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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To give myself a year off

80 replies

strugglinginsilence · 24/11/2013 20:28

Over the past three years I have been widowed, been through cancer and supported my daughter through cancer. I have a stressful job which never lets up, although I do love it. I just feel emotionally drained and feel I need to spend some time dealing with my grief. I spent so much time trying to help my three DC and my poor MIL I never really dealt with my own misery. This weekend it has struck me that with all three DC at uni and reasonable savings I could give myself a year. Whilst I know it would have an impact on my standard of living it would only be fripperies I could easily do without, the DC's allowances would remain unchanged. The more I think about it the more I want to do it however when I mentioned it to my sister just now she said it was stupid and selfish. WWYD?

OP posts:

ivykaty44 · 24/11/2013 20:32

Would you be able to easily get back into work after a year?

If so then I would say go for it - what your sister thinks isn't really important as she hasn't lived your life for the last three years and is not you. If you need time to re-evaluate your life then do it

this isn't a dress rehearsal we get one chance and sometimes we need to put ourselves first otherwise we will never be any use to others anyway

formerbabe · 24/11/2013 20:33

Absolutely not selfish or stupid.

You have been through so much...just one of those things could flatten a person.

As far as your finances allow, have as much time off as you can, and a long holiday.

Sounds like you deserve it x

Jinsei · 24/11/2013 20:33

Of course it's not stupid, or selfish! It sounds like you desperately need some time just for you - you've been through such a lot, and it sounds like you've done a fantastic job of supporting others. Now it's time to focus on your needs.

My only worry is what will happen after your year out. Could you return to your current job quite easily?

BonaDea · 24/11/2013 20:34

Your sister sounds a right charmer.

Do it. Heal.

BsshBossh · 24/11/2013 20:35

Would your work agree to a sabbatical/some kind of agreement to keep your job open. The benefits to them would be returning to the post fresher and better.

Big hugs and to you though. What a time you've had .

kohl · 24/11/2013 20:38

It sounds like you've been through a hellish whirlwind. If time out is what you feel you need then you should certainly take it to process everything that has happened.
My only concern would be (because I know how I am without a reason to get up each day) the chance of you spiralling downwards without some kind of structure to your days?
I can't understand why your sister would think it was selfish. Are there good friends/other family members around with whom you could talk through your plans?
If you're able, and it's what you want to do, it sounds eminently sensible.

Original poster

strugglinginsilence · 24/11/2013 21:23

I have no doubt I could get another job although probably not at the level I work at now. At the moment I leave for work at 6.30 am and return at 6.30pm at the earliest and I just feel I am existing not living. I am putting my feelings on the back burner, apart the day my DD got the all clear, I have not felt a moments happiness since my DH died. I was 18 when we met at Fresher's and 49 when he died(completely unexpectedly). I just feel working is not helping so maybe it is time to try another route.

My sister divorced last year and is adamant it is easier to be bereaved plus she is constantly asking me for money so I do think she feels I might stop being so generous. Which I would have done anyway, she owes me tens of thousands and still only works 10 hours a week even though her youngest is 14 and I know she has been offered more hours. So I already felt it was ridiculous I was working such long hours to pay her bills.

I just want to feel there is more to life than work. Now all my DC have left home I am just existing and I feel there must be a way forward. My GP is lovely and he is convinced I need intensive grief counselling which is just not compatible with work.

OP posts:

TwoStepsBeyond · 24/11/2013 21:26

Maybe your sister is worried that if you're not earning as much she won't be able to,freeload off you. Ignore her, she's just jealous that she's not in a position to do it. Take time to take care of yourself, do some things that really excite you, new experiences, travel, learning new things, whatever floats your boat to help you find yourself again. You deserve it.

greenfolder · 24/11/2013 21:28

Lordy yanbu at all. Make your plans.

CailinDana · 24/11/2013 21:28

Your sister sounds like the stupid selfish one. She sees you as a cash cow and doesn't care about your wellbeing.

potatofactory · 24/11/2013 21:29

I agree with kohl re the danger of spiralling downwards with no structure to days... But in theory the rest sounds needed.

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 24/11/2013 21:29

Do it. You have one life. No do overs. If you have the means do it.

And anyway, one door closes a window opens. Who knows what the year could bring? Sounds exciting.

Wishing you luck x

puntasticusername · 24/11/2013 21:31

She owes you tens of thousands of pounds and thinks "it is easier to be bereaved"?

Fuck ooooooooooffffff

Don't do a single thing your "D"S advises, for a start.

I'd take the year, if I were you. It sounds like what you want to do, and it's entirely reasonable. Do it and enjoy it.

LoveandLife · 24/11/2013 21:32

I was going to ask why does your sister think it's selfish, who does it affect apart from you but now it has become very clear who's being selfish.

Absolutely do it. I would echo previous poster who said you will need some structure to youre day/ a reason to get up inthe morning but go for it, enjoy it and start to heal

waltermittymissus · 24/11/2013 21:33

Take your year off and stop giving your horrible sister money!

Tell her to pay you back as it's your pension fund.

HappyAsASandboy · 24/11/2013 21:33

I think you should do whatever you think you need to do to stop feeling like you're just existing.

If your GP thinks you need grief counselling that isn't compatible with work, would s/he help negotiate a significant period of leave from work? It'd be a good deal for your employers as they wouldn't have to pay sick leave and would retain an experienced employee in the long run?

Shakey1500 · 24/11/2013 21:34

Blimey. Do it in a heartbeat. It's your life- go and live it.

Climb a mountain, do an Italian cookery whatsit, paint in France, dip your toe in the oceans or do whatever it is you dream of doing.

Your sister has a bunch of sour grapes.

Enjoy

DontmindifIdo · 24/11/2013 21:34

Ignore your sister, she's not got what's best for you at heart.

Could you ask work for a 6-12 month unpaid sabatical? A lot of places would negotiate one. You could give yourself that time, be safe you have a job to go back to (unless you find something better suited for you and resign) so not have to stress or think about that. It's worth asking first, even if they don't advertise the fact they offer them, a lot of companies will allow something like this. (I know a few people who've had years off to 'write a book' which never ended up published, they could have just spent the year having lie ins and eating cake...)

I'd also ask your sister when she plans to start paying back the money she owes you.

MrsMoon76 · 24/11/2013 21:35

Sorry but its YOU that's being selfish? I don't think so.....take your year off and stop bailing out your sister. And being widowed is easier than a divorce? Jesus weep. Words fail.

Original poster

strugglinginsilence · 24/11/2013 21:35

I was thinking of doing a Masters to keep me busy but just having a rest, maybe getting a puppy, I feel my life is too structured. I just want to be selfish and self-indulgent!

OP posts:

popcornpaws · 24/11/2013 21:37

Do it. I was in a very similar situation and took a year "out".
It was the best thing I have done for myself (and my family).
I healed a lot in that year, time with no distractions in some ways saved me. I found a new job no problem, I had no intention of going back to my old one. Don't waste time listening to other peoples worries regarding finding a new job etc, things work out.

MrsGarlic · 24/11/2013 21:38

Can you ask for a year's sabbatical, rather than giving up entirely? Then you'd have peace of mind that you have a job to go back to, should you decide you want to go back to it.

Your sister sounds like a bit of a freeloader to be honest. And rude to boot. "Easier to be bereaved"?! What an unbelievable thing to say. Take a year off if you want to. Ignore her.

PrincessFlirtyPants · 24/11/2013 21:38

My sister divorced last year and is adamant it is easier to be bereaved

Has got to be one of the most callous things I've heard in a long time.

Please take the time off, you need it.

DontmindifIdo · 24/11/2013 21:38

Go speak to work tomorrow. HR or your boss. Start finding out what's possible. Get the ball rolling.

You are allowed to put yourself first you know.

Helpyourself · 24/11/2013 21:39

Oh you poor thing, your sister sounds really awful.
I agree about asking for a sabbatical and having some plans.

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