To expect that partners should - broadly speaking - have access to the same lifestyle?

[PosyNarker]

By this I mean, that if a couple are married or are living together with a similar level commitment, that any income disparity between the couple should not be glaringly obvious? Or that (excluding the very rich and massive inheritances), they should have a similar enough disposable income that they could do / buy the same things?

I do know there are really good reasons why this isn't the case for some families (blended families, maintenance payments, aforementioned wealthy etc.), but for the rest, surely this is the norm?

My experience growing up was that both my parents had access to whatever they needed. Sometimes it wasn't enough, but when there was surplus, if dad wanted a gadget or mum wanted a handbag they're quite traditional then they got it. This is also how myself and DP work.

From what I see with friends and close family this isn't the norm. I have so many female friends who have gone part time to look after DC and can't afford this, or that, but have DP buying £2k laptops, £1k cameras. One was asking her DP for a hair dye and cut for her birthday, when said DP is decked out in designer (for work ).

I have other friends though where I really want to scream - independence is the ability to look after yourself and any dependants if and when you need to, not the ability to pay 50% of the bills regardless. They make sacrifices they don't even register then respond to invites or buy things for themselves based on their income rather than the income they have facilitated.

FWIW I lose out by our arrangement and I have no DC so I have no axe to grind. I just think that a family ought to have the same standard of living. I do and likely always will earn more than DP unless he builds a start-up, but I couldn't not share, because we support each other 100%.

Well I'd struggle to have any warm feelings for a DH who knew that paying 50% of the bills left me with almost nothing each month.

Erm, I find it pretty sad that your husband would let you live that way.

Erm, does this mean that if youre invited out at the end of the month and are broke that he'll go and leave you at home? Do you holiday together and he levels down?

Slightly different without kids but in a marriage or equivalent relationship you should be experiencing the same lifestyle.

My dsis takes more spending money than her dh because she earns more. A have a colleague who has no idea what her h earns but she can't afford any luxuries and he goes away for 4 day lads weekends multiple times a year. Beyond comprehension to me and wouldn't have even been considered from when we moved in. Luckily we shared the same ideas re money.

Erm What if you are long term unemployed? What about disability, should he support you then? Even now with your reduced hours - are you working half your partner's hours? If not, is he working twice as hard as you?

Don't get me wrong, I do know couples where 'deals are made' because no doubt there are options where the same hours, with the same qualifications made the different money.

Also, you might be willing to accept this, but does you dh know you're left with nothing? Are you comfortably covering your outgoings? If so, he's a twat.

Why should I expect him to subsidise me and miss out on buying things he wants just because I earn so much less?

Because you are a unit, a partnership, a commitment to each other. You look after each other. You pool your resources so that each of you is enriched by what the other has.

I don't understand what some people see as a "partnership" when they would watch the other struggle

What is the point ?

Just live apart and date each other. It might mean you could find a warmer and more inclusive partner in that case.

Theres no right or wrong way, if no children then i would say 50/50 of all houshold bills.

If children, then childcare etc is a joint cost. Some couples maintain their own accounts and some go joint.

There are lots of women though who pick their partner for their earning potential and expect to not have to work. I know lots who didnt give their husbands any say when they gave up work after maternity and the poor bloke has no choice but to work to cover every cost. I cant ever imagine being that selfish, marriage is about sharing including the financial responsibility so as not to burden one adut with it all.

The thing is dd isn't dh's biological child so invoicing him for child care isn't happening lol.

Around the time that we lived in together, we weren't necessarily equal earners but once everything was paid (house/bills/food) 50/50 we both had plenty of money left and I never ran out. I lost my job (redundancy-no pay out) and started working on a more ad hoc basis. Dh covered the bills and payments that used to be my responsibility. So in his eyes and in mine, he is generous. He's essentially paying for mine and dd's keep.

We've just spoken about something that I can't afford to pay for. Nonessential but would probably be good for work so worthwhile. He immediately said he wished he could pay but can't afford it as the bills have been hefty this month. It seems he hasn't been paying monthly for things that unthought he was so quarterly bills have arrived. Turns out he might not be so organised with money as I thought! Oh the irony. Whilst I believe this is true right now and that he is short of cash, it hasn't been the case in previous months and he hasn't been forthcoming.

Equally I haven't communicated well about jow much I've struggled (mainly due to pride and the way he reacts when I have) maybe if he'd known we'd have come to some kind of arrangement.

I've read the links about financial anise and while I see what you mean and can imagine what I'd think were I looking from the outside in, I don't think thats where we are.

It goes without saying that the status quo can't continue forever but my ideal out me is that I get to a point where I earn more and more regularly.

Horrific auto correct as per, sorry :-S

Does he treat your dd as though she's his daughter?

cailin yes absolutely he does. The good bits and the bad bits

'In sorry but I can't agree with the majority of the views expressed on this thread.

DH and I have no children yet'

I would suggest that those two things are linked tbh, and I'm aware that sounds patronising, sorry.

What would your partner say if you asked to downsize to a lifestyle which meant that you were not left with nothing after paying 50%? Because presumably that means you are not saving - what if you lose your job or have a period of illness? Are you managing to pay insurances etc?

In the past in partnerships I have been the lower earner, then we had a child and I went on maternity leave, then dh began working for himself while I had the steadier employment, then gradually as his illness has increased he now is at home full time while I work full time. Through all these situations we have been partners and have done things together, and I simply would not ask him to live a lifestyle which would cause him financial stress or would mean he could not enjoy some of the things he likes to do - apart from anything else, those things would make his illness worse again. I pay nearly all the bills and we have equal spending money, and that's that. He contributes his part of the 50% in other ways.

If you asked him to buy something for your dd would he?

Yes unless he felt strongly that she shouldn't have it and then we'd talk about it. But to be honest this doesn't come up. He's normally the first with ideas for birthday and Xmas gifts and once we've decided, he'll happily buy them. Stuff that she needs: if it's dh that dd tells then he's more likely to just buy the stuff than tell me. If she tells me then I just buy it. If I can't then I wait til I can father then ask him, because as I said when I ask him for £ the response is kind of awkward and patronising.

The more I'm writing about this, the more torn I am about it.

I would feel awkward tbh, if we didn't spend the same amount. We have a joint account, but take a certain percentage out of the account every three months or so, into our personal account, so we will always have equal money in our personal account, and the joint account is for joint spending- on the kids, bills and so on. It also means that we have financial security as we have our own personal money, despite me earning a lot more then DH.

Torn in what way?

As to whether he is BU or whether he isn't fully aware of my situation because I'm not communicating it

Are you going to talk to him?

I agree with you, don't get why anyone would agree to such an unequal relationship. My ex bil was like this - basically selfish. Bought himself Porsche and did nothing at home but no money for a cleaner.

cailin I know I should but as right now he isn't in a position to change the way things are, I'd almost feel cruel.

How do you mean he's not in a position to change things?

Money is too tight for it to be any other way

That's only true for this month though isn't it? Couldn't you have a general discussion about the fact that you sometimes struggle with money?

It makes me to read of posters who feel like they have to contribute half of all overheads and often pay all dc expenses on lower salary than dp.

All family income should be shared with both parties getting equal amounts of treats or making equal sacrifices.