Husband expecting too much

[tiredoldmum]

I think my husband expects too much from me and I am exhausted and it is affecting my health.

I really need some advice on what to do.

It seems that if anything needs to be done, I have to do it. My kids are grown so it is just us two.

We live in a rural area and he doesn't drive so every single time we have something to do, I have to drive. I have begged and pleaded with him to please learn how to drive and help me out. I have been sick and in hospital a few times and I would get released and have to hire an expensive taxi home. Then the very next day I had to drag myself out of bed to go to shops as there was no food in the house.

Yes, he could have taken the bus into town but he didn't do it.

Anything that needs to be handled or arranged, I have to do it.
We are moving closer to the city for better work options and I had to research the suburbs, gather all the documentation and print it out. Field all the calls and emails, arrange for electric power etc. Just everything.

Then we drove to the city which is a 2.5 hour drive one way so 3 days out of the past 5 I have driven more than 8 hours a day.

It was extremely hot in the train station yesterday and I had no water and nearly passed out. Finally, made it back to the car and I had to drive the 2.5 hours back to the house while sick.

I am just sick of it. Every call, every form that needs to be filled out he needs me to hold his hand or do it.

I really want him to take more responsibility as I am exhausted.

What should I say to him?

For goodness sake, stop being such a bloody doormat!
He can 'expect' all he wants. It's totally in your power to decide whether you'd do it or not. Just say no. Draw a line in the sand and bloomin well stick to it.
He will moan and complain. Wheedle and cajole. But If you don't start standing up for yourself, you will make yourself severely ill and completely miserable.
If he refuses to change, could you live like this for the rest of your life? I couldn't live with a man who thought so little of me that he would rather make me sick than do his share.

Maybe try and work out what needs to be done in your household and how long it takes. If you're both working, then if aim for an equal split, if he's not working he should be doing the majority. He should however have time to be job hunting and doing things to improve his cv eg training, voluntary work or work experience.

He sounds a useless. DH didn't drive for the first 10 years of our relationship but he didn't treat me like a taxi service. Although I obviously did give him quite a few lifts he would also cycle and catch buses quite a bit as well. People who don't drive but expect lifts everywhere really get on my nerves (assuming they're not ill or disabled of course).

How did your DH get around before he met you? How did he get food?

Move, but without him. He is taking the piss.
Look after yourself.

YANBU but it's not as simple as DH expecting too much. You are doing too much! Stop doing it then he won't expect it! Go shopping for yourself. Seriously. What planet is he living on where he doesn't have to take care of himself - or his wife when she's ill?? This is a crazy set-up and you're totally perpetuating it. You can cope without him. Can he cope without you? Let him find out the answer to that the hard way.

I appreciate the replies.

I suppose it all just happened gradually over time. We used to live where the bus and train where close but here the closer to the train station the dodgier and more crime. We got tired of being broken into and decided to move elsewhere in a rural area.

We didn't realise how rural it was. The bus come 2 times a day and it is a 45 minute walk. So yes he could have organised groceries before I left hospital. I was there a week and he could have done that and could have visited me.

And yes I had to drive to the city rather than bus and train to do inspections for a new house. The inspections were all day back to back and no way to walk or bus in time to the 10 we managed to get to that day.

I gave him the materials to study for a learner and he hasn't looked at it once.

I have thought about just telling him you learn to drive and do you part or I am gone.

The taxi service thing did start before we moved country. Like I said it was just gradual a lift here and there and before I knew it, I was taxing him to work and everywhere else simply because he was too slack to get the bus.

What has changed? My health declining and the realisation he is just taking advantage of my good nature and realising I was doing everything!

Not much excuse for not having a job either. It is harder to look and go to job being here but that is his fault as he could learn to drive and also there were some jobs at farms right around the house and he refused to apply.

But what should I say to him? Should I just list what I want no nonsense and give a time limit?

Once we are moved back to the city, he really has NO excuse not to work and dump all the responsibilities on me.

Just start saying no? Let him sort himself out.

Just stop giving him lifts. When he asks why just say "I don't want to, the same way that you don't want to learn to drive."

He is perfectly capable of looking after himself, he is just prefers to have you wait on him. Stop being a servant. Tell him to shape up or ship out.

Stop giving him lifts. Just say no. No excuses or reasons why you can't, just no.

Go out for the day. Tell him he needs to go do a food shop while you're out.

Stop giving him money (if you currently are). Don't give him a single penny. If he's not contributing financially or domestically then he doesn't have a penny from you.

If you issue an ultimatum, mean it. Sounds like you'd be fine and probably financially better off without him, rather than supporting the lazy cocklodger.

He's taking advantage of you and your good nature. But the thing is, people can only take advantage of you if you let them.

Start getting angry about it. Start saying no to him. No is a full sentence. Stop feeling sorry for him, realise he's manipulating you to get what he wants.

And frankly, if you give him this big wake-up call and he doesn't change, then I would think seriously about staying married to him. I'm not sure how old you are, but life is too short to be with someone who uses you and gives next to nothing in return. Marriage is a partnership and he doesn't sound like much of a partner at all.

What do your grown kids say about it?

He didn't visit you in hospital for a week? That's not right op. Do you want to be with this man?

No, he didn't visit. Said it was too expensive and he didn't know how to get there. Just slack lazy arse really.

tiredoldmum
Please, please don't take this the wrong way.

Before commenting could you expand on the two of you.
What are your similarities and common ground and what are the essential differences between you?

I'm getting the vibe that you might be the sugar-mummy to a guy who's unfamiliar with the whole way of life here, but although I've put that out there, I feel really bad as it might be completely up a gum tree - apologize wholeheartedly if that's the case, but the man you describe sounds about as useful as a chocolate fireguard.

BTW we have absolutely no bus service but there really are ways and means of making sure the fridge isn't empty you know.

The bus comes 2 times a day and it is a 45 minute walk. So yes he could have organised groceries before I left hospital

Living beyond the reach of online grocery deliveries really is rural.

This is the second thread I've seen today from a woman having her physical and mental health destroyed by a selfish, lazy man who just doesn't give a shit for anyone expect himself.

You're not at all unreasonable for expecting your husband to behave like an equal partner and mature adult.

Not being bothered to look after you when you've just had an operation goes beyond selfishness and laziness - it's abusive. It's shocking that he doesn't work yet can't be bothered to even do an online shop for you. The driving lessons issue sounds like it's become important because it symbolises his lack of care.

I really sympathise op. You deserve so much better.

Husband is fine with the way things are. Therefore, nothing will change unless you change it. Have you tried controlled failure? E.g. You don't get the food. Husband gets hungry. You shrug and eat from a secret stash. Husband gets angry (short term) but has to take action of some kind to avoid starving, so learns how to actually do something.

(On food are you able to get supermarket delivery, eg ocado? It's changed my life!)

It sounds like he doesn't listen to your concerns but you could try telling him that you are losing respect for him because he does nothing and unless he tries harder you don't see how the marriage can work as you just don't fancy him when he's lazy. Then go on a sex strike, prohibiting all contact unless he actually does something.

Good luck, hope things improve.

I echo what an earlier poster said: what did he do before he met you? How'd he get about? How'd he do groceries?

He's taking the piss.

YANBU.

Tired

This may seem like a silly question but can your husband read? It just sounds like he is avoiding anything that involves having to read or understand something like a bus time table or shopping list.

Its surprisingly common and illiterate people become very adept at covering it up.

What country do you live in op?

No, it isn't a sugar mum situation. He worked in a trade before for quite awhile and then was made redundant. I thought he would quickly look for and get another job.

We used to live in the city. He always lived just 500 metres or so from a train station so it was easy for him to do things.

It is very rural. There is no online delivery. The closest proper shop is about 30k away.

Yes he can read and write very well. Quite bright really.

He does the cooking and goes into the shops. I reckon that is the least he can do.

We live in Oz.

I ended up blowing a gasket at him today. Once again I had to drive to the shops and I am exhausted. It has been 4 months since I was in hospital and I haven't really fully recovered as other things kept happening. Severe anemia, multiple UTI, flu, etc.

I just wanted to walk around the shops alone and here he comes running up and starts asking me questions and everything I picked up he complained it was too expensive. I just was exhausted and sick of listening to his constant whinging. I said I am done and started crying and walked out to the car and said I am going home and I don't want to be bothered in any way until Monday. There are heaps of chores to do and I suggested he get to them and he knows where the bus stop is if he wants food.

I really think I need to just stop it and let him fend for himself and see what he does. I have been thinking a lot about this since I was in hospital and it is getting close to me being done.

:( I was about to post it sounds like you are in Oz.

so am I (SA)

I know, ((((((((((((((((soft Hugs))))))))))))) I know I get you Darlin.

mumsnetters. Not having a licence here is pretty unforgivable.

Seriously

Some people can't drive though (not to a good standard anyway). I know people in the UK who have never been able to pass their test.

Some people can't drive though

In which case, moving from a city to rural area twenty miles from shops and where there's very limited public transport might be considered a bad move, yes?

Yes, he shouldn't have agreed to live somewhere without good public transport. Sounds as if he and the OP didn't think things through before moving to a rural area.