Looking after elderly relative...am I a cow?!

[formerbabe]

Hi everyone

This is my first post on MN so please be gentle with me!

Bit of background first...my mum died when I was very young and I was raised by my fabulous dad, who has since died. I feel pretty bitter tbh that I missed out on having a mum and now that my kids have no grandparents on my side

My dad had a sister who never married and has no kids of her own...we weren't very close whilst I was growing up but we get on pretty well now. She is fit and well at the moment but she regularly drops hints about how I will have to be the one who looks after her when she gets older. I have already told my husband that I will refuse to do it when the time comes. I will be happy to help out but I will absolutely refuse to be her carer. I feel that I have missed out on having the best bits of a mum, so why should I just have the difficult bits?!

Am I cow? I would have taken care of both my parents if they were still alive but I feel this is not in my remit.

WWYD? I would love to hear other peoples' opinions

Nope, not a culture where it is necessarily expected. Our grandmother was cared for by her children and my aunt said she would never have had her put in a home but she was not the one who lived with her...another sibling did that.

I really feel like I never had a mum to care for me...now I don't feel like I owe anything back

Yeah I know it's hard, I've done it myself. [for a relative that wasn't a parent hence my earlier question]

I said I don't think the OP should do it if she doesn't want to, it is hard enough when you do want to do it!

If someone does want to do it though, there is support available, but you often have to fight to get it. IME the best time to get a care package agreed is at the end of a hospital admission. You refuse to take them home without something being set up, faced with the choice of expensive full time care or funding carers alongside family care, they tend to go for the latter.

It does have a massive impact on everyone involved though, that is why I agree that no one should feel forced to do it.

YANBU. You reap what you sew. She was not interested in meeting any familial caring responsibility when you were the vulnerable one who needed it as a child, so I think she can get bent if she now expects you to go above and beyond.

Please make it clear you can't do this. You will regret it if you don't.

My dad's aunt is 92, dad is dead, uncle lives abroad. She expects my sister's and I to care for her as we were not brave enough to tell her we couldn't. She has lied to social services and refused their help, saying she had three nieces who visited daily. When I could not visit her one week as I had a sick child she wailed down the phone that she had no one else. The guilt was awful, and yet in her circumstances she could have a carer in three times a day to help her.
She doesn't want to go into a home but I worry because she has fallen twice and I think one day she will hurt herself and be unable to live alone. My sisters and I don't suitable homes for her to live with us, so she'll have no choice.

My in laws have stated they are moving up in 2016, and have intimated that they want us to look after them in their old age. It is not going to happen, fil walked out on dh and left him to care for his seriously ill mum when he was 9, and mil is a step parent who only met dh when he was 13, so I don't feel obliged to care for them. You reap what you sow.

I agree with telling her now and re emphasising regularly - otherwise she will be asking when she is being discharged from hospital some time...

How manipulative these old people can be. Yesterday my father turned up on my doorstep with a picture of me as a child with him, all smiles in the garden by the pond. Waving it around " do you remember this?" and then proffers a box of chocolates, which is his way of asking for help. This is because I have been avoiding him for several days. The same day I receive a letter from social services about some scheme or other, addressed to me in respect of my father. I am not sure at what point I became "his carer" or whether I ever signed up for this. Clearly he has told social services " my lovely daughter will do...this & this & this...

Don't allow her to manipulate OP and don't allow anyone to lay on the guilt. Like your aunt my father doesn't have a history of having made great sacrifices for others...I have 6 half brothers and sisters somewhere (god knows where) who could have been here for him, had he not walked out on them. I have two children, a partner, a home, and I am studying full time (or at least trying to)

To be fair, your aunt may just not have thought about the alternatives. In practice, in my family at least, things have happened in small steps and there was never a Big Bang decision to do x or y.

When she gets a bit frail and lonely, or her house has too much maintenance, get her to move to a retirement village with some nursing capacity. She will enjoy the company and it won't be "going into a home", she will just slowly call on increasing amounts of help from the management.

I've seen this sort of thing happen with other elderly people, not just my grandad.

The most common reason for the elderly people I knew, who expected their DCs/other family members to take on the caring role, is cost. Most of them were not in any way willing to pay for care when they had family on tap, however unwilling that family was. And this also seemed to apply to many of the siblings of the "chosen carer".

My mum's siblings were all happy to leave it to mum and dad, because they saw grandad's money as theirs, and didn't want it "frittered away" even at the expense of my parent's health.

The other common reason I saw for people to want family carers was fear. Fear of change, of the place of care not being somewhere comfortable to live and feel at home.

This second reason is one the OP and others like her can help with, by talking to the older person and finding info for them to allay those fears and help them to feel more in control. Look at some different places, care home, sheltered accommodation, there's many different types of places to live. This is what I'll be doing when I'm older, I am adamant I will not burden my DCs and spoil their lives.

IMO bottom line is (as other's have said) that if it's not for you, then best get this straight with your Aunt and the rest of the family involved before it gets too involved.

BUT to be honest, it saddens me a bit to hear phrases like "it's not owed" etc. Is it really about that? Don't get me wrong I do understand about the not being able to directly care if it's not someone's thing but it's sad to think that the decision is also based on whether enough has been done by the one needing care

Perhaps I'm a bit biased. My Dad's half sister (he died when I was 4) is now 77. I am her only living relative and she mine (on my Dad's side). She has no-one else and needed care. I had met her once before. But what was I supposed to do? She needed me and was family. To me that was end of. Fortunately she needs practical help only in the way of monetary affairs and such. She is in a nursing home now and deteriorating rapidly. I organised her move, POA, pension etc etc. She is non-communicative when I visit. But I felt I needed to do right for/by her.

She is fit and well at the moment but she regularly drops hints about how I will have to be the one who looks after her when she gets older. I have already told my husband that I will refuse to do it when the time comes. I will be happy to help out but I will absolutely refuse to be her carer. I feel that I have missed out on having the best bits of a mum, so why should I just have the difficult bits?!

Who said she would be sitting in her own piss n shit, dribbling and expecting you to clear it up?

You know, its takes very little time to ring, drop in twice a week for a cup of tea, invite the person round once a week for a meal ...... lets hope your children dont feel like you do about the elderly because statistically you will live longer.

Exactly, Fry. My nan was reluctant for years to get any help because it needed to be paid for. She could afford it but thought it should be covered by the state

ignoring the fact her entire and not unreasonable income was from state sector jobs she and her husband did for fewer years than her retirement lasted

Bohemian, the OP states in the piece you quote that she won't be a carer when the time comes.

Nothing about not popping round for a cup of tea!

Hi OP, please don't feel guilty about this. You are not responsible for you aunt. Being someone's carer can be the most incredibly stressful job even if you WANT to do it! I cared for my very difficult mil for the past 4 years (it was sort of a case of having too......long story) and it was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I recently had to stop and hand over to carers. I actually don't feel guilty.

I will be happy to help out but I will absolutely refuse to be her carer.

Did you not see this bit Bohemian?

I cant help noticing its mostly women who end up doing it. This is definately a feminist issue.

Honestly, the vast majority of mothers I know dread the idea of being a burden on their children and will actively seek to avoid it rather than planning on it.

She is being v unreasonable and I think the lack of concern she showed for you growing up is being repeated.

Don't feel guilty, OP. But do manage expectations: tell her and the wider family quite clearly and firmly now that you are not going to be her carer. They need to hear it now before it is an urgent issue that everyone will have to make other plans.

My uncle lied to the district nurse, told her that he had carers, then was telling me that he was unable to make a cup of tea - but refusing to contact anyone who could help. I'm over a hundred miles away, can't drive and was tied anyway with my father who lives with me and had had a stroke the month before. I had spent hours trying to find carers for him privately and to convince him that he needed help, which he rejected. I was doing online shopping, calling several times a day and tearing my hair out. The next day he was taken into hospital.

Uncle was trying to get to a crisis so that my brother would give up his job and move back to look after him. I have tried to encourage my brother to keep his job and stay where he is (also a hundred miles away).

Uncle is currently in a ward where he has been talking to people who aren't there and singing (he never sings!). This is largely due to him manufacturing a crisis to get his own way.

He is a lovely man, really lovely, and I owe him a great deal, but now it is a question whether he will be safe to live on his own now and this will break his heart. But he has rejected all sorts of stuff that would have meant that he didn't get to this point.

OP from my experience be very, very clear about what you will and will not do and be aware that if your aunt is setting you up as carer then you will probably find yourself getting all sorts of demands that will creep up and up and up.

YANBU

You can't sacrifice your life for a distant relative who didn't particularly have a big part to play in your life.
Hell, my parents know they will be going in a home and they're ok with that. They wouldn't want to mess our lives up. I want my children to live their lives too, and there will be no expectation there.

Perhaps DH will let you blame him for saying no, when the time comes. Will he let you drop that in conversation, now? That might make it easier for you.

Op. I was my mil's carer for 3 years. She died 10 weeks ago today. I only met her 14 years ago. We didn't have a close relationship until 10 years ago.

Mil had a neurological condition that meant she lost the ability to walk & was house bound for 9 months. That particular condition did improve but she wasn't as active. She was diagnosed with cancer in July & died 7 weeks later.

I loved my mil. Strange really as she was a nightmare when I met dp! We developed a relationship of mutual respect & care. Totally unconditional. I miss her terribly.

I am not prepared to care for my parents. My dad lives locally but he is incredibly entitled. I cared for him a few years ago & he totally took the piss.

I was my mother's carer, she moved in with my brother. This was a financial arrangement rather then care arrangement. I carried on being her carer & doing the 50 mile round trip until I had my ds who is autistic. My mother needs to move to sheltered accommodation but I do not intend to get involved. She seems to have forgotten what I used to do. I have 3 siblings thst can organise dm care.

I wouldn't change caring for my mil. Sil didn't & wouldn't care for her & dp couldn't cope with her. BUT I won't be a carer for my parents. I've spent many years caring for family members & will be ds carer for the rest of my life.

Its not fair of your aunt. I totally understand your point of view.

I believe it is the hardest job in the world being a carer. Caring for someone you love is hard enough but caring for someone you don't it can be worse. The feeling of being trapped at home is awful. There are companies and organisations that can help you when the time comes.

OP, sounds like you are a lovely person, and I'm sorry you lost both your parents, whom you obviously miss, especially coming up to Christmas.

Your aunty sounds like one entitled lady, and I would on no uncertain terms lay out your boundaries.

Write her and every family member a letter, outlining the facts that you have noticed her mentioning that you will be her carer, and have been repeatedly manipulated into saying yes to caring for this old biddy, who is talking advantage of your good nature and generosity, and saying that you have enough on your plate, without looking after some aunty who never gave you the time of day when you were young.

Be clear you and your family are not available to be a carer for this lady.

If that fails, move far, far away, to a tiny house with lots of stairs. Amsterdam is good!

Be strong, you owe it to your own family unit to be there for them, not this old aunty who is using your good nature in her selfish machinations without any concern for you, your DH, your relationship with him, or your kids needs and wants.

I dont understand why it is assumed because we have breasts that we are caring people - I dont cope well with people who are weak or ill, I will happily do anything practical but caring no sorry I would end up really hating someone and making myself ill and resentful.

She did not step in when you needed her why should you do this for her I think she has a bloody cheek. Yes pop in for a coffee, phone to make sure she is ok but the mental and physical toll of caring for someone you really love is tough enough without doing it for someone you do not have that close connection to.

My parents are clear if they need help it will not be us doing it (to be honest my Mum doesnt have the "caring" gene either) my MIL on the other hand would have us wiping her arse for her now if she could get away with it - I think she is going to be a bit of a problem at some point.

I would care for my mum and Dad only, aunts and uncles no way!