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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Because I'm honestly not sure

53 replies

PaulMcGannsMistress · 29/11/2013 10:04

I have mental health issues, have done since I was a teenager. I am in fact, bipolar. I'm on medication and have been stable for years now. I'm generally open about it on MN because there is a degree of anonymity and I have received support in the past about it.

Dd1 has been upset this week as someone said something nasty about MH issues and she stuck up for me. Today Dh was asked to come in and speak to a teacher about it. Fine, thinks, I, I want Dd1 supported at school, that's cool. But then they said 'Why didn't you tell us your wife had MH issues?'.

At which point I get a little cross - and think 'because it's actually none of your business'. AIBU? Because I honestly don't know. Do I have to inform my children's schools of my medical history?

OP posts:
LEMisafucker · 29/11/2013 10:12

Its none of their business. Unless you feel it has impact on your child at school then why do they need to know.

You should be really proud of your dd it takes guts to make a stand about mh issues so kudos to her for doing that.

you should point out to the school that they clearly need to be teaching thier pupils about prejudice.

Whoknowswhocares · 29/11/2013 10:13

Yanbu.
How on earth would it have helped them to know? It wouldn't have prevented what happened. Unless it was affecting your DD in her school life day to day, which it clearly wasn't, then it is of no benefit to them. Sadly although they obviously shouldn't, I wonder if by knowing it might have been marked as some sort of 'issue' and made your treatment by them different. So no, I wouldn't have told them either.

And you are right. It's none of their damn business!

SooticaTheWitchesCat · 29/11/2013 10:28

YANBU

You don't need to inform the school of your medical history unless it affects your child.

They should be supporting your child and dealing with the problem there. Good on your daughter fro standing up for you.

Original poster
PaulMcGannsMistress · 29/11/2013 10:29

No, I am extremely proud of DD for making a stand. She's a canny lass. I'm just (not for the first time!) doubting myself.

OP posts:
DontLetTheMugglesGetYouDown · 29/11/2013 10:36

Ya bum it's none of their frigging business!

DontLetTheMugglesGetYouDown · 29/11/2013 10:37

Oops, *yanbu!

slightlygoostained · 29/11/2013 10:37

In terms of tackling prejudice, shouldn't they be working with the assumption that any parent might have mental health issues?

Acinonyx · 29/11/2013 10:39

It shouldn't matter whether it's a personal issue or not! I'd sooner pull my own fingernails out than tell the school my MH history.

ZillionChocolate · 29/11/2013 10:40

I don't think you were obliged to tell them, just like you wouldn't need to tell then you had diabetes or epilepsy or any other long standing health condition. Depends on why they wanted to know really. I suppose they might want to offer additional support to DD if needed, or promote greater awareness within the class. If I was DH I would have asked why they wanted to know.

IneedAsockamnesty · 29/11/2013 10:49

I'm pretty sure the only answer to stupid questions like that is

"Why? Are you also doctors"

I think some staff in school forget that everything is not there business

traininthedistance · 29/11/2013 10:51

That is definitely not their business! You are certainly not obliged to tell them and they shouldn't ask.

redshifter · 29/11/2013 10:52

Yanbu

enriquetheringbearinglizard · 29/11/2013 10:52

Not only are you NBU to be annoyed they asked, but I can't believe they summoned your DH to ask him
It's all very 'does she take sugar?' isn't it.

Unless there was some kind of crisis situation which was having an impact on the student, why do the school feel they can discuss someone's health, mental or physical, with anyone but that person? Confused
I think I'd be writing to complain.

LimitedEditionLady · 29/11/2013 10:55

Yanbu.One of my parents has a very similar MH problem,I dont want to say too much....Only one teacher at school knew because I had to tell her I couldnt stay late after school because I had to get home.They dont need to know it is nothing to do with them,its nothing to do with your childs education.

Nanny0gg · 29/11/2013 10:55

I think that's quite shocking actually.

If you had felt the need to share that information that's one thing. Otherwise none of their business.

What on earth did your DH say?

Original poster
PaulMcGannsMistress · 29/11/2013 10:56

Dopey Dh was a bit rabbit-in-the-headlights by all accounts.

OP posts:
MrsSteptoe · 29/11/2013 10:59

I'm not surprised your DH was rabbit in headlights, who on earth would expect to be asked a stupid question like that? I'd have been fairly nonplussed myself

VerucaInTheNutRoom · 29/11/2013 11:02

I would be even more annoyed that they haven't had the decency to ask you directly. Asking your DH is extremely patronising.

ErrorError · 29/11/2013 11:14

YANBU. Like others have said, it's none of schools business unless your DD is directly affected (e.g. having to take time off or being late to help care for you, or school work is affected by the emotional impact on her if you were having a crisis.)

I would be most indignant if the school wanted to know my MH history, and the fact they brought in your husband and not you is a bit sneaky! Almost like they assumed you'd be too fragile to be asked. Well people with bipolar are not made of glass and on medication are relatively 'normal' (but to quote The X Files "how do you define 'normal'?") They're making gross assumptions about your current mental state.

Well done to your DD for standing up for people with MH problems. I would have done the same, my DM also has bipolar, and seemingly flippant remarks sting just that bit more when you have personal experience.

BoosterBondageSapphire · 29/11/2013 11:17

YANBU, it is absolutely none of their business.

You must be very proud of your DD for standing up for you like that, what a lovely young woman.

You may have MH issues, but at least your daughter has been brought up to practice with respect and empathy. Sounds like you're doing a grand job.

FelineExtraStrong · 29/11/2013 11:18

Waves at mistress.

Yanbu! None of their business.

FunnyRunner · 29/11/2013 11:23

What LEM said. And by the sounds of things the staff need a bit of work on non-prejudice thing too!

pianodoodle · 29/11/2013 11:29

YANBU

How dare they ask your husband to come in just to ask him questions about you?!

I'd definitely be complaining :(

MelanieRavenswood · 29/11/2013 11:38

Ok, I don't think yabu at all, but I wonder if there is another story here than you are hearing - for example, was it definitely only your DH that was asked to come in, or was it just that they got hold of him first, or he just happened to be free - I think this is important. If they were trying to avoid raising it with you directly, then they were very much in the wrong.

I don't think they were necessarily in the wrong for wanting to know how things are with you, though. Children get can really emotional in school about things happening at home (even if they are not showing it at home) and teachers the have to work out what is going on and find the source of the upset. You would probably mention a bereavement, or a divorce, or something along those lines, because you know that the teachers can watch out for your child and be extra sensitive to things that may trigger upset. I know I was really touched by how kind some teachers were to me when my dad had a sudden heart attack.

I think what I am trying to say is that to your your MH is stable, and a private thing, but to the teachers it's something that may be affecting your child and therefore worth knowing about. The way they have raised it is terrible - but might it have been ok if they'd taken you aside and asked you if there is anything they needed to know so they could help your dd be supported in school?

superlambanana · 29/11/2013 11:40

I'm not usually one for complaining but I would be about this. I would never have dreamed of doing that when I was a teacher!!! How rude!!

YADNBU.

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