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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to look after friend's child

72 replies

clarequilty · 25/11/2013 11:31

I helped a friend out by looking after his child (one night slipped to two, then it was 3 weeks) from school overnight each night.

It was hard. Multiple allergies and asthma and the rest (lots of creams etc) and no space (our 2 year old had to come back in our bed and that buggered up her sleep) and left my eldest (5) very tired and ratty as she'd basically had a 3 week long sleepover.

He has just asked again. Will likely be for a few weeks

I want to help, but this is taking the piss, no?

OP posts:

Original poster

clarequilty · 25/11/2013 11:32

Is it also illegal (as in I am not registered as a childminder?)

OP posts:

NotQuiteCockney · 25/11/2013 11:32

How old is the child? That's got to be very hard on them.

Is this a friend who would do the same for you?

It is a very very big ask indeed.

Glittermud · 25/11/2013 11:32

I don't understand. Has the child moved in?

NotQuiteCockney · 25/11/2013 11:32

It's not illegal if you're not being paid. But you could claim it was, if just saying 'no' isn't something you're comfortable with.

hermioneweasley · 25/11/2013 11:33

Why does he need his child looked after over night every night for several weeks?

17leftfeet · 25/11/2013 11:34

I think for me it would depend on why

Does he have a dependant in hospital for example?

I think it was very generous of you in the first instance but if it isn't working for you then you are well within your rights to say no

Sirzy · 25/11/2013 11:34

So he basically wants the child to move in with you for a few weeks? Unless there was so major reason why (illness or some form of tragedy) then I wouldn't even consider it.

zatyaballerina · 25/11/2013 11:34

Why is he asking? What possible excuse could there be for one night to turn into three weeks?

Say no!!

lifeinthefastlane1 · 25/11/2013 11:35

YANBU, I think my BIL is taking the piss when he asks for 3 nights and he's family, 3 weeks no way!

PottyLotty · 25/11/2013 11:38

You have to put the welfare of your own family first really. Unless the other child is in danger if you dont do it then I see it that really your childrens welfare/health etc has to come first.

The fact that you are asking on here if you should do it really shouts volumes to me.

You are clearly unhappy about being asked to do it again and its not fair on any of the children if you have reluctantly taken in a child, let alone one with the health needs you mention. Are your children missing out by having this friend stay over ? Do you yourself feel compromised in any way by having this friend stay? What does this poor child feel being passed around ?

If it were me, I would say no to anything more than 1 night really. But im mean and I dont like to share the time I have with my children

Original poster

clarequilty · 25/11/2013 11:38

Child is five. Is at the same school as my daughter but not same class

Family lives overseas and have children there too. so wife is here but has to go back there.

He works nights, night childminder stopped suddently leaving him with a prob

I work part time, husband works part time (we have a toddler as well) and we both found it stressful.

Husband is frankly cross to be asked (it is his friend) and is going to say no, it doesn't work.

I wanted a straw poll I guess. Thanks

OP posts:

HSMMaCM · 25/11/2013 11:39

It might also be private fostering, which needs local authority involvement.

It is impacting on your children, so I wouldn't do it.

Original poster

clarequilty · 25/11/2013 11:40

That's it you see. I think I need to say no because of my children, not because it puts me out a bit. It can be jolly, and my daughter found it fun and likes her. But then there is the inevitable bickering and the girl teases my toddler.

The novelty of my authority wore off in the second week and then it was Really Hard!

OP posts:

womma · 25/11/2013 11:41

Sounds like your DH is right. Don't put the extra stress on yourselves.

jacks365 · 25/11/2013 11:42

When you say a few weeks how long exactly is that. If you look after a non family child for more than 6 weeks social services need to be informed. Is that something you'd want or your friend. Without really knowing why or how long we can't really advise you but I get the impression you don't want to and you are not obliged to either. Just state you really don't have room for the child and say no.

sunbathe · 25/11/2013 11:45

He's never going to get a proper solution worked out, if you keep helping him.

I would not do it.

lifeinthefastlane1 · 25/11/2013 11:48

He has had long enough to sort out another night minder, he had 3 weeks to find one when you were looking after her.

Original poster

clarequilty · 25/11/2013 11:49

Thank you, that's interesting about SS. The school knew we were doing it as we picked her up. But I guess they might have raised eyebrows if we do it again. Doesn't speak well of his organisation, does it?

I feel a bit torn as she's apart from her mum (although she is here now, but will go back) and she's had a childminder, then us, then what? Wanted her to feel 'looked after' with her friend and did my best to offer sanctuary. She's a lovely kid. Guess she has to be ...

But she started to tease the youngest (holding toys above her head to make her cry sort of thing) to get attention, wouldn't eat and had a few meltdowns which took time and patience (with two children and a non sleeping breastfed todder it is a shorter supply than usual) and the bedtimes. Urgh, the bedtimes.... Three recalcitrant children on my own (my husband works nights part time)

OP posts:

ENormaSnob · 25/11/2013 11:49

Why does she need to be gone 3 weeks?

Original poster

clarequilty · 25/11/2013 11:50

He is way too chilled out about this-which actually makes me angry.

Was also too shy to ask face to face.

OP posts:

Szeli · 25/11/2013 11:50

Why do they need weeks of overnights? Night shifter?

I think it is taking the puss especially as it was only supposed to be one night - you don't have the room either.

Has he taken this job assuming you'd babysit?

I would do this for a very close friend, knowing the situation in advance and as once in a blue moon type thing - I however have a spare room AND if they pulled and funny business (like extending from one night to three weeks) they wouldn't be coming again.

Not sure on the legalities if its unpaid

Original poster

clarequilty · 25/11/2013 11:52

Plus, I think he assumed we would step in, which makes me triple angry (also got guilted as one night I couldn't as my eldest was ill and he mentioned possible work disciplinary)

What can I suggest to him for short term care?

OP posts:

Szeli · 25/11/2013 11:52

Massive x post sorry

Szeli · 25/11/2013 11:54

Short term fostering? Might wake them up to the reality of the situation

BitOutOfPractice · 25/11/2013 11:55

Why isn't this child with her mother and siblings?

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