to not want to drop everything because XH has overtime?

[Brittapie]

XH is meant to have the kids three nights a week, including a good chunk of the days too. I give him 3/7 of the tax credits and child benefit, and the idea is that he will be responsible for about that portion, but we tend to be flexible. I study full time from home so I can usually shuffle things about if need be.

This week, he told me on Tuesday that his shifts this week mean that he can have the kids Wednesday, Thursday, Sunday - the school days starting at lunchtime when DD2 finishes nursery, the Sunday starting at 9am.

Fine. Bit late notice, but it is a new job so fine.

Took the kids stuff to him last night at teatime, and he said "oh, by the way, I can't do tomorrow, sorry! I have to work!"

I told him we need to try and have more notice, but ok. Cancelled my plans for tonight. I'm saving up a bit anyway for a day/night out on Sunday - a group of my friends are going to some dance workshops (our hobby is dancing, but these are expensive one off workshops) and for some food, then to a social dance.

Earlier today he dropped the kids stuff off and told me he "might" be able to have them overnight on Saturday, depending on when he gets out of work - he said he would call me when he finished to see if it was past bedtime yet. I told him I can't promise I would even be home - I quite often go and stay with my mum with the kids at the weekend. He sulked that he was "just trying to help!"

At 4pm today, I got a text.
"Am working tomorrow, Sat until close and Sun until 3. Should know next weeks by Sat"

So I replied and said I need to set off at 10am latest on Sunday for my day out - I've already paid for the dancing and trains, and I'd be letting people down if I don't go.

He said that he has to take all the overtime he can or he will "never" be able to pay child support.

AIBU to think that, actually, the £23 a week child support IF he gets full time is nothing considering I pay HIM £55 a week to subsidise him looking after his kids, and that actually if a parent gets offered overtime they have to check if the kids will be looked after before they accept it?

I very rarely do daytime things for fun, although I will be going to more study based conferences etc soon. If he has asked, most of the time I would be fine to swap, but he needs to ask first, and sometimes I will say no!

It seems like he wants me on constant alert - ready to hand the kids over to him if he decides to take them, ready to have them when he doesn't want them on short notice.

BUT... he needs the money. And dancing is fun, it isn't vital. So am I being selfish?

Oh, I should add, I'm pretty sure he is planning a night out on Friday, with some people who I have fallen out with recently, who run an event I used to go to every month - the event is this friday.

Oh, AND he objects to my new boyfriend, who he knows I do dancing with and who I don't have round if the kids are in, so he knows this is disrupting my time with new BF.

yanbu. Guessing this attitude that the children are your responsibility is part of the reason he is X.

No, he is the selfish one. Even if you were still together he should check with you that you are available when he has to work, of course you might have times when you needed to compromise/change your plans to fit round him. But when it is his turn he cannot just assume at short notice that you will have them instead. That's not fair. He can do what he likes basically and you are always there as his back up plan. Then agian, does he do you favours at short notice too?

That's it - it's like I am the default, he has them as a favour or when he fancies it. I know a lot of women end up with an X who has the kids every other saturday, so I should be grateful, but...

Why don't you fix three days with him, and then childcare if he has to work on those days is his responsibility?

crossposted and had not seen your second post - he is definitely trying it on then, he can have a social life but will be underhand to scupper yours? arse!

I think there might have been once or twice when I have asked him "oh, do you mind swapping wednesday for thursday?" and he has said yes or no and that has been that, or I've asked "can I bring them to you an hour late today because we are going to do a thing?" But I have always ASKED.

I was going to say that Lily - Op is there anyone like his mum, sister, who could look after them at his till he gets back? If he has said he will have them X day, he is at least jointly responsible for sorting childcare and not just dumping on you regardless of your plans.

YANBU he's needs to remember you are no longer his wife and have an independent life. Do you have any formal agreement on days/night he has DC? If you make it clear this is him time no matter what he needs to sort out his own work problems.

Yeah, On the one hand I think I would be entirely justified in telling him at 6.30 tomorrow that I "can't" have the kids that night, to mess up HIS social life. But on the other I think that, actually, what I want is for him to just try and work with me for the good of the kids instead of being an arse.

You need to arrange strict days each week that he has them. Then if he changes his plans at those times he arranges child care. You are not his child care.
I don't understand why you're paying him your cb

I would probably text back 'don't tell me sweetie, tell your child care provider. I'll pick them up at x time on y day as planned'.

And stop paying him any money! That's not how it works.

I don't mind chopping and changing each week - he works in a kitchen so will never have regular work hours. And we are near my family now, so it is my family who get asked to babysit if need be.

I'm paying him money because when he was on out of work benefits for a couple of months he only got benefits for a single man, which wasn't enough for a man who has two children almost half the time, so I gave him some of the CB and CTC to be fair. £55 is still quite a lot - he earns less than £200 a week.

Well, having been in OP's XH's position, I am in a good position to gird myself in the Manly Trousers of Judgment (Judgypants are ladieswear) and say he should quit whining about the responsibilities he agreed to and accept that during his time with his children he is in the position of lone parent with all the relevant responsibilities, one of which is . Also, you're paying him even though you have primary residence for benefits and credits purposes? Has he no pride? I'd've got proper snotty with my Ex if she'd suggested paying me so much as a brass farthing toward caring for my own kids.

Tell your XH to grow a fucking backbone and stick to the deal he made.

He's got a job now though, so you don't need to pay him - do you?

I'd fix the dates to - it may inconvenience you at times too but for the sake of kids having continuity and clarity and both of you being able to see them and have personal plans, this might be the best way.
Suggest that you meet him to discuss this and state what your objective is - the kids - and if his shifts are worked out only on a weekly basis I'd be REALLY surprised so there is no real reason he can't do this.

Think he's starting to realise that doing the childcare is actually quite hard! Have seen this so often with my friends XHs. They start off wanting 50/50 and then the reality sets in and contact tails off. he's probably worked out it's a really hard way of 'earning' £55 a week.

TBH child care that is not reliable is worse than no child care at all - and you'd save £55 a week.

Do you go through the CMS? If so they already take 3/7 of the due child support off the amount to allow for shared care. You should not be paying for this unless of course you want to. Also at less than £200 per week he is already on a reduced rate of Child Support.

Also, in Lancashire (I recall from an earlier thread) and going to a dance workshop on Sunday? If I recall aright you posted about swing dancing? There's a non-zero probability we'll actually meet on Sunday if you can get away. Am I likely to find your BF scary if I show you how a proper lead dances?

He's just texted again. He said it'll get more regular soon, he is just trying to get in the good books so he gets plenty of shifts. He also asked if that means there is no way he can work sunday.

I said not unless you have a good babysitter. Then I said "so are you only having 2 nights this week then?"

He's just replied saying he can have them tomorrow afternoon but he will have to drop them off just after tea. Which isn't really much use to me and is probably confusing for the kids too.

Or am I restricting the kids time with their dad?

From your description, he is.

yanbu

I would stop giving him any money, especially as he now has a job. I tried to balance being 'fair' to xh at first, even when he was being unreliable. I wish I had just insisted on what I knew was best for my dc from the start.