Husband expecting too much

[tiredoldmum]

I think my husband expects too much from me and I am exhausted and it is affecting my health.

I really need some advice on what to do.

It seems that if anything needs to be done, I have to do it. My kids are grown so it is just us two.

We live in a rural area and he doesn't drive so every single time we have something to do, I have to drive. I have begged and pleaded with him to please learn how to drive and help me out. I have been sick and in hospital a few times and I would get released and have to hire an expensive taxi home. Then the very next day I had to drag myself out of bed to go to shops as there was no food in the house.

Yes, he could have taken the bus into town but he didn't do it.

Anything that needs to be handled or arranged, I have to do it.
We are moving closer to the city for better work options and I had to research the suburbs, gather all the documentation and print it out. Field all the calls and emails, arrange for electric power etc. Just everything.

Then we drove to the city which is a 2.5 hour drive one way so 3 days out of the past 5 I have driven more than 8 hours a day.

It was extremely hot in the train station yesterday and I had no water and nearly passed out. Finally, made it back to the car and I had to drive the 2.5 hours back to the house while sick.

I am just sick of it. Every call, every form that needs to be filled out he needs me to hold his hand or do it.

I really want him to take more responsibility as I am exhausted.

What should I say to him?

" I was there a week and he could have done that and could have visited me."
"No, he didn't visit. Said it was too expensive and he didn't know how to get there."

Absolutely no excuse there. Two days, maybe, but a week? Sorry OP, but it just demonstrates such a lack of concern - lack of respect too. And didn't know how to get there? My arse! Too much effort, more like.

"I am the main breadwinner. He has worked 2 months of the past 2 years."
"He worked in a trade before for quite awhile and then was made redundant. I thought he would quickly look for and get another job."
Some people are hard-hit by redundancy, especially if they are the type who defines themselves through their job. Some men also see it as diminishing their masculinity to be unemployed, and become depressed by it. Depression can look like laziness / lack of engagement / helplessness to those looking on. It is just possible that he is that type. Although I'd expect that sort of person to pull out all the stops to get another job to restore their 'manliness', which he did not; so I'm mentioning it just for consideration OP. Did he started this behaviour before redundancy?

"I ended up blowing a gasket at him today."
No bad thing. I am a big believer in "If you you do what you've always done, you'll get what you always got." He has no incentive to change, whilst you keep doing everything for him. You need to stop that, right now.

Um - I can't drive. I had lessons. I passed my theory test easily, very easily, but I am hopelessly awful at actually driving. But I live in a city, with excellent public transport so it isn't a problem.

OP he needs to shape up, get a job and start being a decent human being or he needs to bugger off.

You married a cocklodger. Stop doing all this for him. He doesn't do it, it doesn't get done. Your will still be stuck with a workshy loser, though.

Sticking my neck out here... if someone lives rurally and has children, i think both parties HAVE to learn to drive. What if a child needed taking to hospital and you aren't there... what if there was an emergency? It is pure laziness to avoid learning to drive and OP your OH has no excuse. I would stop ferrying him around for starters.

There are driving schools around for those that are scared shitless of driving and in this day and age, there really is no excuse not to learn.

He's just using you, get rid!

Sorry OP, I formed the wrong impression based on what you'd written and thought it was a more recent marriage since your own children had grown up.
I also didn't realize you're in Oz.

It's amazing that he's worked as a tradesman and never learned to drive, but to a certain extent it's kept creeping up on you to shoulder more and more of the household responsibilities and he's taken advantage for too long without it impacting on you so hard.

You have to have a really good hard think about your own life. How much do you love him? because you're suffering health problems and you're getting older - it sounds as though he's unlikely to be considerate or helpful about your needs, so if you love him enough to stay with him, this is how it's going to be.

You have to make up your own mind, but if I were you I know that I'd be planning a life elsewhere without him, he sounds more of a burden than a partner of any kind. Only you know the upsides to this relationship, but they're not apparent from your post.
Not sure if those thoughts help you at all, but good luck.

What's his history? Has he been married? Did he raise kids? Or just live with his mum….?

It sounds like his not visiting you in hospital has been the wake up call you needed. That's a horrible thing for him to have (not done). And its not as if he was busy working!

Man up OP, and ditch him. He'll probably find someone else quite quickly to latch onto, ir alternatively, work. Moving is a great way to get rid of him. He sounds like a user. I can't believe people are making excuses for him, particularly while you're I'll. It sounds like he is stressing you so much he might be hindering your recovery.