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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

AIBU to think its fucking cruel...

109 replies

chirpchirp · 26/11/2013 12:33

To make a woman who is miscarrying and attempting to hold it together sit in a waiting room for over an hour surrounded by happy pregnant, bump rubbing women?

I probably am as I'm emotionally drained and haven't slept properly since I started bleeding on Sunday. I've been sent for a scan to confirm what I already know, I'm here on my own as DH can't afford to take time off work and my only friend who knows is looking after DS so I didn't have to bring him with me. My appointment was over an hour ago, apparently they are running late as it's a junior doctor but that's all they can tell me not how much longer I'll be here for.

There must be other women going through what I am, could they not gives us all appointments in the morning or at the end of the day so we can all sit here close to tears together rather than hearing the (understandable) excited giggle of women who aren't going through hell?

OP posts:
EeyoreIsh · 26/11/2013 12:54

Sorry to hear you're miscarrying Flowers

when you're better, do complain to PALS. And get in touch with a lobbying organisation like saying goodbye as they can help change things for other women. Some hospitals do get it right, so it can't be impossible.

judgejudithjudy · 26/11/2013 12:55

yanbu, can you ask to sit elsewhere? but spongebob how was the lady to know? not her fault & what a way to ruin her magical moment Biscuit

Rosduk · 26/11/2013 12:55

That is awful. Very thoughtless. When my son died as a newborn at 27 weeks, a week later I had to wait for half an hour to see the bereavement midwife on a delivery suite!!!! Crazy. Nothing like the happy faces of new mothers when you're grieving....I wish they would give thought in situations like this but I guess it is time/money constraints.

Hope you're ok

Tiredemma · 26/11/2013 12:55

MNET has a big voice. Can't we campaign for better care/environment???

riskit4abiskit · 26/11/2013 12:58

So sorry for your loss.

todaysdateis · 26/11/2013 13:01

Not quite as bad but still a 'have they thought this through!!' moment, waiting to talk about a hysterectomy in a room full of bumps and babies.

Sokmonsta · 26/11/2013 13:01

So sorry you are going through this. Our hospital have 2 ultrasound departments, away from each other. One they use for antenatal and gynae scans. Anyone needing a scan during/following miscarriage is booked into the other department to avoid this scenario.

Chattymummyhere · 26/11/2013 13:02

This is why I'm so glad my hospital has two units one for basically perfect pregnancy and one that's for bad pregnancies/issues down there for non pregnant women/older ladies with issues so you no however bad you have it in there everyone else is in the same boat so just because the women sitting across has a huge bump there is something very wrong if she is in that unit and most of us in there ending up talking and wishing each other best

gwenniebee · 26/11/2013 13:02

YANBU. I remember feeling this as I had to traipse through ante-natal to get to my consultant when we were struggling to conceive. I also remember feeling extremely awkward sitting with my very obvious bump in the waiting room for scan while another lady was whizzed through from A and E in floods of tears.

Heartfelt sympathies to you.

schokolade · 26/11/2013 13:16

I am appalled reading these situations. There is really no good reason for it to be like this.

I don't live in the UK. When I had a miscarriage scare earlier this year, the local hospital staff were great. I had no appointment but was in the main waiting room for less than 5 minutes while DH filled the receptionist in. Then I was moved straight to a room with private cubicles to wait, and I was scanned for a heart beat within 30 mins of walking through the door. I appreciate that it's not always possible to get the scan done so quickly, but the rest should be a given.

Happiestinwellybobs · 26/11/2013 13:17

I am so sorry and you're absolutely right.

I went through years of infertility, and remember waiting to have my Fallopian tubes checked in a room full of women waiting for scans. I lost it completely.

I appreciate that the equipment needed may be the same, but there should be some sensitivity to what women are going through.

Original poster
chirpchirp · 26/11/2013 13:17

Thank you everyone for your kindness (which might have set me off) back in the safety of my car where I can finally fall apart a little.

To be fair all the midwives who I just spoke to were lovely and apologised for the wait and were very reassuring about TTC again.

It just seems like such a stupid set. I think I will write to the hospital to suggest they offer a semi private waiting area to those who are miscarrying. It can't be particularly nice for an anxious first timer to be sat next to a visibly distressed woman either.

OP posts:
MortifiedAnyFuckerAdams · 26/11/2013 13:18

They are utter bastards for making us do this. When I miscarried at home and was asked to come in and bring the baby I had to sit in that room holding the box. Everyone around me could see what the situation was because they arent stupid amd yet this is what I was told to do

squoosh · 26/11/2013 13:19

I think it would be a really excellent idea to write a letter to the hospital suggesting a change to their current system.

So, so sorry again for your loss, wishing you lots of strength in the days ahead.

squoosh · 26/11/2013 13:19

Mortified that's absolutely horrific.

pinkpanther6 · 26/11/2013 13:20

YANBU, so sorry to hear what you are going through. I had an uncomfortable experience the opposite way i was sent to the EPU at nearly 19 weeks pregnant with an obvious bump due to blood pressure issues. I sat in the waiting room among lots of people clearly very upset at possibly miscarrying and felt completely uncomfortable and despite being boiling wouldn't take my jacket off, is a shame they can't seperate waiting areas.
Lots of hugs xx

Only1scoop · 26/11/2013 13:23

Op so sorry yanbu
I went through a similar thing once....I was put on a side ward with a girl who had come in for monitoring which required the monitor on her baby's heart beat continually. Will never forget it. Its all i could hear from around the curtain. So insensitive for all involved.
Thinking of you

stickysausages · 26/11/2013 13:24

I'm so sorry, this is so cruel :(

We went through it twice, first time we had happy couples & scan pics, but also a young girl telling her friend that she was getting rid.

Second time was awful too, although when things went well last time they did ask us to be respectful & not flash the photos around as it was the epu & some people are getting bad news (different hospital).

The staff agreed when we complained, but they're hands are tied.

There should be much more sensitivity, but hospitals aren't equipped for it & some staff are lacking a sympathetic bedside manner.

Babysealion · 26/11/2013 13:26

YANBU. So sorry to hear what you're going through OP Flowers
At our local hospital the EPU waiting/scanning area is on the gynae ward as opposed to the maternity/antenatal ward, thank God. How awful it is that you're in a room full of bumps :(
I remember coming out of the scan room at the EPU in a complete daze after being told that the sonographer could find nothing in my uterus, I had solid cysts on my ovaries and it looked like there could be something in one of my fallopian tubes.
I was sobbing so much that one of the nurses let me wait in a private side room until the doctor could examine me. Is there anyway you could ask someone if you could sit in a seperate room?
Again so sorry for your loss and to hear what you're going through. xx

Nancy66 · 26/11/2013 13:26

Horrible. So thoughtless but, frustratingly, would also be so easy to avoid.

Seems to happen a lot. I also know of two women who had still births only to be moved onto a ward full of new mothers and their babies.

I wish those in charge would just engage their brains.

TinyTear · 26/11/2013 13:26

i am so sorry
in my hospital the EPU is for people having issues only. normal happy scans are in a different place...

EeyoreIsh · 26/11/2013 13:27

chirp it does sound like an awful set up. my pretty basic local hospital has a separate EPU, and after a miscarriage you're whisked straight off to a private room with no baby literature but with plenty of tissues. The follow up scan is done at the same place too, it's on a different floor to the ante natal clinic so feels really separate.

If a small run down hospital can manage it, others should to.

BaronessBomburst · 26/11/2013 13:28

Mortified That's awful! I was so shocked it made me cry. xx

Retropear · 26/11/2013 13:30

Yanbu

I was once on a ward for ohss and a failed IVF with another girl in for ectopic. Other side of the room was a very young teenager in for an abortion celebrating after the event with the nurses.I had to go through the scan thing too.

Said ectopic and I cried all night,I called out to her a couple of times as nobody came.They let her go home alone on the bus.Sad

The NHS can be cruel at times.

Is your dp there?

lostthespark · 26/11/2013 13:33

yanbu how very insensitive :(

i MC'd a few months ago and was treated with nothing but insensitivity the whole way through as well fucking nhs

i hope you are ok. un-MN hugs to you x Flowers