

It's very understandable to feel like that Flowers

But 5 days is nothing and you're playing the long game with a baby, your amazing times will come and her hard times will come.

puntasticusername · 01/12/2013 21:36

YANBU to feel a bit "meep" (sorry to hear about all the issues you've had btw, sounds very tough) but...

  1. no-one actually "breezes through" - everyone finds parenthood tough in their own way, even if they're putting a brave face on.

  2. comparing yourself to others is a sure route to unhappiness. Try not to do it.

  3. five DAYS and she's back in her jeans? She is BVVVVVVVVVU.

ILovePonyo · 01/12/2013 21:40

YANBU. And sod the jeans ;)

You must be knackered.

idiuntno57 · 01/12/2013 21:41

I had easy pregnancies, orgasmic births but developed crippling PND every time.

YANBU but five days is nothing. If you've had a great birth you are still on a high for a start. Things often seem as they are not from the outside. No one has it all perfect - whatever they say iron how they appear.

idiuntno57 · 01/12/2013 21:41

not iron. or.

ILovePonyo · 01/12/2013 21:41

Oops posted too soon. Meant to say, the time will go so quickly and things will change (for the better!) Do you have support from partner, family?

justabigdisco · 01/12/2013 21:42

I was like this. I think it was hormones/sleep deprivation that made me over think and get upset about stuff. My DD is 2 now, and I'm totally over it. I had a shit labour/delivery and I was upset for a long time, but it just gets better! Grin

parallax80 · 01/12/2013 21:42

Understandable but unhelpful.

The only person who suffers from jealousy / resentment is you.

FWIW I was in pre-pregnancy jeans 2 days post delivery. This was probably related to 7 months of hyperemesis and a baby with growth restriction who didn't make me big but had to be syringe fed on arrival. I also had a 3rd degree tear, PPH and am now incontinent. I'm not sure post partum dress size correlates well with ease of pregnancy / delivery.

WooWooOwl · 01/12/2013 21:43

YABU but you know that. This friend of yours is irrelevant to how you feel, because presumably you'd be stressed about the way things have gone for you no matter what other people experiences are.

You are both right at the very beginning of this parenting thing, and I guarantee that your friend won't always find it so easy. No parent ever finds all of it easy, and there will come a time where something you are dealing with well will be a huge worry for her. That's just the way it is. Try to put it into perspective.

AmandaCooper · 01/12/2013 21:45

Five DAYS and she's out a lot?? Where is she going??

SomethingkindaOod · 01/12/2013 21:45

YABU but I mean that very kindly and gently.
I was the same as your friend. All 3 pregnancies. To everybody even my closest friends it looked like (in my ex boss's words) I was made for pregnancy... Hmm
The reality is that I loathed and detested the 27 months I spent being pregnant and due to blood sugar issues in the DC's I gave up BFing before they ended up in SCBU, had PND twice and issues of my own which almost scuppered my chances of a HB.
I hid it though, mainly through pride, got back in my jeans 4 days after giving birth through pure chance and the fact that the heartburn meant I couldn't eat much rather than anything else!
The point of my ramble is that even though she's your friend you really don't know 100% how she's feeling. She might not actually think that she's breezing through, she may well wake up in a cold sweat thinking 'WTF am I doing' in the small hours of the morning!

ILovePonyo · 01/12/2013 21:46

Actually, thinking about it, I might have looked like I was breezing though it early days. I lost loads of weight because I was too anxious to eat, and went out and about with my dd and dp (shops, restaurants) but only because I wanted to squash the anxiety that came with new born baby and return to my old way of life. Which obviously didn't happen, and I accepted eventually :) but at first I kind of freaked out and tried to go back to how things were pre baby, except with baby, if that makes sense?

Ifcatshadthumbs · 01/12/2013 21:47

Well tbh I bounced back really quickly after ds1, really upbeat, in my old clothes etc etc. I think I was running on pure adrenaline. When ds1 got to about 2/3 months old I totally crashed and developed pretty severe PND.

We all have tough times just not the same ones.

Gilberte · 01/12/2013 21:50

I was back in my jeans within days, out and about soon after but I had a difficult baby, breastfeeding was very painful to begin with (bleeding nipples were horrible).

5 years down the line. I find parenting very hard indeed. You might hit your stride and find it much easier than her in the end. It's early days.

pianodoodle · 01/12/2013 21:52

Five DAYS and she's out a lot?? Where is she going??

That's what I was wondering Grin

There is a photo of me after about a week with DD that looks as if I've bounced back but I just made a huge effort with lots of touche eclat - and my jeans weren't even pulled up properly I had a very long jumper on!

After the nice photo and when people went home I got back into my dressing gown and sat like a pudding for another few weeks ;)

ILovePonyo · 01/12/2013 21:55

Grin at sat like a pudding, I like that. I will try and use it in conversation soon, I'm pretty good at doing it ;)

I was out a lot 5 days after giving birth.

pulcinella · 01/12/2013 21:57

Yanbu. And your friend may even feel a bit guilty - I've had an incredibly lucky first few months with mine, but I know that there are mothers with experiences like yours and I feel desperately sorry for them since there is nothing but luck that governs it.

So you are right: it is NOT FAIR. I would completely understand friends in your position feeling bitter and resentful that I got the luck and they didn't. And I hope I'd be understanding.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 01/12/2013 22:04

With DD1 I was cleaning the house and baking within days. I kept that up for about 3 months and then crashed. When I look back now, it really wasn't normal and I wasn't coping, but I was measuring "coping" by the cleanliness of my house, not the fact that I couldn't sit still for more than 10mins.

With DD2 I went shopping two days after the birth, everyone commentd on how great I looked etc. I went home and was unable to do anything until she was about 5months because my back was really sore. I also developed PND, but the only person who knew was DP. I told no one else, not even my parents.

I am sorry that you feel this way, but please don't compare yourself with others. Do the best you can and that's all you can do!

sittinginthesun · 01/12/2013 22:06

I felt like that with ds1 - took me 6 weeks to feel able to leave the house. My HV was starting to panic...

I had friends who had their baby, says it didn't hurt that much (AngryAngryAngry), and were out shopping two days later.

I smile now when I look back though. Don't be jealous, it will pass.

closingeveryhour · 01/12/2013 22:12

I know exactly how you feel OP. I had so looked forward to my baby arriving and never dreamed I'd have a similar birth to you (induction, emergency instrumental delivery with no pain relief...) I was in physical and emotional shock afterwards, got an infection, spent a week in hospital, didn't sleep for 90 hours which meant I was exhausted, dehydrated, you name it. I was physically affected for months, couldn't walk properly for weeks, had problems feeding. I actually mourned not just the birth I wanted to have or imagined I'd have, but also the birth I could have had even if the staff and midwives had been kind (they weren't), or I'd had more support from family and friends. I still weep sometimes when I think about it and it affected every aspect of my life and my bonding with my lovely DD.

I know people have said your friend is probably not having it as easy as it seems, but it's hard to explain how affecting it is to have had a very bad birth - you need to be very kind to yourself; talk about it to people; have some counselling if you can get it; try to make something positive out of it (like a sense that you know how bad birth can be for people, whereas your friend doesn't). Try to assimilate the experience into your life and accept that you had a really rough time, but you'll survive.

But on a basic level that does sound just ruddy annoying, I knew a girl who went on and on to me about the glory of natural birth and how empowering she had found it and how her baby slept so much she was able to bake scones every morning of her maternity leave at 9:30am. I hated her guts! Like really hated her guts!!!

And Flowers for the sleep and the reflux - that's bloody hard. You have my sympathies OP and it will get better. Some people just get dealt a tougher time than others and it's ruddy unfair.

jeanmiguelfangio · 01/12/2013 22:12

I am one of those women, I am actually a size smaller post pregnancy. Although on the outside I may look good, I had horrible PND and at 9 months I am only just getting better. Other mums, when I say I have PND, they say you seem so together. I may look it but no one knows what goes job behind closed doors. It also took me probably 3 months to really bond with DD. a horrible thing to admit but it's the truth. (I was a failed BFer due to supply and a reflux baby too)

SugarHut · 01/12/2013 22:27

I had a dream of a birth. Planned CS. No scar. Lost baby weight immediately. Looked fab. Baby was virtually the easiest child in existence, slept through the night (6pm to 8am) from 5 weeks onwards. In fact to the untrained eye, I was the type of new mum that other mums wanted to literally kill for how perfect I/ my DS was.

What you wouldn't know is that in my head I had the most horrific bonding problems. In that I had no maternal instinct or bond with my child at all. This continued for 5yrs, and I'm only now just turning a corner with it.

I could fit into a size 6 a few days after birth. I'd swap that (and take all of the things you think you have failed on) for not having the psychological trauma 1000 times over.

Careful what you wish for OP...just because she looks the part, she might be crying inside to be you.

Enjoy your beautiful boy x x x

janey68 · 01/12/2013 22:33

I'm sorry you feel bad but please don't give your friend any indication that you feel resentful, even jokingly.
I remember a friend of mine saying half jokingly after I had dc1 'lucky old you, popping her out like that.' Id had dd in a midwife led unit with just a few whiffs of g and a but it absolutely wasnt a breeze... It was a long hard labour and I can still vividly remember getting to the point where I thought I would tear in two and die. You really can't know what your friend experienced so don't try to compare

girliefriend · 01/12/2013 22:37

I can relate to how you are feeling op, I had a hideous birth and pregnancy (gallstones/induction/emcs/dd ended up in scbu for a week) and I blame the trauma of it for some of dds sensitivity and difficulties she had as a baby/toddler.

My bf sister literally popped her dd out, had no pain relief as 'didn't need it' and was in and out in the same day Envy she then had a dream baby.

I know not everything is how it seems but it's difficult not to feel jealous sometimes.

YANBU.

stopgap · 01/12/2013 23:08

The pregnancy and birth part were easy for me. It all started at three weeks, when my son turned colicky, and then at eleven weeks things went rapidly downhill when he developed horrendous silent reflux (that eased at six months, but it took a year before it went away).

I honestly wanted to punch the (very nice) women I encountered at mother & baby groups, simply because they had the luxury of napping when the baby napped, going out to restaurants with their babies etc. while I spent the first year with a baby strapped to me, struggled massively through every breast feed with a baby that screamed, kicked, arched etc., and walked at least five miles every day to get him to settle. I think there are about two photos in existence where my son, as a baby, is smiling as opposed to snarling.

Know that you are doing a fabulous job, that things will ease up, and do not hesitate to enlist friends/family/babysitters for minding, so that you can at least take a nap.