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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this behaviour from DM is too much?

22 replies

RamsgateMummy · 30/11/2013 20:18

Fairly new here, and have done lots of lurking.

My DS is 1.4 and is the first DGC for my folks. They have doted on him since before he was born and it is great that they clearly adore him....But, sometimes I feel that DM is a little 'too' involved.

Lots of calling him 'MY little man', crying when she doesn't see him because we were on holiday, posting constantly on Facebook about him and his progress.

Generally I can deal with this by reminding myself how she could be one of these toxic mums you read about on here, but recently she has been posting links on Facebook about how DGC was the missing link in her life and she was unfulfilled until he came along (this upsets me, what about her actual child?! Me!)

It was my 30th last month but it was barely registered by DM as she hadn't seen DGC in 2 weeks (they were on holiday this time) and when I jokingly said 'hey it was my birthday Monday do I get a card?' I was told (hopefully jokingly) that 'you don't count anymore now we have DGC'

Anyway, am I being unreasonable to be upset that I am made to feel like a surrogate that was expected to provide her with a DGC. Or should I just suck it up and except that my lovely DS has usurped me in her life and be glad she loves him soooo much??

OP posts:

hiddenhome · 30/11/2013 20:20

I think she needs to grow up and pull herself together tbh.

Nanny0gg · 30/11/2013 20:21

I think it's more than a little extreme and I think you and she need to have a little 'chat' about her behaviour...

Shlurpbop · 30/11/2013 20:21

Oh, that's such horrible behaviour towards you by your mother. I have no real advice, but I feel for you :(

puntasticusername · 30/11/2013 20:23

No. That's a bit much. It's great that your DM loves your DS, but not that she takes it to the point of excluding you...

trashcanjunkie · 30/11/2013 20:23

I'd seriously put some distance between your child and her. While he is still too young for her to get her emotional claws into him. Telling you that you don't count (joking or not) is a red flag to me. She sounds incredibly toxic. Read Susan Forwards book 'Toxic Parents' and check out the threads devoted to it on here. Sorry for you op.

Holdthepage · 30/11/2013 20:26

It is a bit odd, but so is your response. You actually sound jealous of your own child.

pianodoodle · 30/11/2013 20:27

Sorry I think that's dreadful behaviour from your mum :(

What was she like before you had your baby?

Rosencrantz · 30/11/2013 20:32

I'd be reminding her that you do count, and DGC wouldn't exist without you. You 'gave' him to her, and you can take him away again until she starts acting like a rational adult who loves all of her family.

AnandaTimeIn · 30/11/2013 20:37

I was told (hopefully jokingly) that 'you don't count anymore now we have DGC'

Well, only you know if that is a joke. Somehow I think she was not being funny....

I feel for you.

Take a step back from this toxic parent...

Because she won't change, therefore you have to....

AnandaTimeIn · 30/11/2013 20:40

you don't count anymore now we have DGC'

Actually, that is an extremely bitchy and toxic thing to say.

Tell her to fuck off. If she thinks like that about you how will she treat her DGC in the future.....?!

Original poster

RamsgateMummy · 30/11/2013 20:40

Thanks for the responses.
Pianodoodle-we weren't very close before I fell pregnant so I guess maybe she could be overcompensating?
Holdthepage - .I did feel jealous when I didn't receive anything for my birthday and she had bought a bag of goodies back from their travels for DS......see above, maybe I was jealous because I hadn't really been that close before him
I don't know, it's hard isn't it? I want them to have a relationship but where do you draw the line? Soooo confused as we have DS2 due in Feb so this could get twice as bad and upsetting!

OP posts:

Original poster

RamsgateMummy · 30/11/2013 21:01

Sorry I feel I should add, I don't for one second resent the attention and love my DS receives...I just didn't think the cost would be that I appear to be loved less.....I don't know....rambling now. Thanks again for all your responses. Glad to know I am perhaps not being too sensitive about the 'not counting' comment.

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pianodoodle · 30/11/2013 21:35

Absolutely not - DH's parents regularly make him (well both of us) feel like chopped liver since DD was born.

It's not to do with being jealous of the attention the baby receives but more to do with being made to feel like a spare part - especially in your own home!

If my mum behaved like this I would be hurt. I can brush off In-law's behaviour as being annoying but they aren't my parents so I just see them as a bit ridiculous. I know it bothers DH though :(

DorrisM · 30/11/2013 21:39

I can relate to this, my parents tell me that they don't come to see us, just the children. What a thing to say to anyone let alone your own child. I don't know what the solution is though. If you were close before then I think you should tell her how her behaviour makes you feel.

Original poster

RamsgateMummy · 30/11/2013 21:59

Pianodoodle- that's exactly it....I feel like a spare part. DH wants to reduce our time with them as he doesn't like how it upsets me, plus he doesn't like not being able to engage his own DS in her presence, so hopefully with reduced exposure it will be easier to handle.

OP posts:

Original poster

RamsgateMummy · 30/11/2013 22:04

DorrisM - sorry you have experienced this attitude too....it just feels so cold. As a PP said, with us the DGC wouldn't exist!

OP posts:

pianodoodle · 30/11/2013 22:56

Well I always thought DH's family have a very "formal" odd sort of relationship with each other to begin with. Hard to describe. Not frosty, just kind of awkward and stilted like they're all a bit ill at ease with each other!

Limiting the time together might help and a chat about how you feel if you feel comfortable enough doing that.

Your DH has obviously picked up on it if it's made him feel the same way so at least you know you aren't being over sensitive.

trashcanjunkie · 01/12/2013 01:17

holdthepage it's horrible when toxic parents get to work on screwing up the relationship with their children and gchildren. It can seem like op's reatcion is odd, but I can see why she felt the way she's describing. To have had maternal love withheld so that you have existed in a state of never feeling good enough or loved, and then watch it heaped upon your dc, would feel just horrid for yourself, and at the same time grateful that dc is deemed good enough. It stinks op!

violetshoes · 01/12/2013 02:10

YANBU. I would feel upset too.

Do you have a brother? If so, when you were growing up, were you treated differently?

Sounds like you need to reduce contact and it's up to you to either tell her your reasons or to just be too busy and not make a big deal about not seeing her as much. Depends if you think her behaviour will improve or if the shit'll hit the fan.

I would be wary of exposing children to this behaviour (when they're older) without making sure they realise that Granny is a bit daft.

somedayillbesaturdaynite · 01/12/2013 02:18

i get this too, we were all girls but i had first (and only) grandson and dm smothers with him like this, She's not the same with my dd and then i get caught up in trying to compensate dd and it looks like i don't like ds very much :(

Original poster

RamsgateMummy · 01/12/2013 07:44

violetshoes - yes, I have an older brother. I don't remember being treated hugely differently growing up. Although I did spend a lot of time with my GPs without my DBro. Happily DH is on board with reducing contact. DM is very volatile so I shall just be too busy to see her twice a week like we do now - shit would hit the fan if I was open about it. Sorry if it is drip feeding, but I had horrid PND when DS was born and poor DH couldn't take too much time off work so she started helping out twice a week and even though I am much better she kind of never left!! It is good to hear IANBU though...i was concerned that, as Holdthepage said, I was being selfish and should put my feelings aside as she clearly loves DS

OP posts:

violetshoes · 01/12/2013 23:49

That's great your DH is supportive of reducing contact. Sounds like the best way.

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