To expect that partners should - broadly speaking - have access to the same lifestyle?

[PosyNarker]

By this I mean, that if a couple are married or are living together with a similar level commitment, that any income disparity between the couple should not be glaringly obvious? Or that (excluding the very rich and massive inheritances), they should have a similar enough disposable income that they could do / buy the same things?

I do know there are really good reasons why this isn't the case for some families (blended families, maintenance payments, aforementioned wealthy etc.), but for the rest, surely this is the norm?

My experience growing up was that both my parents had access to whatever they needed. Sometimes it wasn't enough, but when there was surplus, if dad wanted a gadget or mum wanted a handbag they're quite traditional then they got it. This is also how myself and DP work.

From what I see with friends and close family this isn't the norm. I have so many female friends who have gone part time to look after DC and can't afford this, or that, but have DP buying £2k laptops, £1k cameras. One was asking her DP for a hair dye and cut for her birthday, when said DP is decked out in designer (for work ).

I have other friends though where I really want to scream - independence is the ability to look after yourself and any dependants if and when you need to, not the ability to pay 50% of the bills regardless. They make sacrifices they don't even register then respond to invites or buy things for themselves based on their income rather than the income they have facilitated.

FWIW I lose out by our arrangement and I have no DC so I have no axe to grind. I just think that a family ought to have the same standard of living. I do and likely always will earn more than DP unless he builds a start-up, but I couldn't not share, because we support each other 100%.

Polly he'd say no. Lol. He would say that a joint account would only really have his money is as I don't earn regularly. So things might aswell just come out of his account as they do now.

When I married DH I made 3x his salary and we pooled the money together. I'm now self employed and earn peanuts. DH makes over 10x what I do. We still pool the money. I do have an inheritance that is complicated but put simply, DH does not have direct access to it (I still don't have direct access to all of it!) and never will. However, I'd be quite happy to dip into it for anything we needed. We have a mixture of joint and individual accounts but everything is "ours".

Having said all that, DH is definitely the spender and I'm the saver. I hate things! We balance each other nicely

No my love, not his money, its family money.

But while they "come out of his account" he can emotionally batter for it, can't he ?

please, open your eyes

emotionally batter you

This topic is a mine field for me. I have a Mother who is extremely vocal about women being financially independant and always having money of their own. I agree with her on this. However, she was so vocal about it that I feel like a scrounger when I'm not working (pregnant at the moment) and have to rely on DH to pay for things. I have massive guilt and shame about it, and I would rather make sacrifices than ask for money unless it is absolutely nessecary.

My DH would never bat an eyelid about paying for things, giving me money as we are a team in his eyes...but I just can't. I know my Mum was trying to empower me and make sure I was never in a situation where I was being financially abused, but it really did skew my thinking on the whole thing.

I've friends like that he earns a great wage she scrapes to get by however their relationship is better than mine and DH in many other ways

For me not sharing financially is non negotiable, I was brought up by an SAM and a high earning dad however she helped get him there, raised his kids, ironed his suits, she was always very clear it was their money ( she even let him spend it sometimes )

OP YANBU.

Joint account, we have equal amounts of pocket money, get similar sorts of presents for each other.

ML is a joint expenditure, as is child care, child costs.

Our wages are our wages, regardless of the discrepancy between the amounts.

Dear god! I couldn't live like this. I have been married for 42 years and have never earned significant money (loads of voluntary stuff and a couple of kids) but have not felt that I did not have equal access to our funds. Whatever DH earned was in the pot for all the family.

I cannot believe that a man who loves his partner could justify seeing her struggle for money while he buys luxuries for himself.

I find this utterly bizarre! I've never come across it in real life and would be shocked to know anyone lived this way.

Through most of my childhood my mum was a SAHM and my dad worked - my mum did evening classes, my dad played golf, basically if there was money left over they both had an equal share of it. Now my mum is the higher earner, and they still do.

DP earns a lot more than me - everything goes into the joint account for rent, bills, stuff for the DC and anything left over is for both of us.

I can't imagine a situation where DP would have lots of spending money and would leave me without

I think some marriages/partnerships might fall into this state "accidentally", by having separate finances but almost equal salaries pre-kids, so lifestyles were equal and everyone was happy.

But then the kids come along and one partner (usually the woman) goes on mat leave and either stays at home afterwards, goes back part-time or even just finds she isn't getting the promotions any more while her DH is because of unfair perceptions businesses have about mothers who work. So suddenly there's a huge pay gap between them, and also the kids are "her responsibility" so she's paying out more for their things than her DH is, and before you know it, she's living in relative poverty compared to him.

It can easily happen, which is why couples need to talk about these things before having children, and to just keep an open eye for any developing imbalances in lifestyles.

If however, the higher-earning partner has noticed that they are living a much better lifestyle, think that they are somehow more entitled to it and don't care that their partner is struggling, then they are just absolute twats and need binning asap.

Yes, clam. For instance, he did/does quite a bit of the childcare and nursery is viewed as a joint cost. It was a eyeopener though. To be honest I think these conflicting attitudes to money are there from the start of many relationships, but DC bring them into sharp relief.

gosh, what's the point in making a commitment then? what's the point in ' all that I have I give to you'

how selfish and controlling.

you are right op.

thatisall think your partner is being selfish here.

Annie's analysis makes sense to me. Couples should be talking about this stuff from the off. But it is very difficult when your partner has no interest in talking about it.

too add in our case I have been both the sahm and the only breadwinner. was very proud to be both.

Annie I think you've hit the nail on the head for a few people I know, but a few actively seek to hide it, which I find - frankly - odd.

I am a strange creature maybe. If DP had an iPhone and decided he wanted to spend a couple of hundred quid upgrading, I'd find it really quite weird to find his old phone 'a birthday present'. A couple of my friends were quite down with this...and I have pointed out they are just facilitating the upgrade. Quite a few of my male friends do this as well...

(Don't get me wrong, it's fine as a thing to do if one is more techy than the other, but it's not a birthday present ffs. 'I know, for your birthday, I'll upgrade my camera and give you the old one...')

Any partner who as no interest in talking about a basic inequality in a partnership has neither love nor respect for his/her partner, and views them as little more than a useful commodity to enable their lifestyle by looking after children/the housework.

Agree OP its very odd. A woman I worked with was like this - scrupulous about what was his money and what was hers (both worked full time in big jobs) childcare came out of her salary which I found baffling surely the kids belonged to both of them .

I used to out earn DH now the other way round although I always earn enough to pay for our holidays every year and comfort myself that we would never have got on the housing ladder in the first place without my high salary at the right time. I have always had problems spending money on myself though even when earning well so have real hang ups now which drives DH mad (just buy the bloody boots etc). He always gets me swanky clothes for Christmas/birthday as he knows I wont buy them myself.

We talked from the off.

I am gobby. DP was from a 50/50 salary regardless background. I convinced him that was unfair, because it didn't take into account everything.

FWIW I think I win big style. I earn more and dropped 20k more on deposit, but DP loves cooking, can turn his hand to any DIY (which has been far more extensive than we could ever have thought). That said, he would probably say the same because we've been renovating and I am not being an arse honest quite strong for my size and willing to do things like lay concrete...

I have seen a few threads on here from women in that position and it always really saddens me. How can any man let his wife and mother of his children scrimp and scrape when he can easily afford to support them is beyond me.

Also if your partner could not afford the things that you wanted to do then wouldn't it impact on your lifestyle anyway. Would you be able to enjoy going out for a meal, making your spouse pay 50% and knowing that they then wouldn't be able to afford the clothes they need or to go for a coffee with friends.

When you marry and decide to have a family together then all money is family money. I am a SAHM and as far as I am concerned I earn the money just as much as my DH does. I earn it because me not working means that he can focus on his career, he can come home late and stay away with work if that is required. If I worked then either he would have to make changes to his career or we would end up spending a ridiculous amount on childcare (which would probably negate the benefit of me working). DH was also very much in favour of me becoming a SAHM as we both thought it best for the children when they are little.

Surely the best thing is a joint account for bills, childcare, food, holidays etc and then each partner get's a split of anything left over.

Thatisall I'm sorry but your partner does sound financially abusive. Personally I would demand a joint account and if he doesn't then invoice him for childcare/cooking/PA duties each month!

In sorry but I can't agree with the majority of the views expressed on this thread.

DH and I have no children yet and since my hours were cut at work he earns approximately twice what I do each month. However I still contribute 50% of all the bills out of my salary even though this leaves me with almost nothing left over each month.

DH works hard for his money. Why should I expect him to subsidise me and miss out on buying things he wants just because I earn so much less? To be fair though, he will always lend me a bit extra if I need it towards the end of the month but I always make sure I pay him back as soon as I get the opportunity for a bit of over time or my parents slip me some money.

We share everything (I spend much more than him though) when I gave up work to be a SAHM he earned about double my wage.

Now I haven't returned and do three lunchtime supervisor shifts a week he earns about 100 times what I do. I would be completely buggered if I had to survive on my wage alone

ErmICant - if you're prepared to accept that situation, it's up to you. I wouldn't, but each to their own.

However, when the low earner is the low earner precisely because he/she is home/working reduced hours to look after children they both agreed to and created together, don't you think it would be pretty fucking unfair to then deny the person giving up their career to raise your children a fair share of them money they enable you to earn?

So I suggest you get some safeguards in place and have a serious talk before you do have children.

Erm , will things change when (if) you have children or will you always be the one to take the financial hit ?

I think you should think very carefully indeed about what you are setting yourself up for. Before you know it, you will be asking for money for nappies and your partner will consider he is doing you a favour

Much like thatisall is doing right now

did her situation make you think that was something to aspire to ?

I hope not

And personally, I would never see DH going without, even if I perceived myself to be "working harder". He's my absolute partner, not a housemate. Most people works hard, from street cleaners to top execs, but wages are seldom a fair reflection of that.