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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to look after friend's child

72 replies

clarequilty · 25/11/2013 11:31

I helped a friend out by looking after his child (one night slipped to two, then it was 3 weeks) from school overnight each night.

It was hard. Multiple allergies and asthma and the rest (lots of creams etc) and no space (our 2 year old had to come back in our bed and that buggered up her sleep) and left my eldest (5) very tired and ratty as she'd basically had a 3 week long sleepover.

He has just asked again. Will likely be for a few weeks

I want to help, but this is taking the piss, no?

OP posts:

Original poster

clarequilty · 25/11/2013 13:45

No he didn't threaten me, he just mentioned that he was going to have to talk with work about his taking a day's unpaid leave and that it may mean a disciplinary. I was inwardly annoyed as I wouldn't lay that guilt on someone who was doing me a huge favour.

Basically I thought I was helping someone out with an emergency, but then became aware that I was actually being used as a convenient stop gap. Basically asked for a day this week so he could drive her back to the airport. I my world, and with no one else to look after my children, I'd book my other half a taxi!

I really don't think he consciously intends to take the piss. But that the help was offered, it was easy, there's a lackadaisical attitude.

The mother is lovely - I met her - but I just couldn't ever imagine being separated like that. I just couldn't.

Anyway. My eldest was really upset going to school today and will want some mothering later. I couldn't do this if I had her as well.

OP posts:

friday16 · 25/11/2013 13:49

The mother is lovely

Well, apart from the "abandoning her unwell child to be cared for by strangers she hardly knows" part.

If you do walk away, you should inform social services of the situation if you get any intimation that the child's being farmed out to unsuitable random people. The whole situation has "child protection issues" written all over it.

Original poster

clarequilty · 25/11/2013 13:58

Well yes, I agree.

The more I think about it the more I'm glad to not go further and embroil myself in his arrangements.

And yes, I care about the child and will keep an eye on her.

OP posts:

killpeppa · 25/11/2013 14:06

Three WEEKS?!
oh jeez.

NotALondoner · 25/11/2013 14:07

Maybe have a word with her teacher?

BitOutOfPractice · 25/11/2013 14:13

OP I'm taking your "haha" as a yes you'll have the kids for a week for me. It may stretch to a fortnight but I'm sure that'll be no trouble

Well done OP. It's hard to say no sometimes.

They need to get their shit together as a family don't they

Original poster

clarequilty · 25/11/2013 14:16

bitofpractice no problem. Please let me know of any dietary and medical requirements.

OP posts:

BitOutOfPractice · 25/11/2013 14:19

None so it should be a doddle for you. I'll slip you a fiver when I pick them up!

formerbabe · 25/11/2013 14:27

Oh gosh, that sounds like a nightmare...I would help out as a one off night but absolutely refuse to do it on a longer term basis. You have your own kids to think about and your sanity!

Original poster

clarequilty · 25/11/2013 14:27

It also made me as we never get any respite. Both work part time, husband nights, no grandparents able to help out, seeing our friends and neighbours having grandparents and friends look after their kids at the weekend.

So we have next to no wiggle room and yet here we are being asked for a massive favour again. One that involved quite a lot of medicating and responsibility.

OP posts:

BitOutOfPractice · 25/11/2013 14:29

IT's not a favour OP. IT's a massive piss taking imposition and brass-necked nerve. You have done absolutely the right thing to say no

EldritchCleavage · 25/11/2013 14:42

It's not right for the child either. She needs a proper, stable arrangement not palming off on whoever will agree to take her.

If the older kids are being schooled abroad then either she needs to be there too, with trips back here for medical treatment as necessary, or the older kids need to board so mum can be back here looking after the youngest. And if the parents don't like either of those options they need to educate the older children in this country and be together as a family.

expatinscotland · 25/11/2013 14:46

'No, this doesn't work for us. You need to make other arrangements.' Over and over.

enriquetheringbearinglizard · 25/11/2013 16:01

I can't believe that you're being asked to care for a child whose health issues are apparently so severe that her parents don't regard the medical profession and facilities in their home country (or at least the country where their other children reside) to be adequate for her well-being
Are you medically qualified OP? and what would happen if woe betide she was taken seriously ill during the night? who would be considered responsible and how would you cope with getting the right assistance and also caring for your own family?

I know you were being kind in helping out, an emergency short-term one off is one thing, but the parents really haven't thought this through at all or made proper plans and I would be very angry if someone tried to put me in that position as well as being concerned about the little girl.

Blondeshavemorefun · 25/11/2013 16:09

Helping out a friend for a night or two is one thing - let alone 3 weeks but to not pay towards food/keep is rude

He needs to find childcare and either a night nanny (I do this but newborns and costs a very shiney penny)

Or an ap - tho one may not be able to get one for 3 weeks

They obv have money as send kids to private schools so he needs to make arrangements an have paid help

0utnumbered · 25/11/2013 17:01

YANBU. Give him a date where you will stop doing this and say he has to find alternative arrangements by that date, if he doesn't then it just isn't your problem any more.

Your responsibility lies with your children and if their lives are being disrupted then it needs to stop. Like others have said he is a work colleague not family.

FiscalCliffRocksThisTown · 25/11/2013 17:10

pleased you said no!

WooWooOwl · 25/11/2013 17:28

This family sounds awful!

RenterNomad · 25/11/2013 18:35

I'm sure the family had more notice of their need for "cover" than they gave you, and for taking the piss like that, they should really piss off.

As for getting non-nurses to nurse their child, and not paying, they really aren't that bothered about her health. Forget the work disciplinary: he deserves a parent disciplinary!

friday16 · 25/11/2013 18:43

As for getting non-nurses to nurse their child, and not paying, they really aren't that bothered about her health.

On reflection, given neither her mother or her father appear overly concerned about her well-being (or, at least, not concerned enough to do anything), a referral to social services might be in order now.

Mimishimi · 25/11/2013 19:10

YADNBU. This is not a tight spot, they just see you as a source of free child care. It's a good thing you said no, you just have to hold firm and repeat saying it when they ask again. And they most likely will if they sense the smallest chink in your armour.

I hate when someone befriends you so you can look after their kids in the odd emergency (which become suspiciously more frequent the more you agree to it). People used to do it to my mum all the time and she was too nice to see it coming each and every time...

toffeesponge · 25/11/2013 19:30

And you fed him as well?!?!?!

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