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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Looking after elderly relative...am I a cow?!

74 replies

formerbabe · 24/11/2013 16:35

Hi everyone

This is my first post on MN so please be gentle with me!

Bit of background first...my mum died when I was very young and I was raised by my fabulous dad, who has since died. I feel pretty bitter tbh that I missed out on having a mum and now that my kids have no grandparents on my side

My dad had a sister who never married and has no kids of her own...we weren't very close whilst I was growing up but we get on pretty well now. She is fit and well at the moment but she regularly drops hints about how I will have to be the one who looks after her when she gets older. I have already told my husband that I will refuse to do it when the time comes. I will be happy to help out but I will absolutely refuse to be her carer. I feel that I have missed out on having the best bits of a mum, so why should I just have the difficult bits?!

Am I cow? I would have taken care of both my parents if they were still alive but I feel this is not in my remit.

WWYD? I would love to hear other peoples' opinions

OP posts:
Chippednailvarnish · 24/11/2013 16:38

I wouldn't care for elderly relatives either, because its backbreakingly hard work. Maybe you should help her plan for the future so she feels secure and clear about your role?

dreamingofsun · 24/11/2013 16:39

some people make great carers, others don't. I am the latter. Do not underestimate the effect being a carer can have on the whole family - i looked after my mother for a month, and i ended up as a vertual prisioner as she couldn't be left. on a LT basis i would have had to give up my job, with significant implications for my kids welfare, our house ownership, and also our retirement.

I suggest that nearer the time you decide what is best. It may be that you find a paid carer, or a care home for her to go to. And perhaps look after her finances and visit regularly. I don't think you should think of this in such black and white terms - carers can take many forms.

FortyDoorsToNowhere · 24/11/2013 16:39

I am sort of fil carer, he can was and dress himself but can't do housework or shopping. I am happy with this but it is hard work.

Never go into the caring role if you are not up for it.

julieann42 · 24/11/2013 16:40

I would not care for her either..like you I would help. Im sure you are quite busy with your own family. I would help my parents but wouldnt be their carers either.
My granny once said to me, you don't have children so they can look after you when you are older..they didn't ask to be born so because you chose to have children you have to look after them but cannot expect the same back. I love her way of thinking!

AlpacaPicnic · 24/11/2013 16:41

I wouldn't honestly jump to any conclusions before the situation arises... It's one thing to think about making plans but another entirely to make your mind up so firmly before you are needed to. She may only need the minimum of 'care' later on, or none at all. I think you could be overthinking it and working yourself up when you don't need to.

Bowlersarm · 24/11/2013 16:41

It wouldn't be for me either. Selfish as that sounds. I agree with planning her future with her, so she is clear that she shouldn't rely on you caring for her.

thebody · 24/11/2013 16:43

of course not. you can't possibly take on a hands on caring role unless you absolutely want to.

there are levels of caring so pegaos getting her shopping would be fine but changing a soiled bed or washing her wouldn't be.

this may never happen anyway so don't stress too much about it.

it's not your responsibility but obviously as a close relative you may need to help her access suitable care if needed.

Bowlersarm · 24/11/2013 16:43

I would have happily cared for my own DM, possibly mil, but that is where my loyalty would have ended, not for other relatives as well.

ImperialBlether · 24/11/2013 16:43

The thing that strikes me is that she could have been a substitute mum to you when you were growing up and it could have made all the difference to your life. She didn't, did she?

thebody · 24/11/2013 16:45

to add I wouldn't want close rels especially my own children carrying out my personal care.

RandomMess · 24/11/2013 16:45

I would just laugh very loudly when she mentions this kind of thing as say something along the lines of "I'll help you choose a sheltered accommodation flat when the time comes".

Beamur · 24/11/2013 16:47

YANBU
Maybe the next time she drops a hint you could open the conversation up? Perhaps she is feeling a bit insecure about what will happen when she gets older. If you have the chance to have a friendly chat maybe could you tell her what you think about this and maybe disabuse her of the idea that you will be 100% on board with taking care of her, but that you would support her getting access to care and help.

Original poster
formerbabe · 24/11/2013 16:50

ImperialBlether...you are completely spot on. She was not a substitute mum at all. I feel I would have done a lot for my parents into their old age, because I loved them and as a thank you for caring for me. In this case though, I don't feel I have anything to pay back. That sounds very callous I know. Also, as the years go on, I am looking forward to getting some of my life back as my children gain more independence and I don't want to give that up.

Thanks for all your comments and suggestions.

OP posts:
NadiaWadia · 24/11/2013 16:50

What Imperial said. Your aunt is presuming too much. And don't feel guilty!

BackforGood · 24/11/2013 16:53

I wouldn't fret about it - it might not happen that she ever needs someone to care for her, or it might be that your own circumstances change considerably over time and it might be that you feel differently as time moves on. It's not worth worrying about until she actually is needing support. (At which point YANBU to not take it on). But quite often people kind of drift into needing a bit more support, it's not a 'need nothing' then 'need FT carers' the next week, thing. You might find you don't mind doing bits and bobs - throwing some extra bits of shopping in when you get yours anyway type thing, to helping with paperwork or her utility companies and so on.
Just see how it goes.

MortifiedAnyFuckerAdams · 24/11/2013 16:54

Well, she can presume all she wants!

I couldnt do it. And wouldnt. You shouldnt feel guilty about it.

PuddingAndHotMilk · 24/11/2013 16:54

YANBU

My maternal grandma lived with us til I was 15 then was in care til she passed 2 years later. It was dreadful by the end. My parents made me PROMISE never to do it.

ArthurCucumber · 24/11/2013 16:56

I'm with Imperial on this. Caring for someone elderly can be a hard road (as the Elderly Parents topic here will testify), even when it's a person with whom you had a loving relationship being cared for by them as a child. Obviously I don't know what your aunt's circumstances were when your mother died, but it doesn't sound like she stepped in when you needed someone to care for you. You also don't mention any relationship she might have with your children - is she a granny to them? She hasn't been in a motherly role, so shouldn't assume that you will take on a daughterly role just because that's what she may want.

Jolleigh · 24/11/2013 16:57

Hopefully she's joking.

In my experience, people need to have had an extremely close bond with a family member if they're going to commit to doing this.

My mum and Nana were really close and Nana came to us for end of life care. I was a teenager at the time. My room became nan's and I was frequently sleeping on the couch despite being at college full time, working part time and caring for nana in the remainder. We had family staying over frequently thinking they were helping but they weren't sure what to do for nana so just ended up exacerbating the sleeping situation and turning into extra mouths to feed.

My point is this: we did this all without complaint as a testament to our brilliant relationship over many many years with nana. It's one of the hardest things mum and I have ever done and it was a heart breaking few months.

YANBU to hold your views on this. But I do feel you should probably have a chat with your aunt or make it clear somehow that it's not something you'd be able to do for her.

3littlefrogs · 24/11/2013 16:57

Caring for an elderly person is a full time, unpaid, very stressful and exhausting job.

Not something to be taken on lightly, nor something that anyone should take for granted.

NadiaWadia · 24/11/2013 17:02

Could it be that she intends to leave you her house in her will (if she has one) and therefore she thinks asking you to care for her if necessary is a reasonable demand?

But that doesn't and shouldn't change your feelings about her, so it would be a bit of a tricky one? Sorry, maybe I shouldn't have mentioned that.

Purple2012 · 24/11/2013 17:04

It is tiring and hard work. I deal with all my grandmothers finances. Im on all her accounts and I also sort out all her insurance, bills etc. That in itself takes a lot of time.

Yanbu

LunaticFringe · 24/11/2013 17:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Marylou2 · 24/11/2013 17:13

I think you need a deep breath and a sit down. I am sending you a hug. You aunt is not your responsibility. She should make provision for her own care. You have your own family to care for.

mymatemax · 24/11/2013 17:17

you can care about someone without caring for them.
Is she expecting you to do the physical care stuff or to make sure that she is well cared for?
I love my parents dearly but I don't know that I could provide care for them.

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