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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Because I'm honestly not sure

53 replies

PaulMcGannsMistress · 29/11/2013 10:04

I have mental health issues, have done since I was a teenager. I am in fact, bipolar. I'm on medication and have been stable for years now. I'm generally open about it on MN because there is a degree of anonymity and I have received support in the past about it.

Dd1 has been upset this week as someone said something nasty about MH issues and she stuck up for me. Today Dh was asked to come in and speak to a teacher about it. Fine, thinks, I, I want Dd1 supported at school, that's cool. But then they said 'Why didn't you tell us your wife had MH issues?'.

At which point I get a little cross - and think 'because it's actually none of your business'. AIBU? Because I honestly don't know. Do I have to inform my children's schools of my medical history?

OP posts:
sashh · 29/11/2013 11:50

Not only is it none of their business (unless it was having an impact on your child's education or well being, which it isn't) but why were they asking your dh?

bebopanddoowop · 29/11/2013 11:52

YANBU and good on your dd she sounds awesome

WilsonFrickett · 29/11/2013 11:55

None of their business.
And actually, none of DH's business iyswim. I bet they were fishing to try and find out more about you. Nosey and rude.

I would complain to the HT, actually. Sounds like they need some educating themselves...

Thatisall · 29/11/2013 11:56

OP I told dd's school about my MH issues (depression) and a heart condition because I was concerned that it was/might affect her. Indeed it did sometimes affect her being intime for things.

It seemed to cause more harm than good as I felt their prejudice and when she moved up a class her new teachers was told that I had narcolepsy :-/

As far as concerns being late sometimes (my condition was always worse in the mornings so I would worry about getting ill on the journey and wait for it to pass- long story!) no ore than 5-10 mins. I had hoped that disclosing the reason and going in to speak to them /apologise would help. It didn't and they contacted social services! sS put a letter through my door asking if everything was ok, I rang and explained the situation and they were a bit Hmm and never got in touch again. That was 5 years ago.

Prejudice against MH is still rife and it's terrible that your condition is the issue here and not the behaviour of the child mocking it.

Thatisall · 29/11/2013 11:57

Teachers were not teachers was ahhhhh!!!

Original poster
PaulMcGannsMistress · 29/11/2013 12:15

Just spoken to Dh again - they had him in because he was there I think, not because he wasn't me, iyswim.

OP posts:
Acinonyx · 29/11/2013 12:19

I think Melanie makes some good points. But personally, the thought of school knowing my MH details makes me feel quite sick!

Original poster
PaulMcGannsMistress · 29/11/2013 12:37

I appreciate what you've said Melanie, but it's not affecting Dd1 - she doesn't even see me take my medication, which is the only clue I have MH issues at all anyway. The only thing stressing Dd1 out atm is learning her lines for the Christmas panto.

OP posts:
Slutbucket · 29/11/2013 12:48

One in four parents will have a mental health problem at some point in their life. So they really have time to monitor this. I think it shows an old fashioned attitude that people with mental illness are a risk to their children. I wonder if the school needs training from organisations such as mind.

wannaBe · 29/11/2013 13:06

I don't think you are obliged to discuss your mh issues with the school, but...

If your dd is aware of your mh issues then this is possibly something she may have discussed with friends. And once someone's personal business makes it into the playground it is harder for the school to address if they're not aware of the specific issue. so e.g. if children are mocking mental health (and I have no idea of the ages of these children so therefore the extent to which they could be doing so) in the playground then the school could talk to them about prejudice and things to say/not to say etc. That's all pretty standard stuff really. But then it becomes less so is when individuals are involved it's harder for the school to give specific support if they're not aware of the facts, especially as they can't necessarily be sure on the say-so of a child that what they're being told is accurate.

So - dd sticks up for her mum against other kids. Other kids then become aware that dd's mum has mh issues. How are the school supposed to support dd with that if they themselves are oblivious to the fact that dd's mum has mh issues? iyswim.

It's a lot to expect a child to bear the knowledge of something without the adults responsible for that child's wellbeing in certain circumstances being party to that information and still expecting them to support that child, iyswim.

Original poster
PaulMcGannsMistress · 29/11/2013 13:08

She's 12.

OP posts:
Charlie97 · 29/11/2013 13:12

I am livid on your behalf, it never fails to totally astound me how mental health issues are treated any differently to physical health issues.

So, if you had diabetes and someone started saying, for example, its because you did not watch your diet etc and your DD stood up and said, that was not the case for my mum, would they have called you in?

They would have assumed that the illness you were diagnosed with was under control by the required medication and that would have been that!.

However, you have a mental health illness, this is under control from the required medication, however, it raises concerns enough for a meeting?

Also, how dare they discuss your well being with your OH, just how dare they.

I would feel very, very strongly about this and would be arranging a meeting and ask them to fully explain their rationale behind all this.

Original poster
PaulMcGannsMistress · 29/11/2013 13:53

Dh says they were concerned there was a serious MH issue happening at home and we hadn't informed them about it. Well, yes, we hadn't informed them because nothing was actually happening. I feel totally brow beaten by this Sad

OP posts:
enriquetheringbearinglizard · 29/11/2013 13:53

Just spoken to Dh again - they had him in because he was there I think, not because he wasn't me, iyswim

I mistakenly thought they'd summoned him, but I stand by my comments anyway. They should have asked him to speak to you to get in touch with whoever at the school.
I still think it's not only insensitive, but totally out of order.

wannaBe · 29/11/2013 13:54

it depends though on what was said, surely? let's take diabetes as an example then and say a child's parent was in the playground and had a hypoglycemic attack and appeared to look drunk and out of it, and the children started to mock the child of said parent and called her parent a drunk etc and she stuck up for them. If the school didn't know she was diabetic they wouldn't be able to stamp on that as quickly as if they had known, iyswim. In fact for all they knew the parent might have told the child they were diabetic if they had a drink problem in order to mask the issue, as far as the school might be aware, iyswim.

Children have for instance on occasion told my ds that my eyes look freaky (I am VI), if the school were unaware of this fact, they wouldn't be able to deal in the same way as if they didn't - iyswim.

As things stand, the school not knowing about op's mh means that the school are put in a position where they have potentially had to quiz dd about her mum's mh when things became difficult for her because of other children. She is twelve. It's not her responsibility to tell the school about her mum's mh at a time when she might be feeling picked on because of it. iyswim.

Original poster
PaulMcGannsMistress · 29/11/2013 14:15

She wasn't being picked on. One of her friends made a general nasty comment about mental hospitals and she said it wasn't on.

OP posts:
IneedAsockamnesty · 29/11/2013 14:34

The school should not be quizzing any child about any topic none education related.

CP issues should not be hunted for by unqualified people, unqualified people should report concerns they actually have as opposed to ones they are making up then seeking evidence for.

Feeling entitled to have info like this tends to lead to wasting time for the actually qualified people because others then start jumping on things they quite rightly should not even notice just because of stigma.

Golddigger · 29/11/2013 14:39

D you think that your husband got the wrong end of the stick at all? mine is apt to!

Yellowcake · 29/11/2013 15:24

What's blowing my mind, OP, is that they didn't ask you to come in, but your husband. Because, presumably, you were sitting in your padded cell in a straitjacket frothing at the mouth????? As someone said, it's 'Does she take sugar?' x100000.

OrlandoWoolf · 29/11/2013 15:38

There is still a real prejudice about mental health issues - not helped by reporting in the Sun for example.

changeforthebetter · 29/11/2013 15:48

Jeez! Nosy feckers!

I hope it's not my school (am a teacher on sick leave with MH issues Hmm)

Your daughter sounds amazing and is a credit to you and H.

FelineExtraStrong · 29/11/2013 15:58

Paul, have you decided if you are going to pursue this?

PerpendicularVince · 29/11/2013 16:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

uncomfortablydumb · 29/11/2013 16:30

YANBU at all. If I was you I think I'd be furious with the school, feel a bit sorry for the ambushed DH and so utterly proud of your DD.

Was it officially the school enquiring, or a nosey overzealous teacher?

rumbleinthrjungle · 30/11/2013 13:27

Unless you and/or your child felt you needed a particular form of additional support, it's not information they should expect to be volunteered. For example a parent with MH needs may ask to drop off or collect children from a quiet/different door to avoid the overstimulation twice a day of being in the middle of a noisy crowd. Disclosure of any disability or need is entirely up to you.

Do they expect all parents of all children in the school to declare all hidden disabilities and medical conditions whether currently well controlled or not? There will be a lot. I'd also be a bit concerned about staff with poor awareness going too automatically to 'MH need at home' as a causative factor whether it's relevant or not. It may be worth having a quiet word with the school SENCo or HT who are likely to know the most about the Equality Act about their policy and practice around privacy and data protection, this should not be information shared between staff in the school without your permission as to who you would like to know, and also about staff sensitivity. It sounds like someone without a lot of knowledge may have waded into this and not realised this is poor practice and very unpleasant for you.

As for your dd (who sounds great) being upset because they didn't know about the MH issues - absolutely irrelevant as to whether they knew or not, the Equality Act (particularly the component that came from the DDA) has an expectation of proactive work. Nothing should be said that is NOT fully appropriate and sensitive because they cannot know the background and experiences of everyone in that room, adults and children alike, and people should not be forced into being 'outed' or identified by a poorly planned situation.

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