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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To wait for my prem baby to be older before going into a room on his own?

67 replies

laughingeyes2013 · 24/11/2013 21:18

My baby was born five weeks early, he is unable to roll by himself yet as he is only five and half months old. Because of reflux we had always placed him on his stomach to sleep, but used an apnoea monitor for safety.

My husband is impatient for him to be in a room o his own. He thinks he will no longer need night feeds if he's in room on his own, and that even if he does wait for a feed, we can let him cry to settle himself rather than settle him like we have been doing (stroking back, shushing, giving him a dummy etc). Currently we can just reach out into the crib by our bed to do this while we are laid down, but if we put him in a room of his own we have to stand up and bend over him in the cot which wont be much fun in the winter. And I'm not in a rush to do it!

I am not happy to put him in his own room yet. My main reasons are that he can't roll on his own yet, and is still sleeping on his front because he can't get to sleep on his back (husband will not try to change to back sleeping even though the reflux is resolved now).

Also babies born prematurely are apparently four times more likely to encounter SIDS and males are more highly likely to die of SIDS. Babies that don't sleep on their back are at a much higher risk too.

Also, baby has currently got croup and is having steroids to treat this!

DH's giving me a hard time because he thinks that putting the baby in the room of his own will ensure we all get a good night sleep now.

But I'm saying that it's not unreasonable to expect an almost 6 month old baby to wake in the night for feeds still, and I don't want to let him cry it out. I also would prefer that he can roll before we put him on his own.

Of course, husband says I'm being unreasonable! So I thought I would ask here.

OP posts:
TheCharWoman · 24/11/2013 21:21

You are definitely not being unreasonable!
Could DH sleep in another room?

DontWannaBeObamasElf · 24/11/2013 21:22

Put your husband in his own room. Keep the baby with you until you're comfortable with him being in his own room.

My daughter is now 12 months and was in with us until she was 9 months, if I had my way she'd still be in the cot beside us but she began to stir at every noise we made.

Xmasbaby11 · 24/11/2013 21:22

He isn't 6 months yet AND was perm, so YADNBU. You have good reasons for keeping him in your room. Don't move him tip you feel comfortable doing so.

If DH is a light sleeper and disturbed by the baby, could he sleep in another room for the time being? I know it gets really hard being sleep deprived, but I'm sure he understand baby's needs take priority.

WooWooOwl · 24/11/2013 21:22

YANBU, and your husband sounds like an arse.

How much of the baby care does he do?

laughingeyes2013 · 24/11/2013 21:23

We use a sofa bed downstairs but it's very uncomfortable and he resents helping with one of 3 feeds overnight, (however he is only asked to do it on his days off).

OP posts:
specialsubject · 24/11/2013 21:23

'husband will not try to change the baby to sleeping on back'.

is this putting adult sleep against medical advice? (I understand that you were previously advised to put the baby on his front)

whatever, not a lot of teamwork here.

candycoatedwaterdrops · 24/11/2013 21:23

Another one who thinks you should move your husband into another room. Do not move the baby, especially when he's poorly.

Out of interest, do you share the night feeds?

DeepThought · 24/11/2013 21:24

YANBU

Expecting a very young baby to self settle is unreasonable, sleeping through (whatever THAT might be, hah!) may not happen for many months

candycoatedwaterdrops · 24/11/2013 21:25

Cross posted. So you do all the night feeds except for ONE feed when he's not working?

EricNorthmanIsMyMaker · 24/11/2013 21:25

You are definitely not being unreasonable. Some babies apparently do sleep better in their own rooms. Ds1 didn't but I believed my hv who said he would & I spent a couple of miserable weeks trying to settle him. Then I came to my senses & moved him back in our room.

Ds2 is almost 16 months & still in with us. I'm breastfeeding & co sleeping.
It will also not stop your son from wanting night feeds. If your husband wants a better nights sleep can't he sleep in a different room?

laughingeyes2013 · 24/11/2013 21:26

I had started a thread asking for advice to get baby to settle on his back, but the general consensus was that, because he is almost six months old, he will soon be moving himself anyway so don't bother to rock the boat. I can see how that after six months he is used to sleeping on his front so it will be very hard, but if I were on my own I probably would try it. Just for piece of mind now that we don't have to lie him on his front and because being winter we are likely to have many respiratory infections which to my mind make things more risky.

OP posts:
NorthernLurker · 24/11/2013 21:26

DH is wrong. He won't necessarily sleep better in his own room though for some slightly older babies yes it will help. Dd3 woke in the night for a feed until she was 13 months - we moved then, she got her own room and slept through no bother. Your baby is though very young. Why not suggest to DH that you will keep him with you till Christmas and then reassess. By all means put dh in his own room for a bit so he sleeps if that's an issue - or take it in turns to room in with the baby. If dh is in a seperate room I would recommend a nocturnal surprise visit for a shag if possible, assuming that's on your menu atm. Something a tiny bit out of the ordinary will grease the marital wheels a bit Grin

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 24/11/2013 21:26

YANBU but your DH is very!

Being in another room does not guarantee your DS will not want night feeds. My DS still woke up for feeds months after we put him in his room at 9 months.

Plus, leaving him to cry himself to sleep is horrible and actually the cry it out method isn't recommended until 6 months. And yes you're right, SIDS is 6 months in their own room.

SuiGeneris · 24/11/2013 21:26

YADNBU, your H is VU. Keep DS in the room with you until you feel happy. And feed him until he no longer needs/wants to. As others have said, let DH sleep in his own room when he wants a good night's sleep.

jeanmiguelfangio · 24/11/2013 21:26

YADNBU my DD moved into her own room at 7 and half months and she was born at exactly 40 weeks. I didn't want to move her, my DH said we would move her when I was happy, he said he would move her when I was ready. You need support right now, especially with the stress and emotional needs of a preemie

laughingeyes2013 · 24/11/2013 21:27

I do all the night feeds, but I do express and occasionally I go to a formula feed so that husband can feed with a bottle. He only is asked to do this when he's on a day off though, so whenever he is working he gets to sleep uninterrupted the whole night.

OP posts:
Lilliana · 24/11/2013 21:27

Our dd was 9 months before she went in her room and didn't have any issues it was just what me and dh felt was right for her. She woke to feed at least once a night until 9 months which I think is normal but I will add she slept through the night from the day we moved her! I do genuinely feel that she was ready which is why she moved out and do not think the same would have happened at 6 months.

I would want lo to stay with me in the situation you describe but hard as dh feels differently. Sorry no help but yanbu.

flatmum · 24/11/2013 21:29

Yanbu. Official advice is 6 months at the earliest but that's 7 month corrected for him surely? And they don't just magically stop waking up and needing attention when you put them in their own room lol. No rush id say. It shard being woken up but to a certain extent he has to suck it up and get used to it. They still wake you up when they're in their own room sometimes - illness, nightmares, wetting the bed, falling out o bed etcetc. Can he sleep in the other room for a bit maybe since it's bothering him more than you?

laughingeyes2013 · 24/11/2013 21:29

DH has said only yesterday that he wouldn't put pressure on me to move the baby in his own room, but today he wouldn't stop talking about it.

I'm a bit peeved because I've currently got high-temperature myself and I'm not feeling terribly well so really don't need the hassle. But out of fairness I did want to come and see if I was being unreasonable, so I appreciate all the feedback.

OP posts:
NorthernLurker · 24/11/2013 21:30

Just to clarify - my shagging advice is not because 'poor' dh needs some affection blah blah, It's because IF you sleep in seperate rooms it's very easy for a sex life to dwindle and if that's not something you're used to it can cause more problems for both of you than sleeping apart has solved - iyswim?

laughingeyes2013 · 24/11/2013 21:31

I have no intentions of getting him cry it out. However, I suppose the message to me is that I am going to do all the nighttime settling alone once he's in the room of his own.

OP posts:
laughingeyes2013 · 24/11/2013 21:32

Northern - I suspect that you are probably right. I think sex probably is part of the issue and I can understand it. We're both so tired currently and we go to bed ridiculously early because we both have a three year old to deal with in the daytime too!

OP posts:
ScottishInSwitzerland · 24/11/2013 21:34

I have had two prem babies and I'm sure the advice is to have them in with you until they are six months adjusted. Maybe you could look on the bliss website to find something to back that up.

But leaving aside the specifics of advice yadnbu to want to keep your baby in with you.

My eldest was about 6 1/2 months adjusted when she went into her own room and my youngest was a little over a year adjusted (!!).

I felt the same as you with both of mine - that there are increased risks of SIDS so I wanted to do anything I could to reduce the risk.

Can you explain how you feel to your husband ?

laughingeyes2013 · 24/11/2013 21:36

I have explained it, but he thinks that because this is my second and last baby, that I am just hanging on to the baby stage.

OP posts:
NorthernLurker · 24/11/2013 21:36

Ah right - yes he's thinking get baby out of the room and laughing will suddenly morph in to vamp with endless sexual energy........Hmm God love him, I bet he hasn't got the energy himself.

Ok - set a timescale on when you will talk about this again because now isn't the right time for the baby or for you and if you possibly can do spring a bit of action on him. What's your sofa like? Any shag possibilities whilst he's thinking of watching Topgear. Casually barricade the door if you're worried about 3 yr old walking in. (Can you tell I've got three dcs and we shared a room with the youngest for over a year....Grin)