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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband expecting too much

58 replies

tiredoldmum · 28/11/2013 03:24

I think my husband expects too much from me and I am exhausted and it is affecting my health.

I really need some advice on what to do.

It seems that if anything needs to be done, I have to do it. My kids are grown so it is just us two.

We live in a rural area and he doesn't drive so every single time we have something to do, I have to drive. I have begged and pleaded with him to please learn how to drive and help me out. I have been sick and in hospital a few times and I would get released and have to hire an expensive taxi home. Then the very next day I had to drag myself out of bed to go to shops as there was no food in the house.

Yes, he could have taken the bus into town but he didn't do it.

Anything that needs to be handled or arranged, I have to do it.
We are moving closer to the city for better work options and I had to research the suburbs, gather all the documentation and print it out. Field all the calls and emails, arrange for electric power etc. Just everything.

Then we drove to the city which is a 2.5 hour drive one way so 3 days out of the past 5 I have driven more than 8 hours a day.

It was extremely hot in the train station yesterday and I had no water and nearly passed out. Finally, made it back to the car and I had to drive the 2.5 hours back to the house while sick.

I am just sick of it. Every call, every form that needs to be filled out he needs me to hold his hand or do it.

I really want him to take more responsibility as I am exhausted.

What should I say to him?

OP posts:
Sunflower49 · 28/11/2013 03:37

The hospital thing is not on, period. With you coming out of hospital( iI am assuming with something fairly serious) driver or not he should have made sure there were supplies in the house so that you could convalesce and not have to run around-your his wife and he should take care of you.

For the usual driving thing though, I'd need more details. I may be a bit biased, but my partner doesn't drive either. And much as I want him to learn to drive for his good, I'm not really that bothered because he pays for things that I don't contribute to, for us-so it works both ways (I don't pay the mortgage and only help slightly with the bills for example). If he needs to go somewhere 99% of the time I'll drive him there,if we go out together somewhere I will do too, but I do it because I want to, because he does other things, for ME. I help him with his banking/documents etc too, but I do it because I only work part time he works fulltime so I can-Does it work like that with your husband?If you're paying, financially/physically/emotionally, for other things, as well as being the only driver and sorter-outer, then no-It's not on. If you're the sorter-outer AS WELL as the one who drives all the time and also contribute 50/50 toward everything else, then I don't think It's right. Sorry I hope this makes sense, I've just finished work and had no sleep!

Sunflower49 · 28/11/2013 03:39

Also forgot to mention, a lot of none-drivers seem to not note just how bloody exhausting driving is!You're not sitting on your ass doing nowt, you have to be alert and concentrate and It's tiring! Yes he needs to learn to drive, but I don't think this is the crux of the issue here. He should be supporting you-and learning to drive too is part of that. Plus he is obviously of an age(as your kids are grown!) to be wanting to learn to drive for himself. Just my 2cents.

MarjorieAntrobus · 28/11/2013 03:42

Will things be better once you have moved? Will the shops be closer, and is public transport good there?

madwomanintheatt1c · 28/11/2013 03:43

You have presumably been together for twenty years with this as the status quo.

Bit weird, eh? Or has your situation changed recently?

You can get water at the railway station, by the way.

Good luck with your move.

Original poster
tiredoldmum · 28/11/2013 04:06

Thanks for the replies. This is a new marriage. My first husband passed away from cancer. The new husband and I have been married 4 years.

I am the main breadwinner. He has worked 2 months of the past 2 years.
Where we lived before there was a bus 15 minute walk away but he seldom would use it. He would just expect me to do it.

I did finally get some water at the train. It just took a bit as the vending machine ate our coins.

OP posts:
DoubleLifeIsALifeOfSorts · 28/11/2013 04:10

What do you get out of the relationship? All I'm hearing is what you give... The balance seems to be you give, he takes. It's not nice to live this way

madwomanintheatt1c · 28/11/2013 04:40

How long have you been together? It's obviously always been like this, though? If you've been together 4 years, you kind of knew what you were getting into? What has changed recently to make it problematic for you? Your health declining?

Presumably the move is to make it easier for both of you, so he will be able to use public transport etc? It can't be easy for him to work in the middle of nowhere and not driving? Will he work when you move? Did he move in with you out in the sticks, or vice versa?

I think you need to discuss it - it has probably not even occurred to him that it's an issue, if you've just been doing it all.

Otherwise, really, just move on your own and leave him to work it out. He's an adult, so can presumably fend for himself if pushed. Is he older? I know a few dudes from an older generation that can be utterly clueless about life in general.

GingerBlondecat · 28/11/2013 05:48

Shock doesnt sound like he appreciates all that you do.

does he at least look after the bulk of the housework ?

daisychain01 · 28/11/2013 05:55

What do you see in him if he is as helpless as you describe?

dopeysheep · 28/11/2013 05:56

Going on what you have said, he sounds like an extremely selfish and inconsiderate person who gives not one single shit about you.
I think you have two choices - either carry on being treated this way or live by yourself. You can still be in a relationship with tbis guy but surely you don't have to be his mother as well? Good luck.

IamGluezilla · 28/11/2013 06:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

friday16 · 28/11/2013 06:04

Then we drove to the city which is a 2.5 hour drive one way

Trains do exist, you know.

rednellie · 28/11/2013 06:24

Op do you think you might want to repost this in relationships? Its just AIBU can be a bit heated and I feel you need.a bit more compassion.

FunkyBoldRibena · 28/11/2013 07:22

Have you thought about moving there on your own?

Branleuse · 28/11/2013 07:27

hes a cocklodger

YouTheCat · 28/11/2013 07:29

So he doesn't even have the sense to put in an online food order when you're ill?

Move without him.

cory · 28/11/2013 07:31

He sounds useless.

You sound a bit helpless (surely an adult going on a journey would think of organising their own water supply?).

The combination seems to result in everyday life becoming terribly hard work.

Have you tried the brisk approach: "sorry I can't drive you today, you'll have to catch the x bus if you want to get into town". And then just walking off with a cheery wave.

Joysmum · 28/11/2013 07:37

Show his this thread!

Retroformica · 28/11/2013 08:23

What a selfish man!! Sit him down and say no you are not driving him everywhere. Then stop driving him. The odd lift is ok one a week or so but you are not his chauffeur

Whocansay · 28/11/2013 08:28

He couldn't even be bothered to do an online shop when you're ill? Get rid. He doesn't care about you OP, sorry.

PostmanPatAlwaysRingsTwice · 28/11/2013 08:35

'Trains do exist, you know'

What a silly thing to say. There are plenty of places with no rail connection and plenty where day return tickets are ridiculously expensive.

OP he sounds useless, what does he contribute to your relationship?

DeepThought · 28/11/2013 08:40

Gosh yes rural train links can be pants

op what does he bring to the relationship?

whois · 28/11/2013 08:45

So, you're married to a man who is selfish, lazy, doesn't work and doesn't drive.

Sounds like a total tool.

TheGreatWizardQuiQuaeQuod · 28/11/2013 08:57

Well, what you can do is really what you are prepared to do.

You can moan at him about it. You can stay in the situation and accept it. You can refuse to transport him anywhere. You can tell him to shape up or ship out. You can pack a bag for him. etc.

It's honestly a question of what you are willing to do in order to have things change.

What has he said to date about it?

lunar1 · 28/11/2013 09:03

What does he do? He sounds like a waste of space from what you have posted so far.