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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to look after friend's child

72 replies

clarequilty · 25/11/2013 11:31

I helped a friend out by looking after his child (one night slipped to two, then it was 3 weeks) from school overnight each night.

It was hard. Multiple allergies and asthma and the rest (lots of creams etc) and no space (our 2 year old had to come back in our bed and that buggered up her sleep) and left my eldest (5) very tired and ratty as she'd basically had a 3 week long sleepover.

He has just asked again. Will likely be for a few weeks

I want to help, but this is taking the piss, no?

OP posts:
Original poster
clarequilty · 25/11/2013 11:56

I guess he needs a night nanny as I'd imagine moving out of the house yet again would be too much for the poor child. Her grandmother is apparently coming - but you know, that could slip a bit. It did originally.

OP posts:
Original poster
clarequilty · 25/11/2013 11:56

She is not with the mother because the country where they live was not able to treat her health problems adequately, apparently.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 25/11/2013 12:00

Well it seems to me the whole family needs to rethink its priorities and no way on earth should you be looking after this poor kid for weeks on end.

Thumbwitch · 25/11/2013 12:02

Why don't they all move back over to the UK and get work there then? They need to sort out their priorities ASAP.

YANBU to refuse, btw - it puts too much pressure on your own children and they shouldn't have to put up with that in their own home if they don't have to. Plus, if you refuse, it will be a kick up the arse for him to work out a better longterm solution.

Birdsgottafly · 25/11/2013 12:04

This arrangement doesn't come under the private Fostering Act, it does cross into Child Minding and you are breaking the law.

I would say that he needs to sort out reliable regular care.

It would be best if this was done in the Child's own home, just for stability.

I would help if he has made an effort to find care and there isn't any available, but only once more.

Original poster
clarequilty · 25/11/2013 12:07

Thanks everyone. I felt I was doing a favour, then felt put upon, then felt I was enabling the odd set up.

I appreciate the suggestions.

OP posts:
NotALondoner · 25/11/2013 12:08

Did the father work 21 nights in a row? Why didn't he have his daughter back on his nights off? Did he give you money for food?

friday16 · 25/11/2013 12:10

She is not with the mother because the country where they live was not able to treat her health problems adequately

Why aren't the husband, wife and children all under one roof? And if there's some complex legal problem, why is that your problem?

BitOutOfPractice · 25/11/2013 12:24

So the child had health issues as well? Crikey it gets worse.

Why would the mother go off an leave her ill child to live with strangers? It's all very odd

Sirzy · 25/11/2013 12:26

So are the father and daughter basically living here to access the NHS?

Sounds like a very complex situation which are are probably best keeping a distance from.

ProfPlumSpeaking · 25/11/2013 12:29

Poor kid Sad

I agree though that she is not your responsibility unless/until you need to step in as an emergency and are prepared to do so. When it is pre-planned you need to give a clear "no" as soon as possible.

NotALondoner · 25/11/2013 12:31

And surely the father could have picked her up from school, given her her tea, played with her and brought her over to yours just before he went to work? He's basically done nothing to/for his child for three weeks?

LEMisafucker · 25/11/2013 12:33

He has had time to organise childcare he wont all the while you continue to let him take the piss. Say no and do not feel bad

StanleyLambchop · 25/11/2013 12:42

Did he give you any money for her keep, or did you provide food for three weeks out of your own pocket? Still don't understand where her mother is- surely if you bring a sick child to another country for treatment then the parents go with and the grandmother stays and looks after the other children in the home country?? very strange set -up, I would not get involved again if I were you.

EldritchCleavage · 25/11/2013 12:43

Ridiculous, steer well clear.

There is no way your children should be disadvantaged to this extent for someone who is not getting his act together and sorting out proper long term arrangements.

Abra1d · 25/11/2013 12:48

Are they just here to access the NHS? THis sounds a bit dodgy.

BitOutOfPractice · 25/11/2013 12:50

Thinking about it, I'm fancying a week away next year. You wouldn't mind havng my kids for me would you?

This is the kind of favour that I would be embarrassed to aks my own mom or sister. Not my work colleague.

Original poster
clarequilty · 25/11/2013 13:19

bitofpractice haha

Right, my husband said no, telling him he had time to sort things out (he knew he'd have a childcare issue when he booked the return flight for his wife) so had to draw a line under it.

Yes, I think the situation is odd and not what I would do. The wife is Northern European, he is from Africa, the older siblings go to private school there, having been previously at school here. He works here (in PAYE before you ask) to pay for their schooling, but youngest moved back here with him because her health was bad and the docs there weren't helpful. Her health has improved. She is a really nice kid.

I can't help but judge, but then I'm not in their shoes. Part of me is Hmm that I'm helping out a tight spot for someone who chooses to send their kids to private school overseas while we're both working flat out and cannot....

The other thing is the safeguarding. I work earlies, leaving my husband in charge of ours plus a girl who isn't his, it leaves him vulnerable (sad to think this way) to anything she could say at school and I don't want school to see us dropping her off and wonder what's going on. Apart from anything, this guy could get into trouble as they'll regard his childcare issues as inadequate.

He took the girl back at the weekends. No money for food, but some soya products, we provided meals (plus for him before his work when he'd drop round her inhalers etc) and packed lunches.

Thanks all, I'm glad we have distanced ourselves.

OP posts:
elliegoulding · 25/11/2013 13:22

YANBU - why 3 weeks straight? night shift workers usually work 4 on 4 off don't they?

Original poster
clarequilty · 25/11/2013 13:24

sorry, it's not 3 weeks without a break, its 5 days a week. the shifts are evenings to early hours and he would be able to take her to school, but not much point

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 25/11/2013 13:30

he should get a live in au pair.

friday16 · 25/11/2013 13:34

The wife is Northern European, he is from Africa, the older siblings go to private school there, having been previously at school here.

So he's got plenty of money, and has made a lifestyle decision that won't work without other people's help. That's not other people's problem. He needs to figure out a solution, but you don't need to have anything to do with it. His wife needs to step up, as well, rather than abandoning her child to be cared for by effective strangers.

magentastardust · 25/11/2013 13:35

Can't believe you have been providing food too -and pre shift meals for him!
It is so nice that you helped but you have don't the right thing in saying no.
What was the bit about a work disciplinary up thread-did he threaten you with one because you didn't take his daughter one night or did you mean that he said he would get one for missing an evenings work.

You have to put your own family first , you had done a lot more than others would and he should be very grateful not trying to make you feel guilty and presuming that his dd will just live with your family part time.

dozeydoris · 25/11/2013 13:38

Don't help him find someone as then if it goes wrong you can be seen as partly to blame.

Let him sort it out.

QuintessentialShadows · 25/11/2013 13:44

This family needs to decide which country they live in and act accordingly. You cant have your family spread across Northern Europe, Britain, and Africa and expect friends to step in and house/feed/parent your child when one of them has obligations in some other country.

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