to not want to drop everything because XH has overtime?

[Brittapie]

XH is meant to have the kids three nights a week, including a good chunk of the days too. I give him 3/7 of the tax credits and child benefit, and the idea is that he will be responsible for about that portion, but we tend to be flexible. I study full time from home so I can usually shuffle things about if need be.

This week, he told me on Tuesday that his shifts this week mean that he can have the kids Wednesday, Thursday, Sunday - the school days starting at lunchtime when DD2 finishes nursery, the Sunday starting at 9am.

Fine. Bit late notice, but it is a new job so fine.

Took the kids stuff to him last night at teatime, and he said "oh, by the way, I can't do tomorrow, sorry! I have to work!"

I told him we need to try and have more notice, but ok. Cancelled my plans for tonight. I'm saving up a bit anyway for a day/night out on Sunday - a group of my friends are going to some dance workshops (our hobby is dancing, but these are expensive one off workshops) and for some food, then to a social dance.

Earlier today he dropped the kids stuff off and told me he "might" be able to have them overnight on Saturday, depending on when he gets out of work - he said he would call me when he finished to see if it was past bedtime yet. I told him I can't promise I would even be home - I quite often go and stay with my mum with the kids at the weekend. He sulked that he was "just trying to help!"

At 4pm today, I got a text.
"Am working tomorrow, Sat until close and Sun until 3. Should know next weeks by Sat"

So I replied and said I need to set off at 10am latest on Sunday for my day out - I've already paid for the dancing and trains, and I'd be letting people down if I don't go.

He said that he has to take all the overtime he can or he will "never" be able to pay child support.

AIBU to think that, actually, the £23 a week child support IF he gets full time is nothing considering I pay HIM £55 a week to subsidise him looking after his kids, and that actually if a parent gets offered overtime they have to check if the kids will be looked after before they accept it?

I very rarely do daytime things for fun, although I will be going to more study based conferences etc soon. If he has asked, most of the time I would be fine to swap, but he needs to ask first, and sometimes I will say no!

It seems like he wants me on constant alert - ready to hand the kids over to him if he decides to take them, ready to have them when he doesn't want them on short notice.

BUT... he needs the money. And dancing is fun, it isn't vital. So am I being selfish?

I personally think everyone who has said it us right. Fix days to avoid this, it sounds annoying and means no one can plan.
Why not something like:
Wk1 - he has DCs Thursday (collects from school), Friday night, dropped back Saturday. Collect from school on a Tuesday and dropped off (at school) on Wednesday.
Wk2 - he collects DCs Saturday afternoon, keeps until Monday morning (drops at school).

And rotate. That way be DCs know where they stand and if either if you have a clash you arrange your own child care

I have to be a bit flexible though, or he can't work.

What are you on about holiday? The CSA is for child.maintenance, nothing to do with tax credits. There are.no 'new' children in this case. Oh and RP's aren't 'entitled' to their exes money, the children are 'entitled' to financial support from both parents.

Do you mean that the ex and new families tax credits ate taken into account when maintenance is calculated? I thought maintenance was calculated on the NRP's salary? At least that's what it says on their literature. Don't kid yourself that all children living with a RP have a comfortable lifestyle, my ex pays £20 p/w, barely covers the costs of ds's snacks.

The school meals thing is just government policy. If your dp's ex gets tax credits and you have 50:50 then yes personally I think the tax credits should be split. Who decides who is officially the RP? I'm just wondering how this is decided when both parents provide equal care for a child. I think maybe the rules are based on the assumption that rp's generally do more than 50% of the care, which does appear to be more common. Perhaps separate legislation is required for those with 50:50.

Well I would agree with that if your dp was paying maintenance. I know anyone can end up unemployed through no fault of their own but children are ultimately the responsibility of their parents, both of them. The RP might be loaded and the NRP might be skint but that does'nt mean the NRP can relinquish their responsibilites, though I can see why you would be annoyed having to personally support your dsd in place of your dp.

The reason we use text and email is that every now and again he stops speaking to me for no apparent reason. Also it helps prove what has been said.

Yabu to give him any money that doesn't make any sense. He should sort out his own childcare arrangements.

Oh, I could just kill him :-(. He has been telling people that I am trying to stop him going places.

Is that what he thinks, that asking him to have his kids is just my way of curtailing his life?

OP in the nicest possible way you need to get a backbone. Stop caring about what your XH or his friends think of you, start treating this as a business arrangement. He has his side to hold up, you have yours. For your kids' sake.

Just keep him at arms' length as best you can emotionally, don't get into discussions and arguments about social lives and who is at fault for what, "you did" "you said" type stuff. Just the facts. Set up your three nights he gets the kids (if you need to be flexible, then you can do it weekly) and ground rules, and then stick to them. Don't cave!

And stop giving him money!

His friends are my friends though - its a really close knit... Community? Scene? Group?

It's basically a tangled web round here. Everyone is with everyone else's ex, everyone has about five connections to each other. Makes it really hard to avoid someone.