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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

AIBU to think its fucking cruel...

109 replies

chirpchirp · 26/11/2013 12:33

To make a woman who is miscarrying and attempting to hold it together sit in a waiting room for over an hour surrounded by happy pregnant, bump rubbing women?

I probably am as I'm emotionally drained and haven't slept properly since I started bleeding on Sunday. I've been sent for a scan to confirm what I already know, I'm here on my own as DH can't afford to take time off work and my only friend who knows is looking after DS so I didn't have to bring him with me. My appointment was over an hour ago, apparently they are running late as it's a junior doctor but that's all they can tell me not how much longer I'll be here for.

There must be other women going through what I am, could they not gives us all appointments in the morning or at the end of the day so we can all sit here close to tears together rather than hearing the (understandable) excited giggle of women who aren't going through hell?

OP posts:
MNHQ
RebeccaMumsnet · 26/11/2013 15:57

Hi all,

We are so sorry to hear that OP - sending much love to you from MNHQ.

These were the 5 things Mumsnet users told us they wanted in the code of care when we did our Better miscarriage care campaign , many hospitals responded positively and fewer hospitals are operating like this.

OP, if you could tell us on the thread or privately where the hospital is we could help get in touch with them, obviously only if you'd like to and when you are ready.

Ev1lEdna · 26/11/2013 16:07

It was utterly thoughtless and cruel of them and I am so sorry for what you are going through.

Original poster
chirpchirp · 26/11/2013 16:10

Thank you again for all your messages, I'm back home now with the fire on and a vat of soup. It's helping.

Thank you HQ it was Victoria Hospital in Kirkcaldy, Fife.

OP posts:
MyNameIsWinkly · 26/11/2013 16:21

OP YANBU. I had the same wait back in August. However when the midwife finally saw me, she moved me into the staff room and made me a cup of tea. I had to go back the next day for a scan, and was told I could wait in the hospital cafe down the corridor, they would come and get me. Horrible set up but I am forever grateful to the staff who did their best to make a shitty situation that bit less shitty.

I'm so sorry about your mc. Fucking awful isn't it.

RooRooTaToot · 26/11/2013 16:42

YANBU I am so sorry for your loss.

The same happened to me a few years ago. I was kept in overnight, kicked out of my bed the next day and told to sit in a chair in the waiting room for 6 hours until my scan.

I couldn't leave because they refused to take the cannula out of my hand. Eventually, after 30mins of hysterical sobbing, they found a bed for me - unfortunately, this was next to a woman who had just come back from delivery and was with her newborn.

Shocking practice. MN's campaign was actually how I found this site. Really angry that women are still being put through this.

Greige · 26/11/2013 19:17

I am so sorry for your loss Sad

I had the same - and then was sent back to admissions to see a doctor, I was left for over an hour in a cubicle listening to other women's monitors beeping and listening to them contract.

This happened 3 times as my miscarriage was monitored. The 3rd time I got up and left without seeing the doctor as I couldn't take it any longer. Once a doctor came into my cubicle by mistake with a big smile on her face. I felt like I'd been slapped.

Christ, this happened nearly 4 years ago and it still feels raw.

Mushypeasandchipstogo · 26/11/2013 23:10

Poor you I really feel for you. Same thing happened to me 12 years ago , I had been told things had changed. Obviously not .I was told to sit on one side of the waiting room away from all the other giggly pregnant women on the other side. What really bugs me is that everybody expects DP to be there with you , when they work abroad, or that friends can just drop everything. The only thing that helped me forget this was birth of DS two years later.

gordyslovesheep · 26/11/2013 23:23

I'm sorry for your loss x Your treatment was unacceptable

MortifiedAnyFuckerAdams · 26/11/2013 23:35

Hi MNHQ. My hospital was the Queen Elizabeth in Gateshead. The care I received as a delivering woman with my first was exceptional and I will never ever forget my MW, Bernadette. Similarly, after my MC, the lady who attended to me was fantastic. However with all the will in the world, that will not overcome the trauma of holding that little box in the waiting room alongside many happy couples. I fept at the time that of it were the other way around, I would aldo be saddened as the pregnant woman to see it and feel immense guilt.

Hospitals need to take not and have a totally and utterly separate area for it.

SingSongMummy · 26/11/2013 23:47

Hi MNHQ. It happened to me 2yrs ago at St George's, Tooting if we're naming names.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 27/11/2013 11:18

Singsongmummy that's where it happened to me too a month ago.

Feminine · 27/11/2013 11:28

I had a late mc about 12 years ago. I had a very traumatic ending and was 'taken care of' by St Georges , Tooting.

To make matters even worse/peculiar , on the week my baby would have needed to have newborn checks...a midwife turned up on my front door to check on me!

Sorry to hear of your situation op Thanks

vladthedisorganised · 27/11/2013 11:31

I would add from my own experience that, if hospitals must see women who are miscarrying or have miscarried in the same area as antenatal scans, it is absolutely essential that their notes be read in detail before they are seen.

I had a scan to determine whether my miscarriage had completed; as I walked in the doctor congratulated me on my pregnancy, expressed surprise that DH wasn't with me and only then looked at the notes. He tried to laugh his way out of it and it took all my self-control not to break down. I know everyone is rushed, costs are cut and so on, but if he had read the notes first it would have made a lot of difference.

Tailtwister · 27/11/2013 11:34

YANBU, it's really insensitive.

I'm very sorry for your loss OP.

BitOutOfPractice · 27/11/2013 11:39

Oh op how awful for you. I'm so sorry this is happening.

Igloofornow · 27/11/2013 11:53

Chirpchirp, so sorry that you are going through this. The same thing happened to me in the same hospital as you, three years ago. I really hoped they would have a better set up in the new hospital. My friend was in there for a d & c after her third mc, the Dr breezed into the room and said, I see you are here for a termination Shock

Hugs to you, be kind to yourself x

katese11 · 27/11/2013 13:14

Not U at all. I'm sorry for your loss.

groovejet · 27/11/2013 13:31

I am sorry for your loss.

I went through the same a few years ago and is is disheartening that hospitals still show such little consideration. The scanners refused to scan me until the next day despite the lovely nurses on the ward pleading with them to fit me in, the next morning they refused to see me first thing again despite pleading from the nurses.

Then had to deal with the set up in the scan room waiting with obvious pregnant women then after the scan you had to sit back in the same room to wait to be called into another room so having to listen to other peoples happy results was heartbreaking.

Look after yourself OP x

nearlyreadytopop · 27/11/2013 13:39

yanbu. I'm so sorry you are going through this, its utterly shit. I have lost 3 and the standard of care and consideration ranged greatly. Best care from a very small local hospital where I had the first appointment of the day and could leave via a side door instead of walking past rows of bumps. Worst case was at 17 weeks, baby arrived at home, I called gynae ward they said to come in but insisted I went to a&e first. I had to sit in the public a&e waiting room, with the baby in a tupperware box, bleeding everywhere while the tried to find someone to admit me. Despite sitting on a bath towel the seat was covered and when I finally got called I left a trail of blood across the floor. At that stage I was beyond noticing anyone but looking back I am fucking cross that no one thought to find somewhere/anywhere private for me to sit. There was definitely no dignity or respect that day.
Op there are lovely people over in the pregnancy loss section (under body and soul) if you want some moral support.

PickleSarnie · 27/11/2013 13:43

That’s sad to hear that things haven’t changed at St Georges. I had a miscarriage that they thought might be ectopic so had to sit in the waiting room surrounded by pregnant women whilst waiting for scans, blood tests etc. I was “fortunate” in that I didn’t want to be pregnant (had only known my now husband for a few weeks) so was able to be quite detached from it all, but having now been pregnant three more times one of which was another miscarriage, the thought of having to sit in that waiting room surrounded by happy pregnant women cooing over their scan pictures whilst everything was going wrong would have been devastating.

spiderlight · 27/11/2013 13:51

So sorry you are going through this :( I went through the same last Christmas, and between having the scan that revealed that my baby had died and waiting to see the more senior midwife, DH and I were left to wait on some seats next to the machine where couples were printing out their scan pictures.

RaxacoricofallapatorianCatpuss · 27/11/2013 14:17

I'm so sorry OP. It feels like the end of the world, but it does get better.
I actually had a positive experience when I MC, well as positive as a MC can be.
The experience that upset me was having gynae treatment. My hospital makes those women with gynae problems sit looking into the Antenatal clinic. PG women everywhere. I wasn't planning any more DC at the time but the worry that that option might be taken away was horrible enough without having your face rubbed in it. The lady sat next to me really broke my heart. She was quite young and was apparently looking facing a hysterectomy. She sat there, watching all of these happy mothers to be going by, saying to her husband that it wasn't the op that upset her, it was the thought that she would never get to hold her own baby in her arms. Sad
Surely there is no need for anyone to have go through that?

NoComet · 27/11/2013 14:37

YANBU

My local NCT's favorite MW was trying to stop this happening 15 years ago. Everyone said she was brilliant with bad and suspected bad news, but she had an uphill struggle with the consultants and the hospital layout.

I'm really sorry OP that after all these years it's still a problem Flowers

ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO · 27/11/2013 14:40

Yes its horrific but al our hospitals are now dangerous places where people die needlessly all the time, care is not taken due to massive stress and over work.

I agree that of course they should be able to make special measures for sensitive cases, but the reality is, its a mircacle to get anything from the health service these days, they do a great job but they are servicing too many people with no budgets or increase in staff or hospitals to match. something has to give.

hermioneweasley · 27/11/2013 14:44

Elfontheshelf, what OP is asking for doesn't cost anything. So many of the problems people experience are about standards of care and simple systems and process issues, easily fixed.

It would cost nothing to have women who are being seen for miscarriage to be seen first thing, or for the safe surgery checklist to be used, or for people to wash their hands between patients etc etc.