To give myself a year off

[strugglinginsilence]

Over the past three years I have been widowed, been through cancer and supported my daughter through cancer. I have a stressful job which never lets up, although I do love it. I just feel emotionally drained and feel I need to spend some time dealing with my grief. I spent so much time trying to help my three DC and my poor MIL I never really dealt with my own misery. This weekend it has struck me that with all three DC at uni and reasonable savings I could give myself a year. Whilst I know it would have an impact on my standard of living it would only be fripperies I could easily do without, the DC's allowances would remain unchanged. The more I think about it the more I want to do it however when I mentioned it to my sister just now she said it was stupid and selfish. WWYD?

Another one supporting a very wise choice.
Stop and think and walk and paint and learn and read and think some more and spend less and simplify and wander and read some more.

And ignore your sister.

My God OP you have been through so much. You need to take this time out for yourself, its time to put yourself first.

Your sister sounds toxic tbh and I would also be taking a year out from her!

I would tell your sister with the money she owes you (x) being paid back next year at the rate of (X/12) next year, you can afford to take a year out.

She is beyond fucking belief. Divorce is shattering if you weren't the one wanting or expecting it :( It is nothing NOTHING compared to being suddenly bereaved and I am astounded that the selfish cow even thought it, let alone said it.

Please, no matter what, stop acting like a sodding cash flow machine - she is using you and taking advantage of you - especially since you have been so vulnerable :(

As for taking a year off - whilst it might seem like a lovely idea, I worry that you would flounder, feel loney, depressed and even more alone than you do now. How about planning a long holiday or going part time or something instead?

YANBU. I know it's a cliché but no-one looks back and wishes they'd spent more time at work.

If you can afford it then do it. No question. Be kind to yourself & sod what your sister says.

YANBU OP - could you arrange an unpaid sabbatical? You could even keep your options open for a bit by asking for a couple of months' leave or asking your GP if he would be prepared to sign you off sick for a while, so you can grieve and have some space to think and plan. Then you could decide about what you want to do about work with a clearer head. It might not be as stark as give up and leave or continue as you are - you could go part-time, negotiate a different role, have a secondment, take a longer sabbatical. But it sounds like you need a couple of months just to even start processing everything you've been through and beginning to grieve properly.

Sounds like a "gap year" would do you a power of good.
Resign tomorrow. Tell them why.
Sabbaticals are splendid things.

Your sister sounds delightful.

From what you've said, it doesn't sound like your sister has your best interests at heart, because she sounds absolutely selfish. So you can discount that advice. If you feel that you need a break, then take it. I like the suggestion of a sabbatical as well, just so you know that there is something to go back to at the end of it. Maybe make some plans about what you would like to do eg would you like to go abroad for a while? Sometimes the change of different circumstances can give you a much-needed different perspective on yourself, when you see how you can be in different surroundings. It needn't be anything too dramatic - art courses, cookery courses, long hikes etc.

So sorry tou've been through all this.
I agree with the other posters.
Make a plan and take a year out.
Enlist the help of your GP to be signed off for a while and negociate a sabbatical with work.
Book yourself 3-4 holidays, counselling and take up a hobby.
I would.

Echo all of the above. You do what you need to and don't for one second feel you have to justify anything to anyone, especially your sister.

You've had a horrendous time and clearly need some space. Echo the sabbatical and structure to your day thoughts. They're easy to do however

Good luck :). What an exciting adventure.

I think it is a marvellous idea.

What would you like to do?

Travel?
Chill?
Voluntary work?
Learn a new skill?
Recharge?

I don't want to paint my sister as a bad guy, she was shattered when it turned out that her DH had been having an affair for three years and was maintaining a flat for his other woman. I think she feels that at least I know DH loved me to the end. She does help me on a practical basis and I didn't mind lending her the money whilst she recovered from the shock.

My DH died from SAD (sudden adult death syndrome) and I just miss him so much. The silly jokes, the random texts and the feeling of being cherished. I just want to step off the rollercoaster for a while. My boss would be sympathetic but I think if there were any problems and I was on a sabbatical I would get a phone call.

then go to places where there is no phone signal

here's what a friend of mine did last year
www.caminoadventures.com/camino-routes/
she's not religious, it was just the chance of a lifetime

Can you take a sabbatical? This is something my employer alllows..I know that doesn't work for everyone. Also, a year off later in your career is probably unlikely to affect earnings.

Not sticking up for sister in ANY way but...it IS always easy to look at someone else's situation and see the ways in which it's better than yours, and not fully appreciate the worse sides. And I'm sure her marital breakdown was very painful for her. However, that doesn't excuse her from making blanket idiotic statements such as "it is easier to be bereaved"...

And I'm very sorry for your loss, op, should have said that much earlier

Wow struggling you have been through so much. I'm genuinely sorry for your loss It sounds like you know yourself and what you need.

On the sister front : have you approached the idea of a repayment plan? That is a lot of money.

Having lost someone I loved I wouldn't want to lose another person over money however I do feel she needs to start standing on her own feet. She is as well qualified as I am, just chose not to work, her ex DH earns a lot and she always criticised our way of life, I always worked because I loved it. My DH was a doctor and it was a true vocation for him but her DH was always motivated by money. She is not a bad person just has got into the habit of expecting others to provide.

I just want peace of mind. I know my GP would sign me off sick but I feel that would be cheating my employer since they would have to fund a replacement.

If ever there was a 'JFDI' situation, this is it.

finance and situation may not allow lengthy travels, but perhaps think about some time away somewhere that appeals to you, UK or otherwise. Give yourself time not to have to shop at peak hours, to do all the things to your house and garden that you want, to go for long walks.

as for the 'no reason to get up in the morning' - no-one in normal mental health should have that as a problem. Chuck the clock away, do what you need to do and what you want at YOUR pace.

I wish you all the best. As others say, this is not a rehearsal.

Do it.

Walk, nap, pile up all the books you havent had a chance to read and start making your way through them.

Join clubs or classes if you feel so inclined or learn a language.

You get one life.and as you know, they can and do end or change unexpectedly. Live yours.

I have been bereaved, I am also divorced (not my choice).

Your sister has absolutely no idea what she is talking about.
She sounds completely selfish and a user.

Get a payment plan in place for her to pay you back and ignore her pathetic excuses as to why she can't do it.

Would you be able to book some noise leave? Maybe go away to a retreat so you are still with other people so people don't bother you, my only concern with your plan is the loss of your job may be like another bereavement and it seems like its the structure that keeps you going, but If you think it's right for you go for it.

Please do it. Take a break, travel, get a puppy and just take some breathing space. If you are in a position to do it, no one who really loves you is going to have a bad word to say about it. I bet your daughters support you doing it?

OK well although I think your sister needs a good talking to, I think that it's not uncommon to think it must be easier if someone who loves you dies than if they betray you, lie to you and then bugger off with another woman, never giving you another thought.

I would say to your employer that your doctor wants you to have several months off work and that you can either go off sick or go on a year's sabbatical. If you do the latter, they'll only be paying one salary; if you do the former, they'll pay two.

Would you have enough money to go off and travel? I know when your children are at university you still need to be around, but would you be able to go off for a few months to another country?

Oh please a&e some time off. Don't try anything as challenging as a Masters. Just enjoy some downtime and pottering.

You have been through so much give yourself a break.

A&e !! Should be take

Put your needs first. It's time you did.