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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find it a bit odd that DP's ex still wears her wedding ring?

118 replies

purpleroses · 30/11/2013 08:02

That's it really. They've been divorced over 4 years and she lives with new DP too. Seems rather strange to me Confused

OP posts:
Idespair · 01/12/2013 21:09

Maybe she just likes the ring?
Don't worry about it.

cloutiedumpling · 01/12/2013 21:13

Has she put on weight since they got married? I've put on a couple of stones and can't get my wedding ring off anymore.

Alisvolatpropiis · 01/12/2013 21:15

I didn't think the glaringly obvious had to be explicitly stated cleo. I will be sure to keep that in mind for future reference though. For avoidance of confusion.

feelingvunerable · 01/12/2013 21:28

If you feel that strongly about it then get your dp to change his name to yours.

Fwiw I know lots of unmarried women who wear a solid gold band on their wedding finger. Most of them have never been married and are quite happy to live with the father of their child.
Who the hell is anyone to tell them they shouldn't be wearing a ring?

I am divorcing my dh and fwiw have no intention of changing my name from the name I have had for 20 years. It has sod all to do with anyone else.
I don't however wear my wedding ring, but my dcs are older and I really don't give a damn about being a single parent, quite the opposite I find it liberating.

aurynne · 02/12/2013 01:40

"So they'll not only be 2 Mrs (DpPsurname) but we'll both be wearing rings he gave us."

Well you certainly have no control over what that woman wears on her ring finger, but if it bothers you that 2 women will have your DP's name, you can simply keep yours.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 02/12/2013 09:10

I would find most unmarried women who wear wedding rings on their wedding finger odd.

Of course I wouldn't tell them that, but I reserve the right to think it.

poshfrock · 02/12/2013 12:10

My DH's ex has kept his name but they have 2 children so I think it is understandable that she would want her name to be the same as her children's. She doesn't wear his rings and in fact gave them back to him after they split and asked him to look after them until DSD was 18 when she wants them given to her (which he has now done).
However, she does send him a card on "their" wedding anniversary every year despite the fact that they have been divorced for 12 years. It always contains a message of the " we would have been married 18 years this year" variety.

GideonKipper · 02/12/2013 12:15

Poshfrock - I find the card thing a bit odd as well!

ISawStrattersKissingSantaClaus · 02/12/2013 12:21

I still use my XH's surname, it's also my DDs' name and I like having the same name as them.

I don't wear my rings, but only because they don't fit any more. Otherwise, I would wear them, quickest way to see men off imo.

youretoastmildred · 02/12/2013 12:22

I can see why this is annoying or even upsetting when you are about to marry a man and another woman is bearing a symbol of being already married to him.

I think the way to think of it is that society traditionally penalises unmarried women, especially those with children. To be married for a woman is a mark of status (traditionally, I am not defending this view). Her position (even subconsciously) may be: I was married, to the father of my children too, I ticked those boxes fair and square and legally that status is mine, so I am keeping the ring which is the symbol of it, and wearing it so I don't go down a notch in the world.

Maybe she hopes her dp will marry her and she will take it off then and wear one he gives her.

youretoastmildred · 02/12/2013 12:23

sorry but meant to finish - but in the meantime has no intention of being seen as an unmarried woman / mother

Original poster
purpleroses · 02/12/2013 12:23

Criky poshfrock - that sounds worseShock Does your DH send her one back on the anniversary of the day they got divorced telling her how long they've been divorced? Grin

Thankfully my DP does not receive any 'anniversary' card from his ex.

But actually I think what springtinke said upthread actually makes the most sense. She'd been married before she met my DP, and broke off that marriage too. I think she possibly just sees being married as part of being grown up, but has never take the vows and the forever bit of it too seriously, and doesn't take the ring too seriously either. She can't marry her current DP without losing the spousal maintenance that she gets off my DP, so I guess maybe she'll keep his ring on her finger for another 5 years (til the maintenance stops anyway) and then swap it for a new one!

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 02/12/2013 12:26

does seem weird as 1) divorced 2) with new partner and living with him

divorced is obv diff from widowed, but i wore my ring from dh for almost 2 years after he died, and i was with a new dp

DP wasnt bothered at all i wore it and never pressured me to take off - i took it off on what would have been our wa this year (march) DP asked why, and I said it felt right - it on my right hand ring finger now as tbh i love my rings, diamonds

also new people assumed as i wore wedding/engagement rings that DP was my hubby, then you had to explain that DH was dead eyc, and people just dont know what to say

people also assumed as i took my rings off that DP was going to put his ring on it

how jewellery complicated things Grin

but yes does seem weird in your case, but i wouldnt worry about it, i know friends who are divorced and keep name/rings, but they havent met someone new yet

pinkbear82 · 02/12/2013 12:35

Openly admitting now I haven't read every single reply.....

Op I'd find it odd too, could understand if the circumstances were different, like your DP had left her (wouldn't make it right but that whole clinging on thing people do) or if another situation had caused the partner not to be around any more.
Why if you had left someone would you carry on wearing a wedding ring as a wedding ring?! If I was her new chap I'd have a very big issue over it.

I'd understand keeping the ring and passing to a dd, I have my gran's first engagement ring that was passed down to me, and I love that.

Don't get me started on the whole surname thing, I will not be the next Mrs X - my dd has had both our surnames for this reason, and I shall probably do the same. Perhaps if the first mrs x wasn't such a bitch I wouldn't mind but that's something else altogether

pinkbear82 · 02/12/2013 12:35

Openly admitting now I haven't read every single reply.....

Op I'd find it odd too, could understand if the circumstances were different, like your DP had left her (wouldn't make it right but that whole clinging on thing people do) or if another situation had caused the partner not to be around any more.
Why if you had left someone would you carry on wearing a wedding ring as a wedding ring?! If I was her new chap I'd have a very big issue over it.

I'd understand keeping the ring and passing to a dd, I have my gran's first engagement ring that was passed down to me, and I love that.

Don't get me started on the whole surname thing, I will not be the next Mrs X - my dd has had both our surnames for this reason, and I shall probably do the same. Perhaps if the first mrs x wasn't such a bitch I wouldn't mind but that's something else altogether

poshfrock · 03/12/2013 09:47

purpleroses LOL ! I'm not sure he'd even know what date they got divorced. He didn't even realise it was for their wedding anniversary the first time she did it. He thought she's sent it for our anniversary and that he'd forgotten or got the date wrong and was really worried ( our anniversaries are 2 months apart). It was only when I looked at the calendar that I realised what she'd done. She does lots of stuff like this. For example her user name on Twitter is the name of the road where they used to meet ( it's a woman's name and quite specific - think Mary Smith Road). Twitter only started 3 years after DH and I got married.

DioneTheDiabolist · 03/12/2013 10:12

Ooh Rabbit, that happened to me too. Towards the end of my marriage my wedding ring caused constant irritation on my finger. I ended up removing it shortly before I left him.

SeeYouNT · 03/12/2013 10:41

yeah its weird

my MIL has been divorced from her ex H ( dh's dad) for 15 years and still has his last name Confused i don't get it.

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