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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to drop everything because XH has overtime?

65 replies

Brittapie · 28/11/2013 22:33

XH is meant to have the kids three nights a week, including a good chunk of the days too. I give him 3/7 of the tax credits and child benefit, and the idea is that he will be responsible for about that portion, but we tend to be flexible. I study full time from home so I can usually shuffle things about if need be.

This week, he told me on Tuesday that his shifts this week mean that he can have the kids Wednesday, Thursday, Sunday - the school days starting at lunchtime when DD2 finishes nursery, the Sunday starting at 9am.

Fine. Bit late notice, but it is a new job so fine.

Took the kids stuff to him last night at teatime, and he said "oh, by the way, I can't do tomorrow, sorry! I have to work!"

I told him we need to try and have more notice, but ok. Cancelled my plans for tonight. I'm saving up a bit anyway for a day/night out on Sunday - a group of my friends are going to some dance workshops (our hobby is dancing, but these are expensive one off workshops) and for some food, then to a social dance.

Earlier today he dropped the kids stuff off and told me he "might" be able to have them overnight on Saturday, depending on when he gets out of work - he said he would call me when he finished to see if it was past bedtime yet. I told him I can't promise I would even be home - I quite often go and stay with my mum with the kids at the weekend. He sulked that he was "just trying to help!"

At 4pm today, I got a text.
"Am working tomorrow, Sat until close and Sun until 3. Should know next weeks by Sat"

So I replied and said I need to set off at 10am latest on Sunday for my day out - I've already paid for the dancing and trains, and I'd be letting people down if I don't go.

He said that he has to take all the overtime he can or he will "never" be able to pay child support.

AIBU to think that, actually, the £23 a week child support IF he gets full time is nothing considering I pay HIM £55 a week to subsidise him looking after his kids, and that actually if a parent gets offered overtime they have to check if the kids will be looked after before they accept it?

I very rarely do daytime things for fun, although I will be going to more study based conferences etc soon. If he has asked, most of the time I would be fine to swap, but he needs to ask first, and sometimes I will say no!

It seems like he wants me on constant alert - ready to hand the kids over to him if he decides to take them, ready to have them when he doesn't want them on short notice.

BUT... he needs the money. And dancing is fun, it isn't vital. So am I being selfish?

OP posts:
HouseOfGingerbread · 29/11/2013 10:44

Although he is getting the best of both worlds financially, as his child support payments will also take into account the fact that he cares for the children three days a week. Feeding and entertaining the children when they stay with you is just a fraction of the cost of child rearing. If he's paying half of all the other costs - clothes, holidays, school trips, swimming lessons, school dinners etc etc - then fair enough, he might deserve a 3/7 split but otherwise a far smaller proportion (or none at all) would be appropriate.

Original poster
Brittapie · 29/11/2013 13:32

Further developments.

He has told me what he is doing next week. He said he is doing the morning school run tues - fri (we live literally on the next block to school. The entire school and nursery run has me home in five minutes.). He will also pick dd2 up from nursery and keep her for lunch till 2. He will have both kids overnight on Friday.

And that's it.

The school runs will actually cause me more disruption as the kids will have to wait by the door ready or have to deal with his strop if they aren't, for the sake of two minutes with their dad.

But I suppose he can then show off about how hands on he is, doing the school run.

So angry. They are just a hobby to him, aren't they? But if I refuse the school runs, in his head (and in what he will tell people) that's me refusing access.

I honestly thought he was better than this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Brittapie · 29/11/2013 13:36

And how will it look to dd1, that she sees her daddy for two minutes in the morning and one overnight, but dd2 gets that AND four lunchtimes/early afternoons? So, after Sunday, she won't really see him till Friday.

OP posts:
Original poster
Brittapie · 29/11/2013 13:45

New text. He can do Saturday night too. Dad of the fucking year.

OP posts:
Original poster
Brittapie · 29/11/2013 14:07

How should I respond?

OP posts:
KissesBreakingWave · 29/11/2013 14:19

I think you need to sneak the words 'court', 'responsibility' and 'children are not a fucking hobby you spineless smear of cockroach jism' into what you say.

You may want to re-word for tact.

YouTheCat · 29/11/2013 14:23

Stop giving him your tax credits.

guinnessgirl · 29/11/2013 14:23

how should you respond? I'd say it's pretty obvious. "well, if you're not going to have them three nights a week as agreed, I'm going to have to stop giving you the £55 per week. a deal only works both ways!" and that would be just for starters... (I think you should stop giving him the money regardless, BTW - this is just a convenient trigger!)

pianodoodle · 29/11/2013 14:24

HIBU for acting like looking after his own children is a favour to you.

Original poster
Brittapie · 29/11/2013 14:43

The school run thing is stupid, yeah? 2 minutes isn't worth the hassle of waiting for him/having him stropping about us not being ready.

OP posts:
HouseOfGingerbread · 29/11/2013 14:55

No, if he's going to be stroppy it seems pointless. Tell him it's kind of him to offer but you don't need help with that. Explain to him that children need regular, predictable contact, with quality time. I wouldn't even tell him you're stopping the money - just see if he dares mention it.

If your child support isn't arranged via the CSA, do that now - there are changes afoot which will require you to pay an arrangement fee for their intervention.

Original poster
Brittapie · 29/11/2013 15:01

He owes me £1500 too, I've been taking £10 a week from the money I give him to pay myself back.

I'm a mug, aren't I?

OP posts:
haveyourselfashandy · 29/11/2013 15:32

Yes you are a mug! Please stop giving this man YOUR money.He isn't having them enough to warrant him having it.You need to sit him down and tell him it isn't working out and is not good for the dc.I bet they don't know if they are coming or going.It's good you are civil with each other bit you need to detach abit and get serious with him.

EmmelineGoulden · 29/11/2013 15:39

Stop giving him the money.

But the school run thing isn't pointless. It may or may not be worth it if it causes lots of hassle, but it keeps him in touch with an important part of their life, makes him visible to their teachers so they don't assume you are solely responsible for your DCs and it's one of the grunt work parts of parenting - it's really good for both parents to have their hands in with that.

I don't think him coming over to do the school run ist him hobbying with the DCs. But the chopping and changing and going out on a Friday night when he could have set time with them is. If you believe his plea that it's just mainly new job and it will get better then give him a bit of slack, maybe ask directly why he can't take them Friday night. If he has form for messing you and his DCs about anyway, put your foot down.

Original poster
Brittapie · 29/11/2013 16:04

School run isn't the grunt work though - it is walk to the end of the block, kiss and say bye to DD1, turn the corner, walk halfway down that block, kiss and say bye to DD2, cross road, through ginnel, back home.

The morning grunt work is persuading them to stay in bed till 7am, persuading them to get up by 7.30 am, washing them if they have wet the bed, getting them fed and dressed, dealing with tantrums about socks, finding snack money, getting them to wear their coats, etc etc etc.

Not breezing in at the last minute for the bit where everyone can see what a good, devoted parent you are.

And that's what it is, he loves to act up to an audience.

OP posts:
Original poster
Brittapie · 29/11/2013 16:05

He lives on the same street as us and the school, btw. It's about as much effort as nipping to the corner shop for him.

OP posts:
HouseOfGingerbread · 29/11/2013 16:44

Perhaps he could arrive at 7.30 and get them ready. Or you could take them round to his in their PJs.

HouseOfGingerbread · 29/11/2013 16:45

(I know that's not really a solution)

FunkyBoldRibena · 29/11/2013 16:57

I think I'd probably text back and say 'No, you are having them on x days/nights as agreed. If you want to negotiate different times and dates then we need to sit down and agree them. You can't keep chopping and changing.'

FunkyBoldRibena · 29/11/2013 16:57

'And you need to pay me back the £1500. You have until the end of Jan'.

Original poster
Brittapie · 29/11/2013 17:21

Latest thing from him - him warning money to contribute to the kids upbringing is more important than social lives, apparently.

He does actually, actually see himself as a babysitter! He thinks I want three nights a week to drink gin!

OP posts:
Original poster
Brittapie · 29/11/2013 17:21

*earning

OP posts:
HedgehogsRevenge · 29/11/2013 17:40

Going by your posts I think it's the flexibility of your current arrangement that's causing the problems. Fixed days and if he has to work then he gets childcare just like most single parents have to. Cant be great for the kids not knowing where they're staying from one night to the next plus working out how much cb and tax credits to give him must be a nightmare. If he has them less than half the week you shouldn't really be giving him anything and he should be paying maintenance.

FunkyBoldRibena · 29/11/2013 17:52

him earning money to contribute to the kids upbringing is more important than social lives, apparently

Dear Ex H. The kids seeing you is more important than anything IMHO. You cannot keep chopping and changing the time/s that they are with you. If I am working when they are with me, then I have to pay for childcare. The same goes for you. You chose x day/night etc and so that is your time with the kids. If you choose to work, then you will need to find childcare for the hours that you are working. I have made other arrangements for the times that you said you are having the kids. What I do during the times you have the kids is none of your concern.

MerylStrop · 29/11/2013 18:04

If he lives at the end of your road why are you doing this by text?

You seem very reasonable, flexible and supportive

Hitherto seems like he has been ....okay, if a bit dependent

Tell him you need to sit down together weekly and plan out the next week's arrangements and put in any key longstanding commitments (like your dancing thing) as far in advance as possible.

You have to plan it together. He can't just text you a list of what suits him.